esmith1111 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Hi all! So recently I just had my first break up...I thought I loved him, but he treated me awfully. When we first started seeing each other I cheated on him once because I didn't know what I wanted. I realized I wanted him, and he took me back and I never forgave myself, even to this day (also...any tips on how to forgive myself for that?) Basically, I felt guilt over this and put up with a lot of **** I shouldn't have. He never once took me out, even when we first started dating. I felt like I had to have sex with him, and when I said I didn't want to, he told me he would just find other girls for that. He was a natural flirt, hung out with other girls alone all the time, went out with them (while never going out with me), never told other girls about me....even took another girl out on Valentine's day and didn't even see me. The last 6 months I knew he was just using me for sex, but he was so good I couldn't find it in myself to end it. This lasted for a year. He just broke up with me a week ago because he wanted other girls and "wanted to see if he was at good as sex as everyone told him." I went a little crazy...not proud of myself for that. Basically, after this whole relationship my self esteem just plummeted. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone, just because he could be seen with every other girl except for me and not let anyone know we were talking. No matter how many times I told him I felt like he was embarrassed of me...nothing changed. He only saw me in his bedroom. I guess I'm just wondering...it was my first heartbreak and I know he doesn't care at all about me. Any tips on moving on, gaining my self esteem, and just forgetting about him? I've tried remembering the bad times, but I also can't seem to forget the good times and move past it. Thanks so much...I know this is long 1
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) Hi all! So recently I just had my first break up...I thought I loved him, but he treated me awfully. When we first started seeing each other I cheated on him once because I didn't know what I wanted. I realized I wanted him, and he took me back and I never forgave myself, even to this day (also...any tips on how to forgive myself for that?) Basically, I felt guilt over this and put up with a lot of **** I shouldn't have. He never once took me out, even when we first started dating. I felt like I had to have sex with him, and when I said I didn't want to, he told me he would just find other girls for that. He was a natural flirt, hung out with other girls alone all the time, went out with them (while never going out with me), never told other girls about me....even took another girl out on Valentine's day and didn't even see me. The last 6 months I knew he was just using me for sex, but he was so good I couldn't find it in myself to end it. This lasted for a year. He just broke up with me a week ago because he wanted other girls and "wanted to see if he was at good as sex as everyone told him." I went a little crazy...not proud of myself for that. Basically, after this whole relationship my self esteem just plummeted. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone, just because he could be seen with every other girl except for me and not let anyone know we were talking. No matter how many times I told him I felt like he was embarrassed of me...nothing changed. He only saw me in his bedroom. I guess I'm just wondering...it was my first heartbreak and I know he doesn't care at all about me. Any tips on moving on, gaining my self esteem, and just forgetting about him? I've tried remembering the bad times, but I also can't seem to forget the good times and move past it. Thanks so much...I know this is long You will never forget him, nor should you. He's an *******, a negative role model that you can use as a yardstick for other boyfriends. If they're like him a little too much, BEGONE! You're a little confused, I think. The cheating was your rational self looking for a cheap way out. The emotional part of you, being young and female, recoiled at this rather silly way to show your displeasure and overreacted, bringing you back to him. What you really wanted, probably, was a boy who you could have a great time with, one that would treat you well, and that you could be in happy love with. But the only thing you knew was him, and that's why you went back. Then you let him have sex without demanding anything in return, and it was so good, compared to your one night stand, that you couldn't let it go. So basically now, you're all ****ed up, because your emotions have been compromised by the sex. Ordinarily, I'd suggest that you go bang a few guys, and take some poor, deserving soul under your wing and teach him how to do you the way you want, but you're young and female and at this time in your life, that's really not the right approach... for you or that hapless guy. It's going to hurt for as long as you're going to be irrational. I think it's that simple. So just remember that wanting him and feeling bad goes with the territory of growing up. It won't last forever, and if you can see your way through this without compromising yourself again, you'll be just fine. One day, you'll see him for what he is, and he won't mean much to you. One last piece of advice. Be cold to him. Don't say a word. Don't text, talk to, talk about or have anything to do with him. Walk away if he approaches you, and don't worry about what he thinks. It's the only healthy way, and you'll feel like you're walking through fire sometimes. That's because you are, and you are forging yourself into a stronger and better woman. So don't worry about all the emotions. Feel them, but don't give in to them. Your heart is honest, but it lies to you to get what it wants. Just remember that. Edited July 23, 2015 by mightycpa 3
Satu Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 He really sounds like a nasty piece of work. He's highly abusive, and you have been mentally and emotionally abused by him. If he forced you to have sex with him, when you'd said you didn't want to, thats called rape. The first thing you should do is to implement strict no contact with him. *No direct contact in either direction. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through to you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. As regards what you did, that's a secondary issue, and less important than you recovering from what was done to you. Find out if there are resources local to you that offer aid and support to women recovering from abuse. If you can, start seeing a counsellor. There's more you can do, but I don't want to throw too much at you at once. Well done on coming here and telling your story. Post as often as you like. There's always someone here to talk to, and people will be supportive. You'll be OK. Take care. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 As regards what you did, that's a secondary issue, and less important than you recovering from what was done to you. I'm going to respectfully disagree... Her actions are absolutely the real issue here and need immediate attention before it just happens again and a very dangerous pattern develops. I'm guessing you have some event(s) from your childhood that is retarding / delaying the development of your sense of self-worth, self-value and self-esteem. Therapy, self-help books, positive & affirming actions and surrounding yourself with a strong support group will help you immensely. It sounds like you are still pretty young, which is good. Better to dig this stuff up now rather than later... 3
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 You need to figure out why you put up with this. I can get past the flirting (but I have a much higher tolerance for that then most) but he takes out other women, and one on Valentine's day but not you? You needed to dump him no later than February 15. Why the heck did you stick around? He didn't take your self confidence. You didn't have much to begin with. 2
guest569 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Self esteem usually takes a hit after being dumped, and this was an example of what not to do in future relationships. From what you've posted here, those negative points of the relationship (was it a relationship?) must surely outweigh any positives. You cheated on each other, it sounds like a mess. It takes time to rebuild that self esteem so all i can say is keep spending time wit friends and family who love and respect you and try new things, set some goals and achieve them, even just tiny goals. 2
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