mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I understand that point. I really do. But in RS, fault is hardly ever one sided. How about his side of responsibility? His lack of concern about her feelings and worries? I know nothing about the poster, but what if she comes after a guy cheated on her and she's a bit freaked out? Everyone comes with an emotional baggage, smaller or larger... I am not pointing fingers, but what I am saying is: she def is in the wrong, giving in to her fears. If the guy was a cheater, however, she would have busted his arse and everyone here would have said "well done for listening to your intuition". These sensitive matters - trust, reliability - are build upon. In the end, yes, she may need a much higher degree of reassurance - and it may be her issue to deal with. Irrelevant, that man did nothing - that the OP told us - to reassure her. He only rubbed her the wrong way, dumped her and then rubbed her nose in it some more. whether she decides to work on her trust issues or not, she will always have that emotional need that the man chose to not address. You cannot just dismiss something this important because you don't like it. HEr trust issues are part of herself. He completely and totally rejects it, well... he completely and totally rejects her. If she could, if that thing wouldn't have been important to her, would she have called? everyone messes up, in RS. big time. How your partner treats you, in those times when you have messed up, is the true measure of that RS and of his emotional involvement. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. This guy couldn't be quicker out the door. Well... I may be harsh, but he should stay on that side of the door...I did identify his foul, it's not like I ignored it. But the correct reaction was not what she did. Faced with this problem, she compounded it instead of squaring off against it. Therefore, my judgement.
candie13 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I did identify his foul, it's not like I ignored it. But the correct reaction was not what she did. Faced with this problem, she compounded it instead of squaring off against it. Therefore, my judgement. she fcked up. she knows it. she apologized in person and reached out to him... not that it makes it ok... irrelevant, he got out of the RS and is still trying to make her bite. that's not cool. watch and see what happens and how he treats her if she gives in, calls and texts and begs him some more to be forgiven and taken back...
Author amymarieca Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I just want to clarify that he has not broken up with me. He just said he needed space to cool off because he is hurt and angry that I would be so mistrustful. I do have issues with trust and I have been in therapy for my insecurities and trust issues for a while. I've been doing great until I had this slip up. I've never once looked through his phone or personal belongings or spied on him in any way. Believe me I've been tempted to, just based on my own insecurity. He's never given me a reason to mistrust him which is why he got so mad. He is wrong in the sense that he should not have fed the insecurity but I definitely made a colossal mistake. I guess I just have to wait it out and if he doesn't break it off then I need to be sure I never do it again. It does seen like he's playing games. He is known for just shutting down and being silent when he's mad. It's annoying because I want to talk through it. In some ways he is not that mature from an emotional perspective.
candie13 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 alright, now I understand his "talk soon" bit. if he needs time and space, give him time and space. Really. You need to have patience and work on yourself, in the mean time. Keep low contact, maybe fire another text in a week or so, and see how that goes. I don't see what else you could do... see, I think this sort of issues can be addressed, but they need... Effort. Communication. Willingness to address them. Maturity. Effort. Given his past behavior - shutting down - and his communication style - and your big issue that needs extra effort to be overcame ... it doesn't look that good. I also think you should prepare in case he does want to break up, after some time. It can go either way, so brace yourself.
Author amymarieca Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 alright, now I understand his "talk soon" bit. if he needs time and space, give him time and space. Really. You need to have patience and work on yourself, in the mean time. Keep low contact, maybe fire another text in a week or so, and see how that goes. I don't see what else you could do... see, I think this sort of issues can be addressed, but they need... Effort. Communication. Willingness to address them. Maturity. Effort. Given his past behavior - shutting down - and his communication style - and your big issue that needs extra effort to be overcame ... it doesn't look that good. I also think you should prepare in case he does want to break up, after some time. It can go either way, so brace yourself. Thanks for the reply! Yes I'm kind of preparing for the worst case scenario. I think maybe one thing I need to include on my end is that he's not allowed to shut down when things get tough. I get that people need to cool off so they don't say things they regret, but shutting down completely seems unfair. I think I did the right thing by admitting I was in the wrong but I guess it can't change how he feels in the long run.
wb1988 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) I tried to imagine what I'd think if it was the opposite (guy looks at girls phone) and I think my opinion would still be the same. Your bf is being overly sensitive and a big liberal baby. Who cares if you looked, you called the number because he didn't tell you and hey the fact that you're a little jealous should at least count for something. We all know our partners love snooping at our ****, so it should be expected. It wasn't another girl so he didn't have to keep it a secret anyway, maybe he's just too secretive. Anyway the guy is just a big baby. Edited July 23, 2015 by wb1988
candie13 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Thanks for the reply! Yes I'm kind of preparing for the worst case scenario. I think maybe one thing I need to include on my end is that he's not allowed to shut down when things get tough. I get that people need to cool off so they don't say things they regret, but shutting down completely seems unfair. I think I did the right thing by admitting I was in the wrong but I guess it can't change how he feels in the long run. I understand your point, OP, but you can't really judge how he's reacting... I mean... he reacts how he reacts, maybe it's instinctual. Some people - some men - need time to process things, to think. I'm a fast thinker, I'm quick and spontaneous, but in matters of the heart I react really poorly. Overreact. So actually taking time to cool off and forcing myself to take extra time out is more than advisable. I have good instincts, but i'm on fire. Not good for the person in front of me, I have been known to walk all over them . Try not to blame him for his shutting down. I understand that you are disappointed... but allow him the space to come to his senses and maybe even open up. A lot of men react very very poorly to pressure and fighting and confrontation... you don't have a lot of room for negotiation, really. I totally understand your frustration about him shutting down, though. Look at it as a defense mechanism, because he's also hurt. IF you want understanding and compassion, in your RS, you should be able to show understanding and compassion yourself... maybe not quite the advice you were expecting to read... make sure he understands and acknowledges that it's a "break" and that you are expecting him to go back to you, when he's had his time away from the RS. keep low contact by sending a small text, once in a while, so that he knows he's in your thoughts... he will have to make contact and start talking, if you two really want to make this work. just let him have a bit of time, to come to terms with the situation.
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