Denison Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 So my wife and I, just like any other married or devoted couple, have our ups and downs, but we've always been able to move on from any of the "downs". Our disagreements/fights are almost always over situational things (one of us did something inconsiderate, a particularly stressful period where we're both on edge and eventually chill out, etc). However, one theme keeps coming back: money. It's not money per se, but more that she says one thing, or encourages/discourages certain spending behavior, and doesn't follow her own advice and standards. The most recent example was a wear-and-tear injury I suffered from running. I'm an active guy in my early 40's, and even dating back to high school, I've always suffered from various injuries and ailments. Since I'm a runner, this is to be expected, and typically I just let aches and pains rest and hope they go away. Occasionally it's something more serious, that lasts a few weeks or more, at which point I at least consider going to a doctor to make sure it's nothing serious. Well, every time I even bring up the prospect of going to the doctor to have my knee/back/ankle, etc checked out (I've brought it up maybe 2 or 3 times this past year), I'm always met with strong resistance because we have a high deductible health insurance plan. Meanwhile, she goes to the doctor regularly for everything from check ups, stomach ache, bad cold, etc. My most recent injury has been ongoing for at least a few weeks, despite periods of rest, and even suggesting that I'd like to get to a doctor to see what's going on was met with resistance. She suggested I wait another few weeks to see if it goes away, and was even told that I'm being a baby and "want to be injured". When I reminded her that she went to 2 doctors and had a bunch of tests done for what amounted to a bad head cold, she failed to see the hypocrisy in her position. Now, the above is just an anecdote, but it serves as a good illustration of my problem. Obviously, this issue isn't just in the context of visiting doctors, otherwise it would be pretty silly and not worth anyone's time on this forum. The problem is that it extends to other areas of spending money. Buying myself clothes, appliances, electronics, etc. I don't spend carelessly, but once in a while I need a new pair of shoes, or a new inexpensive suit, or a shirt, etc. I don't always get flack for that type of stuff, but it's often enough, and I'm NEVER on her case when she spends hundreds on random nick nacks we don't need for the house, or a new pair of shoes, etc. She doesn't spend carelessly either, but I'm just getting very tired of walking on egg shells when I want to make what amounts to a very modest purchase. It makes it even more distressing to me when what I'm proposing I spend money on is for a doctor's visit for an injury that has hurt for over 3 weeks (again, we have a high deductible that hasn't been met yet, so it would essentially be out of pocket). As a side note, we both make fairly good livings, but she makes more than I do. That said, none of my purchases (or doctor's visits which I've been discouraged from making) go beyond our means, or my contribution (not that we keep a tally, but just as a practical matter). Other than things like the mortgage, car payments, utilities, etc, she definitely spends more money on non-necessities than I do. Anyway, that was a bit of a vent/ramble, but I'm really getting tired of feeling like I have to explain myself every time I want to spend even a modest amount of money. It's especially annoying getting pushback when I'm proposing going to a doctor to check out an injury. Is the doctor probably just gonna tell me to rest? Maybe...but that's what doctor's are for, to rule out anything serious if you've had symptoms for an extended period of time. I haven't been to the doctor in easily over a year other than for a regular dental check up. I'm not sure how to handle this moving forward, because I don't want to set (or continue) a precedent where I have to be guilted into foregoing spending money on something that I think is important and worthwhile. Any suggestions on how to approach this without starting World War 3?
CarrieT Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Set up three accounts; one that is used for just the bills and one each for both of you to have for your own. You don't question what she spends and she can't question what you spend. 7
understand50 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Set up three accounts; one that is used for just the bills and one each for both of you to have for your own. You don't question what she spends and she can't question what you spend. I would also add to CarrieT excellent advise to set aside time each month to audit. What I mean is that you make sure all the bills for the household are paid on time and in full, and that saving are set aside. For your "personnel" funds, only that you both kept in your "limit", not what you spent it on.
BetheButterfly Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) I'm always met with strong resistance because we have a high deductible health insurance plan. Meanwhile, she goes to the doctor regularly for everything from check ups, stomach ache, bad cold, etc. My most recent injury has been ongoing for at least a few weeks, despite periods of rest, and even suggesting that I'd like to get to a doctor to see what's going on was met with resistance. She suggested I wait another few weeks to see if it goes away, and was even told that I'm being a baby and "want to be injured". When I reminded her that she went to 2 doctors and had a bunch of tests done for what amounted to a bad head cold, she failed to see the hypocrisy in her position. I don't understand why you don't just go to the doctor? My husband doesn't ask me permission before going to the doctor. He says, I am going to the doctor (in Spanish) and I go with him to comfort him. While I understand that people are different, I think you need to be more assertive. You work; you should be able to spend what you work so hard to earn. Any suggestions on how to approach this without starting World War 3Since you earn a paycheck, you should be able to set aside some of your $ to take care of your health. Your health is extremely important. I honestly don't understand why your wife doesn't seem to care about your health. That's scary to me... If you think approaching her about this would start a war between y'all, that's scary to me too. I guess one way to do it is to inform her the importance of your health. I would just center on the health issue first. Tell her what could happen if you lost more of your health, such as not being able to work and y'all living only off of her earnings. I hope she will realize how uncaring she is being and will start to care. Edited July 22, 2015 by BetheButterfly 1
Author Denison Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 "I don't understand why you don't just go to the doctor? My husband doesn't ask me permission before going to the doctor. He says, I am going to the doctor (in Spanish) and I go with him to comfort him. While I understand that people are different, I think you need to be more assertive. You work; you should be able to spend what you work so hard to earn." You're absolutely right BetheButterfly. I didn't so much "ask for permission"...I probably misphrased that a bit. I basically said, hey I think I'm gonna go to the doctor, my knee has been hurting on and off for a few weeks, etc. And it was met with resistance, such as "why don't you just wait another week or two" and "you said you thought it was X, now you're saying Y", etc. Basically, unless I'm going to the doctor for nonsense once a month, all I expect when telling my wife I'm going to the doctor is "ok, hope you're ok" or even just "ok". I dont' want to be "convinced" to not go, or wait. I would never do that to her. It's this odd thing she has...she's supportive in almost everything else that matters, but acts like I'm a hypochondriac when in fact I actively avoid the doctor for most of my physical injuries/ailments because they usually just take some rest and icing. You bring up a good point though when you simply say "why are you asking permission?" While I'm not technically asking permission, it's as if I'm looking for approval when I don't need it.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 You bring up a good point though when you simply say "why are you asking permission?" While I'm not technically asking permission, it's as if I'm looking for approval when I don't need it. So tell her after the fact - "By the way, as you know my knee's been hurting so I went to the doctor today. Here's what he said..." On a side note - if you're injured that often, time to alter your training or exercise routine. There are lots of low impact activities available... Mr. Lucky 1
BetheButterfly Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 You're absolutely right BetheButterfly. I didn't so much "ask for permission"...I probably misphrased that a bit. I basically said, hey I think I'm gonna go to the doctor, my knee has been hurting on and off for a few weeks, etc. And it was met with resistance, such as "why don't you just wait another week or two" and "you said you thought it was X, now you're saying Y", etc. Basically, unless I'm going to the doctor for nonsense once a month, all I expect when telling my wife I'm going to the doctor is "ok, hope you're ok" or even just "ok". I dont' want to be "convinced" to not go, or wait. I would never do that to her. It's this odd thing she has...she's supportive in almost everything else that matters, but acts like I'm a hypochondriac when in fact I actively avoid the doctor for most of my physical injuries/ailments because they usually just take some rest and icing. You bring up a good point though when you simply say "why are you asking permission?" While I'm not technically asking permission, it's as if I'm looking for approval when I don't need it. I think you understandably want her to express concern and ask, "Can I come with you? I hope you're ok! Let me make the appointment for you." Right? That would be the ideal for her to do, in my opinion. For example, when my hubby tells me he needs to go to the doc, I go with him and talk to him in the waiting room, and listen to the doc too, with him. When I'm sick, he does the same thing for me. However, your wife is different. I have to admit I don't understand her. Maybe it has to do with how she grew up? Does her Dad have a thing against going to the doctor? Maybe that's the issue here? Maybe she is without realizing it thinking men don't need to go to the doc as much, since maybe her Dad thought so? Some men do try to stay away from doctors and just bear whatever pains they have without medical help...
Author Denison Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 I think you understandably want her to express concern and ask, "Can I come with you? I hope you're ok! Let me make the appointment for you." Right? That would be the ideal for her to do, in my opinion. For example, when my hubby tells me he needs to go to the doc, I go with him and talk to him in the waiting room, and listen to the doc too, with him. When I'm sick, he does the same thing for me. However, your wife is different. I have to admit I don't understand her. Maybe it has to do with how she grew up? Does her Dad have a thing against going to the doctor? Maybe that's the issue here? Maybe she is without realizing it thinking men don't need to go to the doc as much, since maybe her Dad thought so? Some men do try to stay away from doctors and just bear whatever pains they have without medical help... Yes, you're pretty much hitting the nail on the head. In this particular incident, she basically said "well didn't you say just the other day that you think X caused your pain?" To which I said, um yes, but X has never caused me this pain before, now I can barely walk one day after doing the exercise, which leads me to believe I have an injury. She kept pressing the issue, I guess suggesting that simply not doing X will make it go away, when I've reached the point where I think something larger is going on that can't be cured by simply avoiding a light exercise that exacerbates the underlying issue. Point being, it's not like I'm suggesting quitting my job and becoming a faith healer. I'm suggesting going to the doctor...maybe it turns out to be just a simple strain. So what? If every time we went to the doctor we had a serious injury or illness, half of us would be dead. I want support, or at least indifference, not resistance, especially when it comes to a doctor's appointment that, based on my judgment as an adult, I've determined I need or even might help. 1
BetheButterfly Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Yes, you're pretty much hitting the nail on the head. In this particular incident, she basically said "well didn't you say just the other day that you think X caused your pain?" To which I said, um yes, but X has never caused me this pain before, now I can barely walk one day after doing the exercise, which leads me to believe I have an injury. She kept pressing the issue, I guess suggesting that simply not doing X will make it go away, when I've reached the point where I think something larger is going on that can't be cured by simply avoiding a light exercise that exacerbates the underlying issue. Point being, it's not like I'm suggesting quitting my job and becoming a faith healer. I'm suggesting going to the doctor...maybe it turns out to be just a simple strain. So what? If every time we went to the doctor we had a serious injury or illness, half of us would be dead. I want support, or at least indifference, not resistance, especially when it comes to a doctor's appointment that, based on my judgment as an adult, I've determined I need or even might help. Do you think a counselor might help her understand? Again, maybe she just for some reason thinks that men should be "tough" and her definition of "tough" means not going to the doctor unless it's a life or death emergency... I know guys who are like that lol. I think it's great though that you are not like that, because sad to say people who try to "tough" it out often really hurt themselves and suffer for it whereas they didn't have to suffer, if they had sought medical help. My Mom's best friend for example had Cancer but didn't know it and thought she would just "tough" it out... she thought it was just the flu or something not serious. Once she finally got so bad she had to go to the ER, she found out she had Cancer. She died... it was too late for the treatment to be more effective. So, it's important to get things checked out if possible, before they get worse.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Simple solutions to simple problems. Totally separate bank accounts. All bills shared equally. You might want to shop for your own personal medical insurance. Maybe you can find a better deal for yourself.
Acacia98 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Denison, this actually sounds like a big picture issue, something that's heading towards an emotionally abusive dynamic (if it isn't already there). It sounds like she doesn't care very much about your welfare (on the health issue) but takes it for granted that her welfare will be prioritized. The fact that this is also about controlling money (your spending is policed and hers isn't) is a red flag. And the bit where you say you're walking on eggshells just reinforced my sense that there is something wrong with your relationship dynamic. I would be very concerned about this situation if I were you because it doesn't bode well when a romantic partner or family member dismisses one's physical pain and discomfort. And it truly is a red flag when somebody (you, in this case) feels like they have to justify perfectly reasonable choices. 1
Author Denison Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Denison, this actually sounds like a big picture issue, something that's heading towards an emotionally abusive dynamic (if it isn't already there). It sounds like she doesn't care very much about your welfare (on the health issue) but takes it for granted that her welfare will be prioritized. The fact that this is also about controlling money (your spending is policed and hers isn't) is a red flag. And the bit where you say you're walking on eggshells just reinforced my sense that there is something wrong with your relationship dynamic. I would be very concerned about this situation if I were you because it doesn't bode well when a romantic partner or family member dismisses one's physical pain and discomfort. And it truly is a red flag when somebody (you, in this case) feels like they have to justify perfectly reasonable choices. What's interesting about this perspective (which, based on my rumblings and story, is a perfectly reasonable viewpoint), is that she's supportive in many ways. My career, major life decisions, and plenty of minor/everyday stuff. But, there is definitely a cloud of "control issues" here. While it may not seem like it, I'm very individualistic and I guess you could say a "man's man" in that I've never put up with nonsense from significant others, and would much rather simply not be with someone than put up with disrespect or nonsense in a relationship. I never would have married my wife if she behaved like that in the years before we were married. However, there are definitely times when she treats me more like a child who needs direction, or even approval before doing something, than a consenting and responsible adult. I think this is exactly that type of situation...instead of saying, "sure honey, hope you feel better," she feels the need to analyze my decision. I'm not even sure it's really about money like it sometimes is, because I've definitely spent more money on less necessary things. I think it's almost a control issue, like for some reason, she wants to control certain decisions I make. I never back down when it's important to me, and I didn't in this case (appointment is scheduled!), but her reaction itself is what upsets me. I'm not a child asking his mother for permission to do something...I"m an adult confiding in his wife that I think I have an injury and am hoping to go to the doctor. BetheButterfly, in regards to your "tough it out" inquiries, I'm definitely injury prone, but I just deal with it and Ice/rest 95% of the time. On occasion, something is bad enough, and disrupts my life enough (i.e. hurts to walk), that I decide I need to see a doctor. This is the first time in at least a year I've had such an injury. I think she just has serious control issues. Her mother was/is very controlling, and since we don't have kids of our own yet (she's younger), she sometimes projects that desire to control on me. Like, "oh, you want to do something? Here's why you shouldn't." Instead of OK, you're my husband, you're an adult, go ahead and do what you think is right as long as it doesn't harm us. Which going to a doctor clearly does not. 1
GoBlue Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 The fact that you are concerned that bringing this up to her would start "World War III" is an indication that there are some serious communication issues between the two of you. I know for a fact that money is one of the top things that couples fight about and one of the most mentioned causes of divorce. Why is this? I believe it's because money represents power. She wants to spend on this, you want to spend on that, she feels justified (hopefully not just because she makes more money than you do) spending when and how she wants, you feel stifled and anxious. Is there anything healthy about what has been described? I know about a couple articles that could really be helpful, but they are on the website of a faith-based ministry. They talk about pursuing unity around the issue of finances. I would love to share them with you but you will need to send me a private message letting me know you want them. Otherwise, seeing a counselor about this problem would be your next best bet. As you are already well aware, the anxiety and resentment that this is causing in your marriage will take a toll. Don't sweep it under the rug. Deal with it while it is still fresh in your mind. Be blessed! 1
BetheButterfly Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) BetheButterfly, in regards to your "tough it out" inquiries, I'm definitely injury prone, but I just deal with it and Ice/rest 95% of the time. On occasion, something is bad enough, and disrupts my life enough (i.e. hurts to walk), that I decide I need to see a doctor. This is the first time in at least a year I've had such an injury. I think she just has serious control issues. Her mother was/is very controlling, and since we don't have kids of our own yet (she's younger), she sometimes projects that desire to control on me. Like, "oh, you want to do something? Here's why you shouldn't." Instead of OK, you're my husband, you're an adult, go ahead and do what you think is right as long as it doesn't harm us. Which going to a doctor clearly does not. Well, I think you should go to the doctor. Ideally, it would be awesome if she supported you, but you do need to take care of your health. If she gets upset about you going when you tell her you have gone, just patiently and kindly tell her that you work hard for money. You are in pain. 95% of the time you don't go to the doc, but you don't want your body to get worse. Then you can give her a big hug and smile an irresistible smile, and say something like this: "I don't want to be wheelchair dependent till I'm older and hopefully not ever; I want to take care of both of our bodies..." And hopefully that will lead to a beautiful finale of an argument! Edited July 22, 2015 by BetheButterfly
Poutrew Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I think you understandably want her to express concern and ask, "Can I come with you? I hope you're ok! Let me make the appointment for you." Right? That would be the ideal for her to do, in my opinion. For example, when my hubby tells me he needs to go to the doc, I go with him and talk to him in the waiting room, and listen to the doc too, with him. When I'm sick, he does the same thing for me. However, your wife is different. I have to admit I don't understand her. Maybe it has to do with how she grew up? Does her Dad have a thing against going to the doctor? Maybe that's the issue here? Maybe she is without realizing it thinking men don't need to go to the doc as much, since maybe her Dad thought so? Some men do try to stay away from doctors and just bear whatever pains they have without medical help... My dad was like that. He didn't like going to the doctor because of some bad VA experiences from WW2. Well in 1992, he had a massive stroke and though he managed to come back a bit, died from complications a few years later. He wasn't even 70. The stroke was the result of a clot breaking free from the carotid artery in his neck - something the doctors would have easily picked up on years before it got dangerous just by putting a stethoscope to his neck and listening...Don't let anyone, even your wife, tell you to not go to the doctors... unless she maybe has a big insurance payoff in the event you die and wants to hasten the outcome a bit. 1
Acacia98 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 What's interesting about this perspective (which, based on my rumblings and story, is a perfectly reasonable viewpoint), is that she's supportive in many ways. My career, major life decisions, and plenty of minor/everyday stuff. But, there is definitely a cloud of "control issues" here. While it may not seem like it, I'm very individualistic and I guess you could say a "man's man" in that I've never put up with nonsense from significant others, and would much rather simply not be with someone than put up with disrespect or nonsense in a relationship. I never would have married my wife if she behaved like that in the years before we were married. However, there are definitely times when she treats me more like a child who needs direction, or even approval before doing something, than a consenting and responsible adult. I think this is exactly that type of situation...instead of saying, "sure honey, hope you feel better," she feels the need to analyze my decision. I'm not even sure it's really about money like it sometimes is, because I've definitely spent more money on less necessary things. I think it's almost a control issue, like for some reason, she wants to control certain decisions I make. I never back down when it's important to me, and I didn't in this case (appointment is scheduled!), but her reaction itself is what upsets me. I'm not a child asking his mother for permission to do something...I"m an adult confiding in his wife that I think I have an injury and am hoping to go to the doctor. I think she just has serious control issues. Her mother was/is very controlling, and since we don't have kids of our own yet (she's younger), she sometimes projects that desire to control on me. Like, "oh, you want to do something? Here's why you shouldn't." Instead of OK, you're my husband, you're an adult, go ahead and do what you think is right as long as it doesn't harm us. Which going to a doctor clearly does not. Honestly, if the only issue you'd mentioned was the money, I would have just thought that she was somewhat controlling and this was about power. But you did more than mention money. You talked about her reaction to your desire to see a doctor. Many people don't realize this, but the way somebody reacts when you're sick, injured, or in pain is very telling. Those are moments of vulnerability. If somebody tries to convince you that you're being a baby or don't need medical care when it would be a good idea to get a checkup, that's on the callousness spectrum. Especially seeing as seeing a doctor won't make you guys destitute. The more serious the illness/injury, the more callous/cruel the person who dismisses your concerns. As I write this entire response, I'm thinking of myriad relationship situations I've observed where this kind of thing holds true (including romantic relationships, friendships, and parent-child relationships). What makes this especially striking in your case is the fact that she has a different set of standards when she is mildly ill. Honestly, she doesn't sound to me like a mother treating you like a child. If she was trying to mother you, I think she'd more likely be nagging you to go see a doctor even when you said you didn't need to. A mother who dismissed her child's legitimate concerns about illness or injury would have to be a callous mother. I think you believe I'm calling you a victim and her an abuser and are resistant to that idea. Rest assured that, to me, it's not the labels that matter. It's the substance of what happens during interactions. And what I read in your original post is that you feel like you're walking on eggshells in certain situations where you shouldn't feel that way. You spend time doing that and, sooner or later, you start to think the tension is a normal part of a romantic relationship and you're handling it well. In reality, as mild as it may appear to be, that kind of thing chips away at your willingness to recognize your own vulnerability and gradually eats into your confidence. So you feel like you have to come up with concrete justifications for something that shouldn't even be up for debate, and you may even have to seek outsiders' perspectives in order to feel like your opinion is legitimate. This problematic dynamic doesn't have to be present in every aspect of your relationship in order to be an issue. It simply is not a good dynamic to have in a relationship in whatever dose. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 It sounds like she doesn't care very much about your welfare (on the health issue) but takes it for granted that her welfare will be prioritized. . I agree 100%. Self entitled, self absorbed.
lucy_in_disguise Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) Well, in her defense, most injuries like the ones hes describing dont benefit from medical care. And in the US, unnecessary testing and treatment is a real and serious issue, contributing to the outrageous healthcare costs while failing to produce improved outcomes. So, i dont think her perspective on going to the doctor is necessarily "wrong", or showing of a lack of care about her husband. She coukd truly belueve that her ailments required medical care, while his dont. However, its his body. He is a grown man and should be able to make his own medical decisions without her interjecting her layman medical opinion. The money control imbalance is more of an issue, but i feel like some posters are going too far to label it abuse. She probably has good intentions, but is more anal, and doesnt recognize her hypocrisy when it comes to spending. I think they just need to find a solution for handling money that will work for them both. Having a budget and some accounts that are separate sounds like a good idea. Edited July 23, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise
Author Denison Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Honestly, if the only issue you'd mentioned was the money, I would have just thought that she was somewhat controlling and this was about power. But you did more than mention money. You talked about her reaction to your desire to see a doctor. Many people don't realize this, but the way somebody reacts when you're sick, injured, or in pain is very telling. Those are moments of vulnerability. If somebody tries to convince you that you're being a baby or don't need medical care when it would be a good idea to get a checkup, that's on the callousness spectrum. Especially seeing as seeing a doctor won't make you guys destitute. The more serious the illness/injury, the more callous/cruel the person who dismisses your concerns. As I write this entire response, I'm thinking of myriad relationship situations I've observed where this kind of thing holds true (including romantic relationships, friendships, and parent-child relationships). What makes this especially striking in your case is the fact that she has a different set of standards when she is mildly ill. Honestly, she doesn't sound to me like a mother treating you like a child. If she was trying to mother you, I think she'd more likely be nagging you to go see a doctor even when you said you didn't need to. A mother who dismissed her child's legitimate concerns about illness or injury would have to be a callous mother. I think you believe I'm calling you a victim and her an abuser and are resistant to that idea. Rest assured that, to me, it's not the labels that matter. It's the substance of what happens during interactions. And what I read in your original post is that you feel like you're walking on eggshells in certain situations where you shouldn't feel that way. You spend time doing that and, sooner or later, you start to think the tension is a normal part of a romantic relationship and you're handling it well. In reality, as mild as it may appear to be, that kind of thing chips away at your willingness to recognize your own vulnerability and gradually eats into your confidence. So you feel like you have to come up with concrete justifications for something that shouldn't even be up for debate, and you may even have to seek outsiders' perspectives in order to feel like your opinion is legitimate. This problematic dynamic doesn't have to be present in every aspect of your relationship in order to be an issue. It simply is not a good dynamic to have in a relationship in whatever dose. If there's one thing I'm good at in a relationship (and my marriage), it's looking an issue in the eye, and not having too much pride to admit I'm wrong, or frankly, that my wife is wrong. I know many men who will defend their wives out of a sense of pride even before they defend themselves, against having to admit something is wrong. I do neither. To your point, her behavior and response to this particular issue was not right. In the back of her mind, or even in the front, I can imagine her, or really any normal person who knows about my injury history, simply thinking "oh boy, Denison has another injury, he should just rest and not bother going to a doctor who probably can't do anything for it." And, maybe she'd be right. But those are the types of things you keep to yourself when you respect the person. Instead, I was confronted with things I said earlier that week that suggested I may not need to go to a doctor, I was told that I'm acting like I "want to be injured," etc. This isn't a football coach trying to toughen up a wimpy Quarter Back, this is my wife who should simply say, whatever you think will help. And at the end of the day, this is such a small and insignificant issue, my deciding that I'm probably going to a doctor. When these types of arguments ensue, I always have to tell her to "pick her battles". We haven't had any major hurdles in our relationship, such as real money issues, illness, or other major hardships. It just worries me that this type of things turns into a heated argument, when it all could have been avoided by her simply not saying anything when I suggested I was gonna go to the doctor. Maybe it's a control issue, wanting to have at least a say in even a little decision I make, maybe it's a hypocritical stance on money, maybe it's a combination, maybe neither. I don't know. I just know that I told her how I felt about her reaction, and while she backed down completely, I worry what her reaction means about how she treats me and how she feels about my "issues" versus her own. I guess the only one to truly know is to go to counseling or something where we really delve in to each other's issues, but I'm not sure that would help.
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