Just need insight to move on

[unsaved]

Hey folks, this is a long one. Sorry. Appreciate those who decide to read it. It's really sad how I was once using this website like 5 years ago and now i'm back. Here is my new story:

 

About 3 years ago, I broke up with a boyfriend from a toxic relationship. The guy was crazy and long story short, I ended it. Several weeks after I broke up with him, a guy who I vaguely knew from my past and I randomly saw each other at a bar and we started talking again. I hadn't really seen this guy in several years. We started talking as friends. We exchanged numbers because I was interested in finding new friends. As we started texting, he started to tell me how he had recently split from his current wife. I was intrigued and interested in helping him talk through his problems (I am trained as a therapist) and had no attraction to this man. I just wanted to help. We texted day in and day out. Often times until we both fell asleep. It was like this for a few weeks. He told me many personal things about his wife and marriage. Why it ended. How she left him for someone else. The sex was gone. Everything. It was crazy. Then one day, we decided to meet up. No idea why. Next thing I know, he and I are having some kind of crazy love affair. Texting and talking all the time. Being intimate, although not having sex. Just everything. He even initiated telling me he loved me. Crazy. I KNOW. Well, it gets bad from here on out.

 

After a few weeks of this dream-like world and telling me he loved me, he backed away. I, of course, was devastated. Now, I know what you are all thinking. I know it very well now as well. He was never ready for any of it, he was rebounding. etc., etc., etc. Trust me, only now do I know how stupid it all was. Only now do I know how stupid it is to be involved with any guy who is separated/divorced/etc. But I was in love and COMPLETELY oblivious. And we were so close. We shard everything. How stupid of me to believe that a guy who shares everything with me can be trusted. But, I continued to pine over him. I was in love.

 

So, for the next 2 years, he strung me along. He knew he liked me. He knew I loved him. He wanted to be with me but also always told me he could not commit because he was not ready. Time and time again, he would hang out with me for a few weeks. We would start to get very close, and he would "break it off" citing that he just "wasn't ready and couldn't commit." We would always have these intense endings where he would get frustrated that I wanted more and then he would end it. This happened several times over the course of 2 years. During the "breaks," I dated other people. But, I always came back to him. Finally, at the end of those 2 years, I broke it off for good with him. I decided I could no longer do it. It just killed me that he never wanted to commit to me. So, I went NC, blocked him from Facebook. Everything.

 

However, 3 months after that happened (1 year ago), he contacted me again. I ignored his advance. But then, he told me how much he missed me and cared about me. He told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He told me he had divorced his wife. After several days of thinking and deciding what to do, I caved in and said I wanted to be with him. I loved him so much. I cared for this man so much. Of course I was going to try, although I promised myself that I would only give it one real try. If he tried to break up with me again, then I would be done for good.

 

So, this past year we were together, everything was wonderful. I could drag on about how compatible I feel we were and how much fun we had together. We went on trips to Chicago, NYC, Ohio, Texas. He was the one who planned all the trips. After about 6 months, he was able to tell me he loved me again. It was very sweet. He was always touch feely with me in public. Even my parents commented on how happy we seemed together.

 

But, one of the unfortunate things about our relationship is how extremely busy we both were. I am currently in professional school full-time, work a part-time job, and coach girls soccer a few nights a week. He has a full-time job, plays on an amateur sports team, and also coaches soccer a few nights a week. We usually were able to find time for each other. But within the past few weeks, things had been a little different and he stopped putting out as much effort to see me. He chose to stay home instead oftentimes because he was tired. I tried to understand but at the same time, it was just weird.

 

Well, about 3 weeks ago we went on a trip to NYC. It was so wonderful! We had such a good time. NO signs of any problems. In fact, I never saw any signs except for that he and stopped putting out effort for a few weeks before. When we returned from NYC, it was my birthday. On my birthday, I didn't receive a message from him until later in the day. I somewhat got mad about this because it didn't make sense and I was hurt by it (uncharacteristic of him). He played it off as if he got his days mixed up. I tried to believe him and move on but it still bothered me. The next morning, I brought it up to him how it bothered me that he mixed my birthday up and also that he wasn't putting out that much effort to spend time with me lately. He got angry with me and suddenly pulled the same thing he had in the past. "I just can't be with you. I just can't be with anyone. I don't think I'll ever love anyone again." We had a very long talk about it all. I asked him if he had found someone else. He said no. I asked him why he put me through all of this. He really had nothing to say except he thought he should try. He even went as far as to say he never loved me and all the touch feely behaviors were because he "felt forced to do it and thought saying 'i love you' was the next step." It was completely crazy to me. It made no sense. I NEVER put pressure on him. I swear. In fact, i'm not really a touchy feely person. In the end, he basically said he wanted to give me a try but that was it.

 

Basically, I was completely shocked. At the end of our talk, we hugged and I told him thanks for giving me a chance to be with him. He said thanks for "saving his life" (referring to being there for him after his divorce.) And that was it.

 

Now I sit here trying to figure out what exactly happened this past year. I'm trying to figure out why this all happened. Why did he lie? Why did he do all this if it was always forced? I never wanted that. Why did he even bring me back in? Why did he leave? Everything was so great. I cannot get anywhere. Don't worry. I am in strict NC for 9 days. Facebook blocked. No texts, calls, anything. I am so all alone now and I just want to know why. I feel like I cannot move on until I have some insight about all of this. I have some idea, but help from people on this site would also help me.

 

Does anyone have any insight for me? Please don't come on here to belittle me for being with a man who was separated. I know that decision was stupid. If I could go back in time, I would. I just want to know what happened with this past year and this breakup. I want to know why he suddenly left me again. I hurt so bad day in and day out. I feel like he made a mistake. I just need support from someone. If anything, i just want opinions from lots of people so I can use that info to process and so I can move on.

 

Thanks so much for reading. This website is a blessing.

 

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[aloneinaz]

I think there's some lessons for anyone reading this thread. We are all guilty of choosing to ignore red flags when they present themselves. I know I certainly have.

 

 

OP- When he faded on you the first time, I think you know you should of cut and run and not re-engaged with him again. I think you also need to do some internal exploration as to why you'd let him "string you along" for two years If he couldn't commit to a solid relationship? Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing but I know when my last ex put me thru hell and I tolerated it for far to long, I was upset at the breakup and more upset with myself. I did some exploration in myself as to why I allowed it.

 

 

As to why he ended it again? Only he really knows why. Honestly, you should be RELIEVED it's over with him. Who wants a LTR w/a wishy washy person? Don't you deserve someone who can be fully "all in" in a committed relationship?

 

 

You know the drill on this site. You need to stay VANISHED from him. If he gets lonely or horny again and reaches out because he believes you'll come running, he needs to be met with stone cold, deafening silence from you.

 

 

My opinion, do some self examination as to why you put up with this dysfunctional R/S vs. cutting bait and finding someone else. Don't waste too much time trying to dissect this guys behaviors or actions. You'll never get a clear answer anyway.

[unsaved]

Thanks aloneinaz,

 

I know. I should've cut and run a long time ago. But that whole "love" thing had me hooked. This man's traits fit so many things that I wanted in my partner. I admired him so much. He made me laugh so much. We got along. We had so many things in common. It was just unreal how great it was. To me, no one else came close. So, it is so hard for me to let go of him. And I still think about all of this. I think about meeting someone who can compare to him and it makes me sick because I still have this feeling I won't, even though it's irrational. I know someday I will think differently. But right now, Its like I don't believe it. I hate that so much about the initial parts of breakups.

 

It just sucks that right now all I want to know is why he did this. Why after HE was the one who came back to ME? HE was the one who said ILY to ME! He prompted all of it! It just doesn't make sense. I just want him to tell me "I LEFT YOU FOR SOMEONE ELSE" or something. Something concrete that I can hate him for. He just said "I can't be with anyone. I can't handle a relationship and probably never will be able to." I don't even understand what that means. To me, it's a copout. I just want to know the truth. He stood strong that it was the truth. but I don't believe it. I thought maybe someone would read this story and may have been in the situation or know a guy/girl who did it to someone else. I know I'll never know. But it's what's eating me up day in and day out.

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I've been reflecting so much on this, it hurts. I seriously feel like I'm barely a human right now after all of this. I just want to pick myself back up and be just ok every day. I'm trying. But it's hard. I just want to ok.

 

*Sigh* oh well. I will continue on with NC. I just want to be through all this.

 

Anyway, thanks

 

Unsaved

[Gus Grimly]

You seem like a really bright and intelligent person. We all make mistakes, I should know ... I've made my fair share of them. You made a mistake and so did he (a big one). He's got commitment issues. You being a therapist should have seen that from the start. But of course when we are swept off our feet we put on rose colored glasses and an extra pair of horse blinders (just for good measure). You did NOTHING wrong. In fact I'm sure you were the best girlfriend he's ever had, but he's got issues with commitment. People internalize everything. Perhaps he envisioned a whole scenario where he saw the two of you eventually moving in together, then getting engaged, then married, kids, dog, goldfish, house, mowing the yard, divorce etc ... he probably got scared s***less. I dunno, that's just a whole bunch of conjecture, but you never know.

 

The guy put a lot of effort into the relationship. Then he says he did it because he felt obliged to do it. Sounds like a cop-out to me. Lame excuse. But in these breakups the dumpee rarely gets the full story. Most of the time the dumper lies to spare the other's feelings because they're too much of a coward to look in your eyes and tell you the truth. Your Ex doesn't seem like a bad guy, he's just A: doesn't have balls to be honest B: has no clue what he wants C: is suffering from commitment issues. I'm leaning towards C: but really, we could sit here all day hypothesizing what's going on in his head. What's most important is what's going on in your head.

 

You must feel absolutely horrible. There aren't enough adjectives in the dictionary to describe what just happened to you in the past year. The one thing you must not do is go back to him, speak to him or acknowledge him in any way. Stay as far away from him as humanly possible. He's destroyed your trust and put you through some immense mental gymnastics treating you so well then saying it was all just a big act.

 

You will get through this, I say this to you because everyone keeps saying it to me as well. Sooo, WE will get through this.

[54JA]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope you begin feeling better soon.

 

IMO, the beginning of the relationship was problematic. I am not talking about him not being ready. I am talking about your role as a therapist (doesn't matter that you were not his "official" therapist) and how the early relationship was established based on that. You mentioned you were intrigued by his situation and wanted to help because you are a "trained" therapist. I am assuming that you did a lot of listening and guiding for him in the beginning, and that you were really good at it because of your training. Maybe one of the reasons (other than physical attraction and compatibility) why he developed feelings for you was that he felt you understood him like nobody else ever has. This would not be a problem if the nature of the relationship was very clear and known to each other in the beginning. But, since you approached him as his "unofficial" therapist, I think it got complicated when you needed him in an un-therapist way. Your role needed to shift from that of an unofficial therapist to that of a girl friend.

 

I am not saying that professional therapists can't use their tools to help those in their personal lives who are not their clients. I'm sure they do all the time unconsciously. But, it seems like your relationship with him started out as client-therapist. Maybe I'm off base. I don't know. While this is probably not "illegal," in a sense that you can't get sued, I don't know if this was the most ethically sound move. I don't claim to know the therapists' professional ethics of conducts, but in my profession, we have something similar, that we don't "unofficially" treat someone, and to be careful with boundaries.

[unsaved]

Gus,

 

Thank you so much for your post. I like to imagine you actually are Colin Hanks here to give me advice. I love him. hehe.

 

Your words have helped me so much, you have no idea. Even though I made dumb mistakes, it helps me so much to have someone tell me that I'm human and it's ok. It helps to have someone say anything kind at this point. Im just so down on myself and how stupid I was and also how crazy I feel. And him basically retracting everything he said or did in our relationship was about as hurtful as one can be. Especially since he was touchy feely and feigned that he loved me up until 20 minutes before this whole mess got started. God, I hope I can get past this. My mind is so messed up.

 

Don't worry. I have absolutely no desire to even contact him or know anything about him now. He's completely blocked on FB, which is really his only social media outlet. I don't want to call or text because I just lost care to do so and don't want the repercussions if I did. So, unless we run into each other in some unfortunate circumstance, NC will be forever. Sadly, there are very small chances I could run into him as a soccer coach in the same club. But, even in that case, I think I could avoid it and do just fine.

 

But thanks again. Here's to US healing together, Gus.

[unsaved]

54JA,

 

I am actually a "retired" therapist (haha.) I only did it for 3 years and then quit to go back to school in a completely different field. My days of being a real therapist are LONG LONG gone, several years before I even met this guy. I still use my good listening skills and advice when I talk to people. But, I can hardly say I was actually being a "therapist" with him. I just listened very well and was a sounding board for him and his problems, just like any friend would be. Sure, I threw out a few pieces of advice here and there. But only things that any friend might say. I still have that desire and enjoy being that helpful person for many of my friends and family to this day. Just my niche I guess.

 

I think I only brought up the idea that I was a "therapist" for him was to convey to all of you love-shackers that our relationship started out very platonic and friendly on my end with only intentions of being a friend to him and not seeking intimate or deeper relations. Maybe I wasn't quite so clear. Hope that makes sense.

 

Thanks for your advice though. I agree that it starting out that way wasn't good since I was there for him to listen. I didn't plan for it to advance. It just sort of did. And HE is the one who pushed it that way. And I let it happen. It is what it is, I guess.

 

Please don't report me to my local ethics board! Although, my license has already lapsed so I guess there's nothing to report! ha!

[54JA]

54JA,

 

I am actually a "retired" therapist (haha.) I only did it for 3 years and then quit to go back to school in a completely different field. My days of being a real therapist are LONG LONG gone, several years before I even met this guy. I still use my good listening skills and advice when I talk to people. But, I can hardly say I was actually being a "therapist" with him. I just listened very well and was a sounding board for him and his problems, just like any friend would be. Sure, I threw out a few pieces of advice here and there. But only things that any friend might say. I still have that desire and enjoy being that helpful person for many of my friends and family to this day. Just my niche I guess.

 

I think I only brought up the idea that I was a "therapist" for him was to convey to all of you love-shackers that our relationship started out very platonic and friendly on my end with only intentions of being a friend to him and not seeking intimate or deeper relations. Maybe I wasn't quite so clear. Hope that makes sense.

 

Thanks for your advice though. I agree that it starting out that way wasn't good since I was there for him to listen. I didn't plan for it to advance. It just sort of did. And HE is the one who pushed it that way. And I let it happen. It is what it is, I guess.

 

Please don't report me to my local ethics board! Although, my license has already lapsed so I guess there's nothing to report! ha!

 

Of course not, as long as you promise me that the next man you date does not wake up your inner therapist:)

[quattrob]

Sorry to hear what you went through, all I can say is I get his reason when he said he loves you and was being touchy etc.. I was like that too, it's an attempt to try to see if he can actually make it work by pushing himself to say and do these things but alas in the end he just couldn't love you and give you the things you desired.

 

I take it as he tried to make it work by trying to play a bf that loved you but in the end he just couldn't.

 

Very sorry you had to experience this but like others have said red flags were there since the beginning. Sometimes it is hard to not listen to the obvious.

 

I know you may think that he's so special and so compatible with you but the world is a big place with many people in it. I think it's more like it's hard to meet that truly special and perfect guy for you because there are too many that aren't compatible with you and even more douchebags out there that would take advantage of you.

[Jemay]

I agree with Gus, and even before I read his reply I thought to myself, you did nothing wrong. And I'm sure you're in great pain right now, and it just really sucks. He did string you along, was probably never fully in it. I also think that he has 'issues' and it's unfortunate that you had to suffer for it.

 

I think there were red flags for sure and you chose to ignore them. We are all guilty of this. I know I've in the past ignored flags that were so red they nearly burnt up into flames, love makes us blind. Unfortunately there are consequences, like huge heart break. So sorry you are going through this.

 

Time will heal all wounds as they say. One thing I caution you against doing while you are on your healing journey, is idealizing him and putting him on such a high pedestal. You will most certainly find a wonderful partner again, a better one, one who will embrace being with you versus being wishy washy with you. You deserve a wonderful man, and I'm rooting for you!

[Gus Grimly]

Thank you so much for your post. I like to imagine you actually are Colin Hanks here to give me advice. I love him. hehe.

Me too! It's good to use your imagination once and a while.

 

Your words have helped me so much, you have no idea. Even though I made dumb mistakes, it helps me so much to have someone tell me that I'm human and it's ok. It helps to have someone say anything kind at this point.

Awe, cheer up! You know what? It's not only 'ok' but it's Gus Grimly approved! You're only reacting like anyone in your position would. No one can fault you for that. I'm glad to know you're taking NC seriously. It's not gonna be easy, nothing about what you are going through right now is. I wish there were more I could do for you. All I can give you are some words of encouragement.

 

I felt down yesterday, but then I read your post and realized there is someone out there in much worse pain than I am. I really felt bad for you, I could tell you were in such horrible agony. Even though I felt sympathy for you I was also comforted to know I wasn't alone. I thought to myself, maybe I could tell you; "it's gonna be alright, everything will work out. You'll see!".

[casey.lives]

This isn't about commitment issues. This person fears RESPONSIBILITY. I can't imagine he had commitment issue because you spent 3 years together and are obviously great together.. and he comes back every time so... A commitment phobe doesn't come back.

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spelling ~T

[unsaved]

Thanks Gus and Jemay......Yes, I'm hurting so bad. Just taking 1 day at a time. I cannot wait for the day when I don't search for these answers anymore because I just don't care or I'm focused on a new life. And I can't wait for the day when he fades away. I hate that I put him on a pedestal. HATE IT. I know he has so many stupid qualities and did a lot of jerk off things that I want to hate. But I just can't make myself. This all just goes away with time, right? I sure hope so.

 

Quattrob,

 

Can I ask you about what you meant when you've said you understand how he felt and have done that before? He was literally touch feely the whole 3 years we were together (the first 2, more behind closed doors obviously). And he said ILY when we first met AND 6 months after we had gotten together "for real." I would NEVER SAY THAT to anyone unless I actually wanted to. It's a no brainer. Even if I was really "trying" to be with someone. I even had a case in the past when I dated a guy who I was in a similar situation with where he really liked me and I WANTED to like him, but I just couldn't make myself. I could NOT fake it. Even lovey dovey hand-holding stuff. It is so hard to fake that without being obvious. Plus, it just repulsed me to be that way with him because I knew I didn't feel it. So, it kills me that he was able to fake it. I'm hoping you have a different perspective on this one because I'm sure i'm missing something. Thanks for your help so much.

 

Unsaved

[unsaved]

Casey lives! Can you please elaborate?? How do you know this? Why would someone be like this or turn into someone like this? Thank you so much for responding!!

 

Unsaved

[unsaved]

Casey, i have some other interesting comments for you regarding what you just said, but I'm first curious what about this story or how he is acting clues that in for you. So, again, any info would be awesome if you have it. Thank you so much.

[quattrob]

Thanks Gus and Jemay......Yes, I'm hurting so bad. Just taking 1 day at a time. I cannot wait for the day when I don't search for these answers anymore because I just don't care or I'm focused on a new life. And I can't wait for the day when he fades away. I hate that I put him on a pedestal. HATE IT. I know he has so many stupid qualities and did a lot of jerk off things that I want to hate. But I just can't make myself. This all just goes away with time, right? I sure hope so.

 

Quattrob,

 

Can I ask you about what you meant when you've said you understand how he felt and have done that before? He was literally touch feely the whole 3 years we were together (the first 2, more behind closed doors obviously). And he said ILY when we first met AND 6 months after we had gotten together "for real." I would NEVER SAY THAT to anyone unless I actually wanted to. It's a no brainer. Even if I was really "trying" to be with someone. I even had a case in the past when I dated a guy who I was in a similar situation with where he really liked me and I WANTED to like him, but I just couldn't make myself. I could NOT fake it. Even lovey dovey hand-holding stuff. It is so hard to fake that without being obvious. Plus, it just repulsed me to be that way with him because I knew I didn't feel it. So, it kills me that he was able to fake it. I'm hoping you have a different perspective on this one because I'm sure i'm missing something. Thanks for your help so much.

 

Unsaved

 

You would be surprised that there ARE people out there that can say things like ILY and make it seem so real because they want something so bad.. They want to be with someone so bad that they convinced themselves that they love them and go as far as lying to themselves hoping that they can develop those emotions for REAL overtime. I know for you it is hard to believe and cant imagine it but it is true, i was guilty of this because I wanted to be with someone so bad, it's pathetic and selfish in a way. It may sound contradictory because why would I want to be with someone so bad? There are lots of reasons but those reasons are for the wrong reasons.

 

I am not saying that is exactly how it is when it comes to your ex because i am not him. But I can say his choices and mindset is similar to my oldself which i described to you.

 

I have learned from my mistake and never will i say things i dont feel or mean. I hope you will recover from this soon as you deserve much better.

[unsaved]

You'll never believe this: Today, I was at the lake with my friends (11 days NC, trying to move on). As I was driving home, I saw a missed phone call from the ex's roommate. I sent roommate a text back asking if the call was a mistake. The roommate says: "'ex is in the hospital. I didn't know who else to call." That was it. Of course, I have to call him back and see what is going on. My stomach dropped.

 

Roommate says ex was on his way to the airport with a coworker and coworker had to take him to the hospital because of his appendix or something being in pain. Roommate said he didn't know who else to call so called me to see if I knew his parents or family contacts. I asked roommate if he knew that he broke up with me. He said yes. I told him i'd contact his mom and bro, which I did. His mom messaged me back saying she already knew he was in the hospital because my ex called her. WHY did the roommate call me? All of my ex's family's contacts are in my ex's phone. He already called his family. He wash't dying. I didn't even need to be contacted at all about this!

 

Of course, at this point, I felt a need to message my ex to see what was going on. Stupid, I know, but I still care. All I said was, "Your roommate messaged me and said you were in the hospital and to contact your family. I told your mom and brother. I hope everything is ok and please let me know if there's something I can do." He wrote me back and told me how he was having extreme pains that he thought was a pulled muscle but eventually got worse. Turned out to be kidney stones and he was feeling much better after being in the hospital. He then said thanks for the message. I told him I was glad he was ok and it wasn't something more serious. He wrote back that he agreed.

 

And that was it.

 

I KNOW what I need to do. I go back to NC now....But seriously? I broke contact. It probably wasn't necessary but I felt I should contact him since I knew something was wrong with him. I'm not heartless! There is still care there! Now I sit here wondering how he's doing. His brother messaged me back after everything to say that he was sorry we broke up. It was sweet but made me feel sad too. I just didn't want to deal with any of this today. I was having a good day. UGH. It's a minor setback too because the ex obviously didn't act like he cared very much that i contacted him. It made me sad that he seriously doesn't care. God, I just want away from all of this.

 

I hope I get back on track.

[anna121]

OP - I'm sorry. It sucks. It always sucks.

 

Two suggestions:

 

1. Trying to figure out his motivations will drive you insane. I know it's very difficult, but his reasons are irrelevant to you now. The relationship is over. Please stop focussing on them.

 

2. Next time you get a call from someone else about him, I suggest that you ignore it. I know this will sound harsh, but it's true - nothing good can come of you interacting with him, EVEN IF he was (God forbid) deathly ill. You two are not together, and you are not friends. If he calls you, ignore it too. I might text his roommate to please not contact you again. You're too vulnerable too him, and maybe you always will be. He had two chances with you. He really shouldn't get a third, in ANY capacity.

 

Sending you strength! It WILL get better.

[anna121]

Correction: just read original post again, and he had MULTIPLE chances with you. Not just two.

[Itspointless]

I am trained as a therapist

Sorry this happened to all of you.

 

I am just going to say the obvious for you as a trained therapist, he sounds some kind of flavour of avoidant attached: coming on strong, wanting to be with you, pushing you away, wanting to be alone, saying things they probably do not mean as a defence like that he never loved you, etc.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[unsaved]

Thanks Anna,

 

The original post and replies about wanting to know what he is thinking and why we broke up were from a few days ago. It's funny how a few days can make me think slightly different. My brain was crazy then. Going all over the place and I just WANTED TO KNOW. I know that it's futile to try to understand what he's thinking. Everyone is right. The point is, he no longer wants to be with me. And he's let me go several times in our past. So, this time I know it's over and that reasons don't matter anymore. The point is, he doesn't want it or me. He was happy with me and found me to be a good companion. But that just wasn't enough. I don't want to be with someone who is unsure about being with me or wishy washy or I'm not enough. He'll just end up leaving me for someone later who he IS sure of. This is what I keep trying to pound into my brain over and over. I cannot wait until it sticks. I CANNOT WAIT. Until then, I'm very sad and will still miss the person. But, yes. I know I need to stop asking why. I might still do it, but i'll try to push those thoughts out of my head.

 

 

As for the contact, looking back I wish I hadn't responded to his roommate. I honestly thought his roommate was just trying to reach out to me to say he was sorry we broke up, which i'm ok with. I'm friends with his roommate and plan to continue to stay friendly with him so a text or call from didn't initially alarm me or indicate to me that it was something ABOUT my ex currently. I don't have issues with staying friends with mutual people. I think this was just an unfortunate circumstance what happened today and his roommate was being an idiot to contact me. I NOW know that maybe I should not talk to his roommate or people who are still in contact with him for awhile until I am in a much better place. I didn't think it would be an issue. But I guess it is.

 

Thanks again.

 

Just hope I get out of this rut of thinking about him again. I'm watching bad TV but it's not working.

[unsaved]

Wow itspointless,

 

My ex has many characteristics of having an avoidant attachment. It's crazy. I think this explains a lot of how he used to act with me. (PLEASE FORGIVE THE FOLLOWING. NO ONE HAS TO READ IT. BUT IT IS HELPING ME PROCESS!)

 

He had an extremely strange childhood where his parents remained married (and still are to this day), but hated each other the entire time and were both very self-involved. In fact, they still hate each other and his mom has since moved away to another state to live with his brother. I don't think his parents showed him or his siblings much love or support growing up (or not enough as parents should) and I believe he had to rely on himself to get by emotionally. In fact, out of his siblings (5 children total), he is the only one who did not get heavily involved with addiction or involved with legal issues because of drugs and alcohol. Although, he did admit he had been an alcoholic in his 20's and early 30's during rough times with his wife and he does still smoke pot. I've never seen his alcoholism while i've been in his life. He does still smoke pot but it wasn't daily. Really only when he was around certain people or on a random night when he didn't work the next day.

 

I wish you all knew him so you could tell me how dumb it is to want to be with him. He's VERY independent. As I stated, he often wanted to be by himself instead of hang out with me, was constantly busy with too many activities to keep his distance, and probably viewed me as being clingy, even though I was VERY tolerant of him doing his own thing and I thought i was pretty normal in how much I wanted to see him. Another thing about him: It's his way or the highway. You cannot tell him he's wrong. You cannot tell him anything that goes against what he thinks. He has a slight ego that EVERYONE knew about and didnt like about him. Also, he has VERY few actual "close" friends and even those friends don't spend much time with him at all or talk much with him about personal issues. In fact, he told me there was only one female friend in his life who he confides in about his personal issues. His other "close" friends are off married or involved in their own lives and I never met any of them while we were together and he never reached out to them to hang out while we were together. His other 'friends' who I considered more surface-level that he had are coworkers, sports' teammates, or his roommate who are several years younger than him. Again, these were friends that he would hang out with at a bar/house or play sports with or smoke pot with. Nothing deeper.

 

Contradicted to everything we've been saying, he is actually EXTREMELY out going. He works as a salesman and is VERY good at talking with people and schmoozing and making people laugh and smile. He was very good at that with me too. He works in retail and is around people all day long. But, like I said, he's able to have these surface-level relationships with many people but has very few close friends who he hangs out with regularly and confides in and is close to. I was the only one. He was able to tell me MANY personal things. Things he told me about his wife and past that he said he had never told anyone else. It hurts that now he is able to just let go and not care after being so close. I know it's for the best. but still. It hurts.

 

Anyway, I know I was supposed to stop thinking about the why. BUT, I also think it's just A PART OF THE PROCESS of getting over someone. The more time passes, the more I understand the simplicity. It's just over. There were lots of reasons why (some of which I am starting to understand.) But still over.

 

Also, me listing all this stuff out is HELPING ME. Right now, i'm in this stage where I'm sifting through all the little things that bothered me. The stuff mentioned above bothered me a lot. He smoked pot with these surface-level "friends" and acted like he was still a kid. I've never even told you love-snackers our ages. He is about to turn 37 years old and I am 32. He's on the closer end of 40 and he hangs out with kids in their 20's and smokes pot with them. I could go on and on.

 

ANYWAY, Thanks for listening (or not). Anyone else in a similar spot?

[aloneinaz]

Unsaved- I know you're working through your emotions of this break up but ask yourself if doing this is healthy? You can't practice out of sight, out of mind if you're constantly posting thoughts about him and rehashing his behaviors. It's going to hold you back from moving forward to someone who WANTS to be "all in" with you in a loving, healthy relationship.

 

 

As far as returning his room mates text? I'd of ignored it as well. As it was already mentioned, you're not his GF, friend, buddy nor anything else. You're the ex that wants to move on.. I lost my Mother a few months after my ex and I broke up. I didn't even think to let my ex know. She was a stranger to me and I KNEW having any contact w/her would only hold me back.

 

 

I've said it before.. The hardest part for me in having gone thru several LTR's over the past couple of decades has been transitioning from a person being the most important part of my life that I shared everything with to someone who's now a stranger to me.. It's simply odd but necessary.

 

 

You need to make a decision. If you want to move on, stop ruminating over this failed relationship. Keep yourself busy doing other things and the more time that passes, the better you'll feel. You may even feel like casually dating again in the near future.

[Itspointless]

My ex has many characteristics of having an avoidant attachment. It's crazy.

 

Anyway, I know I was supposed to stop thinking about the why. BUT, I also think it's just A PART OF THE PROCESS of getting over someone. The more time passes, the more I understand the simplicity. It's just over. There were lots of reasons why (some of which I am starting to understand.) But still over.

My ex of a view months was like this. She knew many people, but most people did not really know a thing about her. She was as I learned very good in playing untouchable and independent. Even when she got ill, it was supposed to be a secret. She pushed me away. She told me her situation once and after that she did not want to discus it any more: she only wanted to focus on solutions. She was extremely rational.

 

People can get stuck while thinking it over and over and over. For me it also is important to understand. I do not just have that with love, I have that with everything I see around me: I want to understand people always have.

 

unsaved it is good to write it down and get it out of your system. A forum like this can be very helpful for that, especially when the people around you are already tired of the story.

[unsaved]

Aloneinaz,

 

I really appreciate your feedback. Thanks for helping me out. Although, I must say I don't quite agree with your assessment. I am one of those people who thinks about breakups in my head over and over. I analyze everything. It's just in my nature. I don't sit and cry like some and wallow and act depressed(well in the beginning, yes). But,I just obsess over everything. Sometimes in a very unemotional and objective light! It's so strange. HOWEVER, I am able to stop it and do other things. I play soccer recreationally 2 nights a week.(2 games today). I coach soccer 2 nights a week and on weekends (1 game today). I work 40 hours a week and am on rotation. I am SO BUSY for the average person and do great at distracting myself with those activities. I went over to my friends house and hung out today. I went to the lake yesterday. I do PLENTY of things to keep myself busy and where I am not talking about him or ruminating. I really have learned my ways to cope.

 

Also, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been in SEVERAL LTR's over the past years and have had to deal with the breakups every time. This isn't even my first time on LoveShack as a poster, sadly! I've been through it all. I'll never say i'm an expert, because no one is. But I"m an expert on myself, FOR SURE. Some of my ways may be unconventional, but they work for me!

 

Me ruminating over the guy is just the way I deal. I cannot help it. Especially in the first few weeks. You can tell me I'm being unhealthy. You can tell me whatever. But it just IS. I am able to stop it. But then there are times when I HAVE to talk it out with myself, whether it be through this forum, with a trusted friend, or alone in my head. MULTIPLE times. If I don't, it sits up there and I start to get EMOTIONAL and miss him and feel like I need to just contact him and spiral downward. When I write about all my thoughts over and over, I continue to process. Many times, I bring up new and different things that bothered me or I had issues with. Once I think about those things, they eventually pass and my brain puts them into this "processed" category where it doesn't hurt me anymore. Sometimes I'll think or write or talk about it and it doesn't get processed. Then I have to talk or think or write about it again! It's hard, but it's what I do. Eventually it gets to that point where the topic is dead.

 

The topic that a previous poster brought up about my ex's personality brought up some interesting things i never thought about with my ex that I think were negatives that I'm glad I"m realizing. It also brought me some more insight that this wasn't necessarily my fault. This is just the way it is. If I didn't think or write this all out, I would be stuck. I definitely see your point about continuing to do this. It seems awful to some, I'm sure. But I will Naturally stop having things to think about the more I process it. Eventually, my brain stops. Because I'll be done with it. I'll have resolved the stuff in my head. And, I'll meet other people too just naturally as well. I always do.

 

Anyway, Just thought I'd throw that out there. Thanks for your help. I seriously really do appreciate the viewpoint and know what you're saying as well.