Nina1995 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 There is so much that I have been through I don't even want to start on it but it's important to note that at this very moment for the first time in my life I feel loved, appreciated, happy and cared for. Last night I was in tears because I finally accepted that no matter what I do my family has decided to cut me out of their lives. I also accepted that in my heart I knew they had done that the moment I was born. I cried for all the times they were never there for me, for the 20 years of my life I have spent relying on myself but secretly praying that my parents would just hold me and tell me they love me. I have always felt that I wasn't good enough for anybody because how could I be if even my own parents never loved me? This self loathing and fear of rejection has ruled over me for my entire life making me scared of any kind of indication that someone might love me for myself. Two Abusive relationships kind of set it in stone that I was worthless and no one wanted me unless I had something to offer, in the end it seemed better that no one had cared because I put so much effort into being the best person I could be thinking that if I was smart, If I was kind and if I was genuine that somebody somewhere could finally love me. It worked! I am a good person, I don't lie, I am honest with the way I feel, I try with all my might not to hurt people, I am not judgmental and I am relatively smart considering where I come from. Though I have picked up some bad traits, finally being with a person who cares so much has made me slightly selfish and demanding, I want to hear that he loves me almost every day and I want his affection all the time. I get worried that I will suffocate him trying desperately to absorb as much of his love and affection as I can just in case he leaves me or hurts me. I want to remember this feeling of happiness and bliss but I am so scared that this will be brief and again I will be alone and unloved. He holds me when I am hurting and crys with me when I cry, he assures me that no matter what happens with us (as in if we break up) that he will always be my family. This was both reassuring and terrifying because I love him and... I want to be with him.. I know I shouldn't think so far into the future but I hope that he will be my one that I can spend the rest of my life with. But his "if something happens" makes me feel like maybe he isn't so sure of how he feels but right at this moment he loves me and wants to feel that even if he has to hurt me in the future maybe he doesn't have to hurt me so badly. That he can still help me. Is my pain from the past causing him to feel that he has to do something to help me? Am I pressuring him? Maybe I shouldn't talk about the future?
nouedis Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 The future is meant to be talked about, but sometimes it's best to keep your mind in the now.
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