meryd Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) Hi all. I am so frustrated and hope that some of you could just help me clear my head and understand what I already know but somehow have no guts to move on. I am 31 , a journalist. I am dating with my boyfriend for about 14 months. A couple of months ago while he was very drunk (as usual when he goes out) we had a fight, I left early and in the morning he sent a message on linkedin to my bestfriedn that he would like to **** her (not with this words of course, but this was the message). I was devastated and stop the communication for a week. He was calling, senting messages, coming on my door, senting gifts, dinner and so on and so on . I finally agree to met him in a bar and here what he has to say. He said that this thing with my friend was some crazy delusive fixation, something that it is not real, that he finds her attractive but nothing really special. Somehow I forgave him. I had a lot of thing going on at the time, my mother commited a suicide, so I was just not ready to leave the relationship. Of course, my self-esteem was ruined and took a several month to begin to restore... I had terrible times sitting with my bestfriend without asking myself what does she has, that I don't and so on and so on...He wanted to apologize to her and after 3 month I let him do it and invited him together with us both on a drink. Last week he had a birthday and he told me to invite all the friend I want. He even mentioned her. I invited her. She came, everything was normal, we use to go out even before the birthday so it was not really a big deal for me. Than my friend told me that he asked her on the birthday party to give him his email so that he can sent her an "essey, a letter" where he is apologizing. I went crazy. I asked him and he said that it is nothing really special, that he wanted to do it so we can all go on, that this letter was more his monologue that a letter for her. I stop there and later I checked his lap top and find the letter. He even said (before this) that I can see the letter. He was basically telling her that he had strong and passionate feeling about her and that hefelt instinctive attraction and so on ... I just cant even put all that here it hurts me to check the letter again. That he does not know here, but yet he felt that. That he has the same feelings for me and her and that he is suffering from ,,emotional bilateral attraction conflict" ... I mean what the hell! the letter is not finished btw... I can not even imagine that he will ever sent this and even show that to me! So tell me that I ll be stupid to by this whole apologizing thing..he is only senting me messages cause i amlost block him everywhere, that he loves me so deeply, so much, so of everything, that he want children, marriage and so on that he never felt anything similar to another human being...But I just feel that this is not worth the trust and hate him for the emotions that he is making me feel about my best friend. Edited June 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Friskyone4u Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 OK. Assuming she has done NOTHING to encourage this, you have two choices here (1) dump the girlfriend and demand NC with her from him. (2) dump the boyfriend personally, I would choose #2. 7
Author meryd Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 No, she has done nothing at all to provoke that! And I will never dump her...Thank you so much
almond Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 14 months is a while, but not a whole lot of time in the grand scheme of things. If your friend had accepted, he would have cheated and/or dumped you. You need to find your strength and leave this guy. Get some counselling...it can really help you connect with yourself properly and process some of the stuff that is holding you back. I am truly sorry to hear about what happened to your mother <3 Did your friend tell you that he sent the first message telling her he wants to **** her? If she hid it from you as well, then you need to realise that you deserve better people in your life. Please, look into some counselling. Get yourself into a better place and find your strength. Ditch this dirtbag - you deserve so much more. You will never trust him (for good reason), and you will never find happiness in this relationship. Rip off the bandaid. Stop torturing yourself and start taking the necessary steps towards healing. It's hard and will hurt badly for a while, but you can do it and come out so much better on the other side!
Author meryd Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Yes, my friend told me immediately...I am so sorry that even she had to through that uncomfortable situation. Maybe I should really try some therapist, cause I can not even recognize how I behave anymore. Thanks for your time.. 1
moys Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 This guy is trash, dump him. What is worrying is he's harassing your friend unsolicited, your boyfriend has very serious issues with respecting women's boundaries. Who knows what else he is capable of? I think you should just leave it and consider yourself lucky that you didn't spend another 14 months with this weirdo. 3
stillafool Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 This guy is obsessed with your friend. Who does this? He's so crazy about her he's writing long letters that he isn't even sure he'll send. Men normally don't act that way. He's a cancer what is she? Just curious. 1
Author meryd Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 But I ve notice that he is using the same phrases and same rethoric even same sentences while writing her, as he's been talking or writing to me...I guess he is just psycho, don't know really what to think. He is neurosurgeon and he has this God complex a little bit...
craw Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Well you've seen his true colours, I don't understand what kind of ******* would pull this bs knowing what you're going through emotionally.
Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 But I just feel that this is not worth the trust and hate him for the emotions that he is making me feel about my best friend. You are absolutely right. I am sorry you are having a tough time of it but this guy is making it worse not better. I really think you need to just take a deep breath and get him gone. You have far more important things to worry about right now than him being a total twazzock. Sometimes in life in order to make it better we have to just tear it down and start again. 14 months...? Thats only 14 pay days... put like that its no time at all. Chin up chook. You may feel at rock bottom right now but the great news is that when you are at rock bottom, the only way left to go is up! You can do it. Be brave. 1
CarrieT Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Not even worth thinking twice about. He feels an "instant connection" with your friend and writes a monologue/essay to her? Sent or un-sent, you don't want to settle for someone who is obsessing about someone else. Let him go. 2
loveflower Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 He is neurosurgeon and he has this God complex a little bit... A neurosurgeon is really something by itself...but what does it matter if he doesn't treat you right? We just want to live a happy life, be cherished and be loved. for that, I think I can trade a godly figure for a commoner.
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I'm so sorry for your loss, condolences to you and tons of hugs. Your boyfriend is disgusting. Instead of being there for you, loving and supporting your during the more painful and difficult time in your life, focusing on just you, he's out drinking and getting drunk then sending your friend sexual messages and acting totally inappropriate. Rely on your friends to help you and dump your boyfriend. You don't need more pain and drama/stress right now and don't use him as a security blanket. He's unreliable and not there for you in the way he should be.
Arieswoman Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 meryd, A couple of months ago while he was very drunk (as usual when he goes out) Gee whizz - if he makes a habit of that I certainly don't want him operating on me ! It sounds downright irresponsible. He is neurosurgeon and he has this God complex a little bit.. He must think he's invincible if he thinks he can escape a DUI. This guy has a problem with his own brain - it seems to be stuck up another part of his anatomy. Just dump this idiot.
preraph Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Look, the important thing here isn't that he is in lust with your friend. The important thing here is that he doesn't care enough about you to stop him from hurting you in one of the cruelest ways by coming on to your good friend. He doesn't know what love is, although he professes to love two women. He has no empathy. He doesn't care if you're hurting. He is a selfish pig. There, I said it. And he's still playing your friend. Dump him! 1
spiderowl Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 His behaviour towards this other woman, your friend, would not sit easily with me. Personally, I could not trust a guy who did that, however much he apologised. Apology does not change underlying feelings and it is those feelings that would bother me. It seems you can either carry on with him, living with this knowledge, or give him up. Do you trust him? If you don't, then what is left? 1
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