JackkBanditt Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Good afternoon, Loveshack! It's been awhile since I've posted (under a different user name that I have completely forgot the password for), but lately I've been looking for some direction. This forum helped a couple years ago and I'm hoping for similar results today. I'll try and make this short and sweet: In 2008 I started dating a great girl and we stayed together for almost 5 years. To be honest, the relationship was great. There was hardly any fighting and we were both there for each other during some hard times. A little over 2 years ago, we decided to go on a break. The break was fairly short (largely in part to my pressure (which I deeply regret)) and we broke up for good. Unfortunately, I did not handle the situation as elegantly as I would have liked and said some hurtful things during our last conversation at the time. She immediately started seeing someone else (they are still together, I believe) and I packed up my things and moved to another state. I went no contact, and while she reached out a couple times in very passive ways, we remained silent to each other. Last October I had emergency surgery and while I was recuperating at home, I had this feeling I couldn't shake. What if that nasty conversation was the last thing I ever said to this person? This woman who I was (and am?) deeply in love with. I decided that I didn't want that and reached out to her via text message only. I simply stated that I was sorry for how things ended and that I didn't want that to be the last impression I left her with. The conversation was short, exactly what I wanted it to be. Fast forward to today. I feel very pathetic to admit this, BUT, I still love this girl. I've tried it all to get over her. She's still blocked on social media so I don't see her posts on mutual friends' walls, I've got a new job and was promoted quickly, made a ton of new friends in my new state, started training jiu jitsu again, and started dating some. Unfortunately, I STILL involuntarily compare any girl I date to her and no one has made me feel even a quarter of the love I have for her. I steer clear of her and I'm glad that she found someone that can make her happy, but this is getting ridiculous. Is it possible that I found my true love with this girl, messed it all up (granted, we both have fault here) and now if I don't settle for someone, I'll just be alone? Is there anything to be said for saying "Screw it" and just telling her how I feel? I know I said I'd keep this short, but apparently, I lied to you all. I appreciate any and all feedback!
Helium78 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Hello there, I new here so forgive me if I'm being presumptuous to reply. Is there a forum etiquette in this?? I don't know... But, I'll share my thoughts all the same. I don't think you're pathetic to admit anything, if it's what you're feeling then it needs recognising. I also think it's only natural to compare other people you've dated to someone from the past. I think that's human nature. I'm 8 months into the break-up of my marriage and I have to say, I think you're so strong to keep up the 'no contact'. My morbid curiosity won't allow me not to take the occasional, actually regular, look at what he, and his new girlfriend are up to on social media. My ex and I have to maintain contact because of our daughter, and I have to say, when I see him, his negative points are more apparent each time and I'm learning a new sense of relief each time he leaves that I don't have to cope with any of that anymore. Someone once told me that when a relationship ends, you only remember the good times. Maybe by not having any contact, you've placed a perfect-status on this girl...? Maybe she is? I don't know, obviously. Without the contact after the break-up you don't have the reminders of why you broke up in the first place. This is just my opinion, I'm in no way an expert!
NopeNah Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 When you compare a new chick to your ex is both natural and good. You're looking for what you want and don't want again,at the same time. Just go with the flow. You and your ex split for a reason(s),either hers or yours(doesn't matter). Just enjoy everyday the best you can!
NopeNah Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Someone once told me that when a relationship ends, you only remember the good times. Maybe by not having any contact, you've placed a perfect-status on this girl...? Maybe she is? I don't know, obviously. Without the contact after the break-up you don't have the reminders of why you broke up in the first place. They were correct!
casey.lives Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 If she was available i'd encourage it but she's in a relationship.. she moved on.
Honey565 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Good afternoon, Loveshack! It's been awhile since I've posted (under a different user name that I have completely forgot the password for), but lately I've been looking for some direction. This forum helped a couple years ago and I'm hoping for similar results today. I'll try and make this short and sweet: In 2008 I started dating a great girl and we stayed together for almost 5 years. To be honest, the relationship was great. There was hardly any fighting and we were both there for each other during some hard times. A little over 2 years ago, we decided to go on a break. The break was fairly short (largely in part to my pressure (which I deeply regret)) and we broke up for good. Unfortunately, I did not handle the situation as elegantly as I would have liked and said some hurtful things during our last conversation at the time. She immediately started seeing someone else (they are still together, I believe) and I packed up my things and moved to another state. I went no contact, and while she reached out a couple times in very passive ways, we remained silent to each other. Last October I had emergency surgery and while I was recuperating at home, I had this feeling I couldn't shake. What if that nasty conversation was the last thing I ever said to this person? This woman who I was (and am?) deeply in love with. I decided that I didn't want that and reached out to her via text message only. I simply stated that I was sorry for how things ended and that I didn't want that to be the last impression I left her with. The conversation was short, exactly what I wanted it to be. Fast forward to today. I feel very pathetic to admit this, BUT, I still love this girl. I've tried it all to get over her. She's still blocked on social media so I don't see her posts on mutual friends' walls, I've got a new job and was promoted quickly, made a ton of new friends in my new state, started training jiu jitsu again, and started dating some. Unfortunately, I STILL involuntarily compare any girl I date to her and no one has made me feel even a quarter of the love I have for her. I steer clear of her and I'm glad that she found someone that can make her happy, but this is getting ridiculous. Is it possible that I found my true love with this girl, messed it all up (granted, we both have fault here) and now if I don't settle for someone, I'll just be alone? Is there anything to be said for saying "Screw it" and just telling her how I feel? I know I said I'd keep this short, but apparently, I lied to you all. I appreciate any and all feedback! Reach her and tell you what you feel. Maybe she feels the same, maybe not...you will never know if you don't try. The fact that she is in the relationship means nothing. She can be truly happy or unhappy...you can't know that. Always follow your feelings and act according to them. Then you can move on, knowing that you did everything in your power and that it was just not meant to be. If she is truly happy and moved on, she will tell you that and then you will be able to move on. But maybe she hopes that you will come back, apologize and realize your mistakes. We never know that. Thats why we take courage, act and accept response as it is. Most probably she will say NO, but in the end of the day, you can continue your life calm. It was not meant to be, she found happiness with somebody else, so you will find as well now as older, more mature and wiser. It is how it works.
spiderowl Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I think at least some of the problem is that bonding happens and is very powerful. That feeling that they are 'the one', the only one, our mate, is not something we can shake off very easily. Because it is a strong feeling, it is very easy to assume that the person who generated that feeling originally is everything we desire and no-one can compare with him/her. However, once you realise that bonding can occur with someone else, but that you won't necessarily feel it instantly because of the pre-existing stuck feeling, it opens your mind to new possibilities. It is possible to feel that way about someone new, if only you can see the difference between bonding and the appeal of a particular personality.
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