carhill Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 That's a statement IMO for the OP to reflect upon. Perhaps he hasn't faced a situation like this before. It sounds like it's relatively rare for him. When married, I came to better understand the 'social stepping' of life, lifestyle and social power. Prior I had been pretty much a rugged individualist who definitely didn't buy into the society message stuff. There are a lot of folks out there who use relationships, including romantic ones, to further their personal goals in life. Other people are stepping stones, not as usury, but rather as 'this can benefit me in my life journey', whatever the goals of that journey are. My fear for the 29yo is that, if she's been reading actions as 'in love' where there is none, she'll be poofed when an 'in love' iteration comes along and won't know what hit her. I dealt with a lot of this as a placeholder back in the day; someone to be validated by until a better deal came along. Again, this is normal human behavior, since life can be brutal and we're hard-wired to survive and thrive and propagate our genes in the most advantageous way possible. 1
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 If I'm reading his statements right, the OP would prefer to date a lady whom he and other people generally find attractive.... ...Attractiveness to others is an asset, one some people are loathe to squander, or feel unproductive if they sense they are squandering it. That's where I identified the 'afraid' action word the OP was using. He needs the validation of others and a beautiful woman on his arm or on his FB page, gives him that. I am Marcello, I am successful, I date beautiful women. They find me attractive and I find them attractive. I am sure you find my gf attractive too. We are a beautiful and successful couple. I am Marcello, I usually date beautiful women, really I do. I am successful, but my gf is not a beautiful woman, she is funny, caring and smart. She finds me very attractive, but me finding her attractive, not so much. I am sure you do not find her attractive, but she IS funny, caring and smart. We are just an average couple. 1
TouchedByViolet Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 she is a bit ugly to tell the true. a bit ugly is hilarious. I've never made a girl I found a bit ugly my GF. It will probably continue to bother you and cause problems moving forward in the relationship. It's important to feel comfortable and honest in a relationship. I recommend breaking up and sticking to beautiful women. Sounds like you have had plenty of success romantically no reason to compromise on looks.
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 the minute she finds out you feel this way, your "problem" will be over because she's going to dump you like yesterday's trash. You whine that she's not beautiful on the outside but extoll her other virtues. Nevertheless, your post suggests you are not beautiful on the inside because you are being shallow & mean to this wonderful person. I don't get it. My only suggestion, try looking at her with your heart not your eyes. 1
Author marcelo.santos Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 A common fear is that of acceptance into social groups. This stems from childhood and first integration beyond the safety and security of love provided in the familial home. How those acceptances happened and what they were predicated upon form emotional memories that reside in the core areas of our personalities. "The problem is that having a not so beautiful girl is something new to me: sometimes I'm a bit afraid of what others will think about me" Apparently you're used to having a beautiful girl at your side and being seen with a beautiful girl at your side and are a bit afraid of what others will think of you and how this not-so-beautiful reflects upon your social image. Don't underestimate social image and social power and fears of loss of either as potent motivators. Both are key to success in social groups in life and social groups are generally the key to a successful and popular life, unless of course you don't mind being Tom Hanks on a little island in the middle of the ocean talking to a soccer ball. I'm mentioning this since you state you're 40, long past the age of personality formation. What you have is firmly entrenched. Thank you again for your deep comments, it makes a lot of sense. For starters you are making up things to make up for your lack of attraction to her — since when do us guys care about a girl's professional successfulness, intelligence, family or her friends? If she was attractive you wouldn't even mention those. You seem to have low self-esteem which is why you gf'd a girl that you don't find attractive, probably because you can't do better or you think she's a safe option. Btw super hot girls can be just as loyal and ugly girls can be just as slutty. I feel very attracted with her even she is not a standard beauty. About the self-esteem, actually is the inverse of what you say: My low self-esteem side is concerned if she is beauty or not, as I'm concerned about what other things - if I had a complete perfect self-esteem, I would dont care about what others think - makes sense for you? What I'm not understanding if you didn't think she was pretty why did you ask her out in the first place? This goes for the others who said this about their dates also. Why in the world would you get involved with someone you don't find attractive? Were you hard up or something? You certainly aren't doing these unattractive people any favors. Actually I find her attractive, she is not just the "standard beauty" Well since she is 29 years old and you are 40 years old you could instead of thinking of her as not so attractive, think of her as "I managed to get this woman that is over 10 years younger than I am" Yes! This is another big advantage of her. You defend her so strongly then what's the problem? You made this thread specifically about her lack of beauty and your hesitation to put it up public on FB. Now you're saying it's really about fear of commitment? The fun thing about FB is what ever you put up, you can take down as you wish. I know, this do not makes to much sense - is just how i feel right now. I don't think this can work, as you are basically ashamed of her. I'm not ashamed of her - my family already knows her and I told them that she is my GF now.
Author marcelo.santos Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 When you love someone, you think they're the most beautiful person in the world. I never loved a GF in day 1 before - I'm sure she will be a great love one day. The OP wrote: No, I'm not in love with her and I'm not scared with being alone Basically, this is a dating and sex situation without love involved. No, this is not a dating and sex situation - I dont love she yet as today is day 1 and I'm dating this girl for less than a month. I think you sound like that type of guy who needs to be with a girl who you consider to be physically attractive. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, most guys won't date a girl who they consider to be physically unattractive. Just decide what you want and don't drag this girl around with you on the pretense that you find her attractive when you clearly don't. I feel attracted with this girl and already decided to be with her It sounds like he needs a girl that OTHER people find attractive. I'm not sure that I need a other to find attactive my girl - this is not exactly the point I think. He needs the validation of others and a beautiful woman on his arm or on his FB page, gives him that. Yes, probably is something related with validation to tell you the true - but not in FB page - also I have decided to be with her - I have not discarded her due to this, so the validation exists but is not so strong. a bit ugly is hilarious. I've never made a girl I found a bit ugly my GF. It will probably continue to bother you and cause problems moving forward in the relationship. Fisrt time this happens with me, but I dont think it will be a problem in the future - I think that this problem will be solved in 1 month - I just need time as I really like her.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I'm sorry but you're speaking out of both sides of your mouth and that is really frustrating. You're clearly the insecure one in the relationship. Do her a favor and end it so she can find someone who will value her completely. 3
fireflywy Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" Yoda. Drops mic, walks off stage. Seriously though, quit look at her as a measure of YOUR value and start seeing her for HER value in line with the quote above.
fireflywy Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Why do I get the feeling she has a rock hard body? Women with rock hard bodies are awesome. My preference for sure. (being absolutely serious too.)
preraph Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 As you already know, this is mostly about what others will think of you. You are relying on a pretty woman to make you look better whether that was your intent or not. You have a confidence/self-esteem issue there. Having a beautiful woman does not make you look like a better person. In fact, many people might mark you down for placing looks above all. So now you're reaching that age when other things are becoming important -- and bravo! Because it's nice to wake up to a pretty face, but it's even nicer to wake up next to someone you just really really like. And usually once you really begin to like that person, their looks will grow on you. You know, I once rescued the homliest old dog. By two months after I had her, I realize I thought she was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen, and I still do, years after her passing. When you really deeply love someone, it redefines beauty for you.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 It's only been a month. So break up w-her while it's still new. At least that way, there won't be any long lasting emotional damage. I know that you always hear people say that someone will become more attractive as you get to know them. But you either like the way she looks or you don't. The longer you're with her, the more you'll begin to resent her and question why you can't find the same great qualities in a hotter woman. Then what happens? You either cheat on her, or break up with her when she's 10x more invested and the hurt will be longer lasting. If you do genuinely like her, you should do the right thing because you know deep down you're not fully into it. She deserves someone who is in all the way.
ascendotum Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 If you are ashamed of her then you should not be dating her. Just as an aside it sounds very childish and silly for a grown man to be worried about what others say... My immediate reaction is to tell you to grow a pair and tell anyone that will listen that you are the luckiest man alive to have someone so kind, thoughtful and smart on the end of your arm. THAT is how a grown man in control of his life would respond. If anyone commented about her looks a grown man would immediately stand up and tell people how proud he is of his partner. If you can't think like a grown man and are still worried about silly facebook comments I suggest you let a man who is going to admire and adore her for the reason that make her so wonderful have a chance instead. I agree with this ^. if you were in your early 20s where peer acceptance is very important I could empathize with your feelings, but you are not. As for feeling a bit embarrassed about your gf at business functions or work parties I could see that to an extent as I dated a woman once I would not bring to those (not because oi her looks but too crass/trashy). To feel embarrassed that the bosses will think less of you because she is not attractive I think it is shallow, but then no more shallow than cute/slim women saying they need a big hunky guy to feel more feminine & safe. At your age worrying about how your friends looking down on you or ostracizing you because of your not so hot gf is ridiculous....more so because you said you have dated a number of very attractive women already in your life. They have seen you with those women so you have already validated yourself with them. Same thing with your own ego. You know you can get hot women so you shouldn't still have that hangup at your age. You have proved yourself and you can now focus on less superficial qualities in a partner. If you were a guy that had struggled with women all your life and have never had a sexy gf you were strongly attracted to physically or the only women that were interested in you in the past had disabilities/overweight/medical issues/not pretty then I could understand you feeling a bit disappointed that here is another women that is into you but is not ideal in your eyes, but that's not the case with you. If you really feel ashamed of her do you both a favor and breakup with her.
mike_89 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I know that you always hear people say that someone will become more attractive as you get to know them. But you either like the way she looks or you don't. The longer you're with her, the more you'll begin to resent her and question why you can't find the same great qualities in a hotter woman. Then what happens? You either cheat on her, or break up with her when she's 10x more invested and the hurt will be longer lasting. If you do genuinely like her, you should do the right thing because you know deep down you're not fully into it. She deserves someone who is in all the way. This is probably true. Physical attraction is just necessary, especially for men. And by physical attraction I don't mean pretty or beautiful but "I'm going to have sex with you until my dick is sore, and then some more". I think you should try to figure out whether what you think she lacks is being beautiful or whether you just don't feel that same attraction towards her that you did towards other more beautiful exes.
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 At your age worrying about how your friends looking down on you or ostracizing you because of your not so hot gf is ridiculous....more so because you said you have dated a number of very attractive women already in your life. They have seen you with those women so you have already validated yourself with them. Same thing with your own ego. You know you can get hot women so you shouldn't still have that hangup at your age. You have proved yourself and you can now focus on less superficial qualities in a partner. A man at 40, still needs the validation to persuade himself he is not past it. He still wants to know he is attractive to women. So far from resting on his laurels and saying he used to date beautiful and sexy women and that is all behind him, as long as he is still dating, he will want to date "the best" as that is what he is used to. He may be 40, but he still essentially thinks the same as he did at 25, his eyes will still be attracted to the same type of women. Most men and women can be satisfied with who they married, who they paired up with, a lot of water flows under the bridge and they are comfortable with each other and their lot in life, but those who go back on the dating scene later on are unlikely to want second best just because of their age. Their dating pool age group may have got older, but any person used to dating hot and desirable people, is still going to want the hottest and most desirable person they can get. Ageing does not mean that suddenly, unattractive people become stunning. The OP is struggling here, because intellectually he knows this girl at 29 is a good catch for a 40 yo, but his history with women is telling him, she should really be better looking.
ascendotum Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 A man at 40, still needs the validation to persuade himself he is not past it. He still wants to know he is attractive to women. So far from resting on his laurels and saying he used to date beautiful and sexy women and that is all behind him, as long as he is still dating, he will want to date "the best" as that is what he is used to. I do understand this aspect as well. As you get out of your prime you still want to feel like your not and you can still validate yourself by attracting sexy women/men. For both sexes, but especially guys its still important. I think its a bigger issue though for a guy coming out of a longterm low passion marriage around that age than a guy who has had a series of relationships or flings in his 30s with attractive women. Such a guy doesn't have to prove himself to himself as much. I know a few guys who cover both cases. The ones you have dated sexy women in the past and feel that's their league and have no intention of changing and a few others who dated hotties in the past and now its not a big deal to them - the spirit and intellect of the woman is important (the women's attitude to sex and desire for them is still very important tho). Quite a lot of guys in their 40s would trade off on sexy looks to have a much younger woman, and I'm sure that's what keeping her in the running. For lots of guys a hot body trumps a pretty face (I'm one of those). I think he should base his decision on his passion for her and not what others think though.
xxoo Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 My low self-esteem side is concerned if she is beauty or not, as I'm concerned about what other things - if I had a complete perfect self-esteem, I would dont care about what others think - makes sense for you?. Makes perfect sense. Work on that. Why do you need a beautiful partner to feel good enough? Would you deny yourself a great relationship with great sex because you need the ego boost of a beauty (even one you like less)?
DaisyBug Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 He may be 40, but he still essentially thinks the same as he did at 25, his eyes will still be attracted to the same type of women. Their dating pool age group may have got older, but any person used to dating hot and desirable people, is still going to want the hottest and most desirable person they can get. They're still thinking like a 25-year-old all right, but at some point, esp. at 40, a man needs to look in the mirror and know HE'S not the same hard-bodied hunk he once was at 25. He may be able to get someone better-looking, but he is not entitled to a hot younger woman. It's a fair enough trade that she's considerably younger, period.
Author marcelo.santos Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Well, today is day 2 and I dont think she is not beautiful anymore, we had a great day yesterday - she told me that she is very happy and she told to all her friends that she have a boyfriend now after 7 years single. She is a medical doctor (Brain Cyrurgion), and have worked hard on last years - no much time for fun. We slept together and we are both very happy - probably I had that feeling of she being not so beautiful as some kind of afraid of happiness as I told - she is not a top model, but today I'm very happy to being with a so amazing girl on my side. I'm 100% sure that I maid the right decision on being on her side - she is so different from other relationship I had and she is so perfect! I'm sorry but you're speaking out of both sides of your mouth and that is really frustrating. You're clearly the insecure one in the relationship. Do her a favor and end it so she can find someone who will value her completely. It's only been a month. So break up w-her while it's still new. At least that way, there won't be any long lasting emotional damage. I know that you always hear people say that someone will become more attractive as you get to know them. But you either like the way she looks or you don't. The longer you're with her, the more you'll begin to resent her and question why you can't find the same great qualities in a hotter woman. Then what happens? You either cheat on her, or break up with her when she's 10x more invested and the hurt will be longer lasting. If you do genuinely like her, you should do the right thing because you know deep down you're not fully into it. She deserves someone who is in all the way. We are both happy I will not end the relationship - I suggest you keep these words for a cheater or something similar around here, its no my case. This is something very emotional I had and that I'm trying to figure out what happened. I'm a real human, not a personage from a drama movie that you see - I'm real and have emotions I'm not perfect but I like this woman and I have good intentions with her - she likes me very much and some day I will share this issue with her on the right time in a way that she will not be disappointed - I'm sure that our relationship will last for years because she is so special for me and she is single for 7 years and finally she found someone. Thanks for your comments anyway. "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" Yoda. Drops mic, walks off stage. Seriously though, quit look at her as a measure of YOUR value and start seeing her for HER value in line with the quote above. Yes, very true - need to focus in being the nice guy for her or I will miss her. As you already know, this is mostly about what others will think of you. You are relying on a pretty woman to make you look better whether that was your intent or not. You have a confidence/self-esteem issue there. Having a beautiful woman does not make you look like a better person. In fact, many people might mark you down for placing looks above all. So now you're reaching that age when other things are becoming important -- and bravo! Because it's nice to wake up to a pretty face, but it's even nicer to wake up next to someone you just really really like. And usually once you really begin to like that person, their looks will grow on you. You know, I once rescued the homliest old dog. By two months after I had her, I realize I thought she was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen, and I still do, years after her passing. When you really deeply love someone, it redefines beauty for you. Yes, I agree - I was too concerned what others thing - this is something I need to think about and yes it is about self-steem. Thank you. Makes perfect sense. Work on that. Why do you need a beautiful partner to feel good enough? Would you deny yourself a great relationship with great sex because you need the ego boost of a beauty (even one you like less)? Yes, very true - will think about it - thank you for your words. 1
BlueIris Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Well, today is day 2 and I dont think she is not beautiful anymore, we had a great day yesterday - she told me that she is very happy and she told to all her friends that she have a boyfriend now after 7 years single. She is a medical doctor (Brain Cyrurgion), and have worked hard on last years - no much time for fun. What do you do for a living? If she's a surgeon, does that compensate, in terms of the social standing, for her looks in your mind?
Arieswoman Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 MarceloSantos, If she is a brain surgeon maybe she can do something with your brain, like take it out re-programme it with a little respect and re-position it? To come on an open site like this and tell all and sundry that your girlfriend is ugly is disrespectful and insulting to her. If you are so embarrassed by her why date her at all? I will repeat this in Spanish in case you don't have the message. Señor, usted es una persona de mente pequeña , poco profunda que no merece una novia inteligente inteligente. Es una lástima que su girlfrind no puede reprogramar su cerebro.
Brigit_1 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I don't think this can work, as you are basically ashamed of her. NO woman wants to think that her bf is ashamed of her, and no doubt this shame will come out in arguments that you have down the line, and that will hurt her to her core. I agree. I suppose some women don't care about how they look so much. (Lucky them.) But I don't know if this girl is one of them. If this girl isn't a massively spiritual being who has transcended the ego then I wouldn't date her. You'll make her sad.
contel3 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I re-read what you wrote. Basically you said she is attractive to you, but just not a classic beauty is that right? I'm actually surprised you never experienced that before. It's perfectly normal to see a few flaws in your partner before you fall in love. Once you do, it will be just those flaws who will make you feel attracted to them. Attraction is not only about beauty. Sometimes you do realise your partner may not be miss - universe for the rest of the world. As long as she is for you there is no problem with that. 1
BlueIris Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I agree. I suppose some women don't care about how they look so much. (Lucky them.) But I don't know if this girl is one of them. If this girl isn't a massively spiritual being who has transcended the ego then I wouldn't date her. You'll make her sad. Good point. I wonder how sad she would be though. Since she's clearly intelligent and accomplished, she probably knows that she isn’t the prettiest girl on the block and doesn’t rest her self-esteem on her appearance. She’s in a elite class, even if it isn’t the elite class in terms of looks.
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