Alex_Monte Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Hi guys, I could really use some help/advice regarding my current situation. I'll try to summarize things without boring you, sorry for the long post. I'm a 30 years old scientist living and working in south america. A year ago I moved to a new place and bumped into a very attractive lady. After several months of just saying hi, something happened... From there, we had a one month relationship which I'm embarassed to say is the best thing that happened in my life (sad but true...) After a month, she started acting cold and eventually dumped me saying that I was too young for her (she was 6 years older), that she wanted to get married and have kids and that I was not ready for that. During that month, there were lots of red flags indicating that she might have borderline disorder... She had one heck of an ex boyfriend collection including famous artists that she ended up dumping. A year ago, she was engaged to a guy she described as the "whole package" and yet decided to break it up for no reason. Our short relationship was intense...she used to cry a lot after sex, and would tell me things like: "You're going to be the best dad ever" "I love you" "I had my share of men in life, but not one ever gave me as much peace and joy as you" "I'm not sure I deserve this...the way you look at me, the way you touch me"... She would tell me all these things while crying with intense tears and I would just be there kind of shocked/speechless while trying to confort her. During the pre-break up week of silent treatment, I knew she was going to use the "You're not ready to get married yet" card.... So I went ahead and bought an engagemet ring...Not to propose to her, just prove to her that I was serious about what we had going. (She spend substantial time saying she wanted to get married asap and have kids...She even asked me if I would be willing to adopt a kid because she's 36...) The break up: After one week of silent treatment, she came to my place and said we had to move on because I was too young blabla....I was in control of myself and just pointed out that she was well aware of the age difference and should'nt have wasted both our times. I was overall diplomatic, didn't beg. She suggested we stay friends with possible benefits...which I accepted. The next day, I wanted to talk to her about the break up. I didn't beg her back or anything, just told her that it was going to be difficult to just pretend, to which she replied that the FWB was actually a bad idea... I hugged her good bye and just left...I then texted her that I had bought her a "small" gift (the engagement ring) that I would give her next time I see her... Couple days later, I left the engagement ring at her place...I was drunk (I had to...); Some unpleasant messages were exchanged, she returned me the ring and we eventually entered NC phase... Three weeks into NC, I sent her a message to check if she was doing OK. We were both friendly in our messages and then proceeded with NC. After 3 months of NC, we bumped into each other at the building gym. She immidiately said "oh, so you're still alive...". We had the typical "been a while, what's up?" conversation and went back to our workouts... We bumped into each other again couple of days later and this time, I though I'll just be short about our exchanges. Just saying 'Hi, how you doin'...". The thing is recently, we are bumping into each other more frequently...I try to keep my poker face on but deep down, I just want to rip my eyes off because I still have feelings for her and I'm still attracted to her. Sometimes she does some provocative exercices right in front of me and keeps watching the mirror to see if I'm checking her out... Since I've been depressed for months about this situation, I had a beard on and last time she said "I like your beard...". WTF? I've done everything in my power to forget her...and I'm just out of options despite being a very active guy. I play several music instruments, do lots of sports, play videos games, read books, started painting... After the break up, I started drinking heavily to alleviate the pain (I know, that's bad but apparetnly much better than antidepressants). Stopped drinking and hit the gym as hard as I could, to the point where I had trouble sleeping at night due to physical fatigue but that seemed to be the only distraction from her.... Now I keeep bumping into her even when I change my workout hours. I can't really afford to go to another gym. I can't move out of my apartment right now because my lease expires only in 3 months... I was planing to stay in the country much longer but this whole situation is taking a tall on me, so I started applying for jobs overseas and things are looking good. If everything goes right I might move out of the country right after my lease expires. So what do I do till then? I'm so confused and depressed. I just can't understand her coldness...Did she just loose attraction? Did she mean everything she said or was just playing me? If I manage to move out in the coming months, should I say good bye or just leave? Right now, We are in NC mode but when we bump into each other we act like nothing ever happened and just say hi, no conversation. So awkward! One of the reasons I've decided to leave the buidling (and the country...) is that I will just not be able to face one the highly probable upcoming situations: 1) She gets married/pregnant and moves out of the building 2) I see her with her brand new boyfriend at the gym or swimming pool which so far, miraculously hasn't happened yet. I'm hoping to get a job overseas and just move on with my life. One thing is for sure: I can't stand seeing her for much longer and keep pretending I'm cool. Part of me wants to put ego aside and contact her in order to try to have anything going on for the next months.. I'm leaving the country anyways, what do I have to loose? On one hand I could say good bye just to be diplomatic. That could show her that I'm moving on with my life or that I'm so weak that I have to run away from her (she knows I was supposed to stay longer in the country). On the other hand, I could leave without saying good bye and just leave her the engagement ring somewhere... maybe she will treat the next guy better and avoid playing him.... I've never felt something so strong about someone before. I'm trapped between potential regret and remors, i.e., keeping NC and eventually burning bridges or try to reconnect with her to enjoy my remainng time in the country if she wants to and accept it was not meant to be something for the long run. A LTR is sadly just impossible... I'm sure I've missed many details in my post so feel free to ask. Any advice is welcome. Thank you guys in advance for reading.
thespacey1 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Hey Alex. I'm so sorry about what you're going through... I really am. I'm going through a rough break up myself. But back to you. Do you plan on notifying any loved ones about your move? Are you financially able to sustain yourself without getting into more stress? I totally understand your decision, I've thought about doing just the same , only another state rather than leaving the country. If leaving the country will empower you and allow you to grieve the way you need to, then go! Enjoy! Otherwise, know that your pain and confusion will dissipate sooner than later even if you stay within the country. She sounds more than skittish... I know that's not going to help you get over her right away but she sounds almost like she wants to see how far you go for her only to jerk you around further. She compliments you but breaks up with you and keeps giving you compliments? Wtf? If nothing else, sublet your apartment asap. You've got to get out of that building definitely and don't tell her why. She deserves no explanation at all. She sounds like a sadist , at best. And oh! Please keep that engagement ring... She doesn't deserve it. 1
Author Alex_Monte Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Hi thespacey1, Thanks for your post. Do you plan on notifying any loved ones about your move? Sadly, I burned bridges with my family years ago (after they threatened to kick me out of the house if I ever decide to pursue my dream of becoming a professional athlete, plus other stuff...). So...no loved ones to notify or to rely on for moral support... Most of my friends are work colleagues, so I would rather not share what's going on in my personal life... Are you financially able to sustain yourself without getting into more stress? Yes, I have enough savings to avoid financial stress on top of the situation... And oh! Please keep that engagement ring... She doesn't deserve it. The "engagement" ring is of no serious value ($50). It is merely a symbol of what could have been. I forgot to mention that she also returned the earings I offered for her birthday. In terms of money, I don't have much to gain from keeping the ring and earings. So maybe it's best to just leave them before I move. Thanks again thespacey1 for your message and hope you're doing OK with your break up....
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