Girl I'm dating is putting on weight, what do I do?

[MC44]

Dude seriously? I doubt she force fed you so take responsibility for your part that you actually ate all the crap she gave you...

 

She would go out and buy cakes chocolate all the bad junk food you could imagine and pretend it was for her and then just offer it to me ALL THE TIME LOL.

 

And keep reinforcing that she wouldn't mind if I got fat. Now because I'm not the kind of man who cheats I made her my world for years and wasn't looking elsewhere. So I got into a mode and pattern and that's how my weight built up.

 

 

Before I got with my old girl when ever I got passed a certain weight I'd hit my training hard. But she made me feel uncomfortable to train around her so I ended up not doing it.

 

So yeah everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions in life but she helped push me into that direction. That's all I'm saying

[fitnessfan365]

She would go out and buy cakes chocolate all the bad junk food you could imagine and pretend it was for her and then just offer it to me ALL THE TIME LOL.

 

And keep reinforcing that she wouldn't mind if I got fat. Now because I'm not the kind of man who cheats I made her my world for years and wasn't looking elsewhere. So I got into a mode and pattern and that's how my weight built up.

 

This post makes no sense at all and seems like such a BS cop out.

 

1) What does being faithful have to do with bad lifestyle choices?

 

2) If she constantly brings junk food around and says that she doesn't care if you get fat, you tell her "Well I do care about staying in shape, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop shoving junk food in my face all the time." Then anytime she does offer you crap to eat you tell her "No thanks". I mean how hard is that?

 

Just admit that you got lazy and take responsibility for yourself.

[mrldii]

...So yeah everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions in life but she helped push me into that direction...

 

Oh.

 

 

 

So, what are you doing to help push the-girl-you're-currently-dating who's currently-packing-on-the-pounds

 

in *that* direction?

[Maleficent]

 

So yeah everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions in life but she helped push me into that direction. That's all I'm saying

 

So? Are you that spineless?

[smackie9]

I agree beauty needs to be complimented by a personality ora and their heart. Now it is still early days but she does have a beautiful funny calm peace about her soul. I'm not a manipulative person at all! And its not just her looks that make her so beautiful. And she was never one of those stick thin models. She just has/had all the curves in the right places. Like I say she isn't fat but she's boarder line& in just worried what will happen if she continues gaining weight at this rate.

 

Am I bad for just stating how I feel? I haven't & wouldn't miss treat her by making her feel ****ty about herself. I do genuinely like and care about her too. I know all about diet and exercise so there's no need to starve yourself to lose weight it's just about eating healthy and working out at your own pace.

 

Doesn't matter how you defend yourself, you are going to get shat on. like I said it's a compatibility thing....it's no different than wanting to be equally driven financially.....it's what is important to YOU that matters....no what everyone else thinks.

[fitnessfan365]

Some insight from another direction.

 

It's hard being a personal trainer in dating. Even though I'm attracted to a woman I'm dating as is, they always feel insecurity and pressure to get in better shape. My GF was an athlete in HS/college and let herself go a bit. Has been working out on/off for the last year. Since she met me, she's forcing herself to workout 4-5x a week. I tell her that she's sexy as hell as is and doesn't have to prove anything to me. But she's determined to get down to a size 8 (she's a size 12 right now).

 

She's a bad ass though. We did a workout together for the first time today. An intense full body circuit outdoors. I told her to go at her own pace. But she wanted to match me. She got through the first four rounds. Then she had to stop for a bit and actually puked. But instead of giving up, she waited a few minutes and did the last round! Have to admit, I was impressed w- her determination.

[candie13]

looks and image are linked to self esteem. Staying fit is also about determination. Discipline. Choice. Control, to a certain extent.

 

as smackie pointed out, it matters to you, so maybe that's one of your dealbreakers. To me, staying healthy is. My dad starts to understand the consequences of having smoked for 30 years, having drank a lot and having had a terrible diet. You wanna know who's actually paying for it and taking him to doctors and endless check ups in his early 60? My mom!

 

Now, ask me again what I feel about heavy party men, smoking and doing drugs... No, I won't even consider those for dating and even less for something more serious. Do I discriminate? I think so. It is my choice. Life is not made to enjoy it in your 20s and 30s, but also 40, 50, 60 and even 70 and 80, with a bit of luck - and if no car runs us down...

[Eighty_nine]

 

Am I bad for just stating how I feel?

 

No, but I think you have more to gain by exploring why you feel this way vs. talking to her about losing weight.

[autumnnight]

before my last girl ruined my body for a bit.

 

Do you hafve a problem with personal responsibility? How old are you?

[autumnnight]

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but if I gained 12-14 pounds on one month, I would be going to the doctor. That is 3-4 pounds a week. Something is off unless she literally walks around with a bucket of chicken all day. Thyroid? Hormone issues? Depression?

 

Something is not right.

 

That also might be a way to bring it up:

 

Sweetie, I love you and you are beautiful, but you have gained X in a really short time, and I know you're not buying donuts all the time. I think you may need to see a doctor.

 

Just tossing it out there.

[elaine567]

How old are you?

 

I have a feeling that was a rhetorical question, but the truth is early thirties...

[elaine567]

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but if I gained 12-14 pounds on one month, I would be going to the doctor. That is 3-4 pounds a week. Something is off unless she literally walks around with a bucket of chicken all day. Thyroid? Hormone issues? Depression?

 

Something is not right.

 

That also might be a way to bring it up:

 

Sweetie, I love you and you are beautiful, but you have gained X in a really short time, and I know you're not buying donuts all the time. I think you may need to see a doctor.

 

Just tossing it out there.

 

I have a feeling he is merely estimating the weight gain.

[autumnnight]

I have a feeling that was a rhetorical question, but the truth is early thirties...

 

So....comparing it to early thirties 20 years ago....

 

About 21

 

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

OP takes zero responsibility for his own actions (blaming his ex-GF for HIS prior weight gain) and has mounted himself on an extremely tall high horse who looks down in harsh judgment on a woman he is merely dating and NOT in a relationship with because she has gained a small amount of weight during their early dating phase.

 

OP is more concerned about what others think about the physical appearance of this woman that he's dating. OP feigns "concern" about this woman's self-esteem and HER body confidence when, in reality, the only thing he is truly concerned with is her physical/sexual attractiveness and how it affects HIS attraction to her.

 

It is my sincere hope that this poor woman finds out just how shallow, egotistical and judgmental the OP is so she can break up with him and walk away without ever looking back. From the OP's description, she seems to be a physically and emotionally beautiful woman who's fun to be around and that DESERVES a guy who will enjoy her company and that will appreciate and ACCEPT her as she IS.

 

 

 

 

 

.

[wb1988]

Seriously...who the hell talks like this?

 

Hey I thought we were all bros here

 

What I wrote in quotes is what I would say if I was in that situation.

Edited July 23, 2015 by wb1988

[elaine567]

We live in an overly-sensitive society where if you tell a bitch that she's gaining weight real quick then somehow you are the bad guy. People would rather you become fat then there be a possibility of hurt feelings, and loosing weight is 100x more difficult than gaining, it's much better to know you're getting fat than to find out when it's probably too late.

Just say "baby I love you and I think you're super cute but I've noticed that you've been gaining weight recently, like a lot of weight, like a loooooooot of weight and I'm worried that before we know it you'll turn into a muffin top and you'll lose self confidence. I'm also worried that I might not find you as attractive as you are now".

If she still doesn't change then dump the bitch.

 

Hey I thought we were all bros here

What I wrote in quotes is what I would say if I was in that situation.

 

OMG you weren't being facetious, you would actually say that?

[fitnessfan365]

I want to bring out the best in my woman and give her the confidence to be happy in herself. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT WHEN ANY OF US FEEL OUT OF SHAPE, WE ARE MENTALLY OUT OF SHAPE. The words speak for themselves

 

Wow.. I just saw this.

 

You want to make her feel confident and happy about who she is, by trying to change her. Yeah OK..LOL Also, did you actually just compare being physically out of shape to mental instability? Your reasoning on a variety of things in this thread continue to amaze me.

[candie13]

we're all attracted to what we are attracted to. yes, body weight counts in that equation. it sucks, but it's the truth. happiness in a couple can only happen if each one of the partners is individually happy. she is the one who's changing and that is affecting the dynamic in their RS. That is the reality. Him pretending otherwise would make him a liar. And no, it doesn't make him necessarily superficial. Sex life, attraction, sorry these things are damn important - at least to me. Unfortunately, we can't breed by having deep meaningful conversations and holding hands...

[wb1988]

OMG you weren't being facetious, you would actually say that?

 

Really you thought I was being facetious?

 

Maybe you're used to guys that dance around the problem, never are direct and are overly careful about your feelings.

[DaisyBug]

Really you thought I was being facetious?

 

Maybe you're used to guys that dance around the problem, never are direct and are overly careful about your feelings.

 

You sound like a real charmer with the ladeez. *cough*

[losangelena]

I want to bring out the best in my woman and give her the confidence to be happy in herself. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT WHEN ANY OF US FEEL OUT OF SHAPE, WE ARE MENTALLY OUT OF SHAPE. The words speak for themselves

 

I question this assertion as well.

 

I dunno. I used to weigh well over 300 pounds. I lost about half of that 15 years ago, and for the last 10 or so I've fluctuated, though I've never come close to weighing what I used to.

 

Anyway, I'd say that the "healthiest" times I've had, mentally anyway, have been those times when I was intellectually engaged in things that excited me. Grad school was amazing. Not only was I socially active, I was studying a subject I loved and was writing all the time. I felt like I was learning and accomplishing things. Coincidentally I was also heavier during that time than at any point since my major weight loss. My fitness was also blissfully the last thing on my mind.

 

The year after I experienced the worst year of my life. I started having debilitating panic attacks and developed severe health anxiety. I dropped 30 pounds without even trying. I was smaller than I'd ever been as an adult. After I got my stress and anxiety down, I started gaining weight again, and it was at that point, about three years ago, that I hired a nutritionist to lose weight and "get healthy" once and for all.

 

I did well—I lost about 45 pounds and maintained that weight until last summer. I still had about 15 pounds to go to get to my goal, but I'd plateaued. Cardiovascularly, I was a beast, but it was getting harder to lose the weight, and I had to restrict my calorie intake more and more. It was NOT healthy. I was obsessed with food and what I was and wasn't eating. My body and the state of it, its "acceptability" was ALWAY on my mind. I stressed about it all the time. When I met my BF (the one you so nicely pointed out has a "secret problem"), I did relax into the relationship and started gaining again. It got to be too much for me, and I'm losing again, this time not in such an extreme way as last time.

 

A side note about my BF: you would have to ask his raging hard-on if he really finds me unattractive, but I think his lack of complaint runs a bit deeper. Before he started lifting weights, he weighed less than 110 pounds. He's 5'7". He had ZERO confidence, and since he's started at the gym, he's put on 30 pounds of muscle. That's a great accomplishment, and I think he understands what it means to look in the mirror and feel shame over what he sees. He knows what it's like to not like his body, ergo, he has a sense of empathy over body image and issues of body composition. He knows what I looked like when we met, and he's happy to help me try and get back there. He ain't stressing.

 

Anyway, not everyone has the genes to be as thin as your GF. I don't know if she's one of them, but very often models have to starve themselves to achieve a desired working weight. However, it's not one that's realistic forever. I don't know her or her situation, so I don't know how much, if at all, she had to deprive herself. But if she did/does, I guarantee that is a heavy mental burden. As Gloria and several others have pointed out, it's hard work to keep up a certain physique, and no the two do not alway correlate to mental "in-shapeness."

 

Whether people want to categorize it as shallow or not, I dunno. But not everyone has a value for fitness, for chiseled abs and a toned body. If I were you, OP, I would take some time and figure out where that value stems from for you—it is really so important that your woman has a certain body composition, or does that desire come from your own experience as someone who had their own struggle with weight? A lot of formerly overweight people have problems with currently overweight people—I know sometime I look at a very morbidly obese person (like I used to be) with disgust or contempt, but that's more because I fear ever being that weight again.

 

I don't mean to go on and on (sorry for the ridiculous length of this post), but this is a topic I feel strongly about. I find that when people are SO stringent ("THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT WHEN ANY OF US FEEL OUT OF SHAPE, WE ARE MENTALLY OUT OF SHAPE") that there's usually something behind it. Kinda like when someone so vehemently anti-gay turns out to be closeted themselves (for example).

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I question this assertion as well.

 

I dunno. I used to weigh well over 300 pounds. I lost about half of that 15 years ago, and for the last 10 or so I've fluctuated, though I've never come close to weighing what I used to.

 

Anyway, I'd say that the "healthiest" times I've had, mentally anyway, have been those times when I was intellectually engaged in things that excited me. Grad school was amazing. Not only was I socially active, I was studying a subject I loved and was writing all the time. I felt like I was learning and accomplishing things. Coincidentally I was also heavier during that time than at any point since my major weight loss. My fitness was also blissfully the last thing on my mind.

 

The year after I experienced the worst year of my life. I started having debilitating panic attacks and developed severe health anxiety. I dropped 30 pounds without even trying. I was smaller than I'd ever been as an adult. After I got my stress and anxiety down, I started gaining weight again, and it was at that point, about three years ago, that I hired a nutritionist to lose weight and "get healthy" once and for all.

 

I did well—I lost about 45 pounds and maintained that weight until last summer. I still had about 15 pounds to go to get to my goal, but I'd plateaued. Cardiovascularly, I was a beast, but it was getting harder to lose the weight, and I had to restrict my calorie intake more and more. It was NOT healthy. I was obsessed with food and what I was and wasn't eating. My body and the state of it, its "acceptability" was ALWAY on my mind. I stressed about it all the time. When I met my BF (the one you so nicely pointed out has a "secret problem"), I did relax into the relationship and started gaining again. It got to be too much for me, and I'm losing again, this time not in such an extreme way as last time.

 

A side note about my BF: you would have to ask his raging hard-on if he really finds me unattractive, but I think his lack of complaint runs a bit deeper. Before he started lifting weights, he weighed less than 110 pounds. He's 5'7". He had ZERO confidence, and since he's started at the gym, he's put on 30 pounds of muscle. That's a great accomplishment, and I think he understands what it means to look in the mirror and feel shame over what he sees. He knows what it's like to not like his body, ergo, he has a sense of empathy over body image and issues of body composition. He knows what I looked like when we met, and he's happy to help me try and get back there. He ain't stressing.

 

Anyway, not everyone has the genes to be as thin as your GF. I don't know if she's one of them, but very often models have to starve themselves to achieve a desired working weight. However, it's not one that's realistic forever. I don't know her or her situation, so I don't know how much, if at all, she had to deprive herself. But if she did/does, I guarantee that is a heavy mental burden. As Gloria and several others have pointed out, it's hard work to keep up a certain physique, and no the two do not alway correlate to mental "in-shapeness."

 

Whether people want to categorize it as shallow or not, I dunno. But not everyone has a value for fitness, for chiseled abs and a toned body. If I were you, OP, I would take some time and figure out where that value stems from for you—it is really so important that your woman has a certain body composition, or does that desire come from your own experience as someone who had their own struggle with weight? A lot of formerly overweight people have problems with currently overweight people—I know sometime I look at a very morbidly obese person (like I used to be) with disgust or contempt, but that's more because I fear ever being that weight again.

 

I don't mean to go on and on (sorry for the ridiculous length of this post), but this is a topic I feel strongly about. I find that when people are SO stringent ("THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT WHEN ANY OF US FEEL OUT OF SHAPE, WE ARE MENTALLY OUT OF SHAPE") that there's usually something behind it. Kinda like when someone so vehemently anti-gay turns out to be closeted themselves (for example).

 

+1 for Angelena. Excellent post. A person being happy in their OWN skin as well as being satisfied and emotionally healthy with their life as a whole is what most people strive for. Some people NEVER make it that far...but some do. The OP's date has made it that far - and for her, that *IS* enough for her emotional and physiological happiness! But sadly () for the OP, her external and internal happiness is NOT enough - for HIM.

 

OP needs to find a Miley Cyrus look-alike who is as fixated on the superficialities of a person such as perfect body weight and fat composition as HE is.

 

 

 

 

.

[MC44]

Some insight from another direction.

 

It's hard being a personal trainer in dating. Even though I'm attracted to a woman I'm dating as is, they always feel insecurity and pressure to get in better shape. My GF was an athlete in HS/college and let herself go a bit. Has been working out on/off for the last year. Since she met me, she's forcing herself to workout 4-5x a week. I tell her that she's sexy as hell as is and doesn't have to prove anything to me. But she's determined to get down to a size 8 (she's a size 12 right now).

 

She's a bad ass though. We did a workout together for the first time today. An intense full body circuit outdoors. I told her to go at her own pace. But she wanted to match me. She got through the first four rounds. Then she had to stop for a bit and actually puked. But instead of giving up, she waited a few minutes and did the last round! Have to admit, I was impressed w- her determination.

 

 

That's exactly what I want to do with her

[katiegrl]

Some insight from another direction.

 

It's hard being a personal trainer in dating. Even though I'm attracted to a woman I'm dating as is, they always feel insecurity and pressure to get in better shape. My GF was an athlete in HS/college and let herself go a bit. Has been working out on/off for the last year. Since she met me, she's forcing herself to workout 4-5x a week. I tell her that she's sexy as hell as is and doesn't have to prove anything to me. But she's determined to get down to a size 8 (she's a size 12 right now).

 

She's a bad ass though.

 

 

***We did a workout together for the first time today. An intense full body circuit outdoors. I told her to go at her own pace. But she wanted to match me. She got through the first four rounds. Then she had to stop for a bit and actually puked. But instead of giving up, she waited a few minutes and did the last round! Have to admit, I was impressed w- her determination.***

 

 

 

ff, yes determination.....plus let's face facts. Your GF is just VERY into you! :bunny: :)

Edited July 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[central]

In this situation, I'd probably suggest saying and doing:

 

 

"We're getting fat and out of shape, and have developed some bad eating habits. We need to fix this before it gets harder to reverse. I propose we do this ... [suggestions for diet, exercise plans to do together]. What suggestions do you have?"

 

 

It avoids putting the blame on one person, whether or not they are the instigator, and invites a shared solution. If they resist, start on your own. If they fail to follow along, then either accept it or leave.