Finally Heard From Her

[IronZ]

Recap of situation: Met girl, really liked her, got along great, went on amazing date, then she disappears and falls off the face of the Earth.

 

 

Update: I woke up this morning to an early text from her. I was surprised, thought I actually would never hear from her again. Text was long. Started out in a jokey manner making some BS excuse of how she was so busy Yeah.. because people are so busy all the time 24/7 that they can't respond to a simple text message...

 

Text then went into detail about how she never saw me as anything more than a friend, and that we should stay friends. She seemed to be trying to be nice about it, calling me "sweet" and so on, but there was a huge air of arrogance about it. I showed the text to 2 different friends to get feedback and they both (independently mind you) said she sounded arrogant. One of them even said "who does she think she is...?"

 

I don't know what game she was playing to be honest. I'm not a bad looking guy. I'm well educated and intelligent. I have a great personality and (as shown by our date) can talk to someone for hours and hours and make them laugh all night. For her to say the things she said really baffled me. I don't know what she was looking for but she had a very good potential love-interest here and she threw it away in a stupid way.

 

I didn't text her back right away. I waited until the end of the day and then hit her with a long-ish text of my own agreeing that we should stay friends, and basically telling her that I didn't think she was the type of woman that I could be serious with and that I never saw this going anywhere. Basically I turned the tables on her. She wants to play the "I'm better than you" game? Two can play it.. I'm not going to text her again now. Ball's in her court as to whether she wants to make contact again. I'll let her stew on this for a while.

[Gaeta]

The ball is in no ones court.

 

You know some people are very uncomfortable rejecting dates. They don't really know how to word it, they want to do it nicely but without realizing it they come across as arrogant. I think you paid too much attention on how she worded it. It's not important. What's important is that she found the gut to let you know she did not wish to pursue. Instead of seeking vengeance by being nasty to her you should have said thank you for being straight forward and I wish her luck. Instead you lied. Instead of saying the truth which was you were disappointed you lied through your teeth to hurt her. Does that make you boyfriend material? Because if you had been in a relationship you would have used the same maneuver during a conflict.

[Amalyn]

Ball's in her court as to whether she wants to make contact again. I'll let her stew on this for a while.

 

I regret to inform you, but you probably won't hear from her again. This is over but at least now you can move on.

[fitnessfan365]

You really liked her and had an amazing date. So why didn't you call her a few days later and arrange another one? Rule of thumb dude. If you like a girl and want to see her again, it's on you as the guy to set up the second date.

 

She probably sat around confused why this guy she seemingly hit it off with bailed on her.

[IronZ]

Both of you, let's get something clear. I didn't "hurt her." I didn't say anything nasty to her. I was polite about it and told her I didn't see it going anywhere. I don't know where you got the idea that I was nasty because I never even wrote what my message was. Stop looking for context where there isn't any.

 

Second, I'm not going to play the pathetic loser here. If you had seen her message you would realize yourself how badly she came across. It's not a matter of her owning up to it and telling me. She had multiple days to figure out what she was going to say to me and she chose very specific words and phrases to belittle me.

 

Just because I'm taking the high road and not letting her disregard for my feelings get to me, I'm the bad guy? I feel like you're both being influenced by your own experiences here. Let's refrain from calling me out on something I didn't do. K? Thanks.

[IronZ]

You really liked her and had an amazing date. So why didn't you call her a few days later and arrange another one? Rule of thumb dude. If you like a girl and want to see her again, it's on you as the guy to set up the second date.

 

She probably sat around confused why this guy she seemingly hit it off with bailed on her.

 

You should read my original thread. I did reach out to her multiple times. She disappeared. It was the other way around. I sat around waiting for an answer from her that came way too late and was very rude.

[Amalyn]

Both of you, let's get something clear. I didn't "hurt her." I didn't say anything nasty to her. I was polite about it and told her I didn't see it going anywhere. I don't know where you got the idea that I was nasty because I never even wrote what my message was. Stop looking for context where there isn't any.

 

Second, I'm not going to play the pathetic loser here. If you had seen her message you would realize yourself how badly she came across. It's not a matter of her owning up to it and telling me. She had multiple days to figure out what she was going to say to me and she chose very specific words and phrases to belittle me.

 

Just because I'm taking the high road and not letting her disregard for my feelings get to me, I'm the bad guy? I feel like you're both being influenced by your own experiences here. Let's refrain from calling me out on something I didn't do. K? Thanks.

 

OP, you should honestly feel a sense of relief. If her text was in fact belittling you, you are much better off without her. There is a nice girl out there for you and she won't do that.

[fitnessfan365]

You should read my original thread. I did reach out to her multiple times. She disappeared. It was the other way around. I sat around waiting for an answer from her that came way too late and was very rude.

 

So she flakes on multiple attempts you made to reach out, and then eventually gets back to you saying she just wants to be friends? Why the hell would she even bother to send that? I'm sure you got the hint from her disappearing act.

 

For future reference, if a woman you like ever says she just wants to be friends you say this to her - "I'm only interested in romance. So feel free to contact me if you change your mind, but I have no interest in friendship". Don't ever agree to it.

[RoseVille]

The ball is in no ones court.

 

You know some people are very uncomfortable rejecting dates. They don't really know how to word it, they want to do it nicely but without realizing it they come across as arrogant. I think you paid too much attention on how she worded it. It's not important. What's important is that she found the gut to let you know she did not wish to pursue. Instead of seeking vengeance by being nasty to her you should have said thank you for being straight forward and I wish her luck. Instead you lied. Instead of saying the truth which was you were disappointed you lied through your teeth to hurt her. Does that make you boyfriend material? Because if you had been in a relationship you would have used the same maneuver during a conflict.

 

Absolutely spot on, 100000%.

[RoseVille]

This:

 

I have a great personality

 

Does NOT match this:

 

...basically telling her that I didn't think she was the type of woman that I could be serious with and that I never saw this going anywhere. Basically I turned the tables on her. She wants to play the "I'm better than you" game? Two can play it..

 

Also:

 

Both of you, let's get something clear. I didn't "hurt her." I didn't say anything nasty to her. I was polite about it and told her I didn't see it going anywhere.

 

You were rude and your intentions were pretty obvious. I bet she's actually thinking, "Thank god, dodged that bullet!" Your goal was to put her down, make her think you're better than her, that "she's not the type of woman you could be serious with" (she's lower than you), and "you never saw this going anywhere" (petty comment to deflect rejection, but rude nonetheless).

 

If you had seen her message you would realize yourself how badly she came across.

 

Post it, then. An honest, non-edited version.

 

Just because I'm taking the high road and not letting her disregard for my feelings get to me, I'm the bad guy?

 

You don't seem to understand what "taking the high road" means. You most definitely didn't take it. The high road would have been, "I am disappointed, but understand. Best of luck to you!" NOT what you wrote to her.

[IronZ]

So she flakes on multiple attempts you made to reach out, and then eventually gets back to you saying she just wants to be friends? Why the hell would she even bother to send that? I'm sure you got the hint from her disappearing act.

 

For future reference, if a woman you like ever says she just wants to be friends you say this to her - "I'm only interested in romance. So feel free to contact me if you change your mind, but I have no interest in friendship". Don't ever agree to it.

 

I doubt her offer of friendship was genuine anyway. I've seen this before too many times to know how it ends. Anyway thanks for the advice. Next time I guess.

[joseb]

Look, she just isn't interested in you. It happens all the time.

Nothing baffling or confusing. Everyone doesn't have to be into everyone.

We just need a few:)

 

Without seeing what she texted I can't tell if she was arrogant or not.

Maybe you can post it?

 

But at least now you know there is no need to waste another minute of thought on this one.

[IronZ]

I wouldn't be comfortable posting it. Security reasons, you know? I'd be paraphrasing it anyway, so just take my word that I'm usually a good judge of character and can read people pretty well.. for the most part. I checked with close friends and they came to the same conclusion.

 

She was very clearly talking down to me whilst trying to appear nice. It was very rude and condescending when you read between the lines. It's like when you take out a girl and specifically order a "diet coke" for her instead of a coke in order to subconsciously make her feel worse about herself.

 

Anyway what's done is done. You're right. No more wasting time on this. It is a sense of relief I suppose. Part of me wishes it could have worked but what can I do.. she decided that for both of us. Oh well.

[RoseVille]

She was very clearly talking down to me whilst trying to appear nice. It was very rude and condescending...

 

So were you.

 

And I cannot tell you how many times I found myself in this girl's shoes, attempting to let a guy down easy - a guy who I enjoyed a date with, enjoyed talking to, but didn't feel a spark with (and thus didn't kiss him at the end of the date), who continued to contact me and didn't get the "I'm ignoring you as the gentlest way to show lack of interest" silence - with a text message or email (that could easily be misinterpreted), only to receive a message back like yours - one that basically says, "Oh yeah? Well I didn't like you anyway!"

 

That's precisely how your message came across. No matter what she said to you, your response was a poor one - comes across as immature, bitter, insecure.

 

Learn from this. The world is smaller than you think, and thinking how you handled it is okay will only cause you to repeat that crap. You don't want to be that guy, the one she feels relieved to have dodged and talks about with girlfriends over happy hour about how poorly guys react to rejection. You want to be the guy she thinks about down the road in the silence of her quiet, lonely bedroom, "Man, he was such a mature gentleman... what if I effed that up?"

[Jejangles]

And I cannot tell you how many times I found myself in this girl's shoes, attempting to let a guy down easy - a guy who I enjoyed a date with, enjoyed talking to, but didn't feel a spark with (and thus didn't kiss him at the end of the date), who continued to contact me and didn't get the "I'm ignoring you as the gentlest way to show lack of interest" silence - with a text message or email (that could easily be misinterpreted), only to receive a message back like yours - one that basically says, "Oh yeah? Well I didn't like you anyway!"

 

Yes, so much this! I used to ghost on guys because I couldn't find the right words. But I realised ghosting is kind of a ****ty move. So now I always try to end things cleanly, and it can be hard to find the words to say "I don't want to continue" in a nice way. It's possible this girl ghosted you, felt bad so texted you to confirm that yes she's done, and now you responded in a very immature way. Having been on the other end of it, all that kind of response does is make me roll my eyes and confirm I made the right decision!

 

I don't think you'll hear from her again. You may want to reconsider how you handle situations like this in the future.

[RoseVille]

Yes, so much this! I used to ghost on guys because I couldn't find the right words. But I realised ghosting is kind of a ****ty move. So now I always try to end things cleanly, and it can be hard to find the words to say "I don't want to continue" in a nice way. It's possible this girl ghosted you, felt bad so texted you to confirm that yes she's done, and now you responded in a very immature way. Having been on the other end of it, all that kind of response does is make me roll my eyes and confirm I made the right decision!

 

I don't think you'll hear from her again. You may want to reconsider how you handle situations like this in the future.

 

And opinions vary whether any sort of "let down" is even necessary after just one date, especially when meeting online.

[IronZ]

You know how hard it is to get so caught up in something and then have it blow up in your face because of one person who apparently never intended it to go anywhere? And then this person does several things to hurt you morally and emotionally and then they put you down? Yet here you guys are trashing me for defending myself against people who pull this kind of stuff. Unbelievable. Thanks for making me feel even more like crap. The one place I can come to and feel safe enough to share my feelings and I'm getting attacked.

[beach]

You should read my original thread. I did reach out to her multiple times. She disappeared. It was the other way around. I sat around waiting for an answer from her that came way too late and was very rude.

 

Then why didn't you just respond to her by telling her she was way too late and that it was rude...?

 

There's not going to be any friendship - why did you go along with that knowing you thought she's been rude?

[Jejangles]

And opinions vary whether any sort of "let down" is even necessary after just one date, especially when meeting online.

 

Very true. I implemented a "no ghosting" policy after I ran into two guys I had ghosted on IRL after the fact... They were completely random people, or so I thought, I didn't realise I had any connection to either of them. One showed up in the elevator where I live (oh yeah, oops, turns out he lived in the same building) and one showed up as the boyfriend of a friend of a friend at a New Year's Eve party. After those experiences I decided I personally would feel better having closure so I didn't feel completely awkward when I possibly ran into these people again.

 

Obviously there's no need to follow-up if someone doesn't contact me after a first date. But if he contacts me and asks me out for a second date, I will decline politely.

[RoseVille]

You know how hard it is to get so caught up in something and then have it blow up in your face because of one person who apparently never intended it to go anywhere? And then this person does several things to hurt you morally and emotionally and then they put you down? Yet here you guys are trashing me for defending myself against people who pull this kind of stuff. Unbelievable. Thanks for making me feel even more like crap. The one place I can come to and feel safe enough to share my feelings and I'm getting attacked.

 

You're blame shifting and playing the victim.

 

You had one date with a girl you met online. She didn't feel the connection you did. She explained it to you, offered to be friends. In response, you put her down and devalued the time you spent investing in one another.

 

Until you understand that the way you handled this wasn't the best, I suspect you'll encounter similar disappointments.

[Papa Beef Cake]

I guess you were expecting everyone to high five you for "turning the tables" on this girl but truthfully you just come off really poorly in your first post.

 

Clearly, this girl rejected you and you were hurt so you decided to play the "You can't reject me, I'm rejecting you!" card. It's silly and immature and it isn't going to impress anyone here.

 

You can't turn the tables on someone who dumps you by trying to dump them back. If you wanted support from people here, you should have just posted how you were sad about being rejected. Adding on the part about your petty response to the girl kind of blew your chance at getting sympathy here.

 

But hey, there is always another girl. Don't get too hung up on this one, it sounds like there was only one of two dates.

 

Good luck...

[katiegrl]

 

 

***You know how hard it is to get so caught up in something and then have it blow up in your face because of one person who apparently never intended it to go anywhere? And then this person does several things to hurt you morally and emotionally and then they put you down? ***

 

 

 

Yet here you guys are trashing me for defending myself against people who pull this kind of stuff. Unbelievable. Thanks for making me feel even more like crap. The one place I can come to and feel safe enough to share my feelings and I'm getting attacked.

 

First off, it was not HER fault that YOU got so *caught up* in whatever it was you got so caught up in after only one date. That is on you, and you alone.

 

That said, to put things in better context, it would be helpful for us to actually read the last text she wrote you.....the one that prompted you to lash back.

 

Only then will we be able to determine whether or not what you wrote back was warranted, and not just an over-reaction to her simply not being interested after only one date...

[dragonfire13]

OP - I would stop replying to some on here as it seems to feed it. Some people can sit and argue on here for days and seem to thrive off picking at every character flaw that may come across in a post.

 

In regards to your original post, I too would be annoyed if someone faded-out and then remerged with some patronising text.

 

Perhaps they don't like that you didn't put up more of a fight and need to get that attention/ego boost again.

 

Regardless, I would just let the situation be. Responding or initiating contact will just be a waste of time. If things turned complicated after just ONE date, you're best off letting the situation go.

 

Take it as a compliment that she felt the need to reach out, try to recognise any good intentions behind it and just move on.

[Lansing]

I agree with others in that I think the appropriate response would have been no response. You don't need to make up stories (i.e. saying you thought it was just friendly too) to try to save face. I would reflect on why you felt a need to respond like that (because, it did come across as lashing out and trying to turn the tables) and consider if that attitude is coming across in other ways when you are meeting/dating people.

[empresario]

I never got the whole 'jokes on you' thing. You didn't turn the table on her. You gave her the type of response she wanted. There is nothing you can do to make her feel bad. She doesn't like you, regardless of how well you see yourself. Not everyone likes you. Not everyone is required to like you.

 

 

When I get a girl that ignores me to get rid of me or one that pulls the same tactic as this girl did to you I simply ignore it or respond with "thanks for the input I appreciate the honesty". Nothing you say or do will make a difference on how she feels about you. However, you can escape the situation with your pride and reward her intentions...which were to give you honest (albeit late) closure instead of never giving you a reason.