hold on or let go?

[seasickpeeve]

I was with my bf for four years. It was always a very turbulent relationship with us getting on great for periods of time, then something small happening that would become a big blow up. But we always stuck it out and returned to being a loved up couple. We came to a point where we settled and our problems became less and less. He talked about us moving in together, I was reluctant until I was sure we had settled more but we talked about our future and I felt sure it was going to be us forever.

 

For the first two/ three years he was perfect and pretty dedicated, I was the cautious one. Then it seemed he started to become less involved, wanting more time to himself at a time I thought we should be coming more together. I became the dedicated one. He started to start arguments and get angry when before he was always patient. He started to say things like I wasn't the one, and he had doubts and he didn't love me enough but then apologise the next day and say he was just angry. The more he did this, the more he pulled away, the more insecure and controlling and just crazy I got. I became really needy but at the same time unloving and closed off as all the things he had said in arguments were always at the back of my mind. We spent our last year like this. He kept saying he wanted to leave but would stay, causing me to feel miserable and pathetic.

 

After our last argument we finally talked and he said he had been acting so badly because he loved us but couldn't take the arguments any more. He said his life outside us was a mess and it was affecting us. I said the arguments were happening from my side because of the hurtful things he had said had made me feel he was always leaving which left me in an insecure crazy state.

 

We agreed we wanted each other still, that we needed to work at stopping the arguments and aim to let go of our past problems and focus on loving each other. We agreed to enjoy our summer together and talk again in a few months time.

 

I got myself into a much calmer place and felt much better. He seemed intent on causing arguments and there was always anger under the surface. I noticed him spending more time alone, getting in touch with old friends and drinking more. He put his efforts outside of us. He said he wasn't happy in his life but it wasn't me.....he was just taking it out on me. He cried and apologised for this which I accepted and said I will be patient whilst he sorts his life out.

 

A day after this he called me to say he didn't want to see me again, he has no feelings left for me, he just wants to be single, he wants to sort his life out on his own and he is 100% done with the relationship. He sounded angry.

 

I was shocked as I thought we were doing much better and he had apologised for his behaviour and told me it wasn't my fault. I said he loved me the day before finishing it.

 

I called him and text him for two days straight after trying my best to save it. He was calm, said very little, only that he was sure he was making the right decision and to leave him alone. I was a crying, begging mess.

 

I haven't contacted him for two days and don't plan on contacting him again for a long time.

 

I am confused by his switch from 'it's not you making me unhappy, it's the rest of my life' to 'the reason i'm unhappy is because i don't want to be with you' in the space of a day. It's more likely he's been thinking this for a long time and that caused him to cause all those arguments and say all those mean things.

 

I love him completely and feel so shocked it is over.

 

His life is hard at the moment and I feel he has ended this as an easy way out. Like a way to stop hurting someone and causing himself more problems. There are two things he has said which has left me confused - 'I don't feel anything for us anymore. I don't want us' yet he said 'I still love and care for you.'

 

The last message I sent was that I think we need a break, not a break up because we still love each other but need to sort ourselves out separately. I believe this completely.

 

He replied that I should let go and not have any hope, but that fate may find away.

 

This has left me so stuck and confused. He doesn't want it now but I feel I can't let it go because I think there is hope he will in future. Maybe I'm being delusional? Or maybe I sense his doing the right thing for us rather than what he truly wants.

 

When/how/if ever should I speak to him again?

[keebee]

Letting go and going NC is the way to go in this situation. It sounds like he doesn't even know what he wants, so you have zero chance of figuring it out.

 

Plus, even if you did figure it out, do you want to convince him to come back to you? Any relationship that starts that way (and it would be a new relationship after the split) is going to make you feel anxious and like you're waiting for him to bolt again. That's no way to live.

 

Going NC gives him the space he needs to figure out what is going on in his head, but more importantly it gives you time to heal. You deserve someone who isn't going to jerk you around and who you don't have to chase. A long relationship like yours is hard to recover from because you put so much of yourself and your identity into it. If you aren't contacting him, you can take care of yourself.

 

I know he said maybe fate will find a way someday, but that's not something to hold onto. Go on with your life as if he is never coming back--holding out hope for a reconciliation that may never happen is very painful and can delay healing.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Loving someone wholly and losing them is so painful. But you're not alone here--everyone has been so helpful with me. You can always post here and get encouragement and see how other people have healed from similar situations.

 

Kate

[seasickpeeve]

thanks for your kind reply. Logically I agree I should leave it alone for at least a very long time.

 

I have been anxiously holding on for over a year whilst he has been leaving and coming back. He said many many things which should never be said in a relationship but I would chase and he would apologise and put it down to anger.

 

I feel so angry, humiliated and hurt that he probably hasn't wanted the relationship for a long time but he let me keep fighting for it because he would say the odd bit of encouragement.

 

I'm having to work really hard at not sending a very angry message because I'm humiliated that the last he heard from me I was a begging mess! I want to show him what he has done but I know it would be pointless and only show him he was right to leave.

 

Whilst I was clinging on, he was obviously fixing his life up ready to be single. He picked up old friends, got in touch with an ex, started drinking and smoking weed and going out more. He applied for uni and new jobs. So he has got a new life to walk into with no regrets where as I have to build mine up from scratch whilst getting over him. It seems so unfair and hard.

 

Whilst I can see all this, I can't shake the voice that keeps telling me 'one last fight for him' and I'm spending every waking minute thinking about when/how I should be in touch.

[keebee]

Stay strong--an angry message or fighting for him one more time will only make you feel worse. He *knows* how he's hurt you and screwed you over. The way he has treated you is proof that he doesn't care how you feel, whether that's sad or angry. As far as fighting for him, you know that if you get back on that train you'll never get off. You deserve a relationship that is stable and that doesn't involve you getting talked to badly, having to constantly pursue your BF, or doubting yourself.

 

You said you feel angry. Use that emotion to create a great new life for YOU, just like he did before the BU. I'm still in the early stages of a breakup (although my relationship was not nearly as long as yours, my X was just a douche), and I've found it helpful to go to MeetUps, get out of the house with friends/family whenever I can, and have a few friends that I can text whenever I feel the urge to contact X. They talk me out of it and I get through the need to contact him.