15Love Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Sooooo, someone here at LS (looking at you DK666) made a gentle suggestion to me today. So gentle I almost missed it. I'm prone to miss the obvious when it comes to this situation. He asked me if I thought I was in love... or obsessed. I countered with I thought I was more addicted then anything ( I realize now I somehow justify that as more ...chic). He replied...he thought they might be interchangeable. I didn't think much more about it. Just continued with my afternoon battling (and winning!) urges to text himabout anything and nothing. So I'm sitting here reading when suddenly I'm struck by the fact I should at least look into this obsession idea so I can put it behind me. I type some search terms into google...ready to find out that obsessed people are bunny boilers and SWF types and I most def am not obsessive because .... because... well... because I won't fit into the profiles Google is so excited to offer! Ummmm, folks? I'm kinda fittin the bill here. This has been so eye opening. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that because I guess it's obvious, now that I see the criteria (and there's no bunnys or pots of hot water necessary to qualify). This has given me an entirely new perspective. I may have been content to play the romantic addict... But I will not spend another day fitting into the criteria of a person obsessed with another mere mortal. We all have different things that strike a nerve and for me...this has really rattled me. I will be doing my homework... Thank you DK666. 3
Author 15Love Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Just in case this list opens anyone else's eyes like it did mine: 10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your ex If you are here reading this, chances are you still have strong feelings for your ex, and want him or her back. I’m the first one to say, if you still love someone, then fight for your relationship. Too many people give up just because getting your ex back is hard. But sometimes, we hold onto someone or something for all the wrong reasons. And some of us even know that the relationship is bad for us, and have been told so by several friends and relatives but we still hold on when we should be letting go. 1. The relationship ended because you worried too much, were overly jealous and became too controlling and needy. 2. When you think about not having your ex in your life, you feel like your life is over. 3. Constantly monitoring your ex to see what he/she is doing is consuming most of your time. Try as you can, you just can’t help yourself. 4. You suffer from terrible anxiety and fear which can only be relieved by re-establishing contact with your ex. 5. The thought of your ex with someone new sends you into panic mode, and makes you feel inadequate and worthless. 6. You were very unhappy in the relationship and felt that it was better not to be together, but now that you are broken up, you want your ex back so bad. 7. You are willing to do anything and everything your ex says he/she wants you to do, if that will get your ex back. 8. You keep telling yourself how much your ex loves you and how much he/she misses you, even when the reality is that your ex hasn’t contacted you in weeks and even when you make contact, he/she doesn’t show much interest. 9. The main reason you want your ex back because right now it hurts so much and having him or her back in your life will make it better. 10. You have a pattern of staying too long in bad relationships. If most of the above apply to you, you have lost the capacity to direct your own life, no wonder you feel so out of control. To move toward recovery, your first steps must be to recognize that you are “needy and clingy”, and then try to work on why you are the way you are in the first place. If you do not work on the neediness and clinging, your efforts to get your ex back are a distraction and a waste of time at best. At worst, you are extremely vulnerable to emotional abuse by a selfish, narcissistic and manipulative ex. 3
DK666 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 You're welcome 15love. It's strange how much easier it is for other people who aren't emotionally involved to question certain aspects of a situation. Emotions cloud things so much, though the downside is that hearing the naked truth from other people usually hurts. I have no doubt that you did love him at some point, though being fed the breadcrumbs without receiving the love back has maybe been what turned it into an addiction, though I'm really no expert. What is obvious is that having it dragged on for so long has not done you any favors at all. Thank you for posting that list as I was concerned that I may be obsessed with my ex also, it seems that only a couple may apply to me, 1 definitely, 4 and 5 only a little bit, and *maybe* a bit of 9. Problem is from what I've read, 1 is usually a dealbreaker for a relationship. How are you feeling today about things?
Author 15Love Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) I think you're spot on! A number of the things on the list (like three) I don't actually act on but I wouldn't mind doing those things...so I count em. I'm feeling hopeful today. This gives me something to fight against. Maybe I did or do love him...all I know is the lack of love from him...makes none of that matter. Edited July 25, 2015 by 15Love 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Uh oh ...... I got 5 out of 10. Fudge. But that's just on a bad day like today. Other days I'm at 1 tops (#10). So what does that mean? I'm bi-obsessed? Mildly obsessed? I have been obsessing about my Ex on the bad days. Other days I feel confident that this BU is the best thing for me. 3
Author 15Love Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Lol! You get 1 on good days... And 5 on bad?? Shoooooot. I really need help. Geez I'm such a loser.
Author 15Love Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 It does not help that he just texted me. He's a firefighter so he's probably just bored. It's uncanny how he seems to show up when I'm getting a handle on things! Hello. That's it. Almost three weeks...and then "hello." Uuuuugh
darkbloom Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I am absolutely obssesed with my ex. The checklist was helpful but I already knew I was sorta obsessed in my head. I am choosing consciously everyday to not participate in any of those thoughts/activities. Because it makes me insane. And I feel insane when I indulge the obsession. 2
Gus Grimly Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 And I feel insane when I indulge the obsession. Yeah, that can be a problem and lead to much anxiety and stress. I hate that so much when it pops it's head out of the water. Just go away! 1
Jonp219 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Damn man, I got like 6 or 7 on a bad day. On a good day I have like 2 smh
Author 15Love Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 I think it is all a matter of love; the more you love a memory the stronger and stranger it becomes. ~ Vladimir Nabokov Ah, the never-ending struggle known as love! Love is that emotion that has the power to penetrate all other emotions, healing us on our deepest levels of being. But what happens when love itself becomes corrupt and negative emotions creep in, such as fear, anxiety, or anger? The result is an adulterated version of love, known as obsession. None of us want to believe that we're obsessed with anything or anyone since obsession denotes a harmful state of being. But in fact, we're all obsessed with something: some of us may be obsessed with clothes, others with food and eating, still others with the way we look or with our work. What we need to understand is that obsession is never a positive thing. Even if we're obsessed with helping the world or spreading love, which are positive in essence, no thought or act should dominate our lives to the point that we live only for it. Moderation is truly key: everything in moderation, nothing taken to an excess. This includes food, money, love, etc. etc. When we take anything to an excessive state, we overthrow the delicate balance within our minds. Our brains are split into sections. It's like a school with many classrooms: one classroom teaches science, one philosophy, one mathematics, one writing, and so on. There's an even harmony spread throughout so that no one subject overlaps another. But when all the students of that school only attend the mathematics class and no other class, the other subjects are abandoned. This principle easily applies to the classrooms within your brain. If you're only focusing on a person you're in love with day and night, you're ordering all of the neurons in your brain to go to that particular section of thought. And over time, neurons form bonds and establish relationships and multiply in number. So if you're stuck on an ex-partner, the more you obsess over him or her, the more you're implementing this person permanently into your brain. Ideally, you want the neurons in your brain spread out evenly between work and family and love and a social life and self-care. Like the students all crammed into one classroom, you don't want your neurons bunched up on only one side of your brain. This is what happens when we're obsessed with a person. The word "obsess" comes from the Latin verb "obsidere," which means "to sit inside of, or occupy." The person we're obsessed with figuratively occupies our brains. They become the main concern circling within our minds. We might lead perfectly normal lives, but the one we're obsessed with will constantly pop up in our thoughts. So who are you thinking about every day, and maybe not even realizing it? Is your ex-spouse in your thoughts? Does a former partner keep coming to mind? It's not entirely difficult to become obsessed with someone, such as when a relationship ends suddenly or is ended by the other person. If a relationship comes to an end before we're were ready to let go, it can take a real psychological toll. Whenever any chapter of our lives comes to a close before we're prepared, we experience struggle in letting go. As a psychologist and relationship specialist, I see and hear all sorts of cases every day. But the type of case I most often encounter is obsession with another person. A large number of the clients I speak with come for help on letting go of another person they just can't seem to forget. I counsel women who have fallen in love with other women's husbands, men who just can't stop thinking about their ex-partner, even women who are dating men who are dating three other women, but they just can't let go. The common thread between these examples is being obsessed with someone they can't have. And that's the key to obsession: you can't have the person. That's exactly what keeps someone totally bound to an ex-partner, or someone else's husband, or an estranged boyfriend who only sometimes comes around. It seems the old phrase "you always want what you can't have" is true. And it's not just true of wanting to have unrealistic, tangible things, it's true of the people we want to have, too. It's a psychological phenomenon; if the relationship isn't a challenge, we aren't as interested in it. If that were the case, every person in the world would settle down with an uncomplicated partner and no one would experience relationship problems. But we're not programmed that way. We're wired by nature to seek and take on challenges. This is in our DNA, and this is because challenges lead to evolution. When a species is faced with environmental challenges, it quickly evolves to adapt to those challenges. So subconsciously, we seek challenges as a means towards evolution and self-improvement. This also holds true of the types of relationships we seek; we challenge ourselves to be with a person so as to make them, and us, better over time. When someone has broken up with us or doesn't want to be with us, the challenge becomes to get them back. And our stubborn brains don't want to let go of this task until we've fulfilled it. What I want you to think about now is who is your challenge? If you're in a stable relationship, you may have already conquered your challenge, but if you're not then there probably exists someone you're interested in. Who is it, and how does this person impact your life? Could it be that you spend too much time thinking about him or her, or that you won't give up on this person even if they're not right for you? Are you obsessed? Infatuation vs. Obsession Being infatuated with someone is a healthy, normal element of life. Think about infatuation as that feeling of being head over heels for someone; we smile just at the thought of that person! We can be infatuated with our partner or potential love interest without crossing the line into obsession. And that's a beautiful thing. But how do we know when it's gone too far? How do we distinguish between an intense love and an unhealthy preoccupation? Even worse, how can we decipher when it's time to move on because the other person doesn't reciprocating our feelings? It becomes very difficult to answer these questions on our own when we're trapped within an emotional bubble, and it becomes all too easy to make the wrong decisions. Answer the following nine questions truthfully. These questions will help you evaluate whether you are in fact obsessed with a person, whether your obsession is justified based on the other person's response to you, and whether you need to detach from whom you're mentally dependent on. I want you to introspect and be honest with yourself. 1.) Identify who you think you're obsessed with: This is a pretty easy question to answer. Is there a person you're interested in who you just can't get off your brain? 2.) How much of your day is taken up thinking about him or her: Are they the first thing you think about when you wake up or the last thing before you go to sleep? Do they suddenly float into your mind as you're working, socializing, or occupied with other activities? 3.) What routine activities are interrupted by him or her: If they don't return your phone call or don't want to see you, do you feel emotionally damaged? Do you cry easily because of this person, and are you overly sensitive to their responses to you? 4.) What is your expected outcome: Do you realistically expect to be with this person, or do you know deep down that that will never happen? 5.) What is their response to you: How does this person treat you, in turn? Do they make an effort to be with you or are you always the one to seek them? 6.) Are you hiding your obsession: Are you afraid to admit to anyone else just how much you dwell on this person? Do you have feelings of shame or embarrassment to confess how much you think about them? 7.) Evaluate your life within this person: How would your life be if you weren't stuck on this person? Would you actually feel freer and more willing to try and find a new love interest? 8.) Get to the root of the problem: Where is this obsession coming from? Were you traumatized by a breakup or damaged by a former relationship, which is making you not want to let go under any circumstance? 9.) Realize the need to detach: After answering these questions honestly, do you feel a guilty need to detach from this person for your own well-being? How to Detach If you answered yes to more than four of the above questions, you may want to consider mentally and emotionally distancing yourself from the person in question. There are effective ways to detach from someone, and the process doesn't have to hurt. This takes time and a bit of effort on your part, with small steps taken each day. Here are five simple steps to apply every day to help you detach: 1.) Start your day with empowerment: Say a quick prayer of empowerment each morning. Ask the Divine to make this a stress-free day and believe that it will be. Affirm to yourself as soon as you wake up that your happiness is not dependent on this person. Recite quotes which strengthen your independence and inner force. 2.) "Replace" your obsession: Exchange your obsession for a much more positive activity. Every time you find yourself thinking of the person, force your thoughts away to a more pleasant idea. Contemplate a project, think about an upcoming event that excites you, or evaluate the outcome a different concern. The more you force yourself to think about something else, the more you train your brain to function on other elements of life. 3.) Turn to others for inspiration: This is not a time to isolate yourself. Rely on the support and compassion of friends and family, especially those who have experienced similar situations. Seek experiences like yours to help inspire you to overcome your dilemma. For example, buy a book which explores the theme of letting go of a former love and relate this to your own life. 4.) Practice self-care: This is the time to take care of yourself. Invest in yourself and your needs. You are your own main priority. There's nothing wrong with a bit of self-pampering; exercise regularly, take care of your health, splurge on one item, reinvent your look- anything to make yourself happy! 5.) Get into a new routine: You need to distract yourself, even force yourself to look the other way when all you want to see is this person. You need to rewire the neurons in your brain to turn away from the "obsession" corner they're crowded in. Daily activities help with this. Take up a new hobby, join a club, do anything which does not harm you and which doesn't remind you of the person. Like anything else in life, detachment takes time and is a process. But the results are remarkably liberating: a life in which an unhealthy obsession doesn't dominate your day to day thoughts and actions.
Author 15Love Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Damn man, I got like 6 or 7 on a bad day. On a good day I have like 2 smh Don't worry! Now we know, we can begin to grow! What was that cartoon my brothers used to watch when we were kids? GI Jo or Transformers? Knowing is half the battle! 2
Jonp219 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Don't worry! Now we know, we can begin to grow! What was that cartoon my brothers used to watch when we were kids? GI Jo or Transformers? Knowing is half the battle! That's GI Joe What bothers me the most is that I was obsessive even during the relationship, which was part of the reason it failed. But yeah, knowing is half the battle, now I know what to do next time with my next gf. Whether it be with her or another girl. 2
Author 15Love Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 GIIIIIII JOOOOOOO. That's the one. What bothers me is I'm back to square one, and knowing about this obsessing business didn't stop me from falling alllll in the trap when he called. I asked him why he doesn't call me. He says he has wanted to call me SO many times but thought maybe I was trying to move on. Which I am! Just not really I guess. Aaaaaargh I'm so ****ing confused!! So apparently half the battle isn't enough. I need the other half.
DK666 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 GIIIIIII JOOOOOOO. That's the one. What bothers me is I'm back to square one, and knowing about this obsessing business didn't stop me from falling alllll in the trap when he called. I asked him why he doesn't call me. He says he has wanted to call me SO many times but thought maybe I was trying to move on. Which I am! Just not really I guess. Aaaaaargh I'm so ****ing confused!! So apparently half the battle isn't enough. I need the other half. it's a journey, and every journey has to start somewhere. This is just something else to think about while you're doing NC (you probably shouldn't have spoken to him btw, you've set yourself back). 1
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