Simon Phoenix Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 You can lead a rams10 to water, but... Pretty much. Giving her advice is like banging your head against a brick wall. She doesn't want to hear it. She only wants to hear the one thing she never will hear.
Author rams10 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 o No one thinks I can get him to want me again. Well, if I told u that after 14 months he still hadn’t said “I love you” back, and as soon as he finally did say he loved me and wanted a future w. R he tried to meet up at a bar with a single girl he’d been flirting with…. And that he said “I’m just warning you not to bring up marriage or the future again because I’ll get to my point of no return and dump you”… You wouldn’t have said he was very into me. Yet hr stayed with me for months after Al, that. He’s just different, cold and emotionally unavailable. But sureky someone out there has a partners like that and can give advice to help me win him back over and open up? Please
Itspointless Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 o No one thinks I can get him to want me again. Well, if I told u that after 14 months he still hadn’t said “I love you” back, and as soon as he finally did say he loved me and wanted a future w. R he tried to meet up at a bar with a single girl he’d been flirting with…. And that he said “I’m just warning you not to bring up marriage or the future again because I’ll get to my point of no return and dump you”… You wouldn’t have said he was very into me. Yet hr stayed with me for months after Al, that. He’s just different, cold and emotionally unavailable. But sureky someone out there has a partners like that and can give advice to help me win him back over and open up? Please I already told you I had an emotionally unavailable partner. Once she removed herself from me - not even because of me but illness - she never returned. Yes a few talks. I said to her that I hoped she would have changed her mind. But deep down I already knew better. I do not see what is so different here? My ex did not warn me about a point of no return, your ex did. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) Girl...with all due respect...I don't get why you want to force a man to be with you. How degrading. I would be embarrassed to reduce myself to that level. Edited November 17, 2015 by ExpatInItaly
Jessie1231 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I answered this question many pages back. You ignored that like you ignore everyone else's advice. To get him back, call him and tell him you're fine with him not loving you as long as he will stay with you. Tell him you will never bring up plans for a future together and can live day by day and that you're ok with him not caring about you now or ever. Make sure you tell him you're aware you don't deserve for him to treat you well and that he can go out with any women he wants whenever he wants. Do this NOW and you guys will get back together I bet. You'll be super happy I'm sure.
Author rams10 Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 look, his coworkers are friends w me not him, they call him arrogant and say he only cares about himself. His sister begged me to make him pay attention to the family, and one of his only friends said he was trying to get him to go to counseling for his past. If that’s the guy I’m dealing with then why is everyone so convinced he doesn’t love me because he doesn’t show the “normal” levels of affection? Surely it's a good sign that he sat on phone w/me for 1.5 hours last Friday night, bc he barely did that while we were together ! He wouldn't do it just to be "polite." Hed hang up and tell me to get lost. I just need to figure out how to keep bridging the gap and make him realize he can't live without me forever!!! That for once in his whole life, he will decide based upon emotion.How???
Author rams10 Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 also was it really so terrible that when I first brought up the future he warned me “if you keep wanting to talk about this then I’ll dump you… You need to not say anything, trust that I’ll do it eventually, and the more you want to talk about the future the longer I’ll delay proposing”? He said this after like 2 convos about the topic and wouldn’t give me any general timeframe of his wishes for engagement, marriage, or kids
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 (edited) also was it really so terrible that when I first brought up the future he warned me “if you keep wanting to talk about this then I’ll dump you… You need to not say anything, trust that I’ll do it eventually, and the more you want to talk about the future the longer I’ll delay proposing”? He said this after like 2 convos about the topic and wouldn’t give me any general timeframe of his wishes for engagement, marriage, or kids There's no point in continuing this thread. It's so repetitive and everyone just says the same things, as do you OP. So, I will follow some others and stop participating. We can't help someone who lives in a world of chaos of her own creation. I wish you the best, OP. Edited November 18, 2015 by ExpatInItaly
Itspointless Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 look, his coworkers are friends w me not him, they call him arrogant and say he only cares about himself. His sister begged me to make him pay attention to the family, and one of his only friends said he was trying to get him to go to counseling for his past. If that’s the guy I’m dealing with then why is everyone so convinced he doesn’t love me because he doesn’t show the “normal” levels of affection? Surely it's a good sign that he sat on phone w/me for 1.5 hours last Friday night, bc he barely did that while we were together ! He wouldn't do it just to be "polite." Hed hang up and tell me to get lost. I just need to figure out how to keep bridging the gap and make him realize he can't live without me forever!!! That for once in his whole life, he will decide based upon emotion.How??? Rams the point is you consistently do everything a dismissive-avoidant person does not like, as your needs are the complete opposite of his. He wants space, you want connection. Therefore any effort on your side will be met with more distancing. That is the simple truth you simply have to accept. So you are not going to bring him back making an effort, an effort means pressuring in his world. The only chance you have is by letting him go completely, than he might realize he wants you at some point. It is as simple as that. Dismissive-avoidant people constantly tell themselves they don't need anyone, we (you, me) cannot change that. And no, he will not decide on emotion, that just wont happen. Damn, haven't you read anything about this kind of attachment?
Author rams10 Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 (edited) Was it really so bad that when I brought up furure after a year he said "I will propose when I decide the time is right, but I'm warning you, the more you want to talk about future the longer I'll delay proposing"? Because he wouldn't give any general timeframe. At his friend's wedding I was sad and he said "our time will come Soon... I mean, definitely not this year, but..." Itspointless, what you said makes sense, but it's hard to completely ignore Or act like I don't need or care about someone if I love them and feel like that's "right". I also don't see how ignoring him completely will bring him back Edited November 18, 2015 by rams10
Itspointless Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Was it really so bad that when I brought up furure after a year he said "I will propose when I decide the time is right, but I'm warning you, the more you want to talk about future the longer I'll delay proposing"? Because he wouldn't give any general timeframe. At his friend's wedding I was sad and he said "our time will come Soon... I mean, definitely not this year, but..." Itspointless, what you said makes sense, but it's hard to completely ignore Or act like I don't need or care about someone if I love them and feel like that's "right". I also don't see how ignoring him completely will bring him back Is has nothing to do with good or bad, it is how people like him or my ex react to signals that ask emotional proximity. Rams, I cannot make it any better, this has been my personal fight since I joined this forum. I find it horrible to not know how her health is, stepping away was the last thing I wanted. Your ex does not process the same as you. What you think and feel as love will not processed as such. That is what we have to accept and cannot do a thing about. If I could I (still) would.
Author rams10 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 at 14 months I asked about future/ mentioned how he still hadnt said I love you back. Instead of letting him do it later at own pace. I should’ve taken the hint bc vety first time I suggested moving in together, he got mad and broke up w me. first time I broached topic of marriage he tried to sneak out to bar at midnight w another girl. I should’ve learned right then . But I’ve learned now and just don’t know how to convince him
organizedchaos Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 at 14 months I asked about future/ mentioned how he still hadnt said I love you back. Instead of letting him do it later at own pace. I should’ve taken the hint bc vety first time I suggested moving in together, he got mad and broke up w me. first time I broached topic of marriage he tried to sneak out to bar at midnight w another girl. I should’ve learned right then . But I’ve learned now and just don’t know how to convince him You've repeated these same statements dozens upon dozens of times. What should you have learned? That its ok to be a doormat? Or is this entire story a fantasy? 2
Author rams10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 i just scared him and I need to figure out how to make him feel safe! I told him I loved him after 8 months. He said it took him 25 years to even say those words back to his own mother. He later signed my bday card "to my love." Said he had to practice writing it before he could say it. Yet when he finally said it... It was after 14 months, when I said sadly "I'm really not sure we're on the same page." And after he finally said the words and I gave him a long hug then went out with my best girlfriend as planned... He tried to sneak out to a bar w this single girl he'd been flirting with. Then was really distant w me and kept asking her for pics and flirting. What was all of that, honestly???
Simon Phoenix Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 i just scared him and I need to figure out how to make him feel safe! I told him I loved him after 8 months. He said it took him 25 years to even say those words back to his own mother. He later signed my bday card "to my love." Said he had to practice writing it before he could say it. Yet when he finally said it... It was after 14 months, when I said sadly "I'm really not sure we're on the same page." And after he finally said the words and I gave him a long hug then went out with my best girlfriend as planned... He tried to sneak out to a bar w this single girl he'd been flirting with. Then was really distant w me and kept asking her for pics and flirting. What was all of that, honestly??? The past.... 2
Author rams10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 He's just a little emotionally closed, breaking up w me any time I bring up future, and staring at walls during a conflict for hours even if I cry. So I just need to figure out how to get him back
marky00 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 OK, I was in a overseas relationship with a girl for 9 years. At times she was very aloof (kind of like she could live with or without me). I will admit that although i loved her, the challenge and project that she had become definitely fueled the addiction further. I to kinda of don't want to be in clingy/suffocating relationships I to also somehow thrived in the game play. But here's the reality of the situation, just like what happened to me, 1 day your ex will find someone he is really into. You know what that means.... GAME OVER
Itspointless Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 He's just a little emotionally closed, breaking up w me any time I bring up future, and staring at walls during a conflict for hours even if I cry. So I just need to figure out how to get him back A little? Wow ...
Author rams10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 In the past, 2 different things worked to get him back: 1) crying for days on end while he ignored me completely or 2) he thought I was moving on, going out w friends who were trying to help me meet guys. So what do I do knowing that history, to make him feel he can go back to being with me? He needs to be convinced I won't care about marriage ever bc I learned my lesson
Itspointless Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 In the past, 2 different things worked to get him back: 1) crying for days on end while he ignored me completely or 2) he thought I was moving on, going out w friends who were trying to help me meet guys. So what do I do knowing that history, to make him feel he can go back to being with me? He needs to be convinced I won't care about marriage ever bc I learned my lesson But now he does not seem to care any-more. He just was friendly in his way.
Author rams10 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 for a person who's emotionally avoidant, he did sit on phone with me for 1.5 hours last Friday night. I think that means hope that he cares. So I'm trying to figure ou tmy next move!
lana-banana Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 for a person who's emotionally avoidant, he did sit on phone with me for 1.5 hours last Friday night. I think that means hope that he cares. So I'm trying to figure ou tmy next move! You told us he didn't say much and didn't really pay attention to what you were saying. He doesn't care. If he cared, you wouldn't be sitting here wondering about your "next move" and all that, because he would have made a move of his own. Instead you're sitting here strategizing over your next move in a game your ex isn't even playing. You can't make him care about you. There's no future with him. There isn't even a present with him. I'm sorry.
Author rams10 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 What I'm trying to tell you is, it's not like he ever seemed that caring, open, or emotional in the PAST either, and obviously I succeeded at him staying with me for 2 years. ExAmple: I ask if he'd thought of living together after a year, because I think it'd be cool to come home to him, etc. he ends up getting furious, saying "I'm done" and dumping me. But I was able to get him back only after crying for a full day. And when he took me back he didn't say a word about what had happened. I always have to come after HiM to open back up. After many of these similar breakups I've thought, "if I didn't come after him, or appear horribly upset for days, I bet he would've just let me go." But my tactics always work. That's why I'm asking for advice now on how to step it up a bit
lana-banana Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 He didn't care very much about you then and he cares even less now. Your "tactics" obviously don't work because you aren't together anymore despite repeatedly contacting him and trying to get his attention. If he wanted to be with you now, he would. You can't change that.
Itspointless Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Rams, he finds every bit for connection annoying that is how he is wired. That does not mean that people want connection. But as you said he warned you for a point of no return. My ex once told me once she has made a decision she never comes back to it. From what I have read he is even more on solitude than her. You are fighting windmills here, al the while thinking we do not have a clue about your situation. But I think we do.
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