Do you think this came off inappropriate to my coworkers?

[HansonGirl]

So when I started my job, I joined a team that was very tight-knit. I have a male coworker ("Bob") who is a newlywed (wife is "Cathy"), and he is about the same age as all of us. Whenever the rest of us would do a group email or text, I would notice that sometimes he was not included. I got along great with Bob so I would either say, "can we invite bob too?" or tell them we should also invite him. One time one of the coworkers said, "and Cathy too?" and I responded, "yes of course, i thought of them as a package deal." but the fact that they asked that question made me sort of worry that maybe these people think I have a thing for Bob. I had only met Cathy once or twice and we didnt really have a chance to talk, but I did mean like him and her. One time I added his number to the group text but I didnt have her number yet so that's why i did not add her.

If the new single female girl kept insisting we include the male member of her team, would you wonder if she had a crush on him? Maybe it scares me because he and i get along very well and occasionally I think to myself hmm this is bordering on flirtatious and it is inappropriate. And the thing is I do not like him that way - if he wasn't on my team i'd probably not talk to him. And the fact that he is married is perhaps one of the reasons we get along so well- because I am not trying to be attractive to him so I can be myself. I actually was/am interested in another coworker (i've posted about the other coworker before). But even though I know i'm not into Bob that way, that doesn't mean that's necessarily how it came across! I realized after the fact that perhaps it was not appropriate. I am a little sensitive to social things, and I always want to make sure people feel included, and I hope that's how it came across.

I sort of stopped doing that when it became clear that Bob and Cathy did not seem interested in joining the rest of us. And one time one of the girls even said to me, "sorry, I am not even including Bob in this invitation because he's not even going to respond." so i was hoping that was indication that she knew i just wanted to make sure he was included and nothing more.

 

the bottom line is I don't want to get a bad reputation professionally as some sort of homewrecker-attempter because I am not! I'm just really socially awkward. And if it did come off really really questionable what can i do in the future and is it possible to remedy this.

Edited July 24, 2015 by HansonGirl

[pink_sugar]

You're really worried about this too much. If it's really true that you don't have the hots for him, don't worry about it and move on. It sounds like they don't include him because he probably keeps to himself and isn't interested in being part of the clique. You've done your part to try and include him.

 

I work in a cliquey environment and often do my own thing as I just don't feel as if I fit in with the clique, plus I like to get away from the office on my lunch hour...get outside and get some fresh air. People might think I am avoiding them, but that is there issue. I just enjoy sitting outside on my lunch hour getting some peace and quiet.

[applej4]

I agree with pinksugar 100%. Not your problem OP. Focus on doing the work/job.

[d0nnivain]

If everybody else on the team was invited but not Bob & you mentioned the oversight, I would simply think that you were worried about team harmony unless your other behavior said otherwise.

[Diezel]

There's a reason he might not be included. If you keep pressing Bob on them, you might find that soon, you won't be getting group emails either.

[applej4]

It occurs to me that in several jobs I had over the course of a 40+ yr working life (retired now) a lot of time was spent on the subject of LUNCH; Who goes to lunch with who, when, where, and how long they are gone. Such a waste of time. I don't buy the team harmony rationale.

[kenmore]

Hansongirl, you were absolutely right to consider Bob and his wife. No matter what happens and what anybody says, always do what your conscience tells you to do. You did that and I applaud you for it!

 

Pink_sugar is correct in that it's a clique, but since it seems to involve everyone but them, it's that much more hurtful...then again it's also that much to a point.

 

Here's my take: Bob was part of the group. He loved to go out and have fun. He started dating Cathy, he fell in love with her, she was not part of the group. He brought her a few times, something didn't work (she's not part of the group or she didn't like the group) so they stopped inviting Bob.

 

OR, maybe Cathy just decided Bob needs to spend time with her because she's a little insecure. Maybe the group hates her because of that.

 

Since it was mentioned "so invite Cathy too?", That tells me she's the problem somehow.

 

That said, there were people who did not like my wife and people she didn't like. I was fortunate enough to not have serious issues picking sides, where I needed to land was clear enough. You will probably not know what the issues are there, but I'm sure you will find out (probably from Bob) soon enough.

 

He may have chosen his wife's side or if she was excluded, he stuck by her. I would do the same. My wife is always the most important person in the world. ALWAYS!

 

Let it go for now and don't worry. Anyone who suspects you of "hitting on Bob" is an idiot, and I feel your social skills are great! Better than most people's.

 

Treat Bob like a regular workmate, and understand his wife may not like most of the people he works with, but she may like you if you are simply kind and understanding...those are traits most people don't have, unfortunately.

 

Ken

[pink_sugar]

I like to do my own thing on lunch, yet I feel left out when I'm overlooked. I think in some ways the company culture isn't for me. Hence why I'm looking for another job for that and many other reasons.

[HansonGirl]

Thanks everybody. I guess I was just overworried a little bit. I mean once it became clear (pretty early on) that he rarely participated, I no longer said, "What about Bob?!" but I am overly sensitive about what other people think of me I guess. I have had people misread my intentions before and I can't count on people to know me or give me the benefit of the doubt. I've had a girl who I had just met tell my guy friend that she thought I was into him (based on one interaction) and she was dead wrong, but then she was going around telling everybody this. It was simply not true, and in fact I did NOT like him in that way. I mean all it takes is one person like that girl to interpret things the way she wants to interpret them and plant the seed in other people's heads.

[preraph]

I don't think you ought to be getting in that deep at work, period. And yes, it looks like you have special interest in him. And if you know he's flirtatious, you should do everything you can to discourage that.

[kenmore]

I don't think you ought to be getting in that deep at work, period. And yes, it looks like you have special interest in him. And if you know he's flirtatious, you should do everything you can to discourage that.

 

I agree with this sentiment that OP needs to make sure to send the right signals, but the impression I got was not that he is flirtatious, but rather she was concerned that her actions / words may have been considered such.

 

I also agree that as easy as it is to get to know people at work, therefore how ideal of a situation it is to create a relationship, it's usually the worst thing one can do. It's almost always better to do hunting away from your lair for the simple reason that it's better to take a crap away from your lair, and one often involves the other.