Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Dear all, Some of you may be aware of my situation. Today is the day when I will be seeing my ex last time before going full NC. I wrote few other threads but I figured I want to have on thread where I can come and write stuff down. Background: I met my ex when I was 18, instantly fell in love. She was 18 also. We met in college. The next 3 years were great. I went to university while she stayed at the college. We were meeting on the weekends and the time we spent together was priceless (I would give everything to go back to that time). Then we moved in together and we have been living together for the past 4 years (I am moving out today). First year living together was great. But after that it went down hill. She went to Poland where she met a guy who she said she fell in love with. But it lasted 2 weeks and after that the guy went with another girl to the party. We "broke up" that year but I was not aware of this guy. We came back together. She talked to him for the next 3 months when she then severed the contact. Year later, she once again broke up with me while coming back from Poland, meeting new friends and wanting to move into a different UK city. She did move out but on the day of moving in to the new property we skyped and she asked if we could have another go. It turned out she was planning to meet with that guy from Poland to try the relationship but she called quits with him (I trust her, she showed me the msgs). Year later - she dumped me before going to the holidays with me where I was to propose. Current situation: I believe my ex may be suffering from GIGS (I am not going to go into details, but her behaviour is quite classical - starting heavy partying, smoking, drugs etc.). She said that she is trying to figure out who she is (but I also believe that she is romantically involved with another guy, but she keeps denying "we are just friends"). I also believe that she has lost attraction towards me as I have not been giving her enough attention (I just graduated from medical school, so I spent a lot of time revising during those "break up" years). However, I also believe our love has...faded. I do not think either of us are IN LOVE with each other, but I am not sure. Only time will tell. We talked today a lot and cried a lot (well, I cried a lot, she cried a bit). We both regret with what has happened and with all the good memories we had together. I told her that at the moment I do not see the future for us. We grew apart, we have different aim in our lives (of course I was crying like a wuss). She said "I would be afraid to say it like this", "you do not know what the future holds". Then she asked this "What if in the future I..." and then "nevermind". I know what she was going to ask. She wanted to ask "what if in the future I would like to get another shot at this". I did not even try to make her finish the question because I did not know what I would say. I also said that "I will never contact you again" to which she replied "you are quite serious about this". My plan: I am moving out today. I am taking all my stuff with me. I have already changed all the billing details on her name. I plan to go full NC. I have a glimmer of hope, which I really hope it will fade away as I am almost certain we will not work out. I really want to say to her today that I love her very much. I think I will do this. I feel the need to say it. But I understand the power of NC. The last 10 days were OK, I managed quite well, but once I saw her today, I broke down. I wrote this topic just to share this with everyone. But I know I will struggle a lot in the months to come. I regret that I did not try hard enough...that we both did not try hard enough to save this relationship. I still love this girl even though she has changed so much. Any support will be appreciated.
mightycpa Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Well, I don't think it's a bad idea to tell her you love her, but if she breathes a word of that future nonsense We never know what the future holds set her straight: No, we don't but whatever my future holds, but I do know you won't be in it. Go out strong. Don't be afraid to say the words. 2
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Wow it is harder than I thought. I just had a mini crying outburst in the toilet. It is unbelievable what effect she has on me. I told her "we cannot be friends" and that "I need to get over you" and she asked "Can you get over me?" to which I replied "I hope so". This girls has me in emotional trap... 2
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Forgive me to writing so much but I am going through the crisis right now. Everything about my Ex seems perfect. I cannot stop putting her on a pedestal, she's too amazing! I think I am having a full blown anxiety attack holy crap. 2
quattrob Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Your situation isn't really GIGs. She left and broke up with you so many times, you know why? Because she knows you'll be there not because she loves you or cares about you. You're a backup in her eyes that she can run back to anytime she wants, she played with your heart and feelings. I know everyone is different but man after leaving you the second time you'd still take her back? You're just asking to get used. I have a feeling you're telling her that you love her very much because you think doing so would perhaps get her to regret or change her mind or feel guilty. Do it if you must but it won't change anything and you know what? She already knows that you do. I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out but there were so many red flags presented to you that you chose to ignore. Sorry to sound a bit harsh but this is what I see based on your post. This girl just isn't worth it, she's not the same girl you knew 7 years ago, she doesn't love you anymore. 2
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 I know. Im a beta in this relationship. Id just jump at the opportunity of being with her. I know it is wrong. I know that only time will tell if I love her or not. I know I am her back up. And I know that there are girls out there that would die to be with someone like me...but this is stronger than me. You guys dont have to reply to my messages. I know they are pathetic and that I should be ashamed of myself. It just helps to write stuff down. I just said that I love her. It feels like love. I hope it isnt. **** I feel scarred for life 2
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Wow it is harder than I thought. I just had a mini crying outburst in the toilet. *It is unbelievable what effect she has on me. I told her "we cannot be friends" and that "I need to get over you" and she asked "Can you get over me?" to which I replied "I hope so". *This girls has me in emotional trap... *She doesn't make you feel how you feel. You feel how you feel, because of your own internal landscape, and your own responses to things. Nobody can make you feel anything. Your feelings are inside you, and she can't go there. **You can walk out of that trap any time you want, by reframing your perceptions of your situation, and examining your responses. Yes, you will go through some pain due to the grieving process, but that doesn't really have anything to do with her. It's about you working on yourself to put your inner emotional life in order. Good luck with that. Take care. 1
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I know. Im a beta in this relationship. Id just jump at the opportunity of being with her. I know it is wrong. I know that only time will tell if I love her or not. I know I am her back up. And I know that there are girls out there that would die to be with someone like me...*but this is stronger than me. You guys dont have to reply to my messages. I know they are pathetic and that I should be ashamed of myself. It just helps to write stuff down. I just said that I love her. **It feels like love. I hope it isnt. **** I feel scarred for life *No it isn't. You have all the inner resources you need to deal with this. **I don't think it is love. I think it's a dysfunctional attachment, and an unhealthy dependency. Sorry to be blunt, but I think it needs to be said. 2
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) *No it isn't. You have all the inner resources you need to deal with this. **I don't think it is love. I think it's a dysfunctional attachment, and an unhealthy dependency. Sorry to be blunt, but I think it needs to be said. It is very odd because I am quite successful, I was the one providing most money and she was the one dependent on me (that is why we got back together last year, she was in financial difficulty). She left home 2 hours ago. And now I feel fine. NC will do good to me. I do not know why I am so emotionally dependent on her... Edited July 21, 2015 by Morphine 1
Gaby Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 You'll be fine man, just stay to NC and all will be good. Ofc that is the hardest part, staying NC, i mean sh*t man 7 years is a long ass time. But remember things always have to be at their worst to be better 1
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 It is very odd because I am quite successful, I was the one providing most money and she was the one dependent on me (that is why we got back together last year, she was in financial difficulty). She left home 2 hours ago. And now I feel fine. NC will do good to me. I do not know why I am so emotionally dependent on her... Income is a poor barometer for success, because it's only one factor amongst many. Real success is about loving yourself and the other people in your life, and loving the way you live and what you do. Money is nice to have, but it can't of itself make you happy. But if you're happy, you'll use that money for good purposes. 2
quattrob Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I know. Im a beta in this relationship. Id just jump at the opportunity of being with her. I know it is wrong. I know that only time will tell if I love her or not. I know I am her back up. And I know that there are girls out there that would die to be with someone like me...but this is stronger than me. You guys dont have to reply to my messages. I know they are pathetic and that I should be ashamed of myself. It just helps to write stuff down. I just said that I love her. It feels like love. I hope it isnt. **** I feel scarred for life There is nothing to be ashamed of infact you should be proud of yourself that you can see and admit the truth, this is something alot of people here and the outside world cant see or deny. There is nothing really wrong to being a beta in a relationship as long as its with the right person who truly appreciates you 100% and doesn't take advantage of you. We all go through heartbreaks and the like. Accepting the truth and manning up to it is the most difficult part, once you can do that then letting go and moving on will happen in matter of time. Dont be hard on yourself, this is how life is. 3
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Income is a poor barometer for success, because it's only one factor amongst many. Real success is about loving yourself and the other people in your life, and loving the way you live and what you do. Money is nice to have, but it can't of itself make you happy. But if you're happy, you'll use that money for good purposes. Yes, I just realised while packing my stuff is that I was not the happiest man on the earth, because of my career choice. She was giving me all these little gifts, hand made that I just discarded, never looked at. I have very practical point of view on things like these. Although my ex was not superbly supportive, but she did everything one might consider enough to fulfil her role in the relationship. 1
Author Morphine Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 There is nothing to be ashamed of infact you should be proud of yourself that you can see and admit the truth, this is something alot of people here and the outside world cant see or deny. There is nothing really wrong to being a beta in a relationship as long as its with the right person who truly appreciates you 100% and doesn't take advantage of you. We all go through heartbreaks and the like. Accepting the truth and manning up to it is the most difficult part, once you can do that then letting go and moving on will happen in matter of time. Dont be hard on yourself, this is how life is. All the signs on the earth suggest my ex will never come back to me. Moreover, even if she did I do not think we would last. I know this. I understand this. But my feelings are different. I cried so much today and she saw it...she hates when I cry. I know I have to man it up, but... This was my first true heartbreak. This experience is invaluable. I am just worried I will be worried to open up my heart again. 1
54JA Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I am so sorry. Don't be ashamed. Don't try to mask your pain. Just be kind and understanding to yourself for the next few weeks. It just happened (although it has been happening for a while). You have been taking some hard jabs, but today, you got the uppercut to your chin. You are going to be dizzy with overwhelming flood of emotions. If writing down your emotions helps, I'm here to listen. I know what it's like. I'm so sorry. 1
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Yes, I just realised while packing my stuff is that I was not the happiest man on the earth, because of my career choice. She was giving me all these little gifts, hand made that I just discarded, never looked at. I have very practical point of view on things like these. Although my ex was not superbly supportive, but *she did everything one might consider enough to fulfil her role in the relationship. Don't discount or dismiss your own contribution, because what you gave was worth a lot too. You might not be able to see that right now, but it is true. 1
Author Morphine Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Don't discount or dismiss your own contribution, because what you gave was worth a lot too. You might not be able to see that right now, but it is true. I know I gave a lot. But this is why it hurst more seeing her with another guy. She clearly enjoys it. There is not much I can do about this, I know.
Satu Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I know I gave a lot. But this is why it hurst more seeing her with another guy. She clearly enjoys it. There is not much I can do about this, I know. It hurts, but eventually you will come to a point of acceptance. That takes time, but it can be done. 1
Author Morphine Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 It hurts, but eventually you will come to a point of acceptance. That takes time, but it can be done. I keep telling this to everyone on this forum - take a break, the time will show, the time will heal your soul etc etc. But I cannot apply this rule to myself! Agrh! I definitely feel better when she is not around - I am hoping that NC will do amazing things for me. I will also say this: Yes, I am still hoping. I think I will truly move on once the hope passes. 1
Satu Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I keep telling this to everyone on this forum - take a break, the time will show, the time will heal your soul etc etc. But I cannot apply this rule to myself! Agrh! I definitely feel better when she is not around - *I am hoping that NC will do amazing things for me. I will also say this: Yes, I am still hoping. I think I will truly move on once the hope passes. *It won't. No contact is about two things, and two things only: 1. It protects you from further hurt. 2. It allows you to do your healing without being distracted by the ex. Thats all it is, and all it does. It creates a quiet space in which you can do your healing, but in itself it doesn't do any healing. Thats why things like counselling, bodywork, breath work, meditation, hypnotherapy, art therapy and other therapeutic approaches, are necessary. If you don't do anything other than NC you will still heal, but it will take much longer. Take care. 1
Author Morphine Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Thats why things like counselling, bodywork, breath work, meditation, hypnotherapy, art therapy and other therapeutic approaches, are necessary. Thanks! I may take up meditation as I tried to do it last week (using YouTube) and it actually helped a little bit. So far I am just thinking about the things that I have done wrong in my relationship. 1
Author Morphine Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Ok so I left the house today. I will see her 2 more times to pick up my stuff, but she promised to try to go to her friend's house while I pack my stuff. I feel at peace now when she is not around. This is a good thing. The issue is, however, that I think I still have a glimmer of hope. It is a blessing that I am starting new job in a new place. Thanks for all the support guys! I will be updating this thread just for my own sake. 1
Author Morphine Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Hi guys, so I am in Prague now, trying to enjoy my life! Today I had a nightmare where my ex was cuddling with her new guy. Ugh. Woke up all sweaty and ****. Yesterday, my ex msged me to say that my dad is talking **** about her to my family. She got so annoyed and blamed this on me (my dad only knows that she broke up with me and that I am hurting). I asked her why is she so annoyed by this, we are no longer together. She said that she cares what my dad and my sister think about her... Well, I think it is time to block her. I've had enough of mixed signals. I don't think this **** in my life. I need to heal. Peace.
Author Morphine Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Another update, just for myself, to get things of my chest... I keep thinking about her, but there are days where I feel that this break is only going to do good for me...There are so many things that I do not like about her, the stuff she does now, but this is all irrelevant to what she was like back in the days...this is the girl that I am thinking about but it seems this girl has gone...has she gone forever? Does it matter? Do I really wanna get back with her? Only time will tell...
Author Morphine Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 Alright guys! So I am not truly in NC yet. We have some house related business to sort out plus I need to go and get my stuff over the weekend! We had a heated conversation yesterday! She was explaining why she broke up with me, I was telling her why she was wrong bla bla bla. Some words came out of my mouth that perhaps I am regretting a bit...such as "heartless" "cold hearted" etc. We both cried. Anyways, today is her birthday. I txt her happy bday without apologising for yesterday. We had a quick conversation about few stuff, all seems fine. Not much else to add. I think we are over for good, but I am just waiting for the NC period to start.
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