brokentreasure Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Not sure if this is the right section to post this, but here it goes: I’ve been seeing a man for about 3.5 months. We recently entered into an exclusive relationship. His father has been sick for several months now, and sadly, he passed away yesterday. He texted me late at night telling me and told me he wanted to see me this week, he just didn’t know when he’d be able to. I told him I cared, for him to take his time, and to let me know when he was feeling ready to do something and I’d work around his schedule. He’d mentioned his father’s illness to me before, about a month into the relationship, and I also told him then I was there for him if he needed it. He’d thanked me then, but told me he didn’t want to burden me with it and weight the relationship down. Now I know I have to wait for him because this is a big change in his life. Like I mentioned before, he’s tried to keep his father’s illness out of our relationship so I don’t want to force my desire to take care of him down his throat. I know it’s not about me right now, and I do feel like texting him just to check in is sort of invasive. I’m just not sure how to proceed. I don’t want to smother him, but I also don’t want to abandon him.
carhill Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Is this an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship? I'm asking because 3.5 months is a goodly amount of time to be together if you've been seeing each other regularly. Guys typically don't wish to burden others with their personal problems or grief and we process a lot of stuff alone. Your guy is apparently typical. I recall, by pure happenstance (no dating involved) receiving a phone call from a LS'er on the day my mother died. We ended up talking for a couple hours, not specifically about the events in my life that day but just in general. I found that interaction to be really uplifting, not because the lady knew my mother or had any strong feelings for myself but rather because it was a reminder that life was still going on and human contact was still valuable and valued. Sometimes the human voice can convey emotion which characters on a page (like this) cannot. Give it a try. See how things go. If it's brief, it is. If it's more lengthly, that. Even a simple and heartfelt voice mail can be valued. Do what you do and it'll be received how it's received. 2
Author brokentreasure Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 He's indicated he doesn't want to talk about it - I've offered a few times before. I told him it's not a burden, but he still refused to weigh down our relationship. But like I said, I want to be there for him, but if he doesn't want me to be or doesn't need me, I don't want to push him.
15Love Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Tough line to walk. Just be genuine...offer help, but don't push. If he doesn't appreciate it, at least you were true to yourself. You're sweet to be available
Author brokentreasure Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Tough line to walk. Just be genuine...offer help, but don't push. If he doesn't appreciate it, at least you were true to yourself. You're sweet to be available I've already offered to help before and I'm sure he knows I'm here if he needs it. Should I remind him? Or let him come to me when he's ready.
writergal Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I've already offered to help before and I'm sure he knows I'm here if he needs it. Should I remind him? Or let him come to me when he's ready. No, don't remind him because that will make you appear needy and controlling to him. His father just died. Let him process that. He will resume his relationship with you if/when he's ready to. I know you probably feel like he's left the relationship with you in a state of limbo - and he has. But...it's par for the course when a child loses a parent. Priorities shift. Maybe the relationship with you isn't a priority for him right now. And if that's a deal breaker for you, then end things. But if not, this would be a good time for you to step back and focus on your life while he sorts out his. The best thing you can do for him is to leave him alone. Don't constantly text him, asking him how he's doing. Just be patient. Patience is a virtue. Let him set the pace and make the next move. 1
Author brokentreasure Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 No, don't remind him because that will make you appear needy and controlling to him. His father just died. Let him process that. He will resume his relationship with you if/when he's ready to. I know you probably feel like he's left the relationship with you in a state of limbo - and he has. But...it's par for the course when a child loses a parent. Priorities shift. Maybe the relationship with you isn't a priority for him right now. And if that's a deal breaker for you, then end things. But if not, this would be a good time for you to step back and focus on your life while he sorts out his. The best thing you can do for him is to leave him alone. Don't constantly text him, asking him how he's doing. Just be patient. Patience is a virtue. Let him set the pace and make the next move. Thank you. This is what I was looking for. I understand he needs time. And I know he needs to process. I'm ok with waiting, that's not a problem because it's not about me right now. My problem was appearing cold or uncaring if I didn't reach out. Almost like if I'd turned my back on him in his time of need. I know he has siblings to lean on and friends. So I'll give him space and time. That's all I can do. 1
writergal Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Thank you. This is what I was looking for. I understand he needs time. And I know he needs to process. I'm ok with waiting, that's not a problem because it's not about me right now. My problem was appearing cold or uncaring if I didn't reach out. Almost like if I'd turned my back on him in his time of need. I know he has siblings to lean on and friends. So I'll give him space and time. That's all I can do. Of course that's all you can do. Doesn't mean that you have to 100% disappear from his life. Obviously, don't do that. Did he specify that he wanted to continue dating you? What did he say exactly? Did he invite you to his father's funeral? Did you go? You don't need to put your entire life on hold for him either. Just check in with him to see how he's doing and let him respond. Obviously, if he stops contacting you that's a sign he's not ready for more with you.
Author brokentreasure Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Of course that's all you can do. Doesn't mean that you have to 100% disappear from his life. Obviously, don't do that. Did he specify that he wanted to continue dating you? What did he say exactly? Did he invite you to his father's funeral? Did you go? You don't need to put your entire life on hold for him either. Just check in with him to see how he's doing and let him respond. Obviously, if he stops contacting you that's a sign he's not ready for more with you. I saw him the day before and he said he wanted to build a relationship with me. He knew his father was going to pass, it wasn't sudden, so I'm assuming he had time to process our relationship. But again, this was before he actually passed. When he contacted me yesterday, he said he did want to see me this week, he just wasn't sure when. And I told him to let me know when he was ready. He did not invite me to the funeral - I actually don't know when it's happening. So when should I contact him? In a few days?
writergal Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I saw him the day before and he said he wanted to build a relationship with me. He knew his father was going to pass, it wasn't sudden, so I'm assuming he had time to process our relationship. But again, this was before he actually passed. When he contacted me yesterday, he said he did want to see me this week, he just wasn't sure when. And I told him to let me know when he was ready. He did not invite me to the funeral - I actually don't know when it's happening. So when should I contact him? In a few days? So, he clarified with you that he wants to pursue a relationship with you...but he won't invite you to his father's funeral? Hmm that doesn't make any sense. Maybe he thinks 3.5 months is too soon to invite you? Do you want to go to the funeral? I don't see anything wrong with asking him if you can attend to show your support for him and his family. It shouldn't bother him that you want to attend, if he has already told you that he wants to pursue a relationship with you. Since you just talked to him yesterday (Sunday), I'd wait a few days and check in with him before the week ends. Don't text him. Call him. Better to check in that way. Ask him if he still wants to see you this week/weekend.
Author brokentreasure Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 So, he clarified with you that he wants to pursue a relationship with you...but he won't invite you to his father's funeral? Hmm that doesn't make any sense. Maybe he thinks 3.5 months is too soon to invite you? Do you want to go to the funeral? I don't see anything wrong with asking him if you can attend to show your support for him and his family. It shouldn't bother him that you want to attend, if he has already told you that he wants to pursue a relationship with you. Since you just talked to him yesterday (Sunday), I'd wait a few days and check in with him before the week ends. Don't text him. Call him. Better to check in that way. Ask him if he still wants to see you this week/weekend. I think it's probably that he sees it as early to invite me. I guess I'll call him in a few days. It's just weird because like I said, I want to be there, but not force myself on him.
writergal Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I think it's probably that he sees it as early to invite me. I guess I'll call him in a few days. It's just weird because like I said, I want to be there, but not force myself on him. Yes that's possibly why he hasn't invited you. Definitely call him in a few days.
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Send him a condolence card & a fruit basket or a plant. Call him next week to ask how he is. Let him talk. I wasn't particularly functional when my parents passed. It has nothing to do with you but you will have to give him time. 2
15Love Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I would let him come to you. Guys tend to go after what they want. No matter what's going on. On another note, 3.5 months is early to be invited to an all family situation. That's not the time or place to introduce someone new to the family. He's got a lot on his plate. If he said he want to Perdue soemthing, let him make good on his word. Just be the bright spot for him when he does reach out to you. Cause he will. Just be patient. 1
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