How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?

[mtnbiker3000]

Didn't you already get that from the fact that he didn't say "I love you" for 14 months and stares at walls and completely ignored me for days every single conflict we had? And that his sister begged me (when I messaged her online) to "'make him" care more about their family bc she feels forgotten?

 

1000 pardons... How silly of us...

[rams10]

Oh not trying to offend, I'm just making the point that his level of communication and emotion and connection to other people is low, which is why people think I'm making too big a deal of him immediately answering phone & talking to me about emotions like "I miss you" and "still trying to process everything on my own, which is the only way I know how," but I think it's all significant and don't really Know why no one sees that in a personality like him

[ZiggyZoo]

Well it's not denial when he told me "I love you and will marry you someday"! (Everyone is just going to respond with "well immediately after he told you that, he tried to sneak out with another chick to a bar at midnight.")

 

You guys dont know him and realize he is NOT your average guy. Didn't you already get that from the fact that he didn't say "I love you" for 14 months and stares at walls and completely ignored me for days every single conflict we had? And that his sister begged me (when I messaged her online) to "'make him" care more about their family bc she feels forgotten? No, he isn't out with other women. I know his work schedule, which includes some night shifts, and every night this week he wasn't at work, I actually ran into him- at the gym, grocery store, or tennis club. I actually believe that he is taking time to process things alone and then we will see what happens in future. Why is this literally impossible?

 

He'll get married alright, but not to you. He clearly has no respect for you as a person, much less as a wife. And someday you'll look back and thank all the gods that you're no longer subject to this abuse and neglect that he's subjecting you to. I was in a very similar relationship for seven years, and it hurts me to read some of your arguments defending him, I was that girl too. But he doesn't love you, he doesn't even really like you. You don't treat someone you love the way he's treating you. I don't care if he DID answer the phone, or whatever little scrap you're clinging to. He has consistently ignored, dismissed, and belittled your concerns and emotions. I know this is falling on deaf ears, but I had to try.

 

And yes, chances are extremely high that he's seeing someone else. Nobody ever believes that their loved one is, but the signs are all there. Why not start taking some of this wonderful advice and stop wasting your life? What have you got to lose?

[rams10]

Because I am never going to feel the way i did about him for anyone else... It was such a rush and high, seeing as though he has my same high-powered career title, and was such a strong independent man who clearly didn't "need" anyone, which made him choosing me such a rush!!! And statistically I'm just not going to find someone like this, or who makes me this excited by a simple phone call, ever again and please trust me this is why I'm asking with sincerity how to get him back

[organizedchaos]

Oh not trying to offend, I'm just making the point that his level of communication and emotion and connection to other people is low, which is why people think I'm making too big a deal of him immediately answering phone & talking to me about emotions like "I miss you" and "still trying to process everything on my own, which is the only way I know how," but I think it's all significant and don't really Know why no one sees that in a personality like him

 

Because we are smarter than you and have more experience than you and more self esteem than you.

 

You STILL haven't addressed my previous comment. Why?

[Simon Phoenix]

Because I am never going to feel the way i did about him for anyone else... It was such a rush and high, seeing as though he has my same high-powered career title, and was such a strong independent man who clearly didn't "need" anyone, which made him choosing me such a rush!!! And statistically I'm just not going to find someone like this, or who makes me this excited by a simple phone call, ever again and please trust me this is why I'm asking with sincerity how to get him back

 

You can't. It's up to him. I think it's kind of messed up that you want to trick and manipulate him into feeling something for you that he DOES NOT FEEL. And I don't care if he said it in the past. Even if it was sincere -- and I'm seriously doubting it was -- people say things like that and change their mind all the time.

 

It's pretty sick that you are looking to force this into happening.

[CarrieT]

Because I am never going to feel the way i did about him for anyone else...

You won't as long as you continue to obsess about him in this unhealthy way.

 

It was such a rush and high, seeing as though he has my same high-powered career title, and was such a strong independent man who clearly didn't "need" anyone, which made him choosing me such a rush!!!

An honest, healthy relationship is not built on "a rush." Doesn't that depict to you that it is an unhealthy obsession?

 

And statistically I'm just not going to find someone like this, or who makes me this excited by a simple phone call, ever again

So? Learn to live with the fact that you will never get this again. Move forward, heal yourself, and - ultimately - look for a man who will treat you better and offer you something this other guy couldn't: Reciprocated Love.

 

please trust me

We can't. After three threads and hundreds of pages of this diatribe, you can't be trusted. You are seriously off the deep-end with how you are approaching this guy and this situation.

 

I'm asking with sincerity how to get him back

The title of *this* particular thread is "How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?"

 

Once again, you have changed the direction of your posts and going back to the compulsive-obsessive monologue of getting him back.

 

Why can't you see how detrimental it is to your well-being?

[rams10]

I don't see it as detrimental, but as my heart telling me what I truly want. And I only have hope because of our phone conversation. It's so unlike him to even answer the phone if we've had a conflict. He never expressed any emotion for me the whole 2 years really, my family even said stuff like "it's odd, he brought Mom flowers but even though it was really nice, he had a stone cold face and just seemed so cold about it, like he was just going through the motions." And that describes how I felt as well, which led to my insecurity. so now that he's saying he misses me and wouldn't say the door is closed and just needs to finish processing everything that led to the breakup right now, I attach way more significance to that than I would if he were a "normal guy."

[Diezel]

I kinda lost the point of what this thread is really about? I mean. Yeah.

[rams10]

It's about me asking for advice on how to get this man back. Seems he's been afraid of commitment in past (finally said "I love you" back after 14 months but immediately snuck out to a bar w anther girl), but made a turning point when we talked on the phone the other day-- actually picked up my call immediately, said he misses me and the door isn't closed for us, he just has to finish processing things on his own "with all the fighting about marriage" first.

[organizedchaos]

It's about me asking for advice on how to get this man back. Seems he's been afraid of commitment in past (finally said "I love you" back after 14 months but immediately snuck out to a bar w anther girl), but made a turning point when we talked on the phone the other day-- actually picked up my call immediately, said he misses me and the door isn't closed for us, he just has to finish processing things on his own "with all the fighting about marriage" first.

 

That's because, and I'll quote myself again because you continually ignore this:

 

The reason why he's talking to you and hasn't completely shut you out or said its over is because he's keeping you on the back burner. He's keeping you warm while he waits to see if things work out with the new girl he's banging. If things fizzle, you'll suddenly find he's more receptive to getting back with you. Surprise! He's had time to think things through and since the other girl was smart enough not to fall for his b.s. He's coming back to the one girl who does. You. If things do work out with the new girl he'll finally cut you loose.

[rams10]

Everyone's convinced there's a "new girl" because no one knows how he operates. He is a loner. I've seen it. When he says he needs time alone to process our fights "because that's the only way I know how to do it" but the door isn't closed for us, he means time alone. In fact, this week, every single night that he wasn't working a night shift (he signed up for extras- on his precious weekend nights that he could be out with this "other girl"?!) I actually ran into him either on running trail, tennis club or grocery store.

[ZiggyZoo]

And have you actually SEEN him working these extra shifts? It doesn't matter, if someone wants to cheat, they will. I was married to my ex, living with him and our three daughters, and he still managed to cheat for at least two months before I caught him. This guy of yours has shown in the past that he has no regard for your feelings, and has even tried to sneak out before, as you bring up in nearly every post. It doesn't matter that you run into him, it only takes 5 minutes to do the deed with someone else.

 

Trust me (and EVERYONE ELSE on here who's been through it too) chances are extremely good that he has someone else. It's mind-boggling that you'd think he's all of a sudden concerned for your feelings, when he treated you worse than dog sh*t for your entire relationship. You took his handing you a tube of toothpaste as a sign of affection, for crying out loud. He doesn't care about you, and is only keeping you around as a Plan B. Your situation is just like thousands of others' on here.

 

Remember, if they wanted to be with you, they would be. No excuses.

[Itspointless]

Everyone's convinced there's a "new girl" because no one knows how he operates. He is a loner. I've seen it. When he says he needs time alone to process our fights "because that's the only way I know how to do it" but the door isn't closed for us, he means time alone. In fact, this week, every single night that he wasn't working a night shift (he signed up for extras- on his precious weekend nights that he could be out with this "other girl"?!) I actually ran into him either on running trail, tennis club or grocery store.

Everyone is convinced? I guess it is because he cheated on you before at least emotionally. It is not a nature of law, it wouldn't cross my mind for example to do something like this. Even if he did not do that this time I rather would not see you go back to him. But I guess it is the path you have to walk. Some things we have to experience. I said to you before that he will be back. But changes are he let you wait forever.

 

What is it according to him he needs to process?

[rams10]

Says he needs to process what led to the breakup, "our fights about marriage." Said he kept warning me that I needed to trust him and if I kept bringing up the topic then eventually he'd dump me. So now he says he has to process what led to the breakup in first place & we shouldn't see each other right now while we are "in a limbo."

[organizedchaos]

Everyone's convinced there's a "new girl" because no one knows how he operates. He is a loner. I've seen it. When he says he needs time alone to process our fights "because that's the only way I know how to do it" but the door isn't closed for us, he means time alone. In fact, this week, every single night that he wasn't working a night shift (he signed up for extras- on his precious weekend nights that he could be out with this "other girl"?!) I actually ran into him either on running trail, tennis club or grocery store.

 

We're convinced because you f'n said as much in the very first message on the first page of this thread!!!

 

Well, later by reading his texts, I find out that he'd texted a single girl from his summer job and asked her to meet him up at the bar alone. She couldn't join, but he proceeds to spend the next week flirting with her, asking for pics, etc even while going out and having sex with me. Saved her as a guy friend's name on his phone and then deleted the texts (I saw them before he did). Much later when I confront him, he claims he considered us "broken up" at the time. News to me!! Regardless, a month later she's texting and asking her if he'll come over her place and drink once she's back in town. He says "definitely."

 

And you've repeatedly said how he snuck out to meet a girl he said he loved you.

 

Seems he's been afraid of commitment in past (finally said "I love you" back after 14 months but immediately snuck out to a bar w anther girl)

 

Who f'n does that???

 

So he HAS shown a willingness to cheat on you while you were together. Why are you so dense to think he's not out sleeping with other women while keeping you on the backburner now???

 

This is so pathetic.

Edited September 10, 2015 by organizedchaos

[rams10]

He made it very clear he never cheated on me. He said he just Texted that girl and said "had a fight with my girlfriend, need a drink." Now I don't know how it was a "fight" when I'd just expressed concern that We weren't on the same page & then he said "I love you" & I gave him a big hug before going out with my best friend, but whatever. I know he flirted and asked her for pics later but no one is perfect and I think he's sorry and that's why now he's immediately answering my call and saying he misses me and who knows what'll happen for us in furure

[organizedchaos]

He made it very clear he never cheated on me. He said he just Texted that girl and said "had a fight with my girlfriend, need a drink." Now I don't know how it was a "fight" when I'd just expressed concern that We weren't on the same page & then he said "I love you" & I gave him a big hug before going out with my best friend, but whatever. I know he flirted and asked her for pics later but no one is perfect and I think he's sorry and that's why now he's immediately answering my call and saying he misses me and who knows what'll happen for us in furure

 

No one here is going to give you the advice you want. No one is going to tell you what you want to hear. You argue every point we make about how this guy has treated you like crap. You are clearly dellusional as to how healthy, happy relationships work. You claim to be in some high powered profession and I can't see how that is possible.

 

This thread should just close already.

[William]

Our kind moderator Robert posted this back in August.

 

"****Moderators Note****

 

Let's keep the posts helpful and not hurtful, name calling isn't considered on topic in any of the forums here.

If you feel that you cannot post helpful advice or no longer can then move on to a thread where you can, thanks"

 

I'll add to that by stating the our guidelines state that all members are to be treated with the utmost of respect, even if their opinions or statements are disagreeable or ridiculous from another member's perspective. Further, no member is ever required or compelled to read or follow any advice given on this web site. It is purely for discussion of one's interpersonal relationships.

 

Hence, if members have discussion points regarding this topic which can be offered in a manner consistent with our guidelines, we welcome them. Otherwise, move on. I'm the not so nice moderator so take it for what it's worth. Thanks!

[rams10]

I just feel better now than when I was living there. When I was right there, he took me for granted. But how do u explain why a guy who used to Stone cold ignore me for days w every conflict, now picks up phone immediately and talks to me for over an hour? Saying he misses me and the door isn't closed on us. Having insight that he needs to process & work through the issues ("fighting about marriage") that led to breakup in first place. Says who knows what future will bring for us. This doesn't sound like much to you all, but it's WAY more emotion than I ever thought I'd get out of him. This is why I feel he's making progress toward realizing, shoot, he misses me and shouldn't screw up a great thing bc of his fear of commitment.

[rams10]

So if he misses me but is taking time to process on his own the fighting about marriage etc, what do I do in meantime ? I want to be encouraging of him

[Itspointless]

This doesn't sound like much to you all, but it's WAY more emotion than I ever thought I'd get out of him. This is why I feel he's making progress toward realizing, shoot, he misses me and shouldn't screw up a great thing bc of his fear of commitment.

So if he misses me but is taking time to process on his own the fighting about marriage etc, what do I do in meantime ? I want to be encouraging of him

You clearly remember how he first was (a dream come true) and the brief moments he again was like that. But somewhere along he got to know you better, which not surprisingly ended him in got annoyed and distanced. You understand as you asked too much and when you did otherwise he showed you that he cared. So it must be you and he certainly will be able to be himself again if you change and give him the opportunity to be himself.

 

It may seem as a reward because people like your ex (un)consciencely train us to be reactive to them in the way you are right now by withholding affection when we have become attached. This push-pull behaviour is VERY addictive.

 

And then we have to add the following:

To put all of the above in context, a woman leaving an abusive relationship has roughly three days before the onset of oxytocin withdrawal symptoms, when she will discover that she is painfully missing her ex. And, according to some scientists, those withdrawal symptoms, when they hit her, can even at times be more severe than if she were withdrawing from an heroine addiction.

 

But the above is further compounded by the fact the poor woman — the woman leaving an abusive relationship — has been taught her entire life to call the feelings produced by oxytocin — to call those feelings, “love”. So, three days after she leaves the person who is beating her, and/or in some other ways abusing her, she starts to crave him. She starts to miss him painfully. And she thinks — she believes — that her painful feelings of oxytocin withdrawal mean she is still in love with him. [https://cafephilos.wordpress.com/2011/03/17/why-women-sometimes-become-addicted-to-abusive-partners]

It is not YOU who is learning him to open up, it is him learning YOU how to behave by distancing. He knew he had to take up the phone to get you where he wants and what to say to get you waiting.

 

Rams, some people advising here have lived trough situations similar to yours. Your feelings and hopes sound all too familiar to them.

So if he misses me but is taking time to process on his own the fighting about marriage etc, what do I do in meantime ? I want to be encouraging of him

He does not want you to be encouraging.

 

Remember that you feel better now than living there, that is important.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Itspointless

[rams10]

But he picked up phone again yesterday right away even though busy at work. And said we could talk more today. He just seems way more receptive than ever before.

[Itspointless]

But he picked up phone again yesterday right away even though busy at work. And said we could talk more today. He just seems way more receptive than ever before.

You are at a distance, he can control it, thus it is safe in regards to whatever he wants it to be. He is the one who decides and at this moment you are the one who is happy with everything you get.

 

In the beginning of this thread you wrote this:

So after that incident it was hard for me to trust him again. And hard for me to trust that him assuring me of a future wasn't him just throwing me a bone to shut me up. Yes he asked me to move in, but his buddy texted and said to him, "May as well get a ring and make it official?", and my BF's response was just "I'm warming up to her moving in bc it's nice to only pay 1/2 the rent." Later he assured me my name was on the lease -- actually forwarded me an online lease for me to sign, with our landlord's name etc, then later I find out that she never signed it (which my boyfriend knew, while continuing to make me think I was on the lease and collecting rent from me). I don't want to pick partners who just do lousy things and never really love me on a deeper level. So how do I avoid this next time?

What has changed? Isn't this throwing you a bone?

[rams10]

he e had enough interest to hang around me all the time for two years and let me move in with him and bring me around his friends. So there must be something I can say to make him realize I'm worth stepping up for