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It's only been 2 weeks but I feel like I have already learned a lot.

Xiomn

By Xiomn
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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If there's one thing I have learned from my breakup two weeks ago it is that if they ask for time and space or want to be alone you should give it to them. When she broke up with me I felt betrayed, she said she had been talking about focusing on herself, university, maturing herself, focusing on her studies, her writing, job and aspirations and being alone for a while now with her friend but before breaking up with me she hadn't expressed her feelings to me in any way. She broke up with me over Facebook suddenly out of the blue, not even in person.

 

I never felt like I got proper justification from her as to why she broke up with me because at the time I adamantly refused to believe that needing time and space and wanting to be alone was a proper response. She refused to meet up with me, talk to me about the breakup. Days before she broke up with me she told me she loved me, told me I was the best, sending me all these love emoticons over Facebook. We were planning on moving into a flat together soon, she had talked about marrying me, even going as far as to planning the costs for the wedding and where we would have it, she wanted me to propose to her, she wanted to have kids with me.

 

All of a sudden she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, she has goals in life and doesn't need the added stress of holding down a relationship at the same time with university, her goals of writing and a job..perhaps it was genuine, maybe it wasn't, I will never know. Some people will be sceptical, naturally. It doesn't really matter now, there's nothing I can do. It's a natural reaction to be sceptical and think the worst of things and think they just doesn't love you anymore or there is someone else behind the scenes, etc.

 

Anyway, because of all this, how we were planning so much together and telling me she loves me only days before, I was very confused, I refused to believe that we couldn't just work it out somehow, I continually messaged her, trying to persuade her, pressuring her, begging her, pleading her. The end result was that I made it far worse than it already was, much worse. Because of her annoyance she blocked me off Facebook to stop me from messaging her.

 

I gave her space, initially, but It wasn't much, a mere petty 1 week and I did it again, I couldn't help myself, I started texting her again over the phone, we started talking and having a friendly conversation again like friends to my absolute surprise (despite her telling me only a week before how she never wanted me to try and contact her ever again, so for all those out there in this position don't give up hope, as they are probably just angry at the time of you pleading to them like an annoying ***** and will come around eventually) I eventually got her to meet up with me after her continual refusal to do so, things looked to be on the up, she told me prior that she didn't want to talk about us when we met up..

 

I messed up again by not listening to her, I proposed to her..my biggest regret yet, not because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her, but because I know I should of listened to her call for space. I didn't know when or if I would ever see her again, I went into the meeting expecting to never see her again, so desperation took over. That was the final straw for her.. she told me that I couldn't respect her wishes for space. She told me she loved me previously at least a little bit, but after proposing she clearly stated that she lost her love for me on the basis of my continued nagging and desperation, she lost respect for me because I wouldn't listen to her wishes for time and space and because of that she told me she didn't love me anymore and we said our final goodbyes because she couldn't handle speaking to me anymore, not because she was angry, but because she couldn't bear the thought of seeing me hurt and talking to me was messing her up more than me.

 

I didn't accept the fact she didn't want a relationship right now. As a result, the progress I made on getting back on talking terms with her again I crushed once again, She said I don't think we can be friends anymore, because she knew I couldn't let go of my romantic feelings for her and it would never work out. She said I don't think we should keep in contact anymore. That was it.. I pushed her to the ultimate limit, I don't know whether she will ever contact me again, but I'm certain it sure as hell won't be anytime soon. I'm now in day 1 of No Contact. That's how big my desperation got.. going to the ultimate extent of proposing to my ex, oh how foolish i was, I thought if I did it, it would be like a movie and she would be shocked and fall back in love with me all over again over night but reality hit me in the face.

 

Don't repeat my mistakes. If your ex asks for time and space or wants to be alone then give it to them. No other action can come any good from it. You will only repeat my mistakes and push her away completely. I used to like the fact that she would still contact me as a friend, every time I got a message from her I would jump out of my seat all excited because i was so dependent on her, I saw her every day for 10 months because we lived together. But as time passed not messaging me i gradually felt worse until i got my next "dose" of her texting me again. It was like a rollercoaster of emotions, happy one minute and sad the next. When we met up as friends face to face for the first time we broke up it did nothing more but revert myself back to square one..she just wanted to be friends but I wanted something more and it killed me inside just being with her knowing that. I fooled myself into thinking I could be happy just being around her as a friend.

 

Many people will not listen, they will plead, beg, make acts of desperation to their ex's to get them back as I did despite hearing this. I did the same..I scoured hundreds of forums, many whom said to go No contact immediately and give them space as they asked. My love for her blinded me and I refused to listen to the advice of these people. We should not blame them however, we have all done it and learned from our mistakes. The only way they will truly learn is if they to make the same mistakes and realize it, but at the same time we should always try and hope that we can prevent others from making the same mistakes regardless.

 

I also learned a lot of other things, I hurt her a lot emotionally because of my own insecurities, because I didn't have many friends I became too dependent on her which became unattractive. I know now if I were to get into a relationship with another person or if me and her were to reconcile one day then I would not make the same mistakes again. It took me the deep emotional pain of a first breakup to make me learn my lesson, the most emotional pain I have ever felt in my entire life as of yet. I know I can apply my experience to future relationships and become a better person in the future because of how much she has taught me.

Edited by Xiomn
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drallafi Established Member

drallafi

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Posted

Damn dude you proposed? Ugh.... f*ck. It wasn't in public, was it?

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Damn dude you proposed? Ugh.... f*ck. It wasn't in public, was it?

 

Lol yeah, luckily not many people saw it though, only like 3 people or something, people mind you I will never see again. After I did it I felt completely and utterly ridiculous seriously. Looking back on it though, as I said hardly anyone saw it and I'll never see these people again so it doesn't bother me now. Don't worry, it wasn't in a place with hundreds of people watching or anything, LUCKILY.

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Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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Stop blaming yourself. There's nothing you did wrong. You loved her too much?? C'mon now don't be silly. When your partner starts asking for space you can rest assured that relationship is on a downward spiral. Who knows what her deal is. Like I said in the other thread, even if you knew the "why", it still wouldn't change the fact that it's over. There is no happy ending before the credits roll.

 

You need to forgive yourself. Okay, so maybe you went overboard trying to desperately win her back. Even if you didn't, I don't think that would have made a difference. It doesn't sound like she was all too happy in the relationship for a long time. Use this as a learning experience, grow from it, let it empower you. Work on yourself, get your confidence back. First step is to commit to NC and stick to it. You're not alone, heck I'm only 2 weeks NC myself. My life has been turned upside down, but I'm not gonna let it defeat me and you shouldn't either.

Edited by Gus Grimly
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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Stop blaming yourself. There's nothing you did wrong. You loved her too much?? C'mon now don't be silly. When your partner starts asking for space you can rest assure that relationship is on a downward spiral. Who know's what her deal is. Like I said in the other thread, even if you knew the "why", it still wouldn't change the fact that it's over. There is no happy ending before the credits roll.

 

You need to forgive yourself. Okay, so maybe you went overboard trying to desperately win her back. Even if you didn't, I don't think that would have made a difference. It doesn't sound like she was all too happy in the relationship for a long time. Use this as a learning experience, grow from it, let it empower you. Work on yourself, get your confidence back. First step is to commit to NC and stick to it. You're not alone, heck I'm only 2 weeks NC myself. My life has been turned upside down, but I'm not gonna let it defeat me and you shouldn't either.

 

 

Cheers man, we are both NC now. Right now I'm feeling like I don't give a **** anymore, if she wants to reconcile then she can come to me and even then I'll probably ignore her because I can't be arsed with her anymore at the moment. I need to move on and forget about her for a while and recover I've said everything I need to say to her.

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Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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Cheers man, we are both NC now. Right now I'm feeling like I don't give a **** anymore, if she wants to reconcile then she can come to me and even then I'll probably ignore her because I can't be arsed with her anymore at the moment. I need to move on and forget about her for a while and recover I've said everything I need to say to her.

 

Good for you!! Yes, you need some space from her. Give yourself some room to grow. Sort of like a plant when it gets transferred to a bigger pot. Surround yourself with people who will instill you with positivity. Stay active and keep yourself busy. There's so much you can do to avoid thinking about her during the day. You can do anything, it's all within your reach.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Just one comment:

 

Always and everywhere, maintain your dignity.

 

 

Take care.

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