Keenly Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Publicly shaming your husband in front of strangers does not strengthen your position, nor is it constructive to this situation. Is there no compromise here?
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Here is the discussion about the videos I had with my wife. This is copy and pasted. Wife Why do you watch massage videos? Me I fall asleep to them. Wife What do you mean you fall asleep to them? Are you some sort of freak like your dad? Me I don’t even watch the videos I just listen. Just thinking about getting a massage relaxes me. I tried to see if it is normal and all I find is this. Some of them get millions of views because I guess a lot of people feel the same way I do. Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is a neologism for a perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head,scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, or cognitive stimuli. The nature and classification of the ASMR phenomenon is controversial,[1] with strong anecdotal evidence to support the phenomenon but little or no scientific explanation or verified data.[2] Wife That's if you are actually getting the massage. It's 100% weird for you to watch the videos - they are for teaching how to do them. Me Well they help me sleep. I don’t care if it is odd. I used to watch tech videos to help me sleep but sometimes I get to interested in those and it doesn’t work. Soft talking helps me relax and then thinking about getting a massage is relaxing. Wife It makes me feel really weird and uncomfortable knowing you do that. Watching guys massage girls. Not normal. Me I don’t care if it is a girl or guy getting the massage. Wife You just watched one where the girl is not even wearing a shirt. This is not okay. Me You have an issue then you massage me so I can fall asleep. Wife This is not okay, and I shouldn't have to tell you that! Me I can’t even tell if you are serious or not. Wife I am very serious. I was looking for one of my homeschool links in history and saw that stuff. This is not normal. Me I am not doing anything wrong. If you want to ask me not to watch them than ask. Don’t try to turn this into me doing something bad. If it makes you uncomfortable I won’t watch them. See unlike you I care about how you feel.
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I think she is angry because she is tired of being hurt. So it is easier to be angry. Have you ever had a sleep study done?Could you have sleep apnea as well? Sleeping issues are awful. It effects every other aspect of your life. Do you want to work on your marriage? Or are you done as well? The way you two are speaking to each other here is not productive to a healthy marriage. OMG thank you for saying that. That is exactly it. The anger is much better than feeling constantly hurt.
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Publicly shaming your husband in front of strangers does not strengthen your position, nor is it constructive to this situation. Is there no compromise here? I didn't ask him to come on here! I just wanted to get some opinions from some strangers and decide what to do.
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Here is the discussion about the videos I had with my wife. This is copy and pasted. Wife Why do you watch massage videos? Me I fall asleep to them. Wife What do you mean you fall asleep to them? Are you some sort of freak like your dad? Me I don’t even watch the videos I just listen. Just thinking about getting a massage relaxes me. I tried to see if it is normal and all I find is this. Some of them get millions of views because I guess a lot of people feel the same way I do. Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is a neologism for a perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head,scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, or cognitive stimuli. The nature and classification of the ASMR phenomenon is controversial,[1] with strong anecdotal evidence to support the phenomenon but little or no scientific explanation or verified data.[2] Wife That's if you are actually getting the massage. It's 100% weird for you to watch the videos - they are for teaching how to do them. Me Well they help me sleep. I don’t care if it is odd. I used to watch tech videos to help me sleep but sometimes I get to interested in those and it doesn’t work. Soft talking helps me relax and then thinking about getting a massage is relaxing. Wife It makes me feel really weird and uncomfortable knowing you do that. Watching guys massage girls. Not normal. Me I don’t care if it is a girl or guy getting the massage. Wife You just watched one where the girl is not even wearing a shirt. This is not okay. Me You have an issue then you massage me so I can fall asleep. Wife This is not okay, and I shouldn't have to tell you that! Me I can’t even tell if you are serious or not. Wife I am very serious. I was looking for one of my homeschool links in history and saw that stuff. This is not normal. Me I am not doing anything wrong. If you want to ask me not to watch them than ask. Don’t try to turn this into me doing something bad. If it makes you uncomfortable I won’t watch them. See unlike you I care about how you feel. Did you seriously just copy and paste a private conversation of ours on an internet forum? I'm sooooo done. Everyone, thanks for the advice, but this has just gotten too weird and inappropriate.
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I think she is angry because she is tired of being hurt. So it is easier to be angry. Have you ever had a sleep study done?Could you have sleep apnea as well? Sleeping issues are awful. It effects every other aspect of your life. Do you want to work on your marriage? Or are you done as well? The way you two are speaking to each other here is not productive to a healthy marriage. I have not had a sleep study done. I hate doctors but I guess it is something I should think about. I always want to talk about our issues. This is about the closest we have gotten to talking about them. I absolutely want to work on our marriage. I love my wife and my family. I have issues, i go to a psychologist and I am on meds. I try hard to make things work but it really feels like a witch hunt for things I am doing wrong.
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Did you seriously just copy and paste a private conversation of ours on an internet forum? I'm sooooo done. Everyone, thanks for the advice, but this has just gotten too weird and inappropriate. Of course you are. When you are not able to twist reality to your perception you always run away.
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Hmmm... did you read my last post? Did you read that some guys think it IS sexual? Or are you just going with the one who says it is not? Why wouldn't you just watch ones that don't have naked girls?? Can you show that video to our pastor? Can you tell him how you sleep on the couch? Masturbate? It's getting pretty awkward now, so I won't continue, but this marriage is NOT OKAY. I'm not interested in this and yes, I am VERY angry at the way things are. Funny you skipped this post, KalmOne. We'll talk when you show the video to our pastor, tell him about your sleeping/sexual habits, and about our sleeping arrangements.
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Funny you skipped this post, KalmOne. We'll talk when you show the video to our pastor, tell him about your sleeping/sexual habits, and about our sleeping arrangements. Sure I will tell the pastor that I said I wouldn't watch the videos that made you uncomfortable, that I sleep on the couch because I snore and that I masterbate because my wife won't have sex with me. Does that about cover it?
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Sure I will tell the pastor that I said I wouldn't watch the videos that made you uncomfortable, that I sleep on the couch because I snore and that I masterbate because my wife won't have sex with me. Does that about cover it? That's bs, but it's a start, so sure. When are you going to tell him?
hotgurl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I think you guys should get non religious counseling. Or just break up. I mean this dynamic is horrible. 1
LoveMachine67 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I have not had a sleep study done. I hate doctors but I guess it is something I should think about. I always want to talk about our issues. This is about the closest we have gotten to talking about them. I absolutely want to work on our marriage. I love my wife and my family. I have issues, i go to a psychologist and I am on meds. I try hard to make things work but it really feels like a witch hunt for things I am doing wrong. Kalm, after a sleep study I was diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago, and had to do the old CPAP machine for about 6 months. I hated the damned thing and decided to loose weight to see if the problem went away. I lost the weight, and no longer have sleep apnea. It took me about 8 months to reach my weight goal. But not only was my apnea cured, as a side benefit my libido skyrocketed, and I no longer need prescription medication for anything. 4
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I think you guys should get non religious counseling. Or just break up. I mean this dynamic is horrible. Why non-religious counseling?
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Kalm, after a sleep study I was diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago, and had to do the old CPAP machine for about 6 months. I hated the damned thing and decided to loose weight to see if the problem went away. I lost the weight, and no longer have sleep apnea. It took me about 8 months to reach my weight goal. But not only was my apnea cured, as a side benefit my libido skyrocketed, and I no longer need prescription medication for anything. What did you do to lose the weight. Atkins works for me once i get passed the carb cravings but if I slip up it is a big snow ball back to the starting line.
hotgurl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Why non-religious counseling? I don't know because it seems like you use your pastor as a weapon. Counseling needs to be a safe place where the couple can address their problems. Not something where you threaten to shame a spouse because you don't agree with them. Really how will that help your marriage. I think taking the religious shaming aspect out of it might help. 3
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 That's bs, but it's a start, so sure. When are you going to tell him? You aren't really going to talk to the pastor, are you?
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Seems to me there is a big elephant in the room here, that keeps being alluded to, but never expanded upon. Could it be the real root of the anger?
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I don't know because it seems like you use your pastor as a weapon. Counseling needs to be a safe place where the couple can address their problems. Not something where you threaten to shame a spouse because you don't agree with them. Really how will that help your marriage. I think taking the religious shaming aspect out of it might help. If you mean me, I do not use the pastor as a weapon. I'm not going to go to a secular counselor who is going to call sin okay and I get shamed for thinking it's a sin and not accepting it.
hotgurl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 What did you do to lose the weight. Atkins works for me once i get passed the carb cravings but if I slip up it is a big snow ball back to the starting line. Exercising will really help as well. Not only wit the sleeping but also with the depression. You can join your family. It would also help to foster some intimacy as well. I am sure you know all about good sleep hygiene as well.
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Seems to me there is a big elephant in the room here, that keeps being alluded to, but never expanded upon. Could it be the real root of the anger? I'm not sure which elephant you mean. What is being alluded to? 1
hotgurl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 If you mean me, I do not use the pastor as a weapon. I'm not going to go to a secular counselor who is going to call sin okay and I get shamed for thinking it's a sin and not accepting it. you just did. We'll talk when you show the video to our pastor, tell him about your sleeping/sexual habits, and about our sleeping arrangements. I mean what is the point of this if not to get your husband to go to the pastor and get a lecture about morality and be shamed by his actions. How is that helpful?
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Exercising will really help as well. Not only wit the sleeping but also with the depression. You can join your family. It would also help to foster some intimacy as well. I am sure you know all about good sleep hygiene as well. I hope this isn't going to be seen as me publically shaming him, but we always talk about our problems and come up with solutions. He agrees, tries for a few days, and gives up. I've been telling him for years he is going to have to exercise. He says he doesn't want to (that Atkins will work without exercise) or he agrees to exercise and then he doesn't.
LoveMachine67 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 What did you do to lose the weight. Atkins works for me once i get passed the carb cravings but if I slip up it is a big snow ball back to the starting line. My diet was done under strict supervision by my regular physician, because it is a bit extreme, and can lead to serious complications if they are not caught early. Initially, he put me on a 12 week 800 calorie per day liquid diet. It was essentially a liquid version of the Atkins Diet "on steroids". Pretty much ZERO carbs for 12 week! The first week, I thought I was going to die as my body adjusted to ketosis. I worked out every day during those 12 weeks also, and I lost 60lbs during this time. Once the liquid diet was over, I've adopted a very low carb life style. I will not recommend anyone do what I've done, but it has worked for me. Reducing carbs and physical activity is the key to loosing and maintaining weight loss. 2
hotgurl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I hope this isn't going to be seen as me publically shaming him, but we always talk about our problems and come up with solutions. He agrees, tries for a few days, and gives up. I've been telling him for years he is going to have to exercise. He says he doesn't want to (that Atkins will work without exercise) or he agrees to exercise and then he doesn't. It is hard to make life changes. It is also hard to watch a spouse not take care of themselves. Unfortunately you can only give him support and suggestions but he has to do it himself. Diet will help but exercise is not only good for keeping in shape but it is also good for you mental well being. Getting outside in the sun and fresh air. My husband used to have depression and exercise is key for him. 1
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 you just did. We'll talk when you show the video to our pastor, tell him about your sleeping/sexual habits, and about our sleeping arrangements. I mean what is the point of this if not to get your husband to go to the pastor and get a lecture about morality and be shamed by his actions. How is that helpful? I think this is going to be a problem in discussing this with people with such differing perspectives on what is sinful or moral. If he is doing something sinful, the pastor should tell him, but you obviously don't agree wit that. It is helpful (at least from our religious perspective) because if he is sinning, it should be brought to light and repented of. If you are not of the same religious perspective, can you at least agree that he shouldn't be willing to do something that hurts his wife?
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