mightycpa Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Good closure from a relationship where you were dumped is- vanishing from the dumpers life, never to be heard from again..To me, closure is the peace that you get from being indifferent again. 4
jen1447 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I couldn't sleep last night and I was thinking the importance of a closure . At my 31 years old I can't help but feel lost I thought that by now my life was going to be in a different direction . After thinking and thinking our last conversation and the things that I saw in his bedroom , the blond hair , the candle the lighter the fact that he avoided me for a month with the worst excuses , and playing with my emotions saying first" yes let's try " then "I don't know I have to think about it " after I was honest with him and told him that I was interested in him . I was wondering if is worth it to tell him : I've been doing some thinking like you suggested and I came to terms that nothing will ever happen between you and I and I need to move on . Like you said to me last time I like your company but you are right there's got to be something else and I think you and I are not in the same page . I know that he is not going to think about it he knows and I know he doesn't want to be with me . I feel like I have to tell him this and move on I know he won't chase me or ask to stay and my intention is not to stay anyway I can't . Any suggestions please ?? Is it worth it or not ? Do I say to much in the text I want to send ?? Any ideas . Thank you Sounds perfectly fine to me. If it makes you feel better, do it.
aloneinaz Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 To me, closure is the peace that you get from being indifferent again. I Totally agree. Vanishing from the dumpers life gets you indifferent the quickest. 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I Totally agree. Vanishing from the dumpers life gets you indifferent the quickest. That's what I'm hoping for. I really want to get through this as fast as possible. I'll do anything it takes to subdue all these emotions.
mrldii Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 OP, I've never understood this "need for closure"-thingy. So the dumper is supposed to tell the dumpee the exact reason(s) for their chosen action? Why? So, if he's just discovered he prefers big tits/blonde hair/blue eyes/strippers, I'll change it/them to be what it is he prefers? If she's discovered she's interested in some other guy, he can point out how The Other Guy's not all that and she should be happy with him? If they've stopped having feelings for me, there's something I can do/say/be to get *it* back for them? If they say, "It's not you, it's me", there's a pill I can give them so they'll get over it? I don't know that I've ever been on the receiving end of "closure"...maybe they've tried to provide it and I've just never noticed. After a month, a year, a decade, I'm outta there the second they've uttered the words, "I want to end this relationship..." and haven't even waited to hear the whyfores and wherefores of what made them come to that decision. You don't want to be with me, anymore?!? Thanks for telling me...so I won't waste another nanosecond being *with* you! Then - of course - I do my crying, sobbing, and pillow-biting in private while I get myself to the point that I realize - and believe in my heart-of-hearts - that of course I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Why would/should ANYone be with someone who doesn't want them, whatever the reason(s), real or imagined?!? As an earlier poster pointed out, "closure" comes from within. Apparently, my closure comes the instant they tell me they want out and that door gets closed behind them. Best of luck to you, OP... 3
aloneinaz Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 OP, I've never understood this "need for closure"-thingy. So the dumper is supposed to tell the dumpee the exact reason(s) for their chosen action? Why? So, if he's just discovered he prefers big tits/blonde hair/blue eyes/strippers, I'll change it/them to be what it is he prefers? If she's discovered she's interested in some other guy, he can point out how The Other Guy's not all that and she should be happy with him? If they've stopped having feelings for me, there's something I can do/say/be to get *it* back for them? If they say, "It's not you, it's me", there's a pill I can give them so they'll get over it? I don't know that I've ever been on the receiving end of "closure"...maybe they've tried to provide it and I've just never noticed. After a month, a year, a decade, I'm outta there the second they've uttered the words, "I want to end this relationship..." and haven't even waited to hear the whyfores and wherefores of what made them come to that decision. You don't want to be with me, anymore?!? Thanks for telling me...so I won't waste another nanosecond being *with* you! Then - of course - I do my crying, sobbing, and pillow-biting in private while I get myself to the point that I realize - and believe in my heart-of-hearts - that of course I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Why would/should ANYone be with someone who doesn't want them, whatever the reason(s), real or imagined?!? As an earlier poster pointed out, "closure" comes from within. Apparently, my closure comes the instant they tell me they want out and that door gets closed behind them. Best of luck to you, OP... I ssoo love this post! If everyone could have this much pride, self esteem and self worth when being dumped, this site wouldn't exist! That's the mindset we all need to have. You don't want be in your life? You got it and VANISH to NEVER be heard from again. 3
aloneinaz Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 That's what I'm hoping for. I really want to get through this as fast as possible. I'll do anything it takes to subdue all these emotions. It will work my friend. You've read my history. I vanished when my last ended me. The first few weeks I couldn't eat or sleep. I felt like I was dying. I then got mad and said NO person is worth this. By the end of the month and knowing I'd never go out w/her again, I joined a dating site. By the second month I was dating and laughing, smiling again. A few months later I met my now 2 year GF who lives with me. We can all heal quickly if we chose to. I see NO value in sitting around for months, crying over someone who doesn't want us. F-that. There are plenty of people out there that do want us and love what we bring to the table. We can't find them sitting at home while having a pity party. You appear to be on the right track Gus. Stay NC and your recovery will become quicker and quicker as time passes and you move on. 4
Gus Grimly Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 OP, I've never understood this "need for closure"-thingy..... You've made some excellent points here. It's a need for validation that drives most people to obsess over getting 'closure' before they are willing to move forward. I admit I got caught in the vacuum of self doubt that lead me to over analyze every facet of my relationship trying to discover where it all went wrong and why. Like most broken hearts, I wanted to know the causality behind my breakup, but I realize now that it doesn't matter. It's over. They don't want me anymore therefore I must do whatever it takes to carry on. Lingering in self pity gets me nowhere and only feeds my bruised ego. 1
guest569 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Sounds like it is already over and you both know it, and you're making an excuse to contact him for "closure". I did this many times and I'm slowly finding that closure happens much, much later when you move on and close that chapter. Nothing to do with the other person. It's just a mental process. 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 It will work my friend. You've read my history. I vanished when my last ended me. The first few weeks I couldn't eat or sleep. I felt like I was dying. I then got mad and said NO person is worth this. By the end of the month and knowing I'd never go out w/her again, I joined a dating site. By the second month I was dating and laughing, smiling again. A few months later I met my now 2 year GF who lives with me. Thank you again for the encouragement aloneinaz. I'm on a roller coaster of self doubt at the moment. One minute I feel like I'm making progress, the next I feel like I've taken 3 steps back. I do believe, seeing as you've made such great progress, there is hope. I just have to have faith that one day I'll be where you're at, giving similar advice to someone else who's in my place now. That is a positive thought and it does bring me a sense of comfort. I'm really glad everyone is so open on these forums. Confiding in compete strangers isn't easy. Not being judged immediately is definitely reassuring. 2
aloneinaz Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Thank you again for the encouragement aloneinaz. I'm on a roller coaster of self doubt at the moment. One minute I feel like I'm making progress, the next I feel like I've taken 3 steps back. I do believe, seeing as you've made such great progress, there is hope. I just have to have faith that one day I'll be where you're at, giving similar advice to someone else who's in my place now. That is a positive thought and it does bring me a sense of comfort. I'm really glad everyone is so open on these forums. Confiding in compete strangers isn't easy. Not being judged immediately is definitely reassuring. Trust me.. I found this site and LEARNED so much after we broke up. I'd never heard of NC or any of the other things we read about on this site. I just applied the NC hardcore and move forward. My pride and self esteem and I fought a few times that first month but I never broke NC and out of sight out of mind works. 2
Author Blueribbon Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I can relate to every word here like many of us we want to move on and forget . But that is not as easy as it seems . The closure may work for few but after reading all the posts I don't need a closure from him . Yes I think all I want to have is the last word because I'm hurt and the perception of me after this is a big slap on my ego . I would like to scream at him and tell him why you did this ?? But my words will never hurt him . In order to hurt him he needs to care for me and he doesn't . I wish and I pray to God to give me the strength to heal , and not to have those stupid moments of anxiety where I want to call him or text him . One day my final word will be I forgive you for what you did to me . One day I'm pretty sure I will remember this without the pain I feel now . 3
Author Blueribbon Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Gus Grimly : hang on there my friend one day we are going to find someone who really cares for us . And all this will be left behind . Let's stay strong and go NC . 2
aloneinaz Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 One day my final word will be I forgive you for what you did to me . One day I'm pretty sure I will remember this without the pain I feel now . One day, you'll be indifferent when he pops up in your head. You'll go "hum, I haven't thought of him in a while" and then change channels in your brain to other thoughts. The key to achieve this as quick as you can is to VANISH from his life. Any contact to him will only stroke his ego and crush your self esteem and pride. Don't lose sight of that. It's been well over two years since my last ex and I ended. I REALLY loved her despite all her BS. At 6 months post break up, she wasn't in my thoughts that often anymore and of course, she reappeared, looking to get me back and was told hell no. Today, I could see her in a bar, making out with another guy. The only thought I'd have would be "poor bastard".. 3
OK_computer Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) I might get burned for saying this so I have my fire suit on but I think closure is VERY important. If possible, a final talk with the ex about everything that happened especially if things ended badly will help you move on. My pain for years was not so much about why the break up happened but how. No one but your ex can give you the answers you want or need to move on BUT everyone but your ex can help you to move on. It depends on what you need closure about. Sometimes a final heart to heart talk with the ex once you're both ready or have a chance is the final nail in the coffin. You can finally move on. You can get the answers and you can give your side. Again I only recommend it when you are ready to move on and don't want them back. There's nothing wrong in ending things on good terms esp if both of you are in the same circles. You can move on without closure...but it will take longer and is more painful. But a proper closure definitely helps reduce the length of suffering most of which is due to leaving things unsaid or assumed. Talking it out is best I feel. Then Go nc. Edited July 24, 2015 by OK_computer 3
jen1447 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I might get burned for saying this so I have my fire suit on but I think closure is VERY important. If possible, a final talk with the ex about everything that happened especially if things ended badly will help you move on. My pain for years was not so much about why the break up happened but how. No one but your ex can give you the answers you want or need to move on BUT everyone but your ex can help you to move on. It depends on what you need closure about. Sometimes a final heart to heart talk with the ex once you're both ready or have a chance is the final nail in the coffin. You can finally move on. You can get the answers and you can give your side. Again I only recommend it when you are ready to move on and don't want them back. There's nothing wrong in ending things on good terms esp if both of you are in the same circles. You can move on without closure...but it will take longer and is more painful. But a proper closure definitely helps reduce the length of suffering most of which is due to leaving things unsaid or assumed. Talking it out is best I feel. Then Go nc. It's human nature to want to know the answer to "why?" If your dog died, you wouldn't just shrug and say that's all you need to know, you'd want to know what happened, etc. It helps you to process emotions and generally 'deal.' When you don't know the basic answers tho, genuine healing can't happen in a truly healthy way bc you're always in a holding pattern, waiting on the explanation that never comes. There can be eventual healing in those cases but it's moreso scar tissue - ugly and incomplete. It's true and unfortunate that most exes don't seem forthcoming about the why. I've always ended Rs with answers and general good will, as well as continued contact (with clear boundaries) until the dumpee is ready to truly disengage and head off on their own. It's just basic human respect and dignity, assuming the dumpee is respectable and dignified and not a stalker/etc. Most ppl aren't and should be treated appropriately. 1
OK_computer Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 It's human nature to want to know the answer to "why?" If your dog died, you wouldn't just shrug and say that's all you need to know, you'd want to know what happened, etc. It helps you to process emotions and generally 'deal.' When you don't know the basic answers tho, genuine healing can't happen in a truly healthy way bc you're always in a holding pattern, waiting on the explanation that never comes. There can be eventual healing in those cases but it's moreso scar tissue - ugly and incomplete. It's true and unfortunate that most exes don't seem forthcoming about the why. I've always ended Rs with answers and general good will, as well as continued contact (with clear boundaries) until the dumpee is ready to truly disengage and head off on their own. It's just basic human respect and dignity, assuming the dumpee is respectable and dignified and not a stalker/etc. Most ppl aren't and should be treated appropriately. Right, I understand completely. But having been a dumper and the dumped lol I've ruminated so much on how things had ended. As a the dumped, in the large amount of time we think about what happened, I can always think of a few reasons for why, it's never really a surprise to me that it happened. But being caught off guard or not understanding why they didn't want to give it another chance were what irked me. If they finish me off over a whim that really pisses me off. When it happens over a fight and we both said things we didn't mean...and months later I just want those words to stop ringing but I don't want them back.. Closure seems appropriate ie a final talk..in that case it was HOW that's stalling me. Sorry for the run on sentence.
Recommended Posts