lucy_in_disguise Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) Someone asked my boyfriend if we were living toegther the other day, and his response was, "thank god, no!" Im not sure whether, given the context of the conversation, a follow-up discussion was in order, but his response made me wonder if there is something about me that makes me an unattractive option for settling down. I am 30 years old and have never had a man interested in living with me - much less marriage. As I watch my peers settle down I cant help but wonder why the process has been so elusive for me. My relationship history is as follows: Ages 18-21: traumatic relatiomship with college boyfriend Age 23: 6 month relationship with someone who did not realize that i was interested in getting married age 24: 6 month relaionship wih someone else who thought likewise Ages 24-28: 4 year relationship with someone who was never "ready" to move in with me and eventually dumped me ages 29-30: in a relationship with current guy who is 5 years younger. I am very happy but realize theres a good chance this one is headed nowhere too given the comment above and fact that its been almoat a year and we havent even said ILY So my question is: what am i doing wrong that is leading me down these paths to nowhere? Is it the guys i pick? Most of them met and married women soon after breaking up with me, so im not sure that can be the sole factor. Is it something about my personality? I will admit, i am not the most feminine/ nurturing person. The feedback i do get is usually positive, though. I am told that im smart, cool, fun, and pretty. Is it a communication problem? Admittedly, i have a hard time negotiating. In relationships, i dont like to pressure people into doing what they dont want and tend to go with the flow. For example, I am interested in getting married and having kids, but I havr no idea how to communicate this appropriately. I have never met anyone who seemed to be ready for those conversations in more than a theoretical fashion, so my approach has been to give them some time to get there. The unintended consequence of letting things develop organically is that it can take years to figure out that the relationship will never go anywhere. (For example, as soon as my last ex became ready for marriage, he dumped me cause he couldnt see it with me.) What am i doing wrong? Edited July 21, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise 1
oldshirt Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Is it something about my personality? I will admit, i am not the most feminine nurturing person. The feedback i do get is usually positive, though. I am told that im smart, cool, fun, and pretty lt Generally speaking heterosexual men are not nuturing and feminine. If their goal is to have a home and children, they will instinctively seek someone who is nuturing and feminine to counteract their masculine traits to provide care and nurturing for the children as most men will not want to be the primary caregiver. Traits like cool, smart, funny make someone a good Sat night date but not necessarily a good mother to their children.
OldRover Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Someone asked my boyfriend if we were living toegther the other day, and his response was, "thank god, no!" Im not sure whether, given the context of the conversation, a follow-up discussion was in order, but his response made me wonder if there is something about me that makes me an unattractive option for settling down. I am 30 years old and have never had a man interested in living with me - much less marriage. As I watch my peers settle down I cant help but wonder why the process has been so elusive for me. My relationship history is as follows: Ages 18-21: traumatic relatiomship with college boyfriend Age 23: 6 month relationship with someone who did not realize that i was interested in getting married age 24: 6 month relaionship wih someone else who thought likewise Ages 24-28: 4 year relationship with someone who was never "ready" to move in with me and eventually dumped me ages 29-30: in a relationship with current guy who is 5 years younger. I am very happy but realize theres a good chance this one is headed nowhere too given the comment above and fact that its been almoat a year and we havent even said ILY So my question is: what am i doing wrong that is leading me down these paths to nowhere? Is it the guys i pick? Most of them met and married women soon after breaking up with me, so im not sure that can be the sole factor. Is it something about my personality? I will admit, i am not the most feminine/ nurturing person. The feedback i do get is usually positive, though. I am told that im smart, cool, fun, and pretty. Is it a communication problem? Admittedly, i have a hard time negotiating. In relationships, i dont like to pressure people into doing what they dont want and tend to go with the flow. For example, I am interested in getting married and having kids, but I havr no idea how to communicate this appropriately. I have never met anyone who seemed to be ready for those conversations in more than a theoretical fashion, so my approach has been to give them some time to get there. The unintended consequence of letting things develop organically is that it can take years to figure out that the relationship will never go anywhere. (For example, as soon as my last ex became ready for marriage, he dumped me cause he couldnt see it with me.) What am i doing wrong? Lucy, Boy, that would be a hard one to figure out without knowing you better. There's tons of good info out there that tells people (men and women) how to attract and be successful with the opposite sex. Also, confide in you BEST friends, and ask for their honest advise. Who knows, maybe you're just attracted to the wrong kind of guy... and you can control that.
RoseVille Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 You're assuming his comment was about you, when it was likely about him, that he's not ready for that with anyone. Maybe he's the one who's not marriage material.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Generally speaking heterosexual men are not nuturing and feminine. If their goal is to have a home and children, they will instinctively seek someone who is nuturing and feminine to counteract their masculine traits to provide care and nurturing for the children as most men will not want to be the primary caregiver. Traits like cool, smart, funny make someone a good Sat night date but not necessarily a good mother to their children. This makes sense and I suspect is at least part of the issue. Im not sure if my unfeminine characteristics are inherent to my personality, or a consequence of the way i was raised. I am thankful that my parents taught me the skills needed to be independent and successful but the qualities I was taught to value most dont necessarily translate to being a good girlfriend/ wife/ mother. It is something i am consciously working on- being more thoughtful, sweet, considerate, and supportive - because i do understand why these characteristics are important. But these are not qualities i rank highly on or considered valuable before. My current boyfriend claims he wants to be a stay at home dad. I never thought to consider this type of setup for myself but him it actually seems practical and appealing.
SpokenFor Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 My current boyfriend claims he wants to be a stay at home dad. I never thought to consider this type of setup for myself but him it actually seems practical and appealing. In that case, since you seem to be leading towards his being not ready and/or not right, there is very little downside in telling him your thoughts -- that you'd like to start a marriage and children in the next few years. I am a little unclear, though: did you mean that the thought of him as YOUR stay-at-home husband was practical and appealing, or just that he thought it would be practical and appealing for him with someone someday? Oh, and discount at least 50% of any words about long-term relationships spoken in public in front of male friends... especially if he sees you as just wanting to be FWB...
oldshirt Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Responses in bold below I am thankful that my parents taught me the skills needed to be independent and successful but the qualities I was taught to value most dont necessarily translate to being a good girlfriend/ wife/ mother. so you are saying a good girlfriend/wife/mother should be dependent and unsuccessful????? It is something i am consciously working on- being more thoughtful, sweet, considerate, and supportive - because i do understand why these characteristics are important. But these are not qualities i rank highly on or considered valuable before. if I were dating someone, I would have concerns if they had to consciously work on being thoughtful, supportive etc. I'd especially be concerned if they did not value those qualities or think they were important. If you were a man (well anyone really) that was looking for a life-partner and apparent of their children, would your first choice be someone consciously working on being thoughtful and supportive and nuturing? Or someone that just was that way innately? I'm not saying to stop trying, I'm just saying if you are going through this much of a challenge now at this stage in your life, it kind of explains why you haven't made any trips down the aisle yet. Now I'm not implying you are a bad person or a bad GF or anything of the sort. I am saying that marriage and home and family, has probably not been on your radar as much as you think it has. You may 'want' to get married just like I kinda want to kayak down the Mississippi a little bit. You may want to but it's not really a passion or something that is a burning part of your soul like it is for many women. My current boyfriend claims he wants to be a stay at home dad. I never thought to consider this type of setup for myself but him it actually seems practical and appealing. [/i][/b]When put into practice, very few marriages with intentional stay at home dad's work out for very long. It is a very rare woman that can respect and desire a man that spends his days changing diapers, watching Barney and making day trips to the petting zoo. They may appreciate the convenience and the ability to continue their careers, but almost every one of them is screwing some guy at work or they simply lose all desire for their H and live basically sexless lives. [/i][/b]
oldshirt Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 In my own personal experience, every woman I dated in my 20s sounded exactly like you. They were very career driven, very educationally oriented, very independent, very self motivating etc etc. They were all attractive, sexy, smart, good humor etc etc but the trait they all possessed that you also seem to have is an attitude that marriage and family and children etc are for, lack of a better word, "lesser" women. They all kind of had an attitude that women who were home and family and child oriented were beneath them and that any woman could crap out a kid and change its diaper and take it to the zoo. Their attitude was that it was a special kind of woman that could go to school and get a career. They also put down men that wanted home-oriented women and that any "real man" would put in his 60 hour week at the firm and then want to take his hard-charging career wife out for dancing and partying with the executive board at the end of the day. There was an underlying contempt for people who were family oriented. But here is the irony, every last one of them at some point over the course of time would say that "some day" they wanted to get married and have a kid. That "some day" being some obscure, conceptual point on a calendar like an appointment with a client. I was perfectly fine and happy dating these women in my 20s and I cheered them on with how much I admired their drive and motivation and how appreciative I was that they weren't pressuring me into marriage and I appreciated how obsessive and anal they were about birth control. .......then something switched inside of me when I turned 30. I couldn't put my finger on it but something about them was turning me off and pushing me away. Their near contempt of anything domestic was turning me off and even making me feel rejected in a weird sort of way. Their adamancy of not wanting marriage and family was making feel like they were rejecting ME in a very primal kind of way. And believe me, it's not like I was any kind of Little Miss Suzy Homemaker or like I was he'll bent on marriage and kids in any way. I was not child-oriented AT All. Then I met my wife....... She was completely unlike all the rest. There was something about her that just dripped maternal instincts out her pores. Now she was very smart and independent and ambitious etc like the rest. But she also was comfortable in her own skin with her own deep desire to have a home and family. That had an effect on me and i wanted to provide her with that home and family. I don't knowing that will make any sense or not. It was kind of the classic case, I had dated these other women for several years apiece with zero discussion of marriage and in 6 months of breaking up and dating my wife, we were engaged. Of the other women I dated, two never married. One is now engaged to her stb second husband but no kids. And one married and had a couple grown kids now and seems to be ok now, but I am sure it was a very rocky road for them when the kids were little. Where I'm going with this is some people men and women, really aren't marriage material for a certain breed of other people. By that I mean some women will get snatched up in the marriage market immediately by the mainstream, while others may appeal to a different market. In my case i wanted nothing to do with a domestic-oriented woman untill I was 30 myself and then whammo! But other guys may never want a marriage minded woman. The issue you may run into is those guys will also be happy to date and have no need or want for marriage. For a man there's no need for marriage unless he wants to have children in a traditional home. And in that case he'll instinctively be drawn to a woman who is innately maternal and wants children innately who doesn't see them as something you schedule an appointment for between the board meeting and the take over conference. I wish I had some actual advice for you but I don't. All I can offer is some firsthand insight and experience on what I went through when I decided to marry. 4
oldshirt Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Oh and one other ing i forgot to mention that was an important factor - of the career women I dated, even though they all made reference that they may want to have children "some day". None of them even liked having kids around them and they were always really annoyed and kissed off if any kids were acting like kids. And The Force inside me was just screaming at me that if they did schedule their their conception and delivery in their appointment book and everything fell into place as planned, they would be completely exasperated and miserable rearing children. And I knew eventually they would fault me for it and hold me in contempt for their stress and their stretch marks and their lack of freedom etc. And I knew they would want to push me into more childrearing duties than I would ever be able to do. And considering that only one of the 4 women I had serious LTR s with even had a child, I think my Spidey Senses were on the money. 2
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) Oldshirt, thanks for your perspective, but I agree, that wasnt particularly helpful. Maybe i am reading too much into what you wrote but what i got from that was that i will not be a good wife/ mother because I dont want it badly enough and am too focused on my career. The truth is that I always wanted and expected to have a lot of kids (4) and to be a SAHM (like my mom). I love children and growing up always wished I had a big family. But, things didnt pan out that way. Instead of a husband and 4 children and a house in the country, Im a consultant at a large firm in a big city. I do not look down on women who have popped out some kids and now spend their days at the zoo- im envious and sad that that life seems impossibly out of reach. I dont know how I got here, but believe me when i say it was not based on any kind of purposeful planning. I just did what i felt like i had to do and this is how things worked out. I would prefer to be married with children and less focused on my career but if I knew how to acheive that outcome, I wouldnt be posting. When I say im not very nurturing, i did not mean in relation to children. i love children and they love me back. What I meant was that I struggle with sweetness and cheeziness in my relationships. I fall short on expressing appreciation/ affection. And I fall short on femininity in ways i cant even articulate. I have a hard time relating to women. I do have a few female friends but overall ive just always been one of the boys. Im not sure that makes me less fit to be a mother, as youre implying, though. Edited July 23, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise 1
Lois_Griffin Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 ages 29-30: in a relationship with current guy who is 5 years younger. I am very happy but realize theres a good chance this one is headed nowhere too given the comment above and fact that its been almoat a year and we havent even said ILY And there's your problem. Dating a 24 year old kid. Yeah, he's still a kid emotionally. His brain isn't even fully developed yet. You're wasting your time with this one. Seek out men older than yourself who are more mature than your current guy, and who are thinking about the long-range future. This one's a dead end. 1
Cailinsona Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 I don't agree that it's due to your lack of nurturing or your reticence in expressing affection. With the right person, who is compatible with you, this won't be a factor. I had a series of relationships similar to what you describe in my 20s. In retrospect, I was almost "afraid" to broach the subject of where things were going in case of scaring my respective suitor away. How silly that seems now! I'm older and wiser these days. You need to have these types of conversation early on. With my current boyfriend, I told him on our first date that I was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to get married eventually. Someone like minded won't be put off if they are looking for the same thing. It certainly didn't scare him away. By broaching this topic at an earlier stage in the relationship, you will be able to gauge your propective partner's future goals and aspirations. If they are not on the same page, then this will spare you the heartache of becoming emotionally invested in a relationship that is going nowhere and will prevent you wasting your precious, valuable time when you could be meeting the person who will want what you want. Whilst I am older than you, it's not an age thing necessarily. My sister married her husband when she was thirty and he was twenty five. They have been happily married now for eleven years. From the outset, my brother in law saw my sister as marriage material and made that abundantly clear to her and all her family/friends. You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend and if marriage/living together isn't on the cards for him then you need to move on since it is an important priority for you. The right person won't have you guessing where you stand, believe me! Good luck 1
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) And there's your problem. Dating a 24 year old kid. Yeah, he's still a kid emotionally. His brain isn't even fully developed yet. You're wasting your time with this one. Seek out men older than yourself who are more mature than your current guy, and who are thinking about the long-range future. This one's a dead end. Obviously, ive considered this potential issue. But, i am so happy in this relationship. It is the first time that i have dated someone without any doubts about my own feelings. To me, this departure from my usual pattern of questioning things seems like a positive change that warrants taking this risk. I would love to be married to this guy. In the past, i wanted to get married, but had a hard seeing it with the guys I was with. Maybe thats another reason im still single. Not that my exes were bad guys, but there was always something missing. I dont feel that way now. But i do fear that due to his age, he wont be ready for a long time for anything serious. Edited July 23, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 I don't agree that it's due to your lack of nurturing or your reticence in expressing affection. With the right person, who is compatible with you, this won't be a factor. I had a series of relationships similar to what you describe in my 20s. In retrospect, I was almost "afraid" to broach the subject of where things were going in case of scaring my respective suitor away. How silly that seems now! I'm older and wiser these days. You need to have these types of conversation early on. With my current boyfriend, I told him on our first date that I was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to get married eventually. Someone like minded won't be put off if they are looking for the same thing. It certainly didn't scare him away. By broaching this topic at an earlier stage in the relationship, you will be able to gauge your propective partner's future goals and aspirations. If they are not on the same page, then this will spare you the heartache of becoming emotionally invested in a relationship that is going nowhere and will prevent you wasting your precious, valuable time when you could be meeting the person who will want what you want. Whilst I am older than you, it's not an age thing necessarily. My sister married her husband when she was thirty and he was twenty five. They have been happily married now for eleven years. From the outset, my brother in law saw my sister as marriage material and made that abundantly clear to her and all her family/friends. You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend and if marriage/living together isn't on the cards for him then you need to move on since it is an important priority for you. The right person won't have you guessing where you stand, believe me! Good luck Thanks for your post. I definitely relate to being afraid to broach the subject of "where are things going"? In the past, part 9f the fear dtemmed from my own c9nfusion about my feelings. I had what i realize now wss a pretty traumatic entry into adulthood (1st relationship) and it made me question all my feelings and choices for a long time. Wih my exes, i knew i wanted to get married, but i had a hard time figuring out if i wanted that with them (especially my last, 4-yr relationship). In my current rationship, im afraid i wont get the answers i want. You are right that the right person would not be scared off but its difficult to consider the possibility of having to let go of someone who makes you so happy.
Cailinsona Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 That's exactly why you need to broach the subject of this early on You are emotionally invested now, which makes it so much more difficult to make the tough decision to move on. If your current boyfriend had told you right from the beginning that he wasn't interested in a long term committed relationship involving living together/marriage, would you have dated him? Take it from someone who has been in your shoes. Time passes really quickly. It seems to exponentially speed up as you get older! Funny thing that! Before you know it you can have spent years waiting and wondering, going from relationship to relationship that will never result in what you are looking for..a long term commitment, a family, a life built together. Please don't waste your time, which is precious, and is the time you could be having children and building a future with a like minded partner. As hard as it is, you need to have this conversation and make a decision about what you will do if you don't get the answer you are hoping for. Big hugs. We know it's hard
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Oldshirt, thanks for your perspective, but I agree, that wasnt particularly helpful. Maybe i am reading too much into what you wrote but what i got from that was that i will not be a good wife/ mother because I dont want it badly enough and am too focused on my career. The truth is that I always wanted and expected to have a lot of kids (4) and to be a SAHM (like my mom). I love children and growing up always wished I had a big family. But, things didnt pan out that way. Instead of a husband and 4 children and a house in the country, Im a consultant at a large firm in a big city. I do not look down on women who have popped out some kids and now spend their days at the zoo- im envious and sad that that life seems impossibly out of reach. I dont know how I got here, but believe me when i say it was not based on any kind of purposeful planning. I just did what i felt like i had to do and this is how things worked out. I would prefer to be married with children and less focused on my career but if I knew how to acheive that outcome, I wouldnt be posting. When I say im not very nurturing, i did not mean in relation to children. i love children and they love me back. What I meant was that I struggle with sweetness and cheeziness in my relationships. I fall short on expressing appreciation/ affection. And I fall short on femininity in ways i cant even articulate. I have a hard time relating to women. I do have a few female friends but overall ive just always been one of the boys. Im not sure that makes me less fit to be a mother, as youre implying, though. Please understand I am not implying that you would be an unfit mother in any way. In fact I am not talking about "fitness" at all. What I am trying to say is that through your mannerisms and speach patterns, you may be implying that marriage/family/motherhood is not really on your radar and that it is actually not something that is important to you or a priority. Let's assume that you will in fact be the world's greatest wife and mother. The problem is if you act and talk in manner that demonstrates the opposite, people will go by what they see and hear. No-one can truly know what's in your heart, they can only go by what they see you doing and what you say.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 That's exactly why you need to broach the subject of this early on You are emotionally invested now, which makes it so much more difficult to make the tough decision to move on. If your current boyfriend had told you right from the beginning that he wasn't interested in a long term committed relationship involving living together/marriage, would you have dated him? Honestly, that's exactly what I did in the very beginning. We started off as FWB, and in the beginning, he did not think he was ready for anything more. We still continued to hang out, and eventually (about 6 months in) he asked me to be his girlfriend. My attitude in this relationship was different than my approach in the past. I woukd never have agreed to FWB before this. What made me decide to go for it was the demise of my prior R, which I had at some point believed would lead to marriage. This relationship was so much more fun, honest, and joyful that i decided to go with the flow even if it did not appear to be prudent. Despite his hesitation it has always felt right to me to be with him.
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 And there's your problem. Dating a 24 year old kid. Yeah, he's still a kid emotionally. His brain isn't even fully developed yet. You're wasting your time with this one. Seek out men older than yourself who are more mature than your current guy, and who are thinking about the long-range future. This one's a dead end. This is clearly part of the equation as well. If you are burning your time dating playboys and young men who have no interest or intent of marriage/family, then you are basically just spinning your wheels. 1
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Please understand I am not implying that you would be an unfit mother in any way. In fact I am not talking about "fitness" at all. What I am trying to say is that through your mannerisms and speach patterns, you may be implying that marriage/family/motherhood is not really on your radar and that it is actually not something that is important to you or a priority. Let's assume that you will in fact be the world's greatest wife and mother. The problem is if you act and talk in manner that demonstrates the opposite, people will go by what they see and hear. No-one can truly know what's in your heart, they can only go by what they see you doing and what you say. Thank you for the clarification. This makes a lot of sense and i am positive is one of the issues. Most people who meet me assume i dont want kids for some reason. This has alwas surprised me because its completely untrue. Some mannerisms / traits I can think of that would lead to this perception: -dark sense of humor -swear a lot -messy and suck at cleaning -tomboyish in terms of my interests -may strike people as pretty ambitious/ "career woman" (though i would argue ive always been kind of a slacker)
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 . Wih my exes, i knew i wanted to get married, but i had a hard time figuring out if i wanted that with them (especially my last, 4-yr relationship). In my current rationship, im afraid i wont get the answers i want. You are right that the right person would not be scared off but its difficult to consider the possibility of having to let go of someone who makes you so happy. This is also a huge part of the issue. Why are you burning up 4 years of your "pretty" on people who do not have the same life-goals as you????? And why are you afraid to state your life-goals and interests? When you go into a business meeting do you just sit there patiently hoping that everyone else happens to be going where you want to go or do you state upfront what the objectives and goals of the meeting are and keep things on track to accomplish the project? And if people aren't working towards the project goals, do you keep having coffee and doughnuts and talking about other things or do you release them from the committee? Dating is in many ways like a business meeting. It is an interview and probationary process to see if that person is the right person for the job or not. If they meet your requirements and objectives they move forward. If they don't, they are released without prejudice. You've burned many years of your youth and your "pretty" on people who's goals and objectives were different than yours. You need to be more upfront and assertive with your objectives and you need to be much quicker in releasing those that you know aren't on the same path that you want.
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 When I say im not very nurturing, i did not mean in relation to children. i love children and they love me back. What I meant was that I struggle with sweetness and cheeziness in my relationships. I fall short on expressing appreciation/ affection. And I fall short on femininity in ways i cant even articulate. I have a hard time relating to women. I do have a few female friends but overall ive just always been one of the boys. Im not sure that makes me less fit to be a mother, as youre implying, though. This is an example of what I am talking about in regards to your communication patterns. When you use words like sweetness and cheeziness to describe what you think are marriage material traits, you are implying that it is something that people fake and is beneath you. You may not truly intend to mean that, but that is the message that other people get. 1
OldRover Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Lucy, Your 24 yr old kid "may" be the one. Seems like you've expressed your goals and he accepts them.... and you feel a special relationship with him. Time will tell, people mature and marry at different ages. And while young people typically have less success at marriage, a 24 year old, that's out of school working on his career, has dated for several years, may be ready.... even if it took a few more years. The downside, is that it may take more time to tell for sure, but seems like it's worth the risk. How long have you known him? Seems like you get to know someone reasonably well in a year... and quite a bit more after two years.
BetheButterfly Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 What am i doing wrong? Do you think you are choosing men who are not the best for you? I remember being heartbroken over choosing to date a man who I thought considered me "marriage material" but who really just led me on until I understood that I wasn't who he wanted to marry. That really hurt, but then I decided to heal and wait for the man God would bring me. Now, I'm so glad that the other man did not consider me "marriage material" because I see why he was not the best for me and I was not the best for him! So hopefully someday you will look back and see why it didn't work out with anyone else... are you still dating this boyfriend who doesn't want to live with you?
Cailinsona Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 So at the beginning of this relationship, instead of being firm about you want out of life long term, you almost took a backward step and agreed to be FWB? I can understand that you may have thought this was OK after coming out of a previously traumatic relationship, but what's wrong with being single for a while and waiting until you are ready to date? Bottom line....How is this kind of decision- making going to help you to achieve a long term committed relationship? Isn't it likely to result in the complete opposite of what you are hoping for? I'm on your side, but think about it...how can you expect him to commit when you told him you were happy without any kind of commitment right from the start? He's living up to his side of the bargain and to him it would probably appear as if you wish to shift the goalposts. You need to tell him how you feel now, as he may be perfectly happy with the status quo. After all that is what you agreed from the outset, isn't it? As others have also said, you could be wasting valuable dating time which may prevent you from meeting someone special who will want to commit to you wholeheartedly
oldshirt Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 So at the beginning of this relationship, instead of being firm about you want out of life long term, you almost took a backward step and agreed to be FWB? I can understand that you may have thought this was OK after coming out of a previously traumatic relationship, but what's wrong with being single for a while and waiting until you are ready to date? Bottom line....How is this kind of decision- making going to help you to achieve a long term committed relationship? Isn't it likely to result in the complete opposite of what you are hoping for? I'm on your side, but think about it...how can you expect him to commit when you told him you were happy without any kind of commitment right from the start? He's living up to his side of the bargain and to him it would probably appear as if you wish to shift the goalposts. You need to tell him how you feel now, as he may be perfectly happy with the status quo. After all that is what you agreed from the outset, isn't it? As others have also said, you could be wasting valuable dating time which may prevent you from meeting someone special who will want to commit to you wholeheartedly This is a good point as well ^^^ Someone in my youth was giving me a 'how-to-be-successful-in-life' lecture and told me something that I think applies to this situation. And that is everything you do either takes one step towards your goal, or one step away from it. expressing your goals and objectives = 1 step forward. dating men who are mature and marriage/family oriented = one step forward. dating men who are playa's, playboys, creepers, nonmarriage material themselves = one step backwards. any kind of FWB activities = one step backwards. talking about marriage, childrearing etc in any kind of disparaging manner = one step backwards. You see the process here but basically everything is either going to be one step forward or one step back. 1
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