Vicky876 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Hi there, I just need to speak my mind for a bit. I'm in a very complex situation, probably the hardest I've ever had in my life. I was dating this guy for about three months. We met through friends. It was 'casual', at least; starting off slow, but he send me handwritten postcards and took me out to dinner a couple of times and we danced to Edith Piaf (French chansons) and waking up together in the morninglight on classical symphonies. I absolutely loved it and was enchanted by it. When we were together, it was perfect, but apart, I could wait for days before I got a text from him. I wasn't pushy, hardly sending texts myself for I wanted him to initiate contact, but it made me insecure, not knowing where this whole dating thing was going. Everytime I left, I thought: this could just be the last time I see him. Anyway, it was clear that he had to sort things out for himself first. 1,5 week ago I was pretty much done with it, thinking: he is just not ready for a relationship and if he is, he's just not that into me. So there, erased his number to not get tempted to text him first. Just, for my own sake, being done with it. Until exactly a week ago: I discovered I'm pregnant - in an early stage -. Everything turned upside down from then. That evening I went to his place to tell him. We were both in shock. We had to make a very tough decision, considering all options, an abortion is sadly the best for both. He stated clearly he doesn't want it and to me it's so sudden and unexpected, the circumstances are far, far from ideal. Now he texts me on a nearly daily basis; how I'm doing, whether I'm ok. He said he'd try to come with me to the clinic. I'm very glad he's coping it so well and not running from it. He could have just left me alone with this, but he doesn't. There's no kissing now, just very intense hugs. I asked him if I could sleep beside him and that was ok. Do note that we really casually dated. We'd see eachother once or twice a week. Thing is that this situation made it from fun and 'let's see where this is going', to heavy and stressful. Not at all a good foundation for a relationship. He has a great many things on his mind which stresses him. He won't tell me all of it, but I see fear and worry in his eyes, holding his hands, telling him everything's gonna be ok. While actually, on this point in my life, which is the worst situation I've ever been in, I need him to tell me. Anyway, classic example of an emotionally unavailable man and a situation which is really too hard to handle alone. Should I break it off? If so, how? Should I shut the door completely? And should I let him come with me to the clinic? Reason 1 could be that we have the closure of this situation together, it's also his responsibility, so it would be the most respectful. On the other hand, there is the chance that he'd go with me, drops me off home afterwards and I'll never see him again. Which to me might me too much loss on one day. Somehow I'd love to just ghost out of this situation, pretending he never existed. Everyday I keep thinking: is this really my life? Is this actually happening to me? What kind of bad dream is this? If you have any advice or support, please, I would be very grateful. 1
kendahke Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I think that you should take a look at his expressed interest before you found out you were pregnant--he wasn't demonstrating behavior of someone who wanted something deeper with you. It may just be guilt that is driving his increase in contact right now, but I would not mistake that for it meaning that it's the beginning of a future between you two. You may be right--once he accompanies you to the clinic, he may drop you off and never see you again. I think that since he offered to go with you, he should go with you. However, you should make a back up plan should he decide to ghost on you before that date arrives. That's not out of the realm of possibilities. From what you've written above, it doesn't sound like he's emotionally capable of anything heavier that "fun". Now is the time to gather your most supportive friends around you. You're going to need them in the foreseeable future. 5
Author Vicky876 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Thank you so much, Kendahke. I really think he's withdrawing already. I don't get the emotional support I so very desire at this moment; he can't offer it. I even doubt whether he cares genuinely or, as you said, out of guilt. I honestly don't even feel safe showing what truly goes around in my mind at this point. How difficult I find it keeping my head up and how scared I am for the operation. Thing is, if I go to the clinic, chances are I will be emotional and I need hugs and kisses and someone holding my hand, saying that everything will be allright. Someone who understands me. And basically; this guy doesn't exactly fit these requirements. Question is how to communicate it to him. Yes, he offered to go with me, but maybe he's just saying that out of decency rather than that he wants to be there for me.
maysj18 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) I think it'd be very understandable for you to sit down and tell him exactly what you told us. That this is a heavy, uncomfortable situation but that one you're both a part of and need to see through until the end. Unfortunately, all the weight really falls on your shoulders but a good man will choose to take some of it off you, no doubt. It sounds like he's trying, but I think it'd be unwise to count on him for any sort of emotional support and you'd be better off taking a girlfriend. The stress of having him there and seeing you so vulnerable could also make the situation worse. Just a thought. I'm sorry, OP. ::hugs:: Is it too late for the abortion pill? Edited July 23, 2015 by maysj18 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Vicky, I'm sorry you're going through this. Can you take a close girl friend or family member with you to the clinic? You're probably gonna need some support and from the sounds of it, his presence would actually make you feel worse, if you're craving comfort and second guessing everything he says. If you took a friend you could focus on getting this done and take care of yourself. I don't think his increased contact mean much, maybe just feels a bit guilty you're going through this, but if he wasn't into being your boyfriend before all of this, he sure isn't gonna change his mind just because you've been through this together. I say together, when really it has probably barely affected him compared to how it's going to be for you. So yeah, I'd say don't let him come to the clinic, just take someone who loves you. Better that way, you can start to detach. No point in dragging it on when it's going nowhere. I truly hope you have someone close who can go with you and hold your hand. I know I'd be there in a shot for any of my female friends. 2
bene Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Now he texts me on a nearly daily basis; how I'm doing, whether I'm ok. He said he'd try to come with me to the clinic. I'm very glad he's coping it so well and not running from it. He could have just left me alone with this, but he doesn't. There's no kissing now, just very intense hugs. I asked him if I could sleep beside him and that was ok. Do note that we really casually dated. We'd see eachother once or twice a week. Thing is that this situation made it from fun and 'let's see where this is going', to heavy and stressful. Not at all a good foundation for a relationship. First of all I'm sorry that you're going through all this. This is an awfully cynical thing to say but one explanation for this behavior could be that he wants to be sure you go through with the abortion. Again, I'm sorry but don't depend too much on him, rather find a friend or family member to support you. 3
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 First of all I'm sorry that you're going through all this. This is an awfully cynical thing to say but one explanation for this behavior could be that he wants to be sure you go through with the abortion. Again, I'm sorry but don't depend too much on him, rather find a friend or family member to support you. This was my first thought as well. He wasn't really into you to begin with and the relationship was over. He's only there because of the circumstance and I am guessing to make sure you don't keep this child. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it's not an easy thing to go through. I don't think you should look to him for emotional support. Do you have someone else that can be there with you? 2
Lansing Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I had the same gutt reaction as others. Seems like he is being nice to make sure you go through with the abortion... I am curious, did you have unprotected sex? Were you on birth control? Did you use condoms? I am deathly afraid of getting a girl pregnant and stories like this don't help... 1
Country_Girl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 This was my first thought as well. He wasn't really into you to begin with and the relationship was over. He's only there because of the circumstance and I am guessing to make sure you don't keep this child. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it's not an easy thing to go through. I don't think you should look to him for emotional support. Do you have someone else that can be there with you? I'm sorry Vicky, these 2 posters read my mind as well, I think he just wants to make sure you go through with it. That was my immediate thought, unfortunately. Like another poster asked, do you have a girlfriend that could go with you? I think a close female friend would be more understanding, and a better support system for you at this time. Last year I took my married friend to the abortion clinic, she did not want her husband there (he knew she was going)- she just was having a difficult pregnancy, she couldn't get out of bed for 2 months. I felt bad because I called her and kinda let her have it for not calling me back for 2 months, I felt so bad when she called me back telling me how ill she was, and she literally sounded like she was at deaths door when she called back. So I drove her there, she was very great-full that I understood and did not judge her. She was embarrassed about it and told everyone at work she had a miscarriage. People can be cruel, I don't blame her, it was her business and not theirs. I don't know where you live, but something I want to prep you for...when I took my friend to the clinic, there were a bunch of protesters outside yelling at us. Which really pissed me off because it's "planned parenthood", women go there for other things like: low income gynecology exams, birth control, ect. It hit my friend hard because these protesters chopped up doll pieces and hung them on the fence. She was a mess when she saw that, but she felt she was dying, and her doctor visits offered no help, they said she was exaggerating. Mind you she has a daughter and has been through childbirth before. She had a second child but he was born still born. Don't bring the guy with you, but bring somebody. Someone who can emotionally support you at this time. Please don't go alone. I'm sorry for what you are going through. 2
Author Vicky876 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Thank you all so incredibly much for your responses. It's such a lonely process, having to make the decision myself while feeling so much by hormones and fear of the whole operation thing. If things were different I'd raise this child with all my heart, but I'm certainly not capable now and really just really want my life back the way it was. I'm starting to think so too, that he's just definitely not emotionally involved in any way. I have great female friends supporting me, whether I'd have the abortion or not and they back me up very well. It gets me so upset and angry even, at him but more so at myself for making such a misjudgement. What a huge lesson this is. I nearly wished this whole darn situation would get some magical sparkle and turn into a romantic comedy, but nope, definitely not what's going to happen. I'm 28 years old, but even my parents said they'd go with me and insist I'm not going alone. I'm pregnant for 7 weeks now, quite an early stage. The abortion pill is an option, but I just don't want my body getting all messed up by another shot of hormones. The operation is the quickest and less painful and also the quickest way to get the hormones out of my body. @country_girl; thanks for sharing your story. Probably got the worse hit already when I called a institution which was supposed to help me in the decision making, they sent me a package containing a little doll of a baby in the exact size and looks it has when it's 10 weeks -_-. Great. But I'll prepare myself for the possible protest. @maysj18: he ain't a good man. I nearly wanted to say: he doesn't have any balls, but that's what got me in this mess the first place haha. He doesn't take the responsibility and that indeed weighs heavy. @Lansing: I belong to the 1% that apparently dóes get pregnant through anticonception. What are the odds, ey. But! If you do get a girl pregnant; now you at least know what to do. Stand ground, respect her decision and help her get through this. And buy her flowers and give her kisses on the forehead (which you always should do btw, not only when she's unexpectedly pregnant) ;-). All that sort of stuff. What an insane situation is this. Trying to keep my head up. Trying to lighten it a bit with some kind of humor, but it's definitely horrible. I'm trying to keep calm, and as far as the guy concerns, I'll leave it up to him to make a call, but I'm not going to depend on him in any way. I couldn't in the first place and I will not do it now, despite the hope. There is no foundation. It never was, never will be. I'll lose this little thing in my belly, I'll lose him, but definitely not losing my dignity. 2
wizer Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I belong to the 1% that apparently dóes get pregnant through anticonception What sort of birth control were you using? Pulling out isn't considered "anticonception" it's considered "having a baby". Anyway once he sees you've had the abortion, you'll never hear from him again.
stillafool Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Should I break it off? If so, how? I don't think you will have to break it off after the abortion, he will. He is be attentive now because he wants to make sure you have that abortion. This is so classic. Just take care of yourself and forget about this guy. I don't care how busy he is if a guy meets a girl he wants he makes contact and time to be with her. They are way too selfish to let you get away. 1
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 YOU are having the abortion, YOU are the one that needs the support. OK there may be a school of thought that as he is the father he should not get off scot free, BUT you need to do what is best for you and if that is having your best pals, your mum, your dad or your Auntie Margaret from Timbuktu, come and hold your hand and make you feel better then that is who you get to come to the clinic with you. Forget some guy who doesn't want a baby. He's not coming to persuade you to change your mind as he loves you and is desperate to be father, is he? He was not that into you anyway, he doesn't really care and my guess he will vanish into the sunset pretty pronto afterwards. I would tell him thanks but no thanks, you have it well covered. 2
Author Vicky876 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 @Wizer, I was on real anticonception that had to make sure I would not ovulate. I also think now: the guy's not yet 27. He might just be overwhelmed by this. I do believe that men are more likely to withdraw in these circumstances and cope with it in silence rather than talk about it. I was with him on monday and saw him being quite devastated. I tried to make some stupid jokes to lighten the pressed atmosphere, but he couldn't laugh at all, he said. He thought it over during the weekend but said he honestly couldn't see anything positive in keeping it at this point. I can hardly believe he'd be so cruel to just let me down completely. One part of me just wants to say: 'You don't need to call anymore. Take care. X', and break all bonds, the other part wants to call and talk and know his take on all this. My mind goes to extremes all the time. Keep - don't keep. Love - don't love. Leave - stay. Me - him.
stillafool Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 [quote=Vicky876;6453146. I also think now: the guy's not yet 27. He might just be overwhelmed by this. I do believe that men are more likely to withdraw in these circumstances and cope with it in silence rather than talk about it. I was with him on monday and saw him being quite devastated. I tried to make some stupid jokes to lighten the pressed atmosphere, but he couldn't laugh at all, he said. He thought it over during the weekend but said he honestly couldn't see anything positive in keeping it at this point. I can hardly believe he'd be so cruel to just let me down completely. One part of me just wants to say: 'You don't need to call anymore. Take care. X', and break all bonds, the other part wants to call and talk and know his take on all this. My mind goes to extremes all the time. Keep - don't keep. Love - don't love. Leave - stay. Me - him. He has already told you his take on this. He said he thought it over on the weekend and couldn't see anything positive in keeping it. Of course he isn't happy about an abortion, who is? I'm sure he didn't expect his first child to end up like this. He probably thought he would be married. I agree with the others that you should take your close friends or your mom with you to get the abortion. They love you and that's what you need.
lucy_in_disguise Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Get him to pay for it, but take a girlfriend. And I would cut all contact now. Its not going to get any easier dealing with his flakiness and lack of emotional investment after you have the abortion. I would also bet he disappears completely at that point. Hugs to you, im sorry youre going through his. Its a very difficult choice to have to make.
Author Vicky876 Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Well, thought I just give you an update here: how the story ended. I called him up saturday (2 weeks ago) and said I wanted it to be clear about the clinic. I expressed what I needed concerning support and how I feared the operation and if he could offer that. He answered: ''Well, then you have to find someone else...' I hardly ever get angry, put I was massively pissed off and shouted through the phone that it's hís responsibility as well and that he's the biggest ******* ever existed if this is what it comes to. I rambled on like some sort of tsunami rolling over him. He didn't say a word. I said: ''Well, and now you're not saying anything, you know what? Leave it and **** off.'' And I hung up. The next day he suddenly showed up at my door, I was so brought off guard that I completely forgot how angry I was. He said he didn't really want to support me throughout the week, because he was affraid it would get my hopes up to keep it. We talked. His offer to come with me was still there. He gave me time to think about it. Eventually I thought it to be best for both to find closure to do this together. So we went together. I'm happy we did. At the clinic it turned out to become a miscarriage, so had that last week. I was so incredibly relieved that nature has found its own way. An abortion would have been completely against my instinct. In the evening we had a drink together to close this chapter. We haven't been in contact since. I truly wish this all had never happened and that we'd never met. Oh well. Lesson learned, ey. Again, many thanks for your support.
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