Zzyxx Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 So I was dating this girl for about 4.5 months that has started fading, I want to say, the last 3 weeks. I can figure out her reasons for doing it so it's not the why's that really bug me, I just hate that behavior in general and she knows it. We've always been really open and super upfront with each other in every other respect, but when I first sensed the fade I made it very clear that if she really cared or respected me she should just be clear about ending things. It seems she always had a good excuse about why she supposedly wasn't fading, so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but lately the signs have been much more clear. -She no longer seems to be as physically attracted to me. We'll still kiss goodbye and stuff sometimes but she doesn't seem into it and pulls away first. -She doesn't stay out as late with me anymore or stay over anymore -her texts aren't as flirty or nice So I work out of town twice a month, and we usually regularly text during this time. This time I'd be gone for 8 days and before I left she was all like "yeah I'll amuse you and text you and stuff" Well since last Sunday I was initiating every conversation and she seemed annoyed and like she didn't want to talk to me during all of them. Three days ago I responded to something she said (and to be fair it didn't prompt any further conversation) but I haven't heard from her since. Normally I wouldn't think this meant anything, but with all her other behavior taken into account, I think it's kind of obvious. Then last night after not speaking to me for two days, she liked a status on my facebook, but that was it. We were supposed to hang out on Saturday when I got back, but seeing as she's dropped off the face of the earth for the last 3 days I'm 90% sure if I don't contact her she probably won't contact me about it. The thing is we have mutual friends and play on the same sports team, so it is gauranteed I WILL see her again. I'm really tempted just to send her a text tomorrow night or Saturday afternoon and say something like: "Testing 1,2" then if she responds say something like: " Just checking to see if this really was the slow fade. Now that it's confirmed please go about your regular business." I know it's kind of passive agressive or whatever, but I think it's equally jerky to act this way and given that I'll have to see her anyway a part of me is just like, "well why not call her out on it?" though rationally I know it's probably classier to also just stay NC. Any wise words appreciated.
Maleficent Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Yeah the fade away is a jerk move. Call her out on it if it makes you feel better but we all know what this is: a very last attempt at seeing if mayyyyyybeeee she is interested (but she's not) 1
Pod81 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 The ex that originally brought me to LS also pulled the phase out move. Below is a very helpful short video on the phase out process and what you can do. I just wish I had seen this during my last break-up!
Author Zzyxx Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Yeah the fade away is a jerk move. Call her out on it if it makes you feel better but we all know what this is: a very last attempt at seeing if mayyyyyybeeee she is interested (but she's not) Very true. Logically I know she's not anymore, I think I'm just thrown off by the fact she's pulling this even though she knows we'll still run into each other. Bold move which I guess I wanted to counter by confronting her even though it wouldn't really change anything.
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I am the kind of person that always calls out someone's behavior. I don't do it in a rude way of course, but I can't stand the elephant in the room. I need to talk about it and clear the air. Personally, I would just call her on it. It's better to get it out and said, and dealt with. She hasn't enough respect for you to just be honest and say she's not feeling it anymore, or whatever her reasons are.. In turn you shouldn't let her get away with the slow fade because it's easier for her then honesty. All the more because you will in fact see each other again. Doing this will avoid the awkwardness of that situation if it isn't dealt with. 1
autumnnight Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 In the olden days, we called this: I don't like you anymore and I'm too scardy-cat to say so to your face. Because pitching a fit rarely made people fall back in love with us, the adult thing to do back then was to just internally say, "Next, your loss," and move on without dramatic theatrics and victim speeches. 2
deathandtaxes Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 This relationship is done. You say you're still dating? If so, this has definitely passed its expiration date. The conversation you should have, instead of calling her out, is tell her this isn't working and wish her good luck.
xcupid Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 So I was dating this girl for about 4.5 months that has started fading, I want to say, the last 3 weeks. I can figure out her reasons for doing it so it's not the why's that really bug me, I just hate that behavior in general and she knows it. We've always been really open and super upfront with each other in every other respect, but when I first sensed the fade I made it very clear that if she really cared or respected me she should just be clear about ending things. It seems she always had a good excuse about why she supposedly wasn't fading, so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but lately the signs have been much more clear. -She no longer seems to be as physically attracted to me. We'll still kiss goodbye and stuff sometimes but she doesn't seem into it and pulls away first. -She doesn't stay out as late with me anymore or stay over anymore -her texts aren't as flirty or nice So I work out of town twice a month, and we usually regularly text during this time. This time I'd be gone for 8 days and before I left she was all like "yeah I'll amuse you and text you and stuff" Well since last Sunday I was initiating every conversation and she seemed annoyed and like she didn't want to talk to me during all of them. Three days ago I responded to something she said (and to be fair it didn't prompt any further conversation) but I haven't heard from her since. Normally I wouldn't think this meant anything, but with all her other behavior taken into account, I think it's kind of obvious. Then last night after not speaking to me for two days, she liked a status on my facebook, but that was it. We were supposed to hang out on Saturday when I got back, but seeing as she's dropped off the face of the earth for the last 3 days I'm 90% sure if I don't contact her she probably won't contact me about it. The thing is we have mutual friends and play on the same sports team, so it is gauranteed I WILL see her again. I'm really tempted just to send her a text tomorrow night or Saturday afternoon and say something like: "Testing 1,2" then if she responds say something like: " Just checking to see if this really was the slow fade. Now that it's confirmed please go about your regular business." I know it's kind of passive agressive or whatever, but I think it's equally jerky to act this way and given that I'll have to see her anyway a part of me is just like, "well why not call her out on it?" though rationally I know it's probably classier to also just stay NC. Any wise words appreciated. I wouldn't send her that text. Better to just talk to her and see if she wants to end things. That will give you closure if she does. 1
RoseVille Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Don't respond to jerk behavior by being a jerk. Take the high road. Just outright ask her if she's into this anymore, as you're sensing she's not, and you're losing interest in doing all the work to keep the relationship going. She'll say yes, you'll say thanks for your honesty, you'll wish each other well, and you'll move on. 2
TB Rhine Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I generally don't think much good comes out of "confronting" people. I usually end up regretting it moments after the words are out of my mouth. And, especially considering that you know you're going to see this person again... it's best to end things, if end they must, on as amicable a footing as possible. Taking her to task for her behavior is not going to accomplish that. 1
kendahke Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Just move on and stop trying to figure out how to stick it to her. Yeah, she should have said something, but she didn't. Move on. Confronting her only demonstrates how twisted up you are by her--and do you really want her to know that you're that butt hurt over her fading? Just stop talking to her. You used to didn't know her, you know?
umirano Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Yep, I agree with the last post. Don't gratify her rudeness with an effort / butt-hurtness on your part
oberkeat Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I wouldn't send her that text. Better to just talk to her and see if she wants to end things. That will give you closure if she does. Don't respond to jerk behavior by being a jerk. Take the high road. Just outright ask her if she's into this anymore, as you're sensing she's not, and you're losing interest in doing all the work to keep the relationship going. She'll say yes, you'll say thanks for your honesty, you'll wish each other well, and you'll move on. I agree. "Calling her out" with that text would make you look immature, desperate and not in control of your emotions. Ultimatums and confrontations don't really work when it comes to this type of thing. She's unlikely to respond well to that.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I am the kind of person that always calls out someone's behavior. I don't do it in a rude way of course, but I can't stand the elephant in the room. I need to talk about it and clear the air. Personally, I would just call her on it. It's better to get it out and said, and dealt with. She hasn't enough respect for you to just be honest and say she's not feeling it anymore, or whatever her reasons are.. In turn you shouldn't let her get away with the slow fade because it's easier for her then honesty. All the more because you will in fact see each other again. Doing this will avoid the awkwardness of that situation if it isn't dealt with. THIS! I'm also a stickler for closure whenever possible and particularly if I'm supposedly dating someone regardless if it's exclusive or not. Four and half months is a decent amount of time to be with someone. Add to this the mutual friends and the inevitably you'll be bumping into each other on a fairly regular basis and...well...she's just plain rude. Personally, I would encourage you NOT to send the text but rather confront her in person. It has a lot more impact in my opinion. Texting is too easy of an out and as already mentioned, why make it easy on her? I would also caution you NOT to sink to the lowest level by slinging mud at her but rather let her know that you don't appreciate the way she's been behaving and wish her the best. Then MOVE ON. OP, the bottom line is take control of the situation! It's clear she's not making you a priority nor is she honoring your pact about being honest at whatever cost. Rather than sit around like a dead duck waiting for confirmation from HER that it's over, why not grow a pair of balls and end things YOURSELF? Good luck. 1
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