aisuru Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) I've been generally okay. Doing what I know I must. Accepting the break for what it is. Knowing that we needed to address some things, though in general our relationship was good. Knowing I wanted more and needed to address it yet not knowing how. And then he broke it off. I've been okay. Last week he sent me an email and I responded. I have his emails filtered to a folder so I don't get caught off guard if and when he sends them. I only check it once or twice a week and am somewhat disappointed he didn't respond to my latest email (I checked for the first time since I sent my email last week), yet okay he did not. Somewhere in the middle. In my process of grieving the relationship, I'd say I'm somewhere around the anger/acceptance/oh well stage. Already preparing to date again and assessing what I can do within myself for the next relationship. Though honestly, I don't think there is much to change. Maybe some thoughts on our emails would be nice? To reinforce, gently, that I'll be okay and that this will all be okay. His email to me almost two weeks ago: "I am enjoying the book you gave me. How are things going with you? Here, I’m trying to keep things together. I have good days and bad days, though honestly, it seems more bad than good lately. The work situation hasn’t changed and I feel like I am in a free fall with no end in sight. I keep telling myself eventually I’m gonna hit bottom and things only will get better. ha! The one thing that’s been going well is I am cycling more often. It’s been good to get back on the bike. Take my mind off things and use up the energy. I am getting some of my old form back to a point where I’m starting to make my friend suffer on certain rides again. That’s been nice. Here, I miss you too. I’ve thought of you every day since I last saw you. I wonder how you are doing. What you’ve been up to. How things are going at work. with friends. I still feel terrible for what I did to you. I hope I made the right decision cause otherwise, I would have put us through needless pain. It is idealistic of me to hope that we could be friends and hang out. The reality is what I am asking for is difficult. And it’s harder for you than it is for me. I'd understand if you decide in the end that it would be easier to simply lead separate lives. But I am still hoping that you will choose to be a continuing part of my life." My response to him last weekend: "I’m really glad you like the book. I definitely debated whether it was the right thing to give to you, but it was always my wish to see you smile. You have the best smile and your eyes twinkle when you do so. It’s a good sight. Good to hear you are outside cycling more. It’s good for you and you should keep that up. It will balance out the other things in life for you. It’s hard for me to hear the job front is still a struggle for you as I believe you deserve more. If there was a way I could help, I would, though I think you are going to have to trudge through that muck on your own to figure it out. If you need help, you’ll ask those who can help you. Myself included. Don’t feel terrible for what happened. It had to happen. I was going to make it happen sooner, but I didn’t. I was too scared to do so. Please stop saying it is harder for me than you. The reality is I didn’t share all of myself with you and I don’t believe you shared all of yourself with me. So it was bound to happen unless we both made the decision to change that. I have fond memories of you and us. Yet, a loss is still a loss. Regret is regret. I’ve caught myself a couple times about to text you something and realize I can’t. So much has happened. The reality is I can’t be your friend right now. Perhaps not ever. If you said you wanted to try again; while there is part of me would love to hear that, I’m not sure I could even do that to be honest. I still miss you and think of you often, daily as well, wondering what you’re doing or how you’re doing. As I said before, I accept this. I wish it weren’t to be the end of our story, but I’ll accept it as I don’t know how to do otherwise. Believe it or not, I’ve spent a lot of time working on your quilt… and am sorry I didn’t finish it sooner. I am wondering if you still want it? It looks nice, close to what I envisioned in my mind. If you do want it still, please let me know. I can either mail it to you or give it to you in person. I’ll leave that up to you. It was nice to hear from you. I’ll continue to remain hopeful that things start an upward climb for you. I’ll always be one of your biggest fans in life. " That's that. I have no idea why we ended. He basically said I was great and was worried he was making the biggest mistake of his life by breaking up. I would say I had some needs not being met and was close to finally speaking up about it. Nothing major. No fighting. Just the end. I sure do miss talking to him though. Tonight more than other nights. Your support and encouragement would be appreciated right now. I mostly don't want to email or text him so that's why I'm here. Please be gentle. Edited July 22, 2015 by aisuru removing a friend's name from OP
kenmore Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Hey Aisuru; it's nice to meet you! My impression reading your post is one of some clinging, some disdain, some of bewilderment and some of just plain resentment! I totally get it! So you have mixed feelings, it's so natural. I do too, people sometimes call my posts "pedantic" because I still haven't figured out how I feel. I can tell how you feel, you are still in love. You are making a quilt, still look for communication from him, still think of him WAY beyond healthy measures and only want him to communicate with you. Again, I get it! You are setting yourself up for a major hurt though. He will most likely continue his behavior and in fact will raise the bar if you continue to be thoughtful, kind and friendly toward him. I'm sorry, but that's how it always went for me and I believe it's coming for you. You need to let him go somehow. I hate being a harbinger of bad news, but you need to find a much better man. They are all around, some even post here :-P Hugs and please move on! That comes not from scolding, but love. Ken 1
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