Author FaithInMe Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 57 days post BU 10 days NC (I reached 30 days NC and then my ex sent me an email on Day 30. That initiated some amicable LC and now I am back at NC.) I've been pretty busy lately between work, college, and getting ready for my trip to CA (leaving on Friday). I find that being busy really helps keep me focused on me and my life, and less on my exBF. I feel like all the stages of grief flood over me in some moments, all at once.....denial, bargaining, acceptance, etc... In some moments there is hope. In others there is indifference. In some there is anger, and pretend conversations where I tell him off. In others there is acceptance. Then I revert back and start the crazy cycle all over again. But what I try to remember is that there ARE brief moments of acceptance, and those moments will linger a bit longer, and a bit longer, until that is where I stay. I look forward to that day. After 2 months, I would hope that I'd be better by now. But with the rest of my life, the depression, anxiety attacks brought on by my mom and the nursing home, I know that I am doing the best I can. Life certainly hasn't been easy for me, not in a long time. It also seems I've been surrounded by death lately. My dad, my friend, a coworker, both parents of one of my close friends, and then the grandfather of a student I met through my son. I was speaking to the young man today on Facebook, trying to offer him comfort about his grandfather, and I remembered something a friend had sent me after I lost my dad in March. As I re-typed it for this young man, I realized that it applies to the grief I've been experiencing over my BU too. So I am going to share it here, in the hopes that others may find it useful. "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." ~~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler That wisdom can apply to the loss of my dad, or the loss of my ex. Regardless of where things are now, and what I've lost, for 18 months I had something pretty incredible. And I was blessed to have a man stand beside me and support me through what was most likely the most difficult (and saddest) year of my life. Although he left me, and broke my heart, I will never forget what he gave to me during that time. I learned that it is okay to let the walls down and to need someone. I learned that we are not supposed to go through life alone. I learned that I can endure. I learned that even in the darkest moments, there can be light. I will find my light again. I will feel whole again. I will learn to love again. I will learn to trust again. In my own time, and in my way, I will get there. One day at a time.
54JA Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 But what I try to remember is that there ARE brief moments of acceptance, and those moments will linger a bit longer, and a bit longer, until that is where I stay. I look forward to that day. This is awesome! Good to hear you are doing well!
Author FaithInMe Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 This is awesome! Good to hear you are doing well! Thanks. I am definitely in a much better place than I was a month ago, or when I first started reading this forum. I can only imagine where I will be another month from now.
Author FaithInMe Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Ugh! Those dreaded dreams! I haven’t had very many since the BU, and as expected when I wake up from one, it takes a moment for reality (and the sadness) to kick in. The dream this morning was the toughest I have had so far! I was so happy in the dream. It was about my exBF and his 12 year old son. I love his son and he was a part of my life until the BU. The dream also had a quick visit from his ex-wife, where she was dropping off their son. I met her once when we were dating, and I know that she liked me. In the dream we were enjoying the time together and his son hugged me. I always loved his group hugs. We were also discussing our plans for the upcoming weekend. When I woke up I felt sad and cheated. My ex’s decision to run away and not face things affected others beside me, including his son. It also impacted my mom because she came to love my ex. He would go visit her and help her because he lives close to the nursing home. After my dad died, she started to lean on him a little to help her cope. She is also hurt by his behaviors and sudden running away. We all opened our hearts to him and learned to trust him. He was good to me and my family. He earned it back then, because he helped us through some rough spots. So why wouldn't we let him into our lives wholeheartedly? It's one thing to hurt me, but to hurt my mom....that stings. She has already been through so much. I don't know if she will ever forgive him. Although the dream set me back a bit and made me start my work week on a sad note, it also helped knock my ex off the pedestal a little bit more. His actions, the break up, and even his email “breadcrumbs”, telling me he loved me, hoping I could trust him again, wanting to get to a place where we could be friends, saying that maybe we will find our way back to each other, asking me to forgive him, talking about past baggage that he brought into the relationship, talking about a fight 7 months ago and how the anger held on.... As welcomed, kind, and loving as the email was, it was mostly about him. And after my reply, he went back into hiding again. He is good at running and hiding. He wanted me to forgive him for what he did, but he hasn't forgiven me for a fight that happened months ago. Why is that? I may never know. A person that truly loved me would have talked to me about what was happening, worked at the relationship, and wouldn’t throw it away without trying. Cowardly and selfish. I miss the moments with him and his son, but I will not miss the way this heartache feels now – this pain he put me through. And based on his email from a few weeks ago, the pain he put his son through too, because his son was upset when he learned about the BU and feels his dad gave up without trying. Even a 12 year old can figure that one out. There is only one other man in my life that has done this to me in this manner, and that was my ex H who left for another woman. I made mistakes, but there is nothing I could have done that would warrant someone treating me like this. I feel that my ex BF knows the pain this caused, because he has been through the same. Knowing that, I'd think he would have handled it differently. As I am writing this, I am reminded again that time and distance brings much clarity. My ex H had to live in his own hell for years after what he did to me and our kids (actually I think he still lives in that hell because his marriage has been rocky for years). It took him years to apologize to me and own what he did. I feel that my ex BF is dealing with his own hell too, guilt, and whatever else he is experiencing, based on that email from a few weeks ago. But that is his hell to live in, and I cannot help him there. He has to find his own way and his own kind of forgiveness. I have my own life to live and my own healing to do. I am moving on to a better place and hell doesn't live there. I may have a few regrets, and things I could have done differently, but those I can live with. I don't think he can say the same. Not that I want him to be miserable, but life delivers its own form of justice that doesn't require my input. Anyway, I hate the dreams. Enough venting for now. SMILE Don’t you just hate those dreams???
Author FaithInMe Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Does anyone else feel that this message board can be a form of contact in some ways? Has anyone else had to limit their time reading to help them with healing? I came to a realization today... For me No Contact is more than contact with my ex. I believe that it also includes talking about him and sometimes this message board (and others like it). Don't get me wrong, I have learned a lot from reading the threads and from the advice provided. But sometimes I think I come here to "get my fix." Instead of contacting my ex to "get a fix" or to be hurt yet again, I come here. Now I know that is better than contacting my ex, but I am starting to think it is holding me back a little. It's been 2 months post BU. I had some LC a couple weeks ago where he replied to my initial email from weeks ago and shared things with me. That was followed by him letting me know about my friend's death, and then I used that as an opportunity to ask him to help my cousin. Since then, nothing. So I'm doing okay there. His email gave an indication that he is having some doubts and left a bit of a whole of a possibility for the future. He accepted accountability for some of what happened and even acknowledged some baggage he brought to the relationship. He talked about forgiveness and about finding a way to build trust again. And hearing him say he loved me and hearing what he misses about me, and about us? Well, yeah that was nice too. But I still feel like a lot of it was for him and about him. I am not asking for perfection, but I want him to see more value in me and what I brought to us. He gave a couple examples, but it wasn't enough or what I deserve after being dumped. I thought the message would set me back more than it did, and I am grateful that I was able to maintain my focus. I still remember what it said and could probably quote some statements from memory (or close to it). After 30 days NC, the message meant a lot -- because it was something that HE had to initiate. But again, I can't help him figure out how to fix him. And unless he decides on his own that he wants to work on us, then I keep on moving on. One day at a time.... - I'm seeing a counselor. - I'm starting to eat a little better (still haven't conquered sleep yet, but that will come). - I'm becoming more focused on work. - I have less anxiety attacks. - I have learned to set boundaries regarding my mom and my brother's support. - I find I can talk about other things with my friends. - I have learned how to balance the alone time at home with activities and going out, and that has reduced the depression. I am definitely better and moving in the right direction. BUT..... After 2 months, I want to be a bit more past this. And I want to enjoy life and stop wasting time thinking about what could have been and what I lost. Then I started to think about the way my friends ask about him, about how they want to be there to listen, and then the way I come to this board a couple times through the day. I think I'm going to apply LC to conversations with my friends, and to this board as well. I will come here to post an update every now and then, to help me and to share my journey. And I will come here if I am having a difficult time and need advice. But aside from that, I'm going to try to wean myself off of here. When I think about getting on the board, I'm going to do something else, like: Text a friend FB message or call a member of my newly found bio family Use one of my 7 minute workout apps Go for a run Anything that keeps me from focusing on my ex or my healing. Instead of reading about it and thinking about moving on with my life and enjoying myself, how about I actually start doing that more? Is this making any sense?
Author FaithInMe Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Well, this semester is done. Thank God! I think I did well on the exam tonight, probably the best I've felt all semester. That is good too, because the combined score on the 3 sections is 40% of my final grade. I cannot believe I'm done with this class - so excited! The year started off rough with my parents, then losing my dad. And this summer hasn't been any better with mom stressors and then the break-up. Between all the stress, depression, and anxiety, it was a challenge just to get through the day, let alone remain focused on this class. Some days I just had to let go and accept whatever happened. When I felt like giving up, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and trudged on ahead anyway, despite how hard it was. I kept telling myself "one day at a time." But tonight I feel wonderful!! If I can take the hardest class there is and succeed at it, especially during heartbreak and one of the most stressful years in my life.....Then well, I feel like I can tackle just about anything that life throws my way. How empowering! This feels great, folks!! One semester to go -- I'm in the home stretch! Graduation here I come!
Author FaithInMe Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Tomorrow afternoon I am going on my first real vacation in almost a year. I've been on a few getaways here and there, like the one I posted about a few weeks ago, but this is 8 days. I am going out to CA to see my sons! So excited!! My oldest (29) lives in the SF area, and the other (21) is staying in the LA area for the summer, before he returns to the east coast for the new college semester. So I'm spending time in both regions. My bag is just about packed, and then I guess I should get a good night's sleep. East coast to west coast is a long ride, and after not sleeping well last night I'm already very tired. I am taking my book with me for the plane ride, in between napping. I think this trip will be good for me, and another step in my healing process. Every day I feel my swagger come back a little more. I want ME back, and I think I'll have more swagger after this getaway. Getting through that class from hell definitely helped, and add on this vacation.....ahhhhhhh.....I feel better just thinking about it. Although it will definitely be a short break. Two days after I return the new college semester starts. But I hope to be refreshed and ready! And with each step I take back to ME, it's one step further away from my ex. I can't remember if I asked this question already, but as time goes by, does the memory of it all start to feel unreal? I mean do you almost start to see it through a fog? I don't know how to describe it, but I almost forget what it feels like to be his partner and in love with him. Yes, I still love him, and I would like to reconcile someday, that's a given. But, I feel him slipping away as if it was someone else's life. As if we were never together. Can someone please help me describe this feeling? I can't find the words.
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