Timpye Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I mean people say even if you want to win them back you should use no contact, even after they have messaged you first. I mean is manipulation really the way to go? Is it so wrong just to let them know how you feel and either it works or it doesn't. Whats the use of playing mind games?
Gus Grimly Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 NC isn't designed to try and win your Ex back. If people think it will work they will be in for a big surprise. It's used to help the healing process and to protect you from getting hurt again. My breakup was devastating for me. NC has helped avoid the pitfalls most of us fall into during the aftermath of a breakup. It's helped me a great deal, but I'm not trying to save a doomed relationship either. 5
PegNosePete Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 How is it manipulative to not contact someone? 3
Satu Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I mean people say even if you want to win them back you should use no contact, even after they have messaged you first. I mean is manipulation really the way to go? Is it so wrong just to let them know how you feel and either it works or it doesn't. Whats the use of playing mind games? NC isn't for manipulating anyone, but some people try to use it to manipulate. It's something you do for yourself. 1
guest569 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 If someone dumps you, they dump you. Good riddance. 2
casey.lives Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 NO CONTACT is for you to improve the weak points in yourself, to come back in a realistic time frame and use this as a bargaining tool to try once more. It also gives the other person an ability to see the whole picture and calm down and get back to a place of missing you and built up hope... that's what it's for.
guest569 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 NO CONTACT is for you to improve the weak points in yourself, to come back in a realistic time frame and use this as a bargaining tool to try once more. It also gives the other person an ability to see the whole picture and calm down and get back to a place of missing you and built up hope... that's what it's for. Huh? No, it's for you and only you. To heal, survive, get on with your life 1
Satu Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 No contact is about two things, and two things only: 1. It protects you from further hurt. 2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex. Thats all it is, and all it does. 1
foolinlove79 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Its to put distance between you and your ex amd so you can heal and move on. You shouldnt think of it as i am not going to contact them for X amount of time and they will miss me and come around. It is a permanent thing. It should be for you and only you. And it really does help. It gets easier the more time that passes too. And it gives you the gift of clarity. You start to see the rs more clearly and why it wasnt working. 1
casey.lives Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 No contact is a strategy!!!okay.. If not , then it would just be breaking up or a break..
aloneinaz Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Its to put distance between you and your ex amd so you can heal and move on. You shouldnt think of it as i am not going to contact them for X amount of time and they will miss me and come around. It is a permanent thing. It should be for you and only you. And it really does help. It gets easier the more time that passes too. And it gives you the gift of clarity. You start to see the rs more clearly and why it wasnt working. This ^^^ Now.. it can "sometimes" have another effect as well. When someone dumps another, they psychologically feel they have the power and control over the other person and the relationship. If the dumped beg, plead and cry for another chance for days and weeks afterward, all the more so. On the other hand, if the dumped accept the news in a mature, rational way and then vanish to not be heard from again, it has a psychological effect on the dumper. They think "wow, they didn't care or love me anyway". It also impacts their ego as they expect the dumped to keep contacting them to beg for another chance. It turns the table on the dumper. Suddenly, the person they dumped becomes a challenge and more attractive due to the dumped accepting the news, moving on with their life, not to be heard from again. If the dumper goes out into the single world and is not finding success in looking for someone new, or have a terrible rebound or two, they will look back at their last relationship and SOMETIMES have dumpers remorse and reappear in the life of the person they dumped, looking for a reconciliation. It happened w/my last ex. We'd broken up off/on the last few months we dated. Usually, it was me coming back to her for another chance. When she ended it the last and final time, I was DONE. I got my things back the next day and she NNEEVVVEERRR heard from me again, EEVVEERR. 6 months later, she reappeared after her rebound failed miserably and tried to get me back. I'd moved onto a much better GF and told her no thanks. 1
LeslieKnope Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I think we're ever so-slightly missing part of the questions that Timpye asked: yes, as others have noted, NC is really meant for healing purposes, particularly those (like me) who still have an attachment to their ex and feel heartbroken about the breakup. That said, I know there's a LOT of people online who recommend using NC in order to make their exes miss them. Like, I won't contact them for 30 days then try these lines on them afterwards to make them remember the good ol' times and they'll come back to me, etc... That IS manipulative and it's a bit of a golden cow for you too. Because it doesn't account for the unresolved problems in the relationship. It doesn't fix anything. You don't really want to start where you left off because where you left it was miserable! I don't know the details of your relationship, current or otherwise, but if nothing else I'd say NC gives you a lot more perspective of your role and your ex's in the relationship's demise. And after you think about it and take some time for yourself, you may decide you want to try talking to your ex again...or not. That's entirely up to you. But there's no fast or true way for winning back an ex. And unfortunately, as I have discovered, there's no fast or true way of moving on either (even those on here who stick to NC will admit it's still very, very hard). We're all just trying to get by...
aloneinaz Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I agree that NC IS NOT to manipulate your ex into "winning" them back. NC should be considered a PERMENANT situation. There is NO timeline for NC. I know several people who got dumped, immediately went NC and NEVER spoke to the dumper again. It wasn't to "punish" the dumper. They were simply smart enough to know that it wouldn't work if they tried again and wanted to heal and move onto someone more compatible. NC will allow people to heal the fastest and get their rational thinking back. When we get dumped, our hearts are doing all the thinking vs. our common sense. After a period of NC, we heal and our rational thinking overwhelms our hearts thinking. In most cases, our rational thinking allows us to realize that the break up was a good thing as in most break ups, the couple were simply not compatible. People should never employ NC to win back someone who dumped them because people shouldn't go back to a broken relationship. My life experiences and this board demonstrates the success percentage in reconciliations as VERY, VERY low. When my ex contacted me 6 months after ending us, NC had provided the clarity for me to FINALLY recognize the relationship with her was simply not healthy. Even if I'd been single, I wound not of considered yet another reconciliation with her. Relationships break up for a reason. I don't know anyone who's enjoyed a long marriage that ever included a break up. The other major issues that's not mentioned much on this board is that when people reconcile with the ex and start again, they drag all the previous hurt, pain, resentment and suffering back into the relationship. You simply can't start fresh again when you back together. People are going to be guarded, walk on egg shells and be suspicious of the other. Clearly, relationships are hard enough. Recycling the old one and trying to make it work with all the previous damage, makes it doomed.. 3
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