Dating my best friend...and it is very strange

[darkchocolatecherry]

I am currently dating someone I considered a close friend. As friends, we have had our ups and downs (most likely because we both developed feelings for each other somewhere along the friendship and would get upset/jealous over trivial things that were said or done). We had a disagreement in March and didn't talk to each other until May, when he told me he had feelings for me. I readily reciprocated, and he proceeded to be very sweet for the next three weeks.

 

Now here are some things that are bothering me.

 

During those three weeks, the farthest we have gone in terms of physicality is cuddling on the sofa during a movie. No kissing, no nothing. This strikes me as strange because we have been close friends for awhile. Could he still be shy at this point? I know he grew up in a very conservative christian household, but he himself is not super religious. He has also had relationship experience in the past (although he never talked about any physical parts of those relationships). I feel like we are middle schoolers again. Then again, I'm not helping by not trying to push things forwards, like going for a kiss.

 

Secondly, after those three weeks together, I went home several states away to study for a major exam of mine. We were going to be long distance for a month. We kept in contact via text every day. He initiated most of those text conversations. No phone calls were made by either of us. I don't completely mind this, since I am very busy studying. However, for the past week, he has not initiated once. He always responds enthusiastically, and we have made plans for a date when I return to where he is in a week. However, the lack of initiation on his part + dearth of phone calls weird me out. I tried not contacting him and went two days without hearing from him before I caved and contacted him again. I wonder if he is losing interest...or if he was all that interested to begin with.

 

 

I guess I expected this relationship to be different. We were super close friends before but it doesn't feel like much has changed besides some couch cuddling. Hmm.

Edited July 22, 2015 by darkchocolatecherry

[ExpatInItaly]

To me, it sounds like he is indeed losing interest. Perhaps he's realized that moving into romantic territory isn't an easy transition and he's not as comfortable with that as he initially thought. If he wanted to take things further, he would be initiating more. Is he perhaps seeing someone?

[darkchocolatecherry]

I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing somebody else. He barely understands the concept of dating, much less dating multiple people. (He had asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend and I said we should first date to see if we were compatible on a romantic level since our relationship had been super platonic before. And he was really confused about that. He also really, really is not the type to reach out to girls and ask for their number/hit on them at a bar. It took him six months to ask out his previous (and only) ex, and he had emphasized that it takes a long time for him to make a move having been burned pretty badly in the past)

 

Yeah, I guess I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to him benign a very slow guy? He got his heart broken pretty badly after a 5 year relationship and since then has been pretty jaded about dating. But maybe I'm just making excuses for him.

 

Unsure if whether I should keep initiating contact or backing off for awhile

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing somebody else. He barely understands the concept of dating, much less dating multiple people. (He had asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend and I said we should first date to see if we were compatible on a romantic level since our relationship had been super platonic before. And he was really confused about that. He also really, really is not the type to reach out to girls and ask for their number/hit on them at a bar. It took him six months to ask out his previous (and only) ex, and he had emphasized that it takes a long time for him to make a move having been burned pretty badly in the past)

 

Yeah, I guess I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to him benign a very slow guy? He got his heart broken pretty badly after a 5 year relationship and since then has been pretty jaded about dating. But maybe I'm just making excuses for him.

 

Unsure if whether I should keep initiating contact or backing off for awhile

 

How long ago was the break-up?

 

I think you're seeing that maybe as a romantic partner, he might just not be compatible with you. Or perhaps he's just not ready to enter another relationship.

 

I would back off. You don't want to always be the one initiating contact. This will help you see if there's really any sustainable connection. It looks like there might not be.

[RoseHeart]

It can be difficult for some people to effectively communicate via texting especially for extended periods of time that they aren't used to. I know guys who genuinely just don't see the importance of having to text every single day and it's not coming from a bad place or anything. It's just that some folks do not see the significance of constantly being in contact when it comes to texting. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you just because he appears to be a bit more distant when it comes to texting. At least he's replying to you and reacts positively. He just seems to not get the importance of initiating a bit more when you're at distance. Remember a lot of people aren't cut out for long distance relationships which is why they aren't in one to begin with.

 

It seems like you have enough things going on to make you wonder if the feelings are still there. I suggest when you get back you can see if things aren't going a bit better and if it doesn't then it's maybe time to ask him what's going on

[darkchocolatecherry]

How long ago was the break-up?

 

I think you're seeing that maybe as a romantic partner, he might just not be compatible with you. Or perhaps he's just not ready to enter another relationship.

 

I would back off. You don't want to always be the one initiating contact. This will help you see if there's really any sustainable connection. It looks like there might not be.

 

 

This was actually two years ago. So I think that by now he should be at least over her. But perhaps the experience has changed the way he deals with women? He is one of the slowest moving guys I know. And before we started dating, I never actually saw him trying to hit on any girls. It just seemed like he was never interested in anyone, even though there were a couple of girls throwing themselves at him.

[darkchocolatecherry]

It can be difficult for some people to effectively communicate via texting especially for extended periods of time that they aren't used to. I know guys who genuinely just don't see the importance of having to text every single day and it's not coming from a bad place or anything. It's just that some folks do not see the significance of constantly being in contact when it comes to texting. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you just because he appears to be a bit more distant when it comes to texting. At least he's replying to you and reacts positively. He just seems to not get the importance of initiating a bit more when you're at distance. Remember a lot of people aren't cut out for long distance relationships which is why they aren't in one to begin with.

 

It seems like you have enough things going on to make you wonder if the feelings are still there. I suggest when you get back you can see if things aren't going a bit better and if it doesn't then it's maybe time to ask him what's going on

 

Yeah, he did say that he was bad at distance. But if texting is the only communication we have, how can he go 2 days without feeling an urge to check in?

 

 

I think at this point, I'm starting to wonder about how compatible we are and whether I would be able to deal with a boyfriend like this if this doesn't improve. On the other hand, I don't want to give anything up because I truly do like him. I've known that I liked him for awhile, and I always felt like he liked me as well so when we finally did get together I was so happy. What a downer.

[dragonfire13]

Hmm in my experience, if I sense a guy is losing interest he usually is.

 

However, some guys just become lazy communicators when they "have" you.

 

Try to resist the urge to initiate contact and see what happens. If you hear from him, that's a good sign.

 

 

If not, I would assume I'm getting the slow-fade and would probably confront him eventually to get a definitive answer if he's lost interest in or not, so I won't continue to waste my time.

 

It seems like you have more pressing things to worry about at the moment (your exams) so I would wait till they're over to confront him. Least that gives him a chance to reach out too.

[RoseHeart]

Yeah, he did say that he was bad at distance. But if texting is the only communication we have, how can he go 2 days without feeling an urge to check in?

 

 

I think at this point, I'm starting to wonder about how compatible we are and whether I would be able to deal with a boyfriend like this if this doesn't improve. On the other hand, I don't want to give anything up because I truly do like him. I've known that I liked him for awhile, and I always felt like he liked me as well so when we finally did get together I was so happy. What a downer.

 

 

Going several days without contact is not always a sign of disinterest. The guy I've been seeing for a while now also went MIA for several days sometimes during our holidays (we're at uni and when it's holidays we go to our separate home towns) and it has never changed anything. He's simply just not the type of guy to constantly be on his phone chatting away. The problem comes when you do initiate contact but the other person ignores your message. That is a very different thing and a sign of disinterest. But simply not initiating contact for a day or two is NOT always a sign of the guy not being interested. Sometimes in past relationships a day or so would also sometimes go by without us talking but it didn't take away from what we had. Each couple is different and so is their texting styles. Some couples want to text multiple times a day others are more relaxed. There's no *wrong* or *right* as long as you aren't getting ignored. That's bad.

 

If you truly do like him then don't give up! When you get back talk to him and sort these things out. Do not jump to conclusions especially if it's trying to analyze someone's texting habits. That never ends up good because you honestly can't tell someone's true feelings by just judging from their frequency of texting.

[darkchocolatecherry]

Going several days without contact is not always a sign of disinterest. The guy I've been seeing for a while now also went MIA for several days sometimes during our holidays (we're at uni and when it's holidays we go to our separate home towns) and it has never changed anything. He's simply just not the type of guy to constantly be on his phone chatting away. The problem comes when you do initiate contact but the other person ignores your message. That is a very different thing and a sign of disinterest. But simply not initiating contact for a day or two is NOT always a sign of the guy not being interested. Sometimes in past relationships a day or so would also sometimes go by without us talking but it didn't take away from what we had. Each couple is different and so is their texting styles. Some couples want to text multiple times a day others are more relaxed. There's no *wrong* or *right* as long as you aren't getting ignored. That's bad.

 

If you truly do like him then don't give up! When you get back talk to him and sort these things out. Do not jump to conclusions especially if it's trying to analyze someone's texting habits. That never ends up good because you honestly can't tell someone's true feelings by just judging from their frequency of texting.

 

I hope this is the case. I don't want to give up on him. I got used to hearing from him at least once a day and the sudden change was concerning.

 

 

But yes, I do have bigger concerns. I don't have much time

until my exam so I should not even be wasting my time on worrying about us. It is so hard not to get distracted by this though.

 

On another note, I wonder if how clingy/needy you are in a relationship is an indicator of interest, or if it is simply a reflection of your personality. After holding back from contacting him, this feeling of neediness is growing in me, and I really want to stop feeling this way.