catlady11 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Here goes: My ex and I were together for almost 7 months. From the day we met we clicked-we instantly hit it off. Not one argument. Great sex. However....he told me during the relationship that while he thinks of me as a friend and did enjoy spending time with me he doesn't feel love (he knows I love him). He wanted to break up a few times but I convinced him to give it time, which he did. Finally a few weeks ago he said we either end it or we go no contact for a month so he can think about things, maybe his feelings will change. 10 days in I emailed him telling him that I missed him and all this other stuff. He emailed me back and said that he just doesn't feel the love for me that he should, that I placed a higher value on our time together than he did. He said he never wanted to hurt me and it's not intentional, but the love is not there. The thing is he's NOT a jerk; he was always kind to me and compassionate and loving. If there was something bothering me he'd want to make it better. He called me every night on days we weren't together, he texted me every day throughout the day, he made me dinner every sunday night, etc. I said some mean things in the email he sent where he said he didn't feel love for me. He emailed me back that he was sorry and it was never his intention to hurt me. I called him and left him a vm (crying) that I was sorry for what I said and I had been feeling bad about it all day (I did feel awful) and he wrote back saying that he does forgive me and he understood and asked me to forgive him. I asked if we could be friends and he said it's best for him if we don't have any contact, maybe time will change his feelings but for the time being he thinks it's best. I told him I understood and that time is a great healer. He made it worse by being soooo nice. I can't even think of any bad memories-all the memories of him and I are good. I did so much for him...did his dishes once a week (it was only fair, he cooked), went with him on all day sunday drives to take pics (he's into photography), spent friday nights with him, etc. I know he enjoyed our time together-I have texts from him telling me how he was looking forward to seeing me later or that he had a pleasurable time with me. I'm not crazy-I know our time together was good. Do you think he misses me at all??? When you've been with someone for almost 7 months and had contact with them on a daily basis do you miss them even if you don't love them? I foolishly think that maybe he's starting to miss me and he'll want me back. Am I a fool for thinking that?
aloneinaz Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 If you were reading this post from someone else, what would be your conclusions? Would you think "why was she trying to "force" this guy into loving her? Why would she stick with a guy for 7 months who never committed to loving her? He does appear to be a nice guy but, he should of ended it w/you a long time ago if he wasn't feeling it or falling in love with you. The most glaring thing here to me (not trying to be mean) is where's you self esteem and pride? Most people would of let him go if they were told a few months into a relationship that the other person wasn't feeling it and didn't love them. They wouldn't of begged and pleaded for more time to get them to fall in love. You need to do some self examination here. You're coming off towards him as needy and desperate, which is a MAJOR turnoff. He said he wants to not go out with you anymore and you're still contacting him telling him you miss him and want him around as a friend now? Girl, you need to get your pride and self respect back and leave him alone and move on to someone who will feel grateful to have you in their lives. You can't force someone to like or love you and he was brutally honest thru the whole relationship in telling you he wasn't. I'm sorry your hurting but you need to stay NC, heal and move on to someone else. 7
mrldii Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 ... I foolishly think that maybe he's starting to miss me and he'll want me back. Am I a fool for thinking that? Yes. Sorry to be so blunt, but - as you, yourself, repeatedly wrote - he's A Good Guy. He's been - and is being - honest with you. You don't like what his honesty is telling you, so you'd rather believe pretty lies rather than understand the truth. That's how 'My Ex-Boyfriend is An ******* Who Just Used Me and Lied to Me About Everything'-s are born. Next time a guy tells you early on he's not feeling it, don't talk him into sticking around so you can "do everything for him" in the hopes he'll learn to fall in love you. Then you won't have a total of 7 months' worth of fairy-tale hopefulness to get over after he told you a month into it, it wasn't gonna happen. Best of luck to you. 5
Author catlady11 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Sigh. You're both right. I stuck around because he said one thing but his actions said the opposite. I even told him that-how he says one thing but the way he treated me led me to have hope. He even had me meet his mom and was nervous about whether or not my girls would like him. If you had seen the way he was towards me you could understand why I stuck around hoping he'd change his feelings. To be honest I was really ok with him not being on the same page as me. I told myself that love doesn't happen on a timeline. I don't know if this makes any difference at all but he's been sober for 3.5 years; our relationship is the first serious long term one he's had since he's been sober. He dated a few other girls but that only lasted maybe a few weeks. He got hurt really bad years ago. A girl he was in love with for 3 years decided to up and leave him the day before she was going to move in with him. Devastated him. So I thought also maybe he had a fear of getting hurt again, he said it took him a few years to get over her. I miss his friendship. We could talk and laugh about anything. I don't think any one has ever made me laugh as hard or as much as him. He really is a wonderful person. Then there's the sex I miss too. 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I miss his friendship. We could talk and laugh about anything. I don't think any one has ever made me laugh as hard or as much as him. He really is a wonderful person. Then there's the sex I miss too. That's one of the things I miss most about my Ex. The communication. Talking for hours and hours. Making her laugh. She really got my sense of humor. Yeah sex was nice too. I sympathize with you there. But that's just another aspect of a relationship as a whole. All the different facets that make a bond strong or fragile. It's not an easy prospect when you think about it. So much goes into making a relationship successful. A lot of hard work, patients, caring, understanding and love. 1
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Every friday night we'd get together and have dinner and I'd spend the night. There was nothing better than waking up in his arms on saturday morning. Sometimes I think I can do this and then the weekend comes around and all the feelings of missing him and remembering the times we shared comes back with a vengeance. Sometimes I physically can't move it hurts so bad. I don't want to cry any more and sometimes I can't cry; it's like I've gone past crying to a place of utter pain. I won't contact him, I'm not in danger of that. Instead I have an email that I'm working on that I plan to send to him after we've been NC for a month. No, it's not an email where I ask him to take me back. Nothing like that. Just an email where I tell him that I miss his friendship and I hope he's doing well. NO begging or pleading at all.
Jemay Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I'm sorry you're having a rough night, you're not alone. They say stay in the moment, feel the pain, but sometimes that's just too hard. Sometimes you got to give yourself a little time out from feeling heartbroken by distracting yourself with a silly movie, a book, just anything to give your mind a little break from being so sad. Hang in there, it's going to get better in time xox
Gus Grimly Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Nothing like that. Just an email where I tell him that I miss his friendship and I hope he's doing well. NO begging or pleading at all. Having a rough night myself. Missing my Ex and had a few rough moments where I wanted to break NC. It's passed and I'm better now. I was thinking of writing a similar e-mail after a month NC as well. I have reservations about breaking NC though. I just don't want to reverse any progress that I've made. What would you say in such a letter cat? Anyway, try to not think about it so much. Easier said than done as I have been obsessing over my Ex tonight. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 ugh sorry you're going through that. Tough. Best wishes to you. Question---what's the point of maintaining NC for a month if you already have a plan in place to break it? seems counterproductive to me, but I'm sure you will do what's best for you. 1
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Basically I tell him that I miss his friendship. The beginning of the email I tell him how I never realized breaking up with him would be so devastating and that I found that when you lose someone you don't just lose them once, you lose them every time you hear a song you both listened to or a movie you watched together and a thousand other different ways. Looking at the email I do come off as melancholy and sad. I also tell him that I apologize for reaching out to him. Maybe it's a form of closure for me (which from what I've read one can never get anyway). Maybe in a few weeks I won't even send it. There's a poem I quote as well from Lang Leav. I highly recommend her poetry! I discovered it about a week ago and her poetry gets right to your heart. Tell me if you ever cared if a single thought for me was spared. Tell me when you lie in bed, do you think of something I once said. Tell me if you hurt at all, when someone says my name with yours. It may have been long ago, but I would give the world to know -Lang Leav
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 I'd like to break no contact sooner than a month but his last email he said he needed time and didn't know if we could be friends, that it was best for us to maybe say good-bye and not be in each other's lives. I just don't think I can do that I'm forcing myself to leave him alone (especially since we were taking a break at first and 11 days in I caved in and emailed him how much I missed him which lead to him emailing me back and then yada yada we broke up).
guest569 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Write all the letters and poems you like, but DONT send them. It works exactly the same only better. If you send it then you get the agonising wait and wonder of how and if he will respond. You probably wont get the response you had hoped for and end up feeling worse. You stil get the therapeutic benefits by simply writing this stuff down and in a months time you will probably be in a different place anyway. I can relate to those feelings as my ex always came over on Sunday nights, thats still our night and Sunday nights suck for me now. Why not change things up, Friday nights are now for you and a different friend each week to go see a movie or go out for dinner. Break out of the routine where you notice his absence most.
foolinlove79 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Do you really want to just be friends. If you want more then you are not doing yourself any favours by saying you want to be friends. It will just take you a lot longer to get over him having that contact. 1
surferchic Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) So sorry that you're having a rough night. I too can relate. Everybody is different, but I've realized that you MUST allow yourself to feel the pain or other emotions you're feeling. Write, play music, exercise, paint , ... Just get the "stuff" out. Again, everybody is different. If you feel like contacting him just be prepared for the unexpected because you never know hire the other person will respond especially when they're hurt and have been dumped. Another poster just asked, not sure if you responded yet. Who broke up with who? Edited July 25, 2015 by surferchic
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 I'm sorry I didn't state it in my message...he broke up with me. He ended it because he didn't feel love like I felt for him. I thought for sure it would come in time but it never did. Instead of breaking up he said we'd go no contact for 1 month so he could see if he does miss me and if his feelings would change. I agreed to that instead of outright breaking up. But I missed him too much and emailed him after 11 days of no contact. I know if I send the email I might not get a reply. Stupid me still thinks that maybe time will make him see we belong together. But I know that type of thinking is pointless.
popy Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I feel your pain. I'm going through a similar thing this evening.
surferchic Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Don't stress, Catlady. Everything will be OK. But I'm sure we're missing several details of your breakup. If he's chosen to distance himself, giving him space seems to be the best thing right now. You don't want to be jerked around. Did you do something to make him feel less love? I'm confused as to why he would say that, out of the blue.
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Surferchic, we got along sooo well (never a fight the whole time we were together) and he would always tell me that he enjoyed our time together or it was pleasurable and he looked forward to seeing me, etc. BUT...emotionally he wasn't on the same page as me. He said he'd been in love before and he just didn't feel it with me. He tried to break up a few times during our relationship but I convinced him to give it more time, that love doesn't develop on a time table and two people don't fall in love at the same time. So he gave it more time and while it was good he never fell in love with me. Guess I'm a fool with no pride but I really thought it would come and I never pressured him (in fact he even said that to me, that I never once pressured him). He cried with me the last night we saw each other. I have his last emails right in front of me in black and white telling me that he doesn't feel love for me yet I keep hoping that time will make him see that maybe he does. I'm a fool I guess or I've seen too many movies. I have numerous texts telling me how much he looked forward to seeing me or how much fun we had together and each one signed "xoxo". Even though I know what he said I remember his actions and aren't actions supposed to be an indicator of how someone feels just as much? He confused me with his actions so I held on hoping his feelings would change. I'm still hoping.
aloneinaz Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 All right.. Mr. Reality will come in here and offer some tough love- Here's what happens when you break NC to contact the person who-kicked you out of their lives or kicked you to the curb, or said "I want to find someone better than you" or wanted to free up their future to meet and screw new people- They will think- * You're a spineless wuss * You have no pride nor self respect * Roll their eyes wondering why you simply can't take a hint and leave them alone * Consider you a desperate stalker * Immediately share with all their friends how pathetic you are and have great laughs at your expense Don't lose sight that it will only stroke their egos further and further drive them away from you. None of these characteristics listed above are attractive to anyone, much less someone they already told to "go away".. If none of these things bother you, then by all means, please contact them right away. 2
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks for the kick in the pants. I mean that. I know I get caught up in my misery and I can't see straight. In fact I don't want to see straight, you know? It's hard. Thank you aloneinaz...
thespacey1 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 There must be something in the air tonight... Or perhaps weekends are typically the most difficult during breakups. Either way , it's not a good feeling.
surferchic Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Got it, thanks for some more details. Yeah, stay strong and know that we can't tell you exactly how to handle things. But it sounds like you should continue to chill and focus on yourself and things that make you happy right now. Take it one day at a time. He'll appreciate / respect you more if you contact him less, if at all. Know your worth... 1
guest569 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Aww, my ex dumped me with the same reason. i didnt realise but the last few months of the relationship he was having doubts and waiting for his feelings to grow. Hurts..
darkbloom Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT send that email. You don't want to be friends with him. You want him to be your boyfriend again. You are hiding your true feelings and wrapping it in a friendship flavored coating in an attempt to get him to come back to you. And I have read thousands of threads that put a timeline on sending communications. Whoever came up with 30 days NC as a way to get your ex back is just silly. The very best thing you can do is appear as though you've moved on. That you haven't spent a single second thinking about someone who doesn't want to be with you. You can't manipulate anyone in to wanting you back. They have to reach that conclusion on their own. 1
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