My Fiance left me abruptly....

[1DAY]

Hello LS,

 

 

I really need some advice. I used this site many years ago to get over a break up and could really use some insight into my most recent relationship...I apologize this is going to be long.

 

 

I am a 31-year-old single mother. My son is 11, and is a very healthy and happy boy. Fifteen months ago, I went to pick up my son's soccer uniform for the season and met the man who was supposed to be my husband...my son's coach! A 26-year-old single dad of a beautiful, vibrant 4-year-old girl (she is now 5). The next few months were a fairy-tale romance. He swept me off my feet. Pursued me to no end, and had a great bond with my son. I also fell madly in love with his daughter. We decided to move in together after only 5 months of dating. I was a little skeptical because I had been hurt in the past, but this man seemed so wonderful. I thought I would throw caution to the wind as everything was going seemingly perfect.

 

 

He had never lived with a woman before (his daughter was born out of a casual relationship), so I knew it would be an adjustment for him. Whereas I was in a relationship with my son's father for many years and we owned a home together. I must admit, looking back that a red flag should have been the fact that he had many short-term relationships with the longest one having lasted 11 months. He told me stories of women who had cheated on him and just didn't appreciate having a "nice guy" in their life. I believe him because he was the sweetest thing I had ever known. Shortly after moving in together, I began to feel emotionally overwhelmed by his constant need for attention and validation. He was emotionally needy and it felt like he was telling me "I love you" every 5 minutes. I brought this up to him as it was really bothering me. I told him I felt that he told me so much because he needed to hear it back. I was also honest about feeling overwhelmed and he said he would "cool it" and things moved along nicely for a while.

 

 

Two months after moving in together, we took a romantic vacation away from the children to Jamaica, where he proposed and took my breathe away with a beautiful candlelit dinner all for me. I said "yes" and felt so blessed I had met the man of my dreams. We returned to immediately start planning our wedding (which was booked for September 20, 2015). However, shortly after I started to notice that he was lying. It was little things at first, for example what he had eaten that day. It seemed very strange that a person would lie about something like this. I also found a photo on his cell phone of him at a charity car wash surrounded by women in bikinis with his arms around them. The picture was taken two months before the proposal so I chose to forget it and move on. Then came the new year and things seemed very inconsistent with us. His moods were very up and down. I was noticing he had a temper....and the little lies continued. We were arguing quite a bit and in February everything came to a head. My ex-fiancé started an argument out of nowhere and took off from our house. When he came home, I noticed that he smelled like smoke and alcohol. I asked him where he'd been. He told me three different stories. I then told him I needed to go to my friend's house for the night as I needed some space to think. He got angry with me and insisted I not leave. This is when I told him, that I was having second thoughts and didn't know about us anymore and I left.

 

 

In the morning (February 14th valentines day) when I had calmed down, I called my ex-fiancé to tell him I love him and want to talk only to find out that he was at Uhaul renting a truck to move out. I immediately became emotional and asked why he was doing this. He said because I had told him I didn't know about us anymore. I explained it was a heated argument caused by his inability to tell the truth, and couldn't believe he was moving out with no follow-up. When I returned to our house, all his stuff was gone. We spent the next month going back and forth, and in March he agreed to move back home except only a week after moving back in, I found out he had been on a personal ad site soliciting women back in February (around the same time that he decided to leave me). I was crushed and became very depressed. I started drinking a lot more than usual and while intoxicated, I would accuse him of cheating on me and say mean things. I couldn't bring myself to be intimate with him and if he tried, I'd burst into tears. Ultimately this affected our relationship. He was only home again until the end of May when he abruptly left one day without any explanation.

 

 

He initially told me he had packed up to get my attention and make me "Fight" for his love. Then he told me it's because we weren't having sex as frequently as he'd like. The he said it was because I had a drinking problem. I don't know what the real reason is.....I immediately tried to contact him when I came home to his stuff being gone and he was ice cold. Said he didn't have time to deal with me. I cried for weeks, was throwing up all the time, lost weight and each time I reached out he was more cruel than the last. Since then (2 months) he has told me multiple times he wants to "work on us" but then quickly changes his mind. He has come to the house several times to be intimate with me and then ignores me for days. He blows hot and cold but says I'm not being patient enough. I think I have a right to be upset by his behavior. I feel like he does cruel things to purposely hurt me. He was very abused by his father as a child and has low self esteem. It seems like he has power and control issues and manages my emotions by leaving and coming back. However, I am starting to feel like I am crazy and it is my fault. What do you think?

[d0nnivain]

Have you called off the wedding? I hope so . You have tons of issues.

 

I couldn't do the hot & cold thing. Either work on the relationship or end it, but post break up sex isn't healthy & sends confusing messages to the kids.

[1DAY]

Have you called off the wedding? I hope so . You have tons of issues.

 

I couldn't do the hot & cold thing. Either work on the relationship or end it, but post break up sex isn't healthy & sends confusing messages to the kids.

 

 

 

Yes, the wedding is cancelled. We don't see each other with the kids around. I forgot to mention he is living in our trailer at the seasonal lot. Both were purchased in April for the kids to have a fun summer. A month later, he vanished.

 

 

I understand the sexual relations isn't healthy. But he was citing lack of intimacy as one of his reasons for leaving so I was trying to show him I am still attracted to him.

 

 

Since leaving he also told me that he returned my engagement ring back to the store (which was a lie he admitted to later). I feel like he plays a lot of games. I have been reading a lot and wonder if he is a sadistic sociopath as he seems to not have any remorse for anything he's done....maybe Borderline? He has never had any ability to control his emotions. If he is angry, he will display it no matter where we are or who we are with. He has embarrassed me on numerous occasions and his level of anger for certain situations is disturbing. The situation won't warrant the magnitude of his anger...

 

 

I am so lost trying to make sense of all of this. Why would a man come on so strong like prince charming, propose marriage, and then jerk me around?

[TaraMaiden2]

Hello LS,

 

 

I really need some advice. ...

 

... However, I am starting to feel like I am crazy and it is my fault. What do you think?

 

I think the first thing you do is to STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!

 

He has eroded your self-esteem and is gnawing away at your dignity and well-being.

 

You have a son, for goodness' sake, you're a mother.

Focus on that, stop letting this man walk all over you and try being decisive for a change.

 

Quit drinking and making a fool of yourself. Your son will suffer for this, if you carry on being so weak-willed.

 

He's moved out.He has made his decision.

You're not some cheap sideline he can use to get his rocks off.

You're the mother of one of his pupils, and he proposed to you on a romantic getaway.

 

Honey? You dodged a bullet.

He's insincere, unstable, narcissistic (a comparison, not a diagnosis) and fer chrissakes - stop letting him come round, screw you and mess with your brain.

 

Lock him down and tell him it's over.

If he wants more, he's going to have to work with you for anything remotely close to anything approaching what you had.

 

But in your shoes, I'd kick him to the kerb and be glad to be rid of him.

[Gus Grimly]

I assume the alcohol consumption is what led to your continued sexual relationship with this guy. So you should probably quit drinking for a while, get a clear head. This whole thing is very unsettling to me, especially since children are involved.

 

The picture you've painted of this man leads me to believe he is not to be trusted. He's living a double life of sorts. His behavior is very shady and unpredictable. Normal people don't act like this. If I were you I would not trust this person. Make it a priority to cease any romantic encounters with him. That's imperative. I'd get out if I were you, but if you still want to make it work, go to couples/relationship counselling and get some professional help.

[1DAY]

I assume the alcohol consumption is what led to your continued sexual relationship with this guy. So you should probably quit drinking for a while, get a clear head. This whole thing is very unsettling to me, especially since children are involved.

 

The picture you've painted of this man leads me to believe he is not to be trusted. He's living a double life of sorts. His behavior is very shady and unpredictable. Normal people don't act like this. If I were you I would not trust this person. Make it a priority to cease any romantic encounters with him. That's imperative. I'd get out if I were you, but if you still want to make it work, go to couples/relationship counselling and get some professional help.

 

 

Since he left, I've stopped drinking in excess...the odd glass of wine with dinner and my depression has become much better. My ex would often get angry with me about trivial things...I will give you an example. We were at a wedding as guests. Sitting at our dining table with other members of his family. He put his arm around my shoulder and while doing this he accidently pulled my hair. I said "owwww" and moved his arm....he became enraged instantly and responded with "wow, did you just do that in front of my entire family. You took my arm off of you. My own mother saw that". Keep in mind, everyone at the table could hear him. I was utterly embarrassed and had to excuse myself to the washroom.

 

 

I agree about the unsettling part especially with children involved. I understand, and believe me my son is my first priority. I've often asked him how he could do this and feel no remorse and why he would abruptly leave and disrupt the children's lives.

 

 

I think I have stayed "stuck" sort of speak because I wanted to believe that our fairy-tale romance wasn't all a fraud, but I am starting to really see things for what they are. He used me to supply his emotional need for affirmation and validation and when I started to figure out he was not all he pretends to be (the constant lies), he started seeking his emotional fix outside our relationship and probably knows he can't go back because he can no longer pretend to be that sweet man I fell in love with.

[1DAY]

 

 

He's insincere, unstable, narcissistic (a comparison, not a diagnosis)

....

 

 

I think you're on to something here with the narcissistic comment. He has very low self esteem from growing up in an abusive household. His father was extremely abusive and his mother became suicidal as a result and tried to kill herself right in front of my ex-fiancé.

 

 

My ex was very emotionally needy. Needs constant affirmation and validation, very jealous and insecure and always felt like a "failure". He would turn innocent comments into something that wasn't meant. He has the ability to interpret any message in the most negative way it could possibly be interpreted. For instance, we went to a high-end restaurant for a Sunday brunch on Mother's Day. He had never been there before and I had. I asked him if he was comfortable with the atmosphere and if he was enjoying the food. He interpreted this as I didn't think he was "good enough" to be in a place like that.....and that I was pointing out that he was "out of place". He later told me in an argument "I fell out of love with you the second you asked me if I was comfortable in the restaurant". I was absolutely floored.

[Gus Grimly]

I said "owwww" and moved his arm....he became enraged instantly and responded with "wow, did you just do that in front of my entire family. You took my arm off of you. My own mother saw that". Keep in mind, everyone at the table could hear him. I was utterly embarrassed and had to excuse myself to the washroom.

 

Does that seem normal to you? Do people usually make a scene in public over something like that? I think not. The natural response in that situation would be "oh I'm sorry, are you okay?" At least that's how I would reacted.

 

It's good you've cut back on the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant, so keep that in mind. Good to know your depression is improving. It seems like your eyes are starting to open and you're becoming aware of the reality of your relationship. I hope you can get through this unscathed.

Edited July 22, 2015 by Gus Grimly

[1DAY]

The natural response in that situation would be "oh I'm sorry, are you okay?"

 

 

That was my thought also...but he made me feel like I had done something wrong.

[TaraMaiden2]

That was my thought also...but he made me feel like I had done something wrong.

 

Yeah...manipulative, aggressive abusers can do that.

 

I really think you need to take a step back and realise he is LIKE HIS FATHER.

 

People who come from dysfunctional families, do one of two things:

 

They either do a complete 180, and determine that come what may, whatever happens, they will never, ever, EVER succumb to that kind of behaviour - and absolutely physically and psychologically walk away from the dysfunction -

 

OR -

 

 

They end up becoming what they most despise.

 

I wasn't kidding when I said you dodged a bullet.

And now we know his father drove his mother to suicide....

 

can you see the pattern?

 

Do you see how abusive men can destroy the very thing they should love more than anything on earth - by draining it of any goodness, kindness and compassion?

 

you see how he seems hell-bent on 'killing' you?

 

Please: Never, ever have anything to do with him, ever again.

 

I just wish you could remove your son from his tutelage.

[d0nnivain]

Why would a man come on so strong like prince charming, propose marriage, and then jerk me around?

 

Why he's doing this is not as important as the fact that he IS doing this. He's shown his true colors. Since he lied about other things you have to assume that he lied when he claimed lack of intimacy was the reason he bolted.

 

you dodged a bullet.

[Downtown]

Day, I agree with Gus that you're describing a man you cannot trust -- primarily because he is too insecure to be capable of trusting you and thus can turn on you at any time.

I have been reading a lot and wonder if he is a sadistic sociopath as he seems to not have any remorse for anything he's done....maybe Borderline? He has never had any ability to control his emotions.

I agree with you that you're describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, as TaraMaiden suggests, those for narcissism as well. If you're interested, you may want to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your Ex's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD (and NPD) may help you avoid a very painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like the one you left (if he has strong BPD traits). Take care, Day.

[foolinlove79]

Always be wary of people who come on very strong at the start. They say all the right things and confess their love early. You think you have met a great guy. But these people can also turn that off just as fast. Its very scary. My ex was like that too.

 

And the uhaul thing to get you to fight for his love. Wtf!!! A normal person who cared about you would of had a discussion about his issues and not played games.

 

This guy is going to make yoi miserable. He will keep leaving you too. Thank your lucky stars you didnt marry him.

[1DAY]

Day, I agree with Gus that you're describing a man you cannot trust -- primarily because he is too insecure to be capable of trusting you and thus can turn on you at any time.

 

I agree with you that you're describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, as TaraMaiden suggests, those for narcissism as well. If you're interested, you may want to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your Ex's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD (and NPD) may help you avoid a very painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like the one you left (if he has strong BPD traits). Take care, Day.

 

 

Hi Downtown,

 

 

Thank you for your reply. I read your 18 BPD warning signs and yes I've seen a lot of this behavior with my ex. In particular his anger and inability to regulate his emotions. This causes him to act "impulsively", such as abruptly packing up his belongings and moving out when he sensed that the relationship was in trouble and that I may actually LEAVE HIM! Ie. that fear of abandonment. He also displayed this behaviour if I asked for "space" during an argument to formulate my thoughts. He became irrational and pushed for answers immediately. It seemed like every issue in his head manifested itself as the "end of the relationship".

 

 

I couldn't even begin to tell you the number of times my ex has displayed anger that just didn't seem warranted for the situation at hand, and if the situation did warrant anger, the magnitude of anger was off the charts. Jealously was also a big factor in our relationship. My ex didn't maintain relationships outside of ours. I encouraged him to see friends (he only has two close friends) but he never did. He also has a strained relationship with his parents and siblings. When I would go to leave the house, he'd often make comments about my clothes and ask me if I was going to "get numbers" while out with my friends. If we were in large groups together, he'd ask me if I found other men around attractive. It was very odd behaviour.

 

 

My ex always dominates conversations too. Even my friends and family noticed that it didn't matter what we were discussing, it would always somehow come back to him and he had no problem interrupting people and cutting them off. He loved to be the centre of attention and needed constant validation and affirmation from those around him. Another thing worth mentioning is the fact that since our break up, he has said things to me like "I controlled him" or "tried to change him". I never did these things, and he can't seem to give me any examples. He just says "I did things I thought would make you happy, not me". I feel like this was his way of conforming to appear perfect for me and then later resented me for his own actions. I never asked him to be something he wasn't.

 

 

I also recall a time early in our relationship where I had gotten upset with my ex, so he lied about being in the hospital for sympathy and attention. I felt like it was a lie at the time and even told him as much, but he didn't admit to it until months later and by this time we were already engaged and living together so I tried to move past it.

 

 

My head is spinning. My heart is reeling. The pain is unbearable. I feel so foolish for being played by such a manipulator. From your experience with BPD, do these people have short term relationships? He has a history of short, chaotic relationships where he is always the victim and the nice guy that finished last.

Edited July 23, 2015 by 1DAY

[mightycpa]

I think it is your fault for sticking around. Three things are certain. There is pain in maintaining the relationship, and there will be pain if you end it piecemeal, and there will be pain when you end it completely.

 

The only question you have to answer for yourself it how long you want to endure the pain that will come from having and ending this relationship.

[pidgeon1010]

This is advice that I posted to others on here and i'm reposting because I think it's very relevant to your circumstances:

 

Be careful of a man who acts too eager in the beginning and seems too good to be true because chances are he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming. This is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

 

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be so into someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

 

BEWARE OF THESE SIGNS: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first.

 

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it.

 

You need to distance yourself from this man and concentrate on your wellbeing and your son's wellbeing. Stop having sex with him, that's not going to win him back. He is just making excuses and wants to have his cake and eat it too. Everything you have described sounds toxic.

[1DAY]

I think it is your fault for sticking around. Three things are certain. There is pain in maintaining the relationship, and there will be pain if you end it piecemeal, and there will be pain when you end it completely.

 

The only question you have to answer for yourself it how long you want to endure the pain that will come from having and ending this relationship.

 

 

This was a little harsh, don't you think? I have been effectively abused and manipulated by another human being. He brought me so low I was put on medication for depression. If everything was as black and white as you make it out to be, there would be no need for me to post here.

 

 

Thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, personally, I dislike the words 'fault' and 'blame'.

 

In this instance, it is entirely HIS fault, and he is to BLAME for the appalling way in which he has treated you, throughout.

 

His attitude, behaviour and general character leave a great deal to be desired and I think it goes without saying that he is an abusive, dysfunctional, mixed-up and psychologically dangerous man, in that he is manipulative, he projects his faults onto you (narcissists do this: Whatever criticism is correctly levelled at them, they will turn it round on "you", because that trait cannot possibly apply to them! They see it, they know it, they recognise it. But they refuse to own it, and would rather project and deflect.).

 

However:

 

You must take RESPONSIBILITY for your actions: See where you went awry, and rather than protect yourself and distance yourself from the toxic dysfunctional atmosphere of the relationship, you blindly sought to remedy, re-balance and put things right.

 

But I suspect that, even as you struggled to walk on the egg-shells and keep everything on an even keel, you knew - you KNEW - something was terribly, terribly wrong.

Looking back now, it's really easy for you to see where you repeatedly took a left when you should have gone right.

 

That's fine.

 

Own it, take it on the chin and simply vow that nobody will ever treat you that way, again.

You will SEE the flags. You'll hear the alarm bells.

You will instinctively know which way to go.

 

Taking responsibility takes courage and nerve.

it means acknowledging that we could have done better.

 

That's ok.

Start again today.

One step at a time. Just one.

 

And before you know it, you'll be miles ahead of the game....

 

"My Fiance left me abruptly...."

 

...And I really cannot thank him enough for the favour he's done me!

[mightycpa]

My little observation is surely not the harshest thing in your life right now. If anything, the glare of my spotlight on your problem might be the thing that makes the pain go away (and the need to take medicine) the quickest. I think that's entirely up to you.

 

What are you trying to say, that your continuing misery is HIS fault? Exercise your free will, and be your own best friend here.

[TaraMaiden2]

My little observation is surely not the harshest thing in your life right now. If anything, the glare of my spotlight on your problem might be the thing that makes the pain go away (and the need to take medicine) the quickest. I think that's entirely up to you.

 

What are you trying to say, that your continuing misery is HIS fault? Exercise your free will, and be your own best friend here.

 

 

"There's no need to be such an insensitive crass tactless moron, you idiot. Sheesh, there are ways and there are ways, and your picker is definitely off balance, jerk!"

 

As opposed to -

 

...."Sometimes it is kinder to be more sensitive to someone who is still in the depths of pain, and express a strong sentiment a little more gently, without losing the original intention."

 

The harsh, brash and abrupt opinion is often merited. Oh yes.

In my experience, however, (Thanks, Mods!) it rarely has the desired effect, and is less effective in that instant, than gentleness....

[Gus Grimly]

Don't beat yourself up. You were trying to make the relationship work. You didn't just see the first red flag and run. You stood by your man and all his idiosyncrasies. That's a noble trait you have, to see the good in people. It can also be a burden, because your fiance's behavior became a cross to bear.

 

You seem distraught right now, that understandable. Try to get a hold of your emotions and know that you are loved. You have a son who loves you unconditionally and needs his mom. Be there for him, tell him everything is gonna be okay, and it will.

 

You've made the right choice to leave this disgrace of a human being who preyed on your emotions and fed off your fears. You're weakness was that you let yourself be fooled by a skilled con artist. You've learned a hard lesson. You're gonna be okay, I promise, just keep your chin up.

[mightycpa]

"There's no need to be such an insensitive crass tactless moron, you idiot. Sheesh, there are ways and there are ways, and your picker is definitely off balance, jerk!"

 

As opposed to -

 

...."Sometimes it is kinder to be more sensitive to someone who is still in the depths of pain, and express a strong sentiment a little more gently, without losing the original intention."

 

The harsh, brash and abrupt opinion is often merited. Oh yes.

In my experience, however, (Thanks, Mods!) it rarely has the desired effect, and is less effective in that instant, than gentleness....

Luckily, she gets the full spectrum, and can pick and choose which way she likes to read the same advice being delivered over and over and over again.

 

That's the luxury that this place delivers. You hear the same thing a million different ways, and hopefully one of them resonates with you.

[Downtown]

He has said things to me like "I controlled him" or "tried to change him". I never did these things, and he can't seem to give me any examples.

Day, if he exhibits strong traits of only narcissism or sociopathy, such claims likely are lies or rationalizations intended to manipulate you. Yet, if he has strong BPD traits as you suspect, he likely is truly believing that you were very controlling. Because BPDers have fragile egos and a weak sense of who they are, they seek out partners having a strong personality who will give them a sense of identity and direction.

 

But, when you provide a BPDer EXACTLY THAT -- i.e., the very thing he desperately wants -- he will feel controlled and engulfed by you. Similarly, in the same way a BPDer is searching for someone to provide identity, he also craves intimacy and love like nearly all other people do. Yet, when you provide that intimacy -- like providing the identity he seeks -- you will trigger that very same feeling of being controlled and suffocated.

 

Sadly, when a person has a fragile ego and weak sense of self, it is impossible to draw close to him without triggering that great fear of engulfment. It is a scary feeling wherein he feels like he's losing his own identity and becoming lost inside you. Not surprisingly, BPDers have extremely low personal boundaries and thus have great difficulty telling where their personality and problems stop and yours begin.

 

My BPDer exW, for example, often felt like I was controlling her. If I surprised her with a gift, I was controlling everything because I was the one to pick it out and CHOOSE the color. If I bought a gift she had expressed interest in, I was being controlling because I was the one to decide WHEN it was bought. If I gave her a generous monthly allowance for her discretionary spending, I was being controlling because I was the one to determine the budget AMOUNT. I therefore found it was impossible to give her anything without her somehow feeling I was the one in full control. If you're interested, you will find a more detailed explanation of a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at my posts in Rebel's Thread.

 

From your experience with BPD, do these people have short term relationships? He has a history of short, chaotic relationships where he is always the victim and the nice guy that finished last.

Generally, yes, BPDers tend to run through far more R/S than other people. However, when they fall in love with excessive caregivers (like me) or narcissists, the R/S can last many years. My experience is that, with caregivers, the R/S typically lasts 12-15 years.

 

The caregivers, of course, typically will hold on forever, always believing that -- if they can only figure out what THEY are doing wrong -- they can restore the BPDer to that wonderful person they saw at the beginning. Hence, it usually is the BPDer who walks out of the R/S at the end. As the years go by, the BPDer's abandonment fear keeps growing as he/she sees her body aging -- and the BPDer's resentment keeps growing because his partner keeps failing to make him happy (an impossible task).

 

Surprisingly, the R/S between BPDers and narcissists can be very long lasting. The narcissist offers the stability and identity that the BPDer sorely needs. And the BPDer offers the frequent adulation and validation that the narcissist sorely wants. Moreover, the frequent fighting provides a blessed relief to both of them. It gives them relief from the intimacy that both crave but can tolerate only for brief periods. The fighting, then, provides the mini-vacations from intimacy that both BPDers and narcissists want. This, at least, is my understanding, Day.

[NoLeafClover]

my ex was a compulsive liar...your relationship sounds similar to one of my relationships.

 

I think the problem with dating a compulsive liar is that you can never re-cope once that trust is gone.

You will constantly wonder and question things and fight because you are constantly feeling betrayed or that something else is up that you don't know about. After some type you will feel like you are the crazy one because situations get better then worse then better and worse again and again.

It is so stressful and tiring you forget the main thing, that relationships are suppose to be fun and bring you happiness.

 

I know this situations too well and it is sad that people do this but you can not change them.

 

Please take care of yourself and btw, I truly believe he is probably talking or dating another woman. Usually when someone goes hot and cold like that, that have other options to run to.

[1DAY]

Day, if he exhibits strong traits of only narcissism or sociopathy, such claims likely are lies or rationalizations intended to manipulate you. Yet, if he has strong BPD traits as you suspect, he likely is truly believing that you were very controlling. Because BPDers have fragile egos and a weak sense of who they are, they seek out partners having a strong personality who will give them a sense of identity and direction.

 

But, when you provide a BPDer EXACTLY THAT -- i.e., the very thing he desperately wants -- he will feel controlled and engulfed by you. Similarly, in the same way a BPDer is searching for someone to provide identity, he also craves intimacy and love like nearly all other people do. Yet, when you provide that intimacy -- like providing the identity he seeks -- you will trigger that very same feeling of being controlled and suffocated.

 

Sadly, when a person has a fragile ego and weak sense of self, it is impossible to draw close to him without triggering that great fear of engulfment. It is a scary feeling wherein he feels like he's losing his own identity and becoming lost inside you. Not surprisingly, BPDers have extremely low personal boundaries and thus have great difficulty telling where their personality and problems stop and yours begin.

 

My BPDer exW, for example, often felt like I was controlling her. If I surprised her with a gift, I was controlling everything because I was the one to pick it out and CHOOSE the color. If I bought a gift she had expressed interest in, I was being controlling because I was the one to decide WHEN it was bought. If I gave her a generous monthly allowance for her discretionary spending, I was being controlling because I was the one to determine the budget AMOUNT. I therefore found it was impossible to give her anything without her somehow feeling I was the one in full control. If you're interested, you will find a more detailed explanation of a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at my posts in Rebel's Thread.

 

 

Generally, yes, BPDers tend to run through far more R/S than other people. However, when they fall in love with excessive caregivers (like me) or narcissists, the R/S can last many years. My experience is that, with caregivers, the R/S typically lasts 12-15 years.

 

The caregivers, of course, typically will hold on forever, always believing that -- if they can only figure out what THEY are doing wrong -- they can restore the BPDer to that wonderful person they saw at the beginning. Hence, it usually is the BPDer who walks out of the R/S at the end. As the years go by, the BPDer's abandonment fear keeps growing as he/she sees her body aging -- and the BPDer's resentment keeps growing because his partner keeps failing to make him happy (an impossible task).

 

Surprisingly, the R/S between BPDers and narcissists can be very long lasting. The narcissist offers the stability and identity that the BPDer sorely needs. And the BPDer offers the frequent adulation and validation that the narcissist sorely wants. Moreover, the frequent fighting provides a blessed relief to both of them. It gives them relief from the intimacy that both crave but can tolerate only for brief periods. The fighting, then, provides the mini-vacations from intimacy that both BPDers and narcissists want. This, at least, is my understanding, Day.

 

 

I am a caregiver by nature and also a mother, which makes me a nurturer. I definitely tried to "care" for him as best I could. Hoping he would see my effort one day and realize I love him and become that person he was in the beginning, but nothing ever made him feel secure. I would tell him I love him and he would say "no you don't". I would tell him he is my best friend and he would say "no I'm not". It was tiring trying to fill his insatiable need to be validated and affirmed all the time. Everything that came out of my mouth was a perceived criticism, even the most innocent of comments could be turned around into a put down in his mind.

 

 

I don't know if my ex is borderline, sociopath, narcissistic, or the like. All I do know is there is something very disturbing about his behaviour and he will not admit to needing any sort of help or even being at fault for anything that has happened.