Author thespacey1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 Wow, thanks for sharing! Sounds like some good stuff... So you feel like men are more ambivalent than women to follow thought with counseling? Are couples saying why they're not communicating about these crucial issues?... Is it just an overall issue where people "assume" rather than "ask" their partners about certain issues. Why assume? Fear of the true answers, laziness, fast paced rhythm of life, etc...? Thanks again
katiegrl Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) Monogamy is most definitely possible in a marriage. If that's what both people put their minds to. My opinion is this: ----------------- ***If you decide to go through a specific ceremony, vowing to stay with one person for the remainder of your life, then put your money where your mouth is, and stick to it. Frankly, I think it's an awful lot to ask. It's like picking your very favourite dish, in the whole world. The one thing which lights up your face and makes you "Mmmmm!!" at the mere thought of it - then being told that this is all you are ever going to be able to eat, for the rest of your life. Only this. Nothing else, not even a drink of water. Every meal, every snack, every in-between quick bite: All just that food. You'd get pretty sick of it, pretty quickly, no matter how much it makes you smile initially. So... we're supposed to stick to one person, and one person only, come what may? No-one else, not even a 'nibble'...? Like I said: A lot to ask.*** ------------ But if you decide to commit to that - then that's on you to keep up with, standard-wise. If you find that there are things going wrong in the relationship, it's important to summon up the courage and talk about it. Even if the only solution is to break up, it's better to do it with honour and dignity, rather than between someone else's legs, because your spouse, for whatever reasons, no longer floats your boat. That's not a good way to behave. Never put treacle pudding and custard on the same plate as chilli con carne and rice. If you get my drift. What we need is someone who has the same values and principles; who considers the important things in life - Religion, children, morals, personal humane standards - on the same level, more or less, as we do. However, in matters of taste, likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies, and friends, we need to allow - and cultivate - an independence, to a healthy extent. The three main components in ANY loving relationship are (effective) Communication Trust Respect (for both self and partner) Get those three right, and it won't matter whether you're with Prince Charming or Quasimodo. If the company is right, it all gels.... Yes, I agree. It's more important to be confident enough to be yourself, and not put up a false front, a façade of someone you hope they will like. It's unsustainable... Tara, re quote above in asterisk --- yes people might get bored with eating the same food every day, and yes people might get bored being in the same relationship every day. But that is assuming one's relationship never grows, changes, evolves. ***Instead of people changing relationships, why not seek *change* within the same relationship?*** My relationship is always changing and evolving. My bf and I are not the same two people we were when we first met. We have both changed, grown and evolved. Both individualy and as a couple. And continue to do so! After five years, our RL is far from boring and mundane. In fact, it's still pretty darn exciting. He has been gone taking care of his sick mom for the past couple of weeks, and I swear, every time I hear from him, I feel like a giddy school girl whose crush just said hi to her! Our sex life is still pretty dynamic too! Relationships do not have to be *same ole same ole" ....it's all in what a couple are willing to put into it ...to prevent it from becoming *same ole same ole.* And how open they are to change and growth.... It is really not all that difficult or daunting if they are 100% committed to making it work! That said, I do agree with the rest of your post. Edited July 27, 2015 by katiegrl 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Tara, re quote above in asterisk --- yes people might get bored with eating the same food every day, and yes people might get bored being in the same relationship every day. But that is assuming one's relationship never grows, changes, evolves. ***Instead of people changing relationships, why not seek *change* within the same relationship?*** I totally agree with you, and I fully understand your comments. As we say, "A man cannot gaze upon the same river, twice." Every day is different, and brings new experiences.... Note what I said, right at the top of my post: It is entirely possible for a marriage to remain happy and monogamous - if that's what two people put their minds to. And as you illustrate, putting their minds to it involves commitment, communication and devotion, respect and trust. Marriage is work-in-progress. We all know, without me pointing it out, how often people cheat, or are cheated on, or are divorced, because a lot of those people have, and are, posting on here. But I'm equally sure we all know of at least one couple who have made it through thick and thin. So really, I think we're thinking along the same lines. I just began chomping at one end of the baguette, while you began chomping on the other end! 1
Redhead14 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Hey LS. So I've been having random thoughts about what the "meat" of relationships, really is. I don't think I've come up with some phenomenal ideal, but as I reflect on relationships I realize that a soulmate perhaps isn't always the person who has so much in common w/us. Maybe I'm late making this observation, but can anyone else relate to the notion of having only a few things in common and only a few shared interests being best to avoid a premature plataue or just frequent boredom of your mate? I say all that mainly because I've dated a few guys that were pretty cool dudes. Treated me nicely in terms of going out and stuff, but Im starting to realize that the guys who i seemingly had so much in common with, also turned me off a bit in the long run with regard to our outing's, activities and overall getting along. I'm starting to think that maybe a few of those guys tried too hard to be "into" what I was into and wanted so much to be seen and heard regarding those interests, that it became a bit annoying in the long run. Most dudes like sports. I'm NOT a sports fan. Tennis , basketball and canoeing are basically what I dig mostly and i can't pretend to be into anything further than that. I know some chics who pretend to be all into sports just to be with "the fellas" and they end up looking real silly,stupid actually. So, its the same when I've dated guys who find out I'm into certain kinds of music(heavy), foods or ways of life. It's annoying when they get all EXTRA with whatever it is, especially when it's merely for attention or to control. It might be cute early on, but in the long run it manifests itself as being about a guy/people who just need lots of attention& control. And it gets old fast. That's great in the quest to impress, but as time goes by and the dude starts trying to play all the music he thinks i might like or trying to be everywhere you are to get attention, etc i just wanna walk away and say "sit down somewhere". Am I wrong for being annoyed by that? I wonder if I just get annoyed easily by attention seekers&control freaks? Isn't it good when your mate gives you something different to look forward to learning about...rather than feeling like they need to compete for.attention btwn you and your interests...??? Feedback welcome. I'm still learning, so I hope I don't sound too hostile with my " observations"... The things that make people "soul mates" are not about hobbies or interests. When both parties are meeting each others NEEDS for a relationship on a mutually gratifying level is when you've found a truly compatible mate. Hobbies/interests are not NEEDS. They only enhance a relationship, they don't make a relationship. Having a couple of things in common is great, but having some that are different as healthy as well. People still need to maintain a sense of autonomy even when in a relationship. If someone feels like they are competing with a partners hobby or interest for attention, their basic relationship needs aren't being met. There has to be balance.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Wow, thanks for sharing! Sounds like some good stuff... So you feel like men are more ambivalent than women to follow thought with counseling? In my experience I have found that for the major part - although certainly not entirely or exclusively - women were more keen to attend counselling. It's not a 'better than/worse than' situation. I really think it's the way we are all wired and programmed. Social and cultural conditioning also plays a huge part. There was one couple: He was Greek, she was British. She requested counselling sessions because she had a huge concern about something familial. Her fiancé was extremely close to his family (European people seem to have stronger bonds and a higher level of loyalty) and his mother was a typical Greek matriarch. Very strong, influential, opinionated and at times quite controlling. While the girl actually got on very well with her prospective MiL, she was nevertheless extremely concerned at the level of interference and intrusion that occurred on a regular basis, and this would impinge and influence their marriage, to her detriment. He wasn't a 'momma's boy' by any means - but he always respected his mother, and would invariably end up doing as she wished or requested. Well they came to us, and he actually thought this was making a mountain out of a molehill. His demeanour was very laid-back, and his attitude was "well she thinks we need counselling, I don't see it myself, but if it makes her happy...." At one point, (because I was still in training, so I was sitting in and observing, more than 'guiding') my Mentor, who was over-seeing their counselling, decided to implement the Speaker/Listener technique. well, there were several false starts. He kept interrupting, so my Mentor - I will call her Jane - had to pause the discussion, and keep him in check. When he tried to paraphrase, Jane at one point interjected with - "No, that's not what she said at all. Listen again." and got the girl to go over her points, once more. After about 25 minutes of trying, he suddenly said: "My God, you really are worried about my mother, aren't you?" At which point, she burst into tears. This was the first time in 6 years she truly felt he had finally HEARD her. Communication is pointless, if it's not Effective. It's all very well getting people to Listen. It's more important to be HEARD. Are couples saying why they're not communicating about these crucial issues?... They were so much in love, they just never thought of broaching many of the topics. Some things were discussed, and they were in agreement on others. It's whereabouts, on the list of priorities, those points actually lay. For example, one couple both wanted a large family. But she had it as number two, he had it as number 5. Is it just an overall issue where people "assume" rather than "ask" their partners about certain issues. One young man always assumed his wife would stop working once they had a family. When she pointed out that she had the higher salary, and it would be more logical if HE gave up working full-time, he fully saw the logic of it. It just had never occurred to him to do it that way... Why assume? Fear of the true answers, laziness, fast paced rhythm of life, etc...? Ineffective or inadequate communication. For example: A woman without her man is nothing could be - A woman, without her man, is nothing.... or it could be A woman: without her, man is nothing! It's all in the inflection..... 2
Author thespacey1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 Ineffective or inadequate communication. For example: A woman without her man is nothing could be - A woman, without her man, is nothing.... or it could be A woman: without her, man is nothing! It's all in the inflection..... I like that... Thanks so much for breaking things down! I think this above part sums it all up... I've noticed in my relationships and in speaking with friends, that based on one's cultural background and socialization simple things are interpreted differently. There are several microaggressions that also exist within some categories, ad nauseum... An even greater observation I've noticed that affects a couple's interaction is their family structure growing up. And if there was no family growing up, then there's a huge issue to contend with. The couple can be drawn to each other by their initial encounter and similar interests, but as soon as the relationship heads to another phase, past family structure has a huge influence on how they communicate with one another and interpret each others actions. e.g., she: loves him,but she also doesn't hesitate doing things and going places on her own rather than trying to find several people to accompany her or waiting for him. He: thinks she's sneaky and/selfish. She's definitely not being sneaky and not (completely) selfish. The gender can be interchanged of course, but in my experience that has been a common issue with relationships I've had and/or heard about from friends. Its contributed to several breakups... Not all good and not all bad.
Recommended Posts