Billy Ocean Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 WE’re both in our late 20’s. My gf and I have been together for slightly more than 5yr now, for the 1st 3 yrs we managed to maintain a long distance relationship (it wasn’t easy but we made it work) During that time n the 2 yrs after (we were both in the same country) that both of us have been faithful to one another. During the past year or so, we’ve had problems; she’s been busy with her work n spending less time with me (appears she’s more concerned about her work than me), not only that she’s been depressed for sometime as well, I thought we would work it out n I could help her over come her depression. For the past month or so we haven’t spend much time together at all, she’s busy with work n I get the vibe she doesn’t like me disturbing her, all this time she’s been trying to hide the fact from me that her depression ordeal is getting worse n is seeking some professional help. Fast forward to yesterday, she told me that she wants to push me away so that I wouldn’t be hurt or disappointed in her. Obviously I told her that no matter what problems we both face, we gotta face it together but she was pretty set on us being apart but still remain friends. I also told her that the pain of not being there for her as her significant other is worse than her hurting or disappointing me. Basically it means we’re there for each other (meaning we love each other) in mind n spirit but not in body, u can’t imagine how confused n devastated I was upon hearing that. She wants me to be her friend and hang out with her (meaning no kissing or holding hands with each other). Being platonic after years of public displays of affection for each other. Then I asked her when she gets better, would she still want me? Then she replied yes. In response I told her that I would wait for her until she gets better n feels that we can be together again in mind body n spirit. Then she said “even if it takes a year or two?” I replied “I will wait for you as long as it takes” then we both embraced each other n cried i know that she still loves me and she's fully aware how much i love her, but why must she do this? So now I’m confused as hell. Been sad n depressed the whole day now, crying is all I can do n even that doesn’t ease the pain I feel inside (I’m a guy by the way listening to BILLY OCEAN – LOVE IS FOREVER now) Has anyone experienced this situation b4 before? (where their significant other is suffering from mild to severe depression) Any recommendations would be a help? Did I do that right thing?
st8toftheheart Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Has she already seeked professional help for her depression? Did her therpist reccomend or endorse this break up of sorts? Something other than you has got her down to the point where there's nothing you can do to help. So now she is running away from you thinking its best. Life will eventually catch up to her and she will find that distancing herself didn't help, then what? I mean, considering her state, is she truly capabale of making a decision like breaking up? Just make sure she follows through with that professional help. Again its her choice, and its good that you're the there to support her, but at the same time you need to set your boundaries as well. Saying as long as it takes is a nice sentiment now, but a year down the road with no progress etc, what are you prepared to do? I'm not saying bolt, but at the same time don't leave yourself wide open for disapointment.
flsgirl Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. Everyone that is in this forum has felt the kind of pain you're going through. I hope you realize that you can't truly love someone or have a healthy relationship with someone until you love yourself. Is there a specific reason for her depression? It sounds a little fishy that she's spending all of her time at work. If she's depressed, she needs to seek therapy. I highly recommend it. She needs to find out where her issues are stemming from and make changes to help herself. As for you, I understand that you want to be there and support her through this rough period, but there is no way that you guys can just be friends. You're going to be in absolute agony. I think it would be best to distance yourself from her a bit and give her some space to work out her issues. Of course let her know that you'll be there if she needs you, but don't be her crutch. Try to keep busy and focus on yourself. Don't just think that you'll get back together. You can't just stop living your life because you're waiting for her to come back to you. Expect the worst but hope for the best. Goodluck
laRubiaBonita Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 you need to just let her wallow or get up out of her depression alone......hopefully with the help of therapy...not with you. I think she is making it clear that for what ever reason it may be, she does not want you there right now. maybe she does not like you to see her like this, so vulnerable and weak-seeming. She could think that you are already disappointed in her or at least. i need to know: how do you know she is depressed? when did it start? any ideas why?
Author Billy Ocean Posted May 5, 2005 Author Posted May 5, 2005 To st8toftheheart She tells me she’s seeing a counselor (her father’s friend, a female head-shrink I think) for treating her depression for several months now, I discovered it like 2months ago, when I did a little detective work) I’m not sure how much input her counselor has in making up her decision for the break. Well she’s just not happy with her life anymore (from work, her parents (trying to set her up with numerous other guys for marriage), how she’s “failing” (that’s the word she used) as my gf. so she thinks that she’s doing me a favor by not pulling me into her depression phase. I kept asking her is that wat she truly wanted? To push me away thinking I wouldn’t care for her. I told her I can’t just switch off my feelings for her just like that. I told her I love her no matter wat, I’m willing to wait for her to get better for as long as it takes (I’m fully aware it could take more that a year with no progress in her condition but sometimes u gotta have faith that things will work out in the end. I’m praying hard that everything will be ok. It really hurts when someone ur willing to devote ur life to is pushing u away. To flsgirl Yeah being friends with her now is going to make me suffer as I still see her as my significant other. I plan to give her space n hopefully she will remember the good times we had , basically miss me n want to be with me again. She’s at work most of the time cause she works in the retail industry meaning long hours, she barely has time to do the things she likes. I’m sure there’s nothing more to that n no other guys are involved. I’ll be there when she needs me. In the meantime I’ll try n keep myself busy. To laRubiaBonita Ur right, i need to let her fight this depression alone, that’s the only way I guess she can overcome it. Now that I think about it, maybe I am in the way of her overcoming it, cause she has to think about me n fight this depression at the same time. When a loved one says that they don’t want u there to help them, how does one respond to that? She told me she doesn’t like me to see her like that, she thinks I’m disappointed in her cause I told her that she can overcome this depression n it’s all in her head but she keeps saying she can’t do it. Well she told me she was depressed a few months back, there were some signs but I just thought it was caused by stress at work. It started getting worse when she started her retail job with the long hours n she’s thinking of quitting the job which I think is a good idea as she got more time to relax n do the things she wants to do. The depression I think is a combination of many things, her work, me, her parents, not being happy with her life. Thanks for all ur recommendations n keep them coming! I need all the help I can get to cope with the situation.
st8toftheheart Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by Billy Ocean It really hurts when someone ur willing to devote ur life to is pushing u away. I here ya bro. Its like watching someone you know drowning, and not being able to swim. Its admirable that you're supporting her through this. So all you can hope at some point she will see that in order for her to get better, she will need to keep the positive things in here life close to her. Also, you need to start setting boundaries of what is too much. All the best to you.
Recommended Posts