contel3 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I forgot to add: People will judge you more on a stupid than on an ugly partner. Do you really think anyone will care? If she's nice her looks really won't matter to people. If she's pretty but stupid however, people will make fun of you for being shallow. They will also judge your own intellect based on hers. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I re-read what you wrote. Basically you said she is attractive to you, but just not a classic beauty is that right? I'm actually surprised you never experienced that before. It's perfectly normal to see a few flaws in your partner before you fall in love. Once you do, it will be just those flaws who will make you feel attracted to them. Attraction is not only about beauty. Sometimes you do realise your partner may not be miss - universe for the rest of the world. As long as she is for you there is no problem with that. This are the OP's words in his opening post; "I'm a 40yr man, I'm a nice looking guy and I always dated very beautiful girls in my life. Now I'm dating a girl that is not so beautiful, she is a bit ugly to tell the true. She is 29yr, and besides the looking not so good she is perfect in all other aspects: I like to be with her, she is very smart, she is very funny, she like me very much, she is very successful in professional life, she has an excellent family, we have great sex, she have great friends and she has a very very good heart. So I decided to have her as a girlfriend today - I asked her and she accepted. The problem is that having a not so beautiful girl is something new to me: sometimes I'm a bit afraid of what others will think about me, sometimes my more mature side tells me to do not care what others think as I'm really happy having her by my side. I'm still afraid of posting photos with her in facebook - but I know that the time will solve this. Any suggestion about how to deal with this? Do you had any similar experience to share? Thank you." It's fine to be attracted to men/women who don't fit the socially acceptable norm for what is "supposed" to be attractive but at the very least the person dating the unconventional looking partner would think their attractive regardless. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - it's a saying for a reason. To call your partner "ugly" sends up a red flag for me. Being ashamed to post pics on Facebook for fear of what others might think, even more red flags. As much as I may respect his appreciation for all the other fine attributes his partner possesses and how compatible they are, I find his approach and his description of her a bit harsh not to mention unnecessary. OP, enjoy what you have because it's a rare thing to have that kind of connection and compatibility! Perusing LS will make you a believer of that in a heartbeat. 1
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 How can she be a brain surgeon at 29? To be a specialist in medical field you are looking at 12 years of Uni studies. 1
BlueIris Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 How can she be a brain surgeon at 29? To be a specialist in medical field you are looking at 12 years of Uni studies. It’s possible. In the US, there are accelerated undergrad/MD programs that take less than 8 years. Also, she might have started young. I have a friend who started her BA at 15 and had completed her MD at 23, and she didn't go through an accelerated program. So, it could be possible. Impressive, though!
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 It’s possible. In the US, there are accelerated undergrad/MD programs that take less than 8 years. Also, she might have started young. I have a friend who started her BA at 15 and had completed her MD at 23, and she didn't go through an accelerated program. So, it could be possible. Impressive, though! Wow very impressive. No matter her facial features any man should be very proud to have her on his arm. 3
Timshel Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Marcelo, do what you want to do. Personally, I think that long term relationships can wreck havoc on the most attractive. Bills, work, laundry, cleaning and such can make the beautiful look down right ugly. Ten years from now is really all you need to ask yourself, no matter any looks or profession. Who you wake up to and go to bed with, have children with and weather all the shenanigans of life with, looks won't conquer. That said Marcelo, and trust me with this, attraction in the darkest hours do help. It's harder to stay mad at someone you want to f*ck. If there isn't a physical attraction now, down the line, it won't get better. 4
VengeanceGuidesMe Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) Wow very impressive. No matter her facial features any man should be very proud to have her on his arm. I don't know. From what I've been told here, if a man doesn't find her attractive, he doesn't really give a **** about her on his arm. Just like super nice gentlemen with great careers get rejected by women because "I'm just not romantically attracted to him". If only she had the looks, she could shovel **** for a living, just like the same with men. Finally, we have a post from someone who has decided he isn't going to let society dictate what is attractive, and he has looked beyond the superficial. He's dating a girl that would please the feminist posting pictures of what "real women look like" and yet he takes abuse in here for being open about fears of going against societal grain. That is what this issue is. Going against the norms of society in any capacity can be fearful. Wear a jersey of the away team to a home game in philly and see what it's like for a ****ing football game. Now imagine being homosexual, dating interracially, or dating a girl that doesn't live up to your entire social circle's expectations in some manner. These are real fears and completely legitimate. Your man [OP] bashing attitudes in this thread show the level at which you participate in enforcing societal stereotypes; you all are not close to being objective to your own thoughts. EDIT: I only quoted Gaeta because she was near the top. There were like 5 of you in these responses I'd say need to rethink your position a little bit. Also, OP is clearly not native to US or UK. In a lot of countries, bachelors are done in 3, masters in 1 or 2, Medschool in 3, specialization in 2. That is 10 total years from 18. So it's possible she fast tracked it and had her head on straight. Edited July 23, 2015 by VengeanceGuidesMe
preraph Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Marcelo, do what you want to do. Personally, I think that long term relationships can wreck havoc on the most attractive. Bills, work, laundry, cleaning and such can make the beautiful look down right ugly. Ten years from now is really all you need to ask yourself, no matter any looks or profession. Who you wake up to and go to bed with, have children with and weather all the shenanigans of life with, looks won't conquer. That said Marcelo, and trust me with this, attraction in the darkest hours do help. It's harder to stay mad at someone you want to f*ck. If there isn't a physical attraction now, down the line, it won't get better. Wow, that was sad. 1
mtber75 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I'm a 40yr man, I'm a nice looking guy and I always dated very beautiful girls in my life. Now I'm dating a girl that is not so beautiful, she is a bit ugly to tell the true. She is 29yr, and besides the looking not so good she is perfect in all other aspects: I like to be with her, she is very smart, she is very funny, she like me very much, she is very successful in professional life, she has an excellent family, we have great sex, she have great friends and she has a very very good heart. So I decided to have her as a girlfriend today - I asked her and she accepted. The problem is that having a not so beautiful girl is something new to me: sometimes I'm a bit afraid of what others will think about me, sometimes my more mature side tells me to do not care what others think as I'm really happy having her by my side. I'm still afraid of posting photos with her in facebook - but I know that the time will solve this. Any suggestion about how to deal with this? Do you had any similar experience to share? Thank you. There are plenty of ways to make your lady beautiful via beauty products and surgeries? But what it really matters is her personality! She must of give you great sex than? I was told that this can be true... My friend who is a successful engineer married a not so beautiful woman (fat and glasses). But he must of see something in her or have a great sex life because they are still together with 2 kids NOW!
sunshine2 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I dated a man that was not so attractive to me to start. But he won me over cause he was a gentleman, always considered me first, made me laugh my head off, was kind, and treated me really well. Looks fade, and all that really matters is how you feel about that person and their heart. He became beautiful to me in every way. We did eventually break up, but it had nothing to do with looks. Since that experience, I look at men differently then I did before. I realize that I am not perfect, I am not a model and I have many flaws too. I go by how I feel about the person and not so much about the looks at all. If there is chemistry and connection, looks make no difference to me at all. Good luck! 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I dated a man that was not so attractive to me to start. But he won me over cause he was a gentleman, always considered me first, made me laugh my head off, was kind, and treated me really well. Looks fade, and all that really matters is how you feel about that person and their heart. He became beautiful to me in every way. We did eventually break up, but it had nothing to do with looks. Since that experience, I look at men differently then I did before. I realize that I am not perfect, I am not a model and I have many flaws too. I go by how I feel about the person and not so much about the looks at all. If there is chemistry and connection, looks make no difference to me at all. Good luck! Thank you! I've posted in other forums about attraction and physical beauty. If we were able to punch into a computer EXACTLY what we'd like our perfect match to look like physically, we'd have NO PROBLEM doing it. We all have our list of must have's, don't we? But is that really ALL that matters at the end of the day? I too have found myself head over heels for men who were didn't quite fall into the category of what society deemed "attractive". And certainly not MY usual norm physically speaking. But guess what? They were some of the best experiences I had were with men. Getting to know them, their personality, wit and charisma made all the difference in terms of seeing them in a totally different light - a more authentic and full spectrum view of a person. My initial experience forever changed the way I looked at attraction and left me much more open to all sorts of possibilities when it came to men provided they were more than just a one-trick-pony (nobody likes a one-trick-pony no matter who they are). Strong character and humble confidence are two other important traits I LOVE in a man and those things can often tip the scales in terms of attraction. 2
Biscous Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 OP you will probably resent her in some form or another for not living up to your standards and being proud of her.
Phoe Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I don't think this can work, as you are basically ashamed of her. NO woman wants to think that her bf is ashamed of her, and no doubt this shame will come out in arguments that you have down the line, and that will hurt her to her core. This... You need to be very careful about your mindset with this, because yes, it will be noticeable to her. Some of my exes were not attracted to me, and it always came out. Whether it was disinterest in sex, or actual demeaning words, or declarations of some other preference, I always ended up being VERY aware of how not attracted they were. It wears on a person, and it is very thin ice. If you really think this girl is absolutely wonderful, something in your mindset about her appearance has got to change! 1
Grumpybutfun Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 One day when you grow as a person, you will cringe at your thought process and your behavior here. Never shallowly lead someone on or mess with their heart if you aren't completely invested. It is cruel. She deserves better. Move on, Grumps 5
Eighty_nine Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 For starters you are making up things to make up for your lack of attraction to her — since when do us guys care about a girl's professional successfulness, intelligence, family or her friends? If she was attractive you wouldn't even mention those. hope this is a joke. it'd be pretty sad if a guy didn't want his gf to be intelligent and have some personal interests/success. 1
GoodOnPaper Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 You need to be very careful about your mindset with this, because yes, it will be noticeable to her. Some of my exes were not attracted to me, and it always came out. Whether it was disinterest in sex, or actual demeaning words, or declarations of some other preference, I always ended up being VERY aware of how not attracted they were. It wears on a person, and it is very thin ice. I agree that if the OP is putting up some kind of front (even if it's to himself), then at some point he will feel enough of a disconnect that his true feelings will show through and the relationship will deteriorate. But it sounds like he becoming more content with the relationship, so why is this such a problem with everybody? He found other qualities about his gf on which to base the relationship. Is that so hard to believe? And if this connection to those qualities of her is not enough, then things will take care of themselves.
wb1988 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 hope this is a joke. it'd be pretty sad if a guy didn't want his gf to be intelligent and have some personal interests/success. No that's not what I meant. If a girl is successful then that's great, but thats all on her; like it doesn't make her more attractive. The is contrast for guys where a guy actually can be exponentially more attractive when he's successful and rich. You could even say that when a girl is successful then it might intimidate most guys, like when an attractive girl drives an expensive car. Same goes for friends and family. If you have a great family and great friends then that's wonderful but it doesn't make you more attractive as a gf. In fact many guys deep down like damaged goods.
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 In fact many guys deep down like damaged goods. I think you are correct there. 1
Candygirljane Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I never experienced what you did. But some of my boyfriends made me feel like I'm that "not so beautiful girl". Are you really in love with her? Or just scared of being alone? I never understood how you can be in love and still feel ashamed of that person. My advice would be to break it off. If you don't think she's beautiful- she can probably sense it. Even if you don't say anything, it's something she will realise sooner or later. Having your boyfriend think you are ugly is really heartbreaking. I'm sure there's someone out there who will think she is beautiful just as she is. yea exactly. i think u should like her appearance if u r in love with her. it makes no sense :/ 1
wb1988 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 yea exactly. i think u should like her appearance if u r in love with her. it makes no sense :/ I 100% agree. If you actually loved her then you'd find her very attractive, perhaps the most beautiful girl in the world. Any guy (or girl) that's been in love will know what this is like. She has a spot on her cheek? You're in love with her? Then you must find that spot on her cheek cute as ****! Unless of course you're not actually in love with her, then that spot is just annoying and ugly. 1
Candygirljane Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) i remember that u said u guys had great sex. how did u get turned on if she's not physically attractive to u? just curious OP i don't think the appearance is that important. u mentioned that she is successful. i have seen lots of successful people, even tho they are not good looking but confidence makes them look attractive and charming (unless they are over wight badly). Edited July 23, 2015 by Candygirljane 1
HereNorThere Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) OP, be very careful taking advice from women on this subject. This is one area where women and men vary to an amazing degree. Admittedly, in some cases women are healthier in the way the look at all the various aspects of a partner, education, health, wealth, etc. and physical appearance isn't nearly as important to most of them. However, just as you can be blinded by a blonde bombshell, they can just as easily be blinded by a man with resources and power aka, a sugar daddy. Look, you probably don't want to hear this, but this isn't going to end up well for the girl you're dating. I know deep down you are trying your hardest to see all of her good qualities and society tells you that if she treats you well, you should overlook your lack of attraction for her. The problem is that seeking the best genes to mate with is ingrained in your DNA. In most cases, it's not even that the woman isn't beautiful, it's that she doesn't do the feminine advertising (makeup, hair, etc) that other women do. Sadly, you're going to end up hurting her because, well, let's face it - YOU JUST ARENT THAT INTO HER. I know you feel like you "should be" but you aren't. The longer you drag it out, the worse you'll make it on everyone. The more hot girls you see in yoga pants walking their little dogs, the more your resentment will build and eventually you'll break her heart. Been there, done that and learned a lesson. It's not something most women understand because they think differently. Most of my professional guy friends would much rather date a hot waitress or barista as opposed to an okay looking doctor or lawyer. I have no women friends with this preference. Maybe men are pigs in this way, but I think it could be argued that women have their own conflicting biological preferences that don't make a whole lot of sense either. Edited July 24, 2015 by HereNorThere 1
ascendotum Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 i remember that u said u guys had great sex. how did u get turned on if she's not physically attractive to u? just curious OP Sometimes if one partner is more attractive than the other, the other will be more proactive and eager to please. Enthusiasm can certainly help compensate for lower physical desire.
lollipopspot Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 In fact many guys deep down like damaged goods. Why? Most of my professional guy friends would much rather date a hot waitress or barista as opposed to an okay looking doctor or lawyer. Even if they had less in common with that barista, and found her less interesting or intelligent? 2
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