xyz1234 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 So I'm going to start with the TLDR version because I get way too long winded about this stuff, and I'll make a follow-up post for anyone crazy enough to want to read it all haha. I guess I just like to get all the details out there so the situation can be fully understood... Basically I met a girl online, she seemed super interested and texted constantly, she asked me out and we hung out in person and I thought it went well. At the end of the date she asked to hang out again the following week. Then she started getting distant. She still responds to texts but is pretty short and told me she was busy when I asked her out again and sent a screenshot of her busy schedule that day. I responded and told her I may be able to hang out Thursday but I'm not sure yet and that otherwise we can figure it out next week. So far she hasn't responded. I'm thinking my options are: 1. Just wait things out a couple days and see if she replies to my last text. 2. Wait a day or so and give her a solid day that I'm free to hang out next week. 3. Wait a day or so and try to start a normal conversation or say something funny to try to get her talking again. 4. Wait a few days or a week and if she hasn't texted maybe shoot her one last text saying something like "Hey, so I take it you've lost interest. I'm a little disappointed because I had fun on our date and was looking forward to seeing you again, but no hard feelings. Good luck with everything!" I think I like #4 the most and may be the best shot at actually resparking her interest. What do you guys think? Any other suggestions would be appreciated.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Seriously, don't read all this unless you're bored or something!: So last week a cute girl messaged me on a dating site. She was very aggressive and moved things to texting and then asked me out within about two hours. She told me we could meet at her place and walk to a bar together. This kind of gave me pause because most girls I've met online don't even want a new guy to know where she lives until she's met them in person, and I fully support that, but agreed to meet at the end of the week anyway. We texted back and forth all week and she was really opening up to me and it oddly was feeling like we were already in that initial phase of dating. I really enjoyed communicating with her and could tell it was mutual. She was pretty eager to meet me and ended up asking if I wanted to meet up a couple days in advance of our planned date, but I turned it down and told her the planned date was better for me. So we finally met on Friday and I thought it went pretty well, no awkwardness, plenty to talk about, I made her laugh, etc. We got dinner and drinks and then went back to her place and took a dog for a walk (she has a dog sitting business and had one at her apartment at the time). She ended up telling me she was really tired and sorry that she was cutting the date a little short (I didn't expect any more than dinner/drinks anyway so I didn't consider it short), but said she wanted to hang out again the following week before I go away for the weekend and that she'd have more energy and be more fun. I told her next week is pretty busy for me but I may be able to do something Monday or Wednesday night. We hugged and said goodbye. The following day I texted and we texted back and forth a few times but she was slower to respond than her usual immediate responses. I knew she was busy all weekend with a wedding and other things so I didn't think too much of it, but was aware that she may be losing interest. She ended up not responding to the last question I asked on Sunday. No texts all day on Monday and I was starting to feel like she might be done. I texted her Monday night saying that I hoped she had a good day and asked her if she's free to hang out Wednesday. I wasn't really expecting a response but she responded and said "All dogs lol" and texted a picture of her schedule of dogs she's sitting for the day, one of which is at 6:30 that night. She totally left a dog at home the night we met though, so this could be bs, or it could be that she needs to go to the owners house or something. I texted back laughing and saying I might be able to do something Thursday night, otherwise we can figure something out for next week. No response so far... The only thing I can think of that may have turned her off during the date was that I told her I'm living with the parents at the moment while I look for a condo to buy, and that I didn't want to be stuck in a lease when that happens. She seemed to agree that this is a sensible thing to do, and at the end of the date still brought up how she wanted to see me again so I didn't think it was an issue for her, but who knows. I guess I'm just looking for advice on what I should do at this point because I lack a lot of dating experience and feel like I'm liable to mess things up. She very well may have totally lost interest already, but if there's anything I can do to gain some traction I'd like to know that I did all that I could. I have lots of girls asking me out online but it's pretty rare that I even want a second date. I guess I'm pretty picky and this girl is just my type physically, and maybe beyond that too.
Mrin Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 #2 - and then just wait. And wait. Ball will be in her court. #4 is reasonable too but you really haven't left the ball in her court yet. You sent a kinda sorta maybe Thursday but we'll figure it out text. To which her only reply would logically be an "Ok". You haven't given her something to respond to really. So send out a firm date and see what she says. As for the preemptive "I guess you didn't like me" text - don't do it. It is weak and nothing good can come from it.
xcupid Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Message #4 will almost certainly kill any chance of dating her again. It makes an assumption that she's not interested, which may not be true. Why can't you just ask her on a date again? She's busy, you're busy but surely you can both find time. If not, then she's too busy to be dating or not into you. People who are interested find time to date. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Daily contact is pushing things at this point. You ask repeatedly if you should wait a day. I would wait a week.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 #4 is reasonable too but you really haven't left the ball in her court yet. You sent a kinda sorta maybe Thursday but we'll figure it out text. To which her only reply would logically be an "Ok". You haven't given her something to respond to really. So send out a firm date and see what she says. As for the preemptive "I guess you didn't like me" text - don't do it. It is weak and nothing good can come from it. Message #4 will almost certainly kill any chance of dating her again. It makes an assumption that she's not interested, which may not be true. Why can't you just ask her on a date again? She's busy, you're busy but surely you can both find time. If not, then she's too busy to be dating or not into you. People who are interested find time to date. Yeah, I guess that's true that I haven't given her something to respond to, but at the same time she is putting in zero effort to keep the conversation going. I'm pretty sure it's not due to her being so busy she doesn't have time to send a few texts. She was busy dog sitting last week as well but found lots of time to text and even sent pictures of the dogs a couple times. It's difficult now because I feel like we've totally lost momentum. Asking someone out starts feeling weird when the only time you text at all for days is to ask them out, and aside from that there is no back and forth conversation. Anyway, I have Monday off after my weekend trip so I could see if she can fit me in at some point that day since she doesn't have a standard 9-5 job. I just don't want to be the guy who's like "how about this day?" "No" "Well, how about this day?" "No..." and embarrassing myself. I mean, some input on a day that works for her would be helpful... The whole situation is just weird. I mean, I guess it's possible that she could still want a second date but if that's the case she must be playing games. In which case, do I really want to be with someone like that? I guess for now my plan is to wait a bit and maybe send one more text asking if she has any time to hang out Monday, and if she doesn't, ask when she will be free. But if I'm met with the same sort of response and she isn't able to give me a day she is free I don't know what more I can do. I guess I feel that saying something like #4 (maybe reworded a bit to seem less weak) at that point at least shows that I'm not clueless, that I want to see her but I don't NEED her, and that I'm a good guy and wish her luck even if things didn't work out. And I guess in some cases that could make a girl realize that the guy isn't a desperate loser, isn't going to play her stupid game, or whatever, and could even look attractive. I feel like if I were in her shoes in that situation and still had any interest in her I'd respect her more for it and say "oh no, I'm sorry, I am interested, let's hang out Thursday" or whatever. And if that best case scenario doesn't play out it at least could get me a little closure.
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Yeah only say no #4 if she tells you that she is not interested in dating. Don't say it out of blue or because you haven't heard from her. I agree with donivan. A week is better. And honestly the ball is in her court. Let her respond, if she doesn't you have your answer. Or you can just act like her non-response means she still wasn't fully aware of her schedule and WITH FULL CONFIDENCE ask out again. Don't overthink or get desperate. Doesn't sound like you are a priority for her at the moment. Who knows why? Don't assume the worst though.
highseas Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I actually read the longer version, and that gave me more context. Given her seemingly high interest level, I would definitely not go with #4 reply as others have said. I don't know if giving her "only" a Monday or Wednesday makes her think that you "downgraded" your date from a Friday date to a weekday date? It is possible. If it's me I would not suggest a "solid day" that works for me and then approach her. It's possible that your solid day doesn't work for her (or she doesn't know if it will). I would just ask her what day works best for her and then you add that so and so day works best for you and then see if you both have some overlaps. If you said you "might" be able to do Thursday night that sounded kind of indefinite to her too. What if she says Thursday works for her and then you pull out a "sorry, I actually can't on Thursday?". Since she displayed such a high level of interest, perhaps she expects you to match that level before she gives you more. Maybe she is checking herself for giving away so much so early in terms of interest level. Just my two cents. I am no expert let me warn you.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Yeah only say no #4 if she tells you that she is not interested in dating. Don't say it out of blue or because you haven't heard from her. I agree with donivan. A week is better. And honestly the ball is in her court. Let her respond, if she doesn't you have your answer. Or you can just act like her non-response means she still wasn't fully aware of her schedule and WITH FULL CONFIDENCE ask out again. Don't overthink or get desperate. Doesn't sound like you are a priority for her at the moment. Who knows why? Don't assume the worst though. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm thinking I will probably wait until after I get back from my trip on Sunday and ask when she's free during the week. I can't think of anything I could say right now that would actually get her to hold a conversation anyway. Makes things pretty awkward when instead of just saying what you feel like saying you need to try to find a topic that could spark a conversation for once. It just kinda stinks that going a week without talking makes me feel like we'll have lost all momentum by then. Is this a thing that people do sometimes when they are actually still interested? I mean, she could have just told me she was busy Wednesday but sent a screenshot of her schedule to prove it. Not sure why someone would bother to do that if they really don't want to see you again. I don't know... it feels like mind games and now I don't know if there's something I did or didn't do that's making her act this way. All I can think of is that I didn't send the "I had a great time on our date" text. It feels pretty formulaic to me so I only say it when the girl seems kind of old fashioned in that way, and she doesn't. I still texted the next day and tried to make a little small talk before telling her to have a good time at the wedding she was going to. Besides that the only thing I can think of is that I told her during the date that I'm living with my parents at the moment while I look for a condo to buy. The last girl I dated had major issues with this but instead of disappearing she just told me she didn't want to get serious until I "have my sh*t together" haha. Because you know... living month to month in a crappy apartment and paying off college debt until you're 40 means you have your sh*t together more than someone who has paid off all of their debt while saving enough money for a 20% down payment on a home. But this seems to be how the women I date think... It kind of makes me feel like acknowledging that she seems to have gotten quiet and asking if she has any questions/concerns or something. Being an adult about the situation at least, haha.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 I actually read the longer version, and that gave me more context. Given her seemingly high interest level, I would definitely not go with #4 reply as others have said. I don't know if giving her "only" a Monday or Wednesday makes her think that you "downgraded" your date from a Friday date to a weekday date? It is possible. If it's me I would not suggest a "solid day" that works for me and then approach her. It's possible that your solid day doesn't work for her (or she doesn't know if it will). I would just ask her what day works best for her and then you add that so and so day works best for you and then see if you both have some overlaps. If you said you "might" be able to do Thursday night that sounded kind of indefinite to her too. What if she says Thursday works for her and then you pull out a "sorry, I actually can't on Thursday?". Since she displayed such a high level of interest, perhaps she expects you to match that level before she gives you more. Maybe she is checking herself for giving away so much so early in terms of interest level. Just my two cents. I am no expert let me warn you. I don't really think she thinks I "downgraded" the date from a Friday date to a weekday date. She knows I'm going to be away Fri-Sat and we talked about wanting to hang out before then (she brought it up...) I agree on not asking for a solid day and trying to find a day that works for her and figure out where our schedules overlap. As far as how I said Thursday might work for me... that was probably a mistake but I already have an obligation Thursday. I just thought I'd see if she was free and try to get out of it early and see her if she wanted to. As far as her wanting me to match her interest level... I mean, I was keeping up with her basically constant texting. I turned down meeting with her in advance of our originally scheduled date, but beyond that I felt like our pre-date interest levels were about the same.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 I think I'm going to text her tomorrow night if I don't hear from her and just confidently ask what day she's free to do something next week. I have Monday off so that day would be best for me, and it makes sense to give her a little notice instead of springing it on her Sunday night when I get home (don't have cell service in Canada). Plus I don't really feel like having this hanging over me while I'm away, I'd rather know for sure whether or not a second date is happening. It's really not the end of the world either way, I just wanted to try to make the most out of what I thought was a rare opportunity with a girl I'm actually really into. If not there will be others, it will just take some time.
Versacehottie Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Well you could. But I don't know that this is best. Don't let your impatience get the best of you. Also I notice that there is a tone of all the reasons why you couldn't be good enough. Huh??! Why? Why are you putting her on a pedestal? As for reasons to why she would handle this as she has, some people only value others if they "push back" in some way that lets them know they have worth. Chasing after her in desperate manner or hurry to book by thursday for monday will not give her the impression she needs if she is on the fence for this reason. Nor will having this "adult" discussion you speak of. Give her some of her own medicine. On the cocky scale move to the other side of it rather than the one you're on. Guessing that's what she needs to see from you. If you've got your stuff together in a practical sense, you could read as too safe or boring to her. You show her you're not by not giving a sh*t not running after her in too desperate way. You're doing it mainly for impatience reasons, no other good reason. Chill out, act like you're not sure she's so special since she hasn't acted like it to you.
Curious-One Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Honestly it seems to me that she wanted you to make a move. Girl inviting you to her place and going out for drinks and then coming back to her place i hope you alteast made a move to kiss her.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Well you could. But I don't know that this is best. Don't let your impatience get the best of you. Also I notice that there is a tone of all the reasons why you couldn't be good enough. Huh??! Why? Why are you putting her on a pedestal? As for reasons to why she would handle this as she has, some people only value others if they "push back" in some way that lets them know they have worth. Chasing after her in desperate manner or hurry to book by thursday for monday will not give her the impression she needs if she is on the fence for this reason. Nor will having this "adult" discussion you speak of. Give her some of her own medicine. On the cocky scale move to the other side of it rather than the one you're on. Guessing that's what she needs to see from you. If you've got your stuff together in a practical sense, you could read as too safe or boring to her. You show her you're not by not giving a sh*t not running after her in too desperate way. You're doing it mainly for impatience reasons, no other good reason. Chill out, act like you're not sure she's so special since she hasn't acted like it to you. Hmm, yeah... I get what you're saying. To be honest though, if I'm really dealing with someone who is going to play games trying to see if I'll "push back" I really don't want a relationship with that type of person anyway. How many more games is a person like this going to play? If my showing interest makes her think she's better than me it sounds like she has some growing up to do, that's some pretty childish stuff. Is this a standard game women play? Go on a date with a guy, tell him they want to see him again, then just act like they don't care for a week and see how he reacts? Some guys will lose it and b*tch them out and some will keep their cool? Anyway, I was thinking that since I'm going to be in Montreal Fri-Sun she could text me during that time and I wouldn't even receive it. I figured it would just be better for me to get it out of the way and not have to wonder what her deal is while I'm away. But I don't know, I'm back to being undecided so maybe I'll just wait until I get back Sunday. I just know that I could also end up waiting too long and she could find another option... All of this stuff is so ridiculous. Apparently some girls want a guy to show a lot of interest, some girls want a guy to show very little interest... can never win haha.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Honestly it seems to me that she wanted you to make a move. Girl inviting you to her place and going out for drinks and then coming back to her place i hope you alteast made a move to kiss her. Well I mean, she invited a total stranger to her place haha. Then we were forced to go back to her place afterward because my car was parked there, so it wasn't like taking me back to her place was a way of showing me she wanted me to make a move. I usually don't make a move like that on a first date anyway. I've had girls who were actually interested turn away from a first date kiss, only to text immediately saying they had a great time and want to go out again. And I've had girls I didn't try to kiss tell me afterward that they "wouldn't have minded it" (aka really wanted it) and were still very interested. Either way it seems rare for a girl to reject someone just because they didn't go for a first date kiss. Kind of makes it seem like you're trying to get into her pants to quickly to me, but what do I know.
Author xyz1234 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 Just to follow up, I ended up texting her Thursday night and asked when she's free to hang out this week. She said she wasn't sure because her work schedule totally changes from day to day, so I told her we can figure it out when I get back my from my trip and she said "sounds good" and told me to have fun. So yesterday I texted her and she actually held a decent conversation for the first time in a while. Eventually I asked if she knows when she's free this week and didn't get a response for a few hours. When she finally responded she told me she had been thinking about whether she saw me as someone she'd like to date or as more of a friend, and she came to the conclusion that she sees me as more of a friend. She said she really does want to be friends though and that she still wanted to hang out, and asked if I feel the same way. I told her that to be honest I had wanted to see if things might work out as more than friends but that when I meet someone I like I'd rather have them in my life in some capacity than not at all and that I'd like to be friends. I told her that initially I'd leave it up to her to ask me to hang out, since I don't want it to feel like I'm still pursuing her. She immediately asked if I want to do dinner and a movie this weekend, and I accepted. Kind of interesting, not sure I've been in a situation like this before haha. I've told girls I've met that I see them as more of a friend but I definitely didn't ask them to hang out right way (or at all for the most part). I think she may have jumped the gun on her decision, considering we have only hung out for a couple hours and she obviously does like my personality (and was apparently conflicted for a week as to whether she wanted to be friends or more than that). Either way I'm cool with it, I'll hang out with her expecting to be nothing more than friends and see how things go.
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