Kiwi Guy Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) Alright, this is a long post, but I am kindly asking to please read through all this, because I am pretty upset. Thank you. I am 30 years old, and I met a girl that works at a gas station down the road from where I live who's 27, and is a single mom. I got her phone number, and we started dating for a month. Our first date went extremely well, it was as if we already knew each other, and we were laughing and having a good time. I felt a spark and a strong connection with her, and really felt something was there. We scheduled a second date and everything was peaches and cream. I felt so attached to this girl that I felt like I was in a dream, and I was just so happy. I felt close to her, we talked about a lot of things, and our next dates. I can't really explain how good this all felt, I just "knew" something was there. All of a sudden, things started going downhill. On a day where she got really excited, we both jumped in the car and went on a random adventure. Her ex showed up with her kid that day, and then it ruined the day for us. We both were upset, and tried kissing at the end of the day, but it failed. This was our third time going out, and she begun sensing that I had fear of rejection in me. This fear was always here starting from the first date, but this time, it came out a bit stronger. My eyes looked downwards, and she said "where's your confidence?" when we talked in the car. She was reading me. Our fourth time together was possibly the nail in the coffin. I went out and bought her roses and chocolates, and when she returned to the car, I got an eerie message that played in my head telling me the girl was fat and stupid. This was a random thought that popped in my head, and I didn't intentionally think this at all. Its associated with my past, and I'm currently going to see my therapist soon about it. This message in my head transferred to her, she saw it, and asked if I was OK. I told her I was, but I got really nervous when driving to the restaurant, because my fear of rejection got stronger. It was hard for me to even look at her on the way there. We drove to go eat, we sat down, and things seemed to be OK. When we got in the car and drove to our next destination, there was an awkward silence between us that lasted for a good 20 minutes. She was looking out the window away from me, and was rubbing her cell phone with her fingers. I felt this was another bad sign, and the pressure got more intense. When we got at the place, it got late, so we decided to reschedule. When I drove her back to the gas station, she got out of the car and gave me a look that seemed a little cold. She said "don't beat yourself up when you go home" while smiling. She said this because the fear came out even stronger when she got out of the car, and she picked up on it. When I went to bed that night, I lost 6 hours of sleep. I was literally losing it. We continued texting on a different day, including talking on the phone. I texted her saying I was going to destroy the negative thoughts, because I realized she had to make her decisions. She was cool with this. When I say "negative thoughts", I meant to her my fear of her leaving. She acknowledged this through text. Things still seemed to be OK, until she sent a text the other day saying "U can stop thinking those dark thoughts there buddy boy", and said she was going to the fair alone with a guy and a girl. We scheduled to go this week, and she was ditching me to go with her friends. We got into an argument on the phone last night, and I told her that she couldn't be seeing another guy on the side if we were dating. She played a ton of mind games, and was acting very strange. She did not respect me, and then hung up on me three times this day when I tried to initiate the conversation. She said she never went to the fair, and said something about me lacking faith in her. She hung up at 10PM, and said not to call her again. So basically to sum this all up, we went on 4 dates total, we did not kiss, but came close, and I spent around $200 on the dates combined. From what I have experienced, she's either.... A: Thrown in the towel, because my lack of confidence was a turn off in the dates. I read on a dating help website that if you lack faith on your dates, you're pretty much done for. B: The negative message transferred to her, and she did not like this. Women are highly intuitive, and they can read minds. I understand this was a mistake, but I didn't do it on purpose. or.... C: She's seeing another guy on the side. In my situation, it just seems like a dead end. I feel like I'm in a horror movie, and the guy with the chainsaw put me into a corner. Do you think its A, B, or C, and what should I do? I'm going to play hard to get, but I'm really upset that she ditched me. I was going to approach her at the fair tomorrow night, and just ask her to kiss me. Looks like the dream is over. I'm really upset about this, my god..... Edited July 23, 2015 by Kiwi Guy
SycamoreCircle Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I don't know which of those doors you offer has a tiger and which a lady behind it. I do think that moment where you thought she was fat and unattractive is very telling. You're not ready for a relationship. I don't know why. I'd have to know more about your past. Maybe the idea of commitment scares you. Maybe you've been hurt deeply in the past. Women are highly intuitive. This one picked up sufficiently on your vacillation. That's how it goes. Maybe in the future, you'll meet someone who does not trigger vacillation. Let go of this and focus more on you, your development. 2
DaisyBug Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Seems like she was into you but it soon became apparent you have an awful lot of baggage. It's wise of her to think twice at this point. You sound like you could be your own worst enemy and sabotage things because, subconsciously, you feel you don't deserve good things to happen to you, at least relationship-wise. I would definitely speak to a counselor about this. Good luck! 3
Author Kiwi Guy Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I don't know which of those doors you offer has a tiger and which a lady behind it. I do think that moment where you thought she was fat and unattractive is very telling. You're not ready for a relationship. I don't know why. I'd have to know more about your past. Maybe the idea of commitment scares you. Maybe you've been hurt deeply in the past. Women are highly intuitive. This one picked up sufficiently on your vacillation. That's how it goes. Maybe in the future, you'll meet someone who does not trigger vacillation. Let go of this and focus more on you, your development. Yeah, I tried so hard, and I was trying to win her. I'm pissed off about that message that came in my head, because I think it cost me this relationship. Only way to save this situation is that I'd have to talk with her about it in person. 1
Author Kiwi Guy Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Seems like she was into you but it soon became apparent you have an awful lot of baggage. It's wise of her to think twice at this point. You sound like you could be your own worst enemy and sabotage things because, subconsciously, you feel you don't deserve good things to happen to you, at least relationship-wise. I would definitely speak to a counselor about this. Good luck! Seems like the only alternative is that I'd have to talk to her in person. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 OP, I don't think you're ready for a relationship. I sense she feels the same. She knows you have a lot of issues; it was obvious through your actions and words. She doesn't want to hurt you, but she doesn't want to involve herself either. If you're struggling this much and arguing and getting angry at her after only 4 dates, the writing is on the wall: you're not in a good place to be dating right now. I don't think she was playing mind games with you at all. I think she was trying to figure out what was going through your mind, and trying to decide if this was a good match. She was free to see who she wants; she owed you nothing. Is that fun? No. But that's reality. You and her barely know each other. Yet she already knows you are battling some demons. It's in her best interest to let you sort those out on your own. Focus on yourself and dealing with whatever past issues are plaguing you. They are clearly affecting the present very much and it's going to haunt every relationship if you don't begin to manage them more effectively. You mentioned you're in therapy - that's great! That's a step in the right direction. Have you discussed this latest news with your therapist? What is her/her take on it? 6
SycamoreCircle Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Yeah, I tried so hard, and I was trying to win her. I'm pissed off about that message that came in my head, because I think it cost me this relationship. Only way to save this situation is that I'd have to talk with her about it in person.Yeah, I don't know about that. I think the only way to save this situation is to let it be. Women are intuitive, but men aren't made of brick and mortar. That little alarm that went off in you went off for a reason. Have you ever had problems with performance sexually?
Satu Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I don't think that there's any way to save this situation. She just doesn't want to be involved with you. That is neither right nor wrong. Better luck next time. 2
Toodaloo Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Seems like the only alternative is that I'd have to talk to her in person. While normally I would advocate this I think if you try its going to look like you are stalking her. What do I think you should do? Prove that you are fine. Prove that your life with out her is just dandy. If you see her about smile nod your head pass the time of day but keep it very neutral and very much away from relationship talk. Do not call, text etc. Move on. While you are doing that explore why you worry so and try to change your way of thinking so you are not so afraid of rejection. 2
wizer Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 She probably liked you at first and thought you were weird with all of those unexpected "negative thoughts" because lets face it, it is rather odd. The nail in the coffin might have been when you told her that seeing other guys was a dealbreaker. You were only 4 dates in, and out comes Mr. Possessive. You didn't even have the exclusive talk yet. This whole needy, clingy, insecurity thing is going to cause you major problems until you effectively deal with it. Until and unless you do, if you find yourself on a date that's going well, keep those negative thoughts and insecurities to yourself. It's expecting a lot for a woman who hardly knows you to understand this. 3
GoBlue Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I will be honest and say that I pretty much agree with everything that has been said. Most people do not want to involve themselves with someone who is working through some serious issues. The reason - instability. It's very clear from what you wrote that you were putting too much pressure on this dating relationship to make yourself happy. If you have that much fear and anxiety going on it will pour out of you and be very detrimental to any relationship you try to establish. I hope that your therapy goes well. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 2
Gloria25 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Spending $200 on the first few dates? I think on top of you having baggage, you smothered her too... IMO, first few dates should be light...coffee/drinks, ice cream (it's summer you know). And yes, like her, I have insecurities and don't have time with some guy who has them too. If I smell you are scared of me, I'm out of there. I've tried working with guys who are insecure and you try, try, try and they don't change...Then, they go run off with the Town Ho and/or some manipulative chick, so go figure, the thing they fear (being hurt, manipulated, rejected) is the same thing they run to and get f-d over and treat me like I'm the worst thing that ever happened to them Recently, a guy on OLD sent me his tel, but he sent it with the 'oh, I think you're out of my league, but I still am sending you my tel'. I haven't even called him and lost his tel. If you're gonna start out by saying you think you're not good enough for me, then I'm gonna agree with you....NEXT!!! 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 How did the message in your head telling you that she is fat & stupid transfer to her? Do you have telepathic abilities? Can she read your mind?
Gloria25 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 How did the message in your head telling you that she is fat & stupid transfer to her? Do you have telepathic abilities? Can she read your mind? Communication isn't just verbal and/or in writing....a lot of times it is physical expressions... For example, if he had concerns about her being fat, let's say he made a funny look on his face when she ordered something to eat. Maybe when she made a comment about something on TV, again, he might have made up his face and/or said something like "oh, that's your opinion?", in a funny tone and/or an expression on his face. See, and problem is that first few dates you are pressed to make a first impression and let's say you're shy, nervous, and/or got baggage - more than likely, it's gonna show, but how does the other person know w/o communicating to you a "what's up" and/or knowing that's just who you are to everyone (shy)....More than likely, they'll see it as a lack of interest, chemistry, etc - and since they don't have invested much and it's barely a first few dates, they'll back off and leave you be. Again, I have insecurities and if dude is already acting funny and we just met - maybe I'll give him a chance, but more than likely I'll bail...I don't have time and/or expertise (ie a therapist) to force a guy to like me and/or overcome his baggage, childhood issues, insecurities etc.
A O Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Confidence isn't the problem here, its those negative thoughts running around in your head. Dunno what you're getting therapy for, but I hope its encompassing those negative thoughts, affording you strategies to better manage said thoughts. As for this girl - that ship has sailed.
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I went out and bought her roses and chocolates, and when she returned to the car, I got an eerie message that played in my head telling me the girl was fat and stupid. This was a random thought that popped in my head, and I didn't intentionally think this at all. Its associated with my past, and I'm currently going to see my therapist soon about it. This message in my head transferred to her, she saw it, and asked if I was OK. I told her I was, but I got really nervous when driving to the restaurant, because my fear of rejection got stronger. It was hard for me to even look at her on the way there. OK, you may want to discuss some stuff with her but DO NOT tell her about this. This is weird and will hurt and annoy her at the same time. However, I suggest you do not speak to her again. The dates were a disaster and not salvageable. Spend some more time in therapy, you are not in a good place to date as yet.
Qboro90 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Yikes, 4 dates and there were this many issues that occurred? Agree with what the earlier posts said... You're not ready to date at the moment. Too many things going on in your head. Chocolate and roses on a 4th date is cool and cute when you're 14, not when you're 30. Looks like you're trying to hard and get your moves from 1950's movies.
Author Kiwi Guy Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 Actually, I just did some research, and our break up was due to no sexual contact (friend zone). Thanks guys.
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