Eighty_nine Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I had no idea how to word the title of this thread, so bear with me. I've always had this fear, in all of my relationships that if we had too much "quiet", not-laughy, non-chatty time, it was a sign of a problem. But I tend to feel like any time like this is a bad sign, and I know that can't be true. I've been dating someone for about 3 months, and the vast majority of the time we spend together, we're talking, laughing, having a good/interesting time in some capacity. We've 'clicked' since we met. Of course, sometimes we might just hang out, watch TV or a movie and cuddle without saying much. But I always have a bad feeling after these kind of hangouts, like we must be tiring of each other. It's silly because no one can be ON all of the time. It's like if it's not a comedy show between us when we're together, I feel that something's wrong. He never acts differently toward me after nights like this either, so I know this fear is totally within me. Does anyone else feel this kind of pressure to always have a super-awesome-great-time? 1
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Until I met my husband I too was afraid of the quiet. I worked hard to be "on" to be witty, entertaining, funny & it felt like in constant motion. The ability to simply sit & be & connect with the other person in silence is amazing. 2
GemmaUK Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 No I never felt that unless when we were 'having fun' we didn't really connect very well. Quiet is blissful and so relaxed. It can seem awkward at first but it takes no time to be one of the most amazing things. 1
Empyrea Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Yes! Familiar feeling indeed. It's quite common for me to feel like that with a new person, it might be an insecurity thing, I need to prove that I'm funny, witty and stimulating and if the conversation lulls, then I panic. With some people it's really easy to get to that phase where the silence also feels comfortable, but with some people I never get there, and those are the relationships that don't last of course.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Watch the scene from Pulp Fiction with Uma Thurman's monologue on "comfortable silence". AWESOME! It's funny though. When you're with friends or family, silence happens naturally and feels comfortable right? So why do people have a "silence insecurity" in romance? It's never made any sense to me. For me personally, if a woman doesn't know to be comfortable in silence, it's a deal breaker.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I think there is a difference between casually dating someone and being in a relationship. Although I might have experienced some version of this at various points in my life they often were with men I was casually dating or with whom I was still trying to establish something. As with most full on relationships, there comes a point where you finally find that comfortable groove where silence is no longer frightening and becomes blissful. And that's where the real magic begins 1
wb1988 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 It depends. There are people that expect it and get easily bored, there's a big difference between happy-quiet and bored-quiet. You can dates that are great without much conversation and you can have dates with lots of conversation that in general were pretty boring or too friendly. When you're in a relationship where the both of you can be quiet and still have a good time then that means you've finally reached that perfect point. DOn't overthink it.
mystikmind2005 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Guys will understand this more... when your driving a car hard and fast, it covers over the problems with the bad tuning which you only notice when the car is idling. I think this can be the same with relationships, when your active and having fun etc etc it covers over the small problems which become more evident when your both quiet. 1
Dreamworld Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Yes!! It is always so much fun in the beginning because you are getting to know each other and everything is new and every new discovery is amazing....I always do great until that stage you are talking about, yes, usually two to three months in, when the fireworks have died down a bit and then you start getting lulls in the conversation, or quieter moments sitting at a meal together....I start kinda freaking out too and these thoughts run through my head like "is he getting bored of me? Are we already running out of things to say?" Which is why I am on this forum time and again wondering if I am trusting my instincts or unconsciously sabotaging a relationship due to my own fears!
Dreamworld Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I also do think I may have slight intimacy fears too because of a turbulent past so I really try not to overthink it, but I do get scared of being hurt again so it is a lot of an issue within me, I know.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I don't know... For me silence always indicated lack of connection. With people I am most comfortable with, we are pretty much never silent. I have so many thoughts that when I am at ease, I just express them unfiltered. It doesn't feel like a performance. Not expressing them is more of an effort. When I don't know people well, I am often cautious and silent because I am trying to make a good impression and am picky on what to say. I can quickly feel disconnected with silence. Even when watching a movie, I like to discuss the plot. When I am not talking, I am usually somewhere else in my mind. I think everyone has different priorities. I would take a great conversational click and lukewarm sex over great sex and lukewarm conversation. I need a quick thinker with an active mind. 1
Author Eighty_nine Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I don't know... For me silence always indicated lack of connection. With people I am most comfortable with, we are pretty much never silent. I have so many thoughts that when I am at ease, I just express them unfiltered. It doesn't feel like a performance. Not expressing them is more of an effort. When I don't know people well, I am often cautious and silent because I am trying to make a good impression and am picky on what to say. But I'm talking about relationships with 90% chatting and laughing, so it's not indicative of lack of connection. I mean I feel uncomfortable with even the unusual quiet times, and I think I gotta get over that.
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