contel3 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 A few months ago my ex broke up with me- which in retrospect really was a blessing! I didn't notice it at the time, but he really wasn't treating me very well. He could be very affectionate but at the same time pretty mean. He would tell me I'm beautiful, but not his type and make racist remarks about my ethnicity. He never understood why I got upset about that. He would ignore me in front of his friends and cut me off in the middle of a sentence if I talked to them. Now that part is actually not so bad. The hard part was his controlling/jealous behaviour. he would ask me the whole time if I met someone else or cheated on him (funny thing is: in the end HE left for someone else). I had to keep him updated on everything I was doing. If I didn't he would get really angry. Ask me if I didn't love him anymore. Every time I did something he was not happy with he was asking me this: "don't you love me anymore?" Did a really big drama... And then I got nervous and tried to prove I still loved him by any means possible. By the end of the relationship I had no social life. Had given up on exercice and all my hobbies because he wasn't ok with them. It was him and work. I felt bad the whole time and had anger issues. I felt pretty much like someone had erased my personality. I was a shadow of myself. He admitted himself he was trying to "own me" in the sense that I would do everything he wanted and have no drive of my own. Like a pet I guess. Always there, always ok with everthing. So he could feel relaxed and secure that I would never leave for someone else. Apparently he does this systematically every time he's in a relationship. Now I have started dating again. Every time I meet someone I am amazed how they are so nice and better than my ex. But as soon as someone tries seeing me more (like more than once every two weeks!!) I panic and bail because I feel suffocated. Somehow I do want to date, but at the same time I just want to do whatever I want....without anyone to bother me and stop me from breathing. How do I get over this?
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Now I have started dating again. Every time I meet someone I am amazed how they are so nice and better than my ex. But as soon as someone tries seeing me more (like more than once every two weeks!!) I panic and bail because I feel suffocated. Somehow I do want to date, but at the same time I just want to do whatever I want....without anyone to bother me and stop me from breathing. How do I get over this? You don't get over it, your head is telling you you are not ready to date so listen to it !! Who said you must be dating and you must be in a relationship? Just date around for fun and advice anyone you come across you're not ready for a relationship.
Toodaloo Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I have struggled a bit like yourself. What I will say is this. 1. If you feel uncomfortable for any reason - walk away. 2. If you feel stressed dating and meeting new people - take a break and do some fun things for yourself. Just deactivate your On Line accounts etc and take a break That is how I have kept myself sane. I set those two rules and stuck to them rigidly. When I didn't it didn't work out well. I soon realised that if it was going to work for me I would have to take things slowly and just take my time getting to know people. I realised that I couldn't allow past hurts to scare me and that it was my problem to deal with not theirs. So its little by little. So just take it easy and if you only want to see them every couple of weeks there is nothing wrong with that. Just let them know that and talk to them. Be honest and open about needing time to yourself. Remember its only been a couple of months out of what I assume was a long term relationship? Give yourself time. There is no rush and its not a competition. Good luck. There are some really fantastic guys out there.
xcupid Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 You're not ready to be in a relationship yet. You need time to yourself and to heal. You can, however, date but not be in a relationship until you're ready to get into something serious again. You'll know when you're ready for a serious relationship again because you won't feel panicky and smothered. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I had similar problems when dating following a really horrendous breakup. Eventually I realised that the guys who made me feel panicky and smothered just weren't right for me so I was pushing them away quickly. But eventually I found a guy who I liked enough to keep trying and seeing him. After being left out of the blue by my ex, I would go through spates in this new relationship of being fine for a while and then panicking and getting really upset with myself, the thoughts I was having were 'why the hell am I making happy memories with him when they're only gonna hurt so much to remember when we are over?'. It was so hard to shake the panic of feeling like he was gonna dump me out of the blue. But I stuck it out and he was so patient and understanding, which over time made me feel more and more secure. We've been together 18 months and live together for the past year. We have a joke that I kept putting walls up and he just kept smashing them down and loving me anyway. I have to say that these horrible feelings barely ever affected him, I didn't push him away to see if he would leave or act clingy because I was scared or anything like that, it was just a turmoil I went through inside. Even now I think more along the lines of 'most relationships end so always be prepared to take care of yourself' despite being 100% committed to him. I guess in your first serious relationship, most people have a feeling like it'll last forever so don't have as many doubts. But once you've had your heart broken, you'll never quite be 'all in' emotionally again. But that's okay as long as you don't suffer from feeling that way. It's a more sensible approach. Maybe I'm a realist, my boyfriend is an optimistic and tells me all the time he wants to be with me for decades, I love hearing that and feel the same but also realistically can only take them as words, they're a signal of intention but no guarantee as to what will actually happen. I guess I feel now like I'd be okay on my own if I have to be but I still have the odd bad dream where he's dumping me randomly and I'm in shock. The breakup was three years ago and I'm so over my ex but I guess the fear of abandonment crops up now and then. But I can handle it. In a nutshell, don't feel you gotta date until you're ready OP. But when the right match comes along, he will help you to feel secure. And if it's really bad and affecting your life, don't be afraid to get some therapy.
Recommended Posts