Boyfriend doesn't think there's room for compromise over me going out with friends.

July 22, 2015

We've been together 5 and 1/2 years, but lately, things have gone downhill. We never fight, but our only issue has revolved around me going out with friends.

Before we lived together, I went out maybe twice a week, and it was never a problem to him. Currently, it's still summertime, so with no school to occupy my time at the moment, I like to grab a beer with my friends for a few hours. Now, I maybe meet up with my friends 3/4 times a week.

My boyfriend gets upset that I'm "leaving him" because he has nothing to do when I'm gone, but he doesn't like going out places or hanging out with friends and expects me to do the same. Lately, I've found some independence and confidence, and I think he's scared that other guys will hit on me (even though I turn all the guys that hit on me down). He can be very mean and will put down my friends, as if we're always doing something immoral when we're together. He claims I'm not being productive or doing anything useful with myself, but when I do bring up productive things I've been working on lately, I get a snarky comment like, "I highly doubt that."

I've tried to compromise with him by doing dinner, a movie, etc. with him for a few hours before I go off to do anything else, but he told me that's not good enough. He says that in some situations, there shouldn't be room for compromise. He gave me an ultimatum stating that I had to choose between him and my friends, but I don't think that's fair. He also tried to argue that this wasn't an ultimatum.

I've tried to explain that when school starts back, I'll be extremely busy and won't have time to see my friends, so right now, I'm just enjoying myself. Despite me insisting that I'm the same person, and despite us having a great time together when we're alone, he insists that I've changed for the worse and refuses to work anything out with me until "I change my ways."

He is adamantly stubborn about his position on this. The past few weeks, we've been spending time apart, but he called me yesterday and wants to break up because of this. I've tried to explain that just because he doesn't get enjoyment from the activities that I do doesn't make them wrong and doesn't mean we should break up over it, but he disagrees. What do I do? Can I fix it?

July 22, 2015

They say you never know a person until you live with them. He kept that well hidden until you both were under the same roof.

It may have been a really bad idea for you two to move in together. Who needed to move in more: you or him?

It might be a good idea to re-read this post and think about how you want to live your life. I'm quite certain you don't need a father figure trying to control you. If he's too dull that he can't figure out anything to do with his time while you're visiting your friends and his answer is that you stay home and keep him company while he does nothing, then you've thrown in with the wrong guy.

"Do as I say and don't question me or else I'm going to make your life hell" is no way to live. This relationship is not going to work out because you two are not compatible. Unless your friends are driving a wedge between you and your guy, then you dont' have to give up their friendship in order to keep him from not being an insecure dolt.

IN the meantime, you probably would be well served by looking into getting out of that lease and back into your own place, unless you want a control freak chasing off everyone else in your life because they can't occupy themselves when you're gone, other than conjuring up lies to justify not having any interests in their life.

Edited July 22, 2015 by kendahke

July 22, 2015

Despite me insisting that I'm the same person

But you're not the same person. You just wrote a paragraph describing how you've matured and you feel more independent and confident. You've grown. Apparently, he's not looking for a grownup. He's looking for an emotional child that he can control, and that is no longer you.

You are allowed to have friends. You are allowed to have beers with them. If he would rather stay home, then that's his problem, not yours. Making it your problem is toxic.

As a pretty good rule of thumb, when someone gives you an ultimatum of "it's me or them," just by having made such an ultimatum, the best answer is usually "them."

July 22, 2015

There are 7 days in a week. Before you lived with him you saw friends 2-3 times a week leaving 4-5 days for your BF Now that you live together you go out with friends more, the majority of the week. I can see where your BF feels that he is less of a priority.

Compromise is in order. You need to go out less. Can your friends come over to your place? Your BF also needs to go out more. Perhaps if he agreed to once per week. Then you have 2 other nights with friends leaving 4 nights for couple time.

July 22, 2015

If you are spending more and more time away from him, that means you are having less interest in him. Don't go blaming all this on him, it's the both of you.....you both are drifting apart because of incompatibility.

He has different ideas of what he wants in a GF......the way you used to be. You have changed, which is a normal process of life. In order for a relationship to work for the long haul, you both must grow and change together. If you both are now being too different for each other, maybe it's time to move on.

July 22, 2015

He's controlling, insecure, and needy clingy.

Tell him it's your way or the highway, he can have you whatever nights you're around or not at all.

July 22, 2015

If I had just moved in with a boyfriend and he'd be out 4 times a week for beer with his friends I would have a problem to.

You were not ready to move in and embark on a life together. It's one thing to have friends while in a relationship and it's another to devote 4 nights a week to alcohol and friends.

July 22, 2015

I agree with the sentiment that the BF is not entirely to blame. Sure he should develop something to do when he's alone, but you moved in together and one would expect that you enjoy quiet times together. Going out to drink with friends 3-4 nights a week sounds like a lot to me also. He might legitimately be wondering why doesn't she value the alone time you could both have together. What can he expect for your future together when half the time you're out drinking with friends (and being hit on--yes you're turning those guys down to your credit, but will you turn down every single one of the next 500 approaches?) Maybe twice a week with friends would be okay with him?

Another person suggested having friends over at your house. That sounds to me like a good idea (even so, not 4 times a week!).

Or, put the ball on his court: does he have something lined up that you can both enjoy together instead of you going out? Or do you not find his plans attractive enough?

July 22, 2015

Maybe 3-4x per week with friends is too much for some, personally I wouldn't have an issue with it, I value my alone time and I have things to do and people to do it with.

But the issue here is that the boyfriend is "All or None", him or the friends, and he's going to end the relationship if she doesn't do it his way.

No room for compromise there, it's a dealbreaker.

July 22, 2015

It's sounds like the two of you have grown in different directions over the last five years and if you're still in school, the relationship began when you were young.

Think it's time to let him go. When relationships near their expiry date, people find negative reasons to justify breaking up.

July 22, 2015

No room for compromise there, it's a dealbreaker.

^^ QFT ^^

OP, you & your BF have a lot to talk about. If neither of you will compromise you might as well call a mover & call this off.

July 22, 2015

He's being unreasonable, jealous, childish, insecure, controlling, and insulting. It's not your responsibility to entertain him every hour of the day. Doesn't he have hobbies or interests he can spend time on while you're doing your thing?

Especially given that he's threatening to break up over this, I think you should let him go. He's behaving like a child.

July 22, 2015

I've tried to compromise with him by doing dinner, a movie, etc. with him for a few hours before I go off to do anything else, but he told me that's not good enough. He says that in some situations, there shouldn't be room for compromise. He gave me an ultimatum stating that I had to choose between him and my friends, but I don't think that's fair.

Okay this is totally controlling.

There is always room for compromise and in THIS case a "healthy" compromise would be for you to cut back on your time with your friends from 3-4 times per week....to 1-2 times per week. Or 3 tops, but not every week. Most weeks 1-2 times a week is completely reasonable.

That ultimatum he gave you was completely out of line, controlling and manipulative.

I would NEVER tolerate that.... I would tell him that just because HE has no friends, that does not mean he gets to control how often you see yours. Be firm when you say this...and don't allow him to twist things in his favor. He is being completely unreasonable.

Pfft.

Edited July 22, 2015 by katiegrl

July 22, 2015

You've offered a reasonable compromise and solution to the "problem" which, to be perfectly frank is HIS problem, not yours.

Your problem is that you have a controlling and childish boyfriend. He wants his way. He doesn't want you associating with your friends. And he doesn't make an effort to like your friends. RED FLAG #1

He can be mean. He belittles you. And he's jealous. RED FLAG #2

This is not "one of those situations" where there is no compromise. That's just being immature.

Despite what he thinks or says, he's made an ultimatum about something that can easily be solved through compromise.

If you give in to him, he will know he can control you because that's what he's doing. So think about how your life will be with him in the future.

He might just be doing you a favor by breaking up with you.

BIG red flags here.

July 22, 2015

*My boyfriend gets upset that I'm "leaving him" because he has nothing to do when I'm gone

If he isn't completely paralysed, he's fully capable of finding ways to amuse himself.

July 22, 2015

Look, you're going to have to be firm with him and just tell him no. It's not fair for him to expect you to live his boring life or give up your friends. He's being a majorly selfish ahole, and I don't know what you've done to let it get this far, but it's time to stand up to him and get mad and frown and not have sex and tell him no and to shut up about it.

July 23, 2015

The Evil Trinity that can make a man into a Zombie:

Apathy

Passivity

Naïveté

(They avoid non-being, by not being.)

July 23, 2015

In his shoes, I'd feel upset too.

And I don't think placating him with "dinner before you run off to do something else" is anything close to a compromise. I think compromise is what you were doing before, 2-3x a week.

In a relationship with a live-in SO, you should be spending more of your free time with your SO than your friends.

July 23, 2015

Look if your going out 3-4 times a week then to me it's obvious that your not ready to settle down. Am I faulting you? No. I'm just pointing out that if you like the social life that much then maybe being in a relationship isn't a good thing right now.

Maybe you guys need to end things and he can find a girl who likes spending quiet evenings at home and you can have your social life without having to answering to anyone.

July 23, 2015

Okay this is totally controlling.

There is always room for compromise and in THIS case a "healthy" compromise would be for you to cut back on your time with your friends from 3-4 times per week....to 1-2 times per week. Or 3 tops, but not every week. Most weeks 1-2 times a week is completely reasonable.

That ultimatum he gave you was completely out of line, controlling and manipulative.
.

^^^^^^^^

Good advice.

OK first off, he does sounds a bit insecure and controlling.

I hated when my GF tried to control me going out.

But that was like once or occasionally twice a week.

Four times a week out partying when you have just moved in does seem like a lot.

Are you sure you are happy in this relationship? Are you going out to get away from him because you are not happy?

Why did you move in together, and do you/did you see a long term future together?

July 23, 2015

Remember that the first thing an abuser of any type does is try to isolate his SO from her friends and family. It's a control issue. Don't let him brainwash you into thinking he's lost without you there. If he is that lost, dump him. He's just trying to control you. As Katie said, don't go out all the time. If you want to do that, then just break up with him and do it. But you should be able to go see friends or go out with them a couple of times a week like normal people do. Don't have kids with this guy. You'll never see daylight again if you do because he won't do his share on purpose just to keep you at home.

July 23, 2015

Remember that the first thing an abuser of any type does is try to isolate his SO from her friends and family.

Oh, c'mon! That's not what he's doing at all! He had no issue with her going out with her friends 2-3x a week for YEARS. She's increased that, and is spending a little time with him before running off to do something else with her friends.

He's justifiably annoyed, as her priorities are not those of someone in a serious, live-in relationship.

July 23, 2015

They've been together for 5.5 years. If he was an abuser, he would have isolated her a lot sooner. Don't forget that he was fine when she went out a couple of nights a week.

The two of them aren't compatible any more. She should accept the break up and find someone who is more social.

July 23, 2015

And if he is the jealous type then you need to accept that about him lol

July 23, 2015

He is adamantly stubborn about his position on this. The past few weeks, we've been spending time apart, but he called me yesterday and wants to break up because of this. I've tried to explain that just because he doesn't get enjoyment from the activities that I do doesn't make them wrong and doesn't mean we should break up over it, but he disagrees. What do I do? Can I fix it?

Honestly, going out 3 or 4 times a week every week sounds like too much to me. Especially since he doesn't come out with you on any of those occasions. Twice sounds more reasonable. Something else that would be reasonable: him setting aside his discomfort occasionally and coming out with you and your friends, or you guys asking your friends over to your place so that you and he could host them. If you'd said that he was open to doing either of these things, I'd encourage you to cut back a bit on going out and accommodate each other. However, since it sounds like he's being very rigid (and childish) about things (I don't like his implied tone), I think you should reconsider the relationship.

You guys have very different styles. Sounds to me like you're extroverted and he's introverted. It's possible for people who are mismatched in this way to make it work if they are both willing to accommodate each other. But if they're not willing to accommodate each other (and that sounds like you guys), all bets are off.

The guy has let you know he's not happy with the situation and wants to break up. What you do is let him go his way.

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Boyfriend doesn't think there's room for compromise over me going out with friends.

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