imtrying211 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Here I am again, still hurting, still crying. I feel like I'm slipping backwards into the initial pain of the breakup. I think about my ex constantly, and I mean constantly! Sometimes it's about how much he hurt me, that he may have never loved me, then sometimes it's how much I love him and want him to come back home. I struggle a lot with the thought of him being back with his GF before me, and how he chose that awful person over me. I can't help but think, why wasn't I good enough, why does he love her and not me when I treated him a million times better than she ever did in the past. I know I shouldn't focus on that, but how can I not? Yes, my head tells me that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him and his insecurities, but my heart can't get on the same page. I go back and forth with the thought of writing him a letter, though I'm sure everyone will tell me not to. On one hand I want to tell him the pain he's caused, then on the other hand I want to tell him how much I love him and miss him. I can't even get my head straight on what type of letter to write! I'm sure the fact we still talk at work sometimes has a lot to do with how I'm feeling, which is another reason I want to write to him, to tell him I can't pretend I'm OK with being friends. I'm so torn on what to do. Do I throw up one last hail mary attempt to see if there's still a chance for us? Do I just tell him how I feel, or just "disappear" and let him figure it out? I almost feel like saying nothing will keep this obsession to say something in my head. I think I'd regret not saying anything more than I'd regret writing to him, but I can't decide what is the best way to move forward instead of continuing to slip backwards.
aboucher21 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I am sorry to hear this. I am on the other end as I am the dumper and still constantly think about her. My ex moved on fast because she has crazy defense mechanisms and I feel helpless. I wanted to work on things but she has already said it is not possible as I hurt her too much. So I am stuck as well. I cant let go. I have currently not talked to her in 3 weeks and I hate not being able to do anything. In regards to your 'hail mary" attempt. If you can handle being rejected and it wont set you back then I would. I tried one and it gave me a little closure initially but I still second guess everything and overanalyze.
BriNyc82 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Imtrying I know you want him to know the pain He caused you bc he should feel the pain that you are feeling. I sent my ex an email once the dust has settled letting him know the pain he caused me blah blah and it only made him more angry. He didn't want to hear about how much pain I was in. He didn't want me making him feel bad. He became highly agitated and nasty after he letter. I would advise against it. I'm sure he does know he hurt you.... 2
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) Sorry to hear that you're hurting so. Considering that he's back with his ex, I think it would be better for you stick to strict NC, and focus on your healing. The idea of you two being friends is ridiculous. How could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you so much? Your best option is to go strict NC and get some counselling, if you haven't yet done so. Re NC: No contact is about two things, and two things only: 1. It protects you from further hurt. 2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex. Thats all it is, and all it does. ** *No direct contact in either direction. *No sending or receiving of messages. *No replies if anything gets through to you. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. Edited July 21, 2015 by Satu 3
LeslieKnope Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Hi imtrying211, I know this is hard to imagine, but your ex probably DOES know how much he hurt you. I'm in a similar situation to yourself, minus my ex returning to his previous girlfriend before me (she's already long moved on without him). He still wasn't over his previous ex and wasn't ready for a relationship. It took me a long time to process that the relationship ending had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and his unresolved feelings. And I'm still reeling! Look at it this way: as you have an obsession with your ex, he has one about his previous one. He was never going to pursue you or anyone else properly until he saw it through. It is an inherently selfish thing to do - starting a relationship you're not ready for - but not usually an intentional one. Sending a letter is not necessarily going to get you the closure you need because the success of it is entirely based on what response you get. If you're like me, anything other than 'I love you, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, let's get back together' won't do. Even if you're at the point where 'let's get back together' doesn't matter, you're still not likely to get the closure you seek. So perhaps write the letter and then delete it. Or write it and send it to a close friend who knows your situation well. I really do feel your pain. Even in my most common sense moments, I still feel a sense a rejection and miss him terribly because of the connection we had/have. But you will get through this. 2
Ariess10 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Make yourself a Ghost , a memory you'll thank yourself later 1
GoBlue Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I went back and read your original post in order to get a feel for what has happened. I also wanted to know if this was a husband or a boyfriend. I want to say first and foremost how sorry I am for your pain. Were the two of you living together? The awful truth is that every romantic relationship that exists does so by the free-will of the two that are involved. You can't make someone love you and you cannot make them be committed to you. The best way to let go of this heartache is to keep telling yourself that He Chose to Walk Away. As an act of his will, he has turned away from you and attached himself to someone else. He isn't worth the heartache and pain that you feel. Even if he changed his mind and came back to you, would you REALLY want him back? Your heart is engaged, I understand that, but humans are distinct from animals because we have the capacity to use our brains and choose what we dwell on and think about within. Your emotions will change when you come to your senses and determine that he isn't worth your time or energy. Have you tried simply not engaging him at work? It doesn't sound like your jobs are intertwined but that you merely work in the same building. If you do not have to engage with him as a part of your job why do it? Self-healing is your task now. You have mourned the loss, it's time to admit to yourself that this relationship wasn't all that you thought it was. It's time to move forward knowing and believing that good days lie ahead. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Rejoice in it and be glad. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed.
Author imtrying211 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 I went back and read your original post in order to get a feel for what has happened. I also wanted to know if this was a husband or a boyfriend. I want to say first and foremost how sorry I am for your pain. Were the two of you living together? The awful truth is that every romantic relationship that exists does so by the free-will of the two that are involved. You can't make someone love you and you cannot make them be committed to you. The best way to let go of this heartache is to keep telling yourself that He Chose to Walk Away. As an act of his will, he has turned away from you and attached himself to someone else. He isn't worth the heartache and pain that you feel. Even if he changed his mind and came back to you, would you REALLY want him back? Your heart is engaged, I understand that, but humans are distinct from animals because we have the capacity to use our brains and choose what we dwell on and think about within. Your emotions will change when you come to your senses and determine that he isn't worth your time or energy. Have you tried simply not engaging him at work? It doesn't sound like your jobs are intertwined but that you merely work in the same building. If you do not have to engage with him as a part of your job why do it? Self-healing is your task now. You have mourned the loss, it's time to admit to yourself that this relationship wasn't all that you thought it was. It's time to move forward knowing and believing that good days lie ahead. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Rejoice in it and be glad. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed. My ex and I did live together, spent practically every moment together for a little over a year. The only time we were really apart is when we were actually doing our work. It's so difficult to let all that go, every stupid little thing reminds me of him in some way. When we first got together our jobs did intertwine, but luckily they don't anymore. We'll run into each other outside or in the halls, and we'll chat like everything is fine, which is pretty much my own fault. After about a month of NC I decided to clear the air with him so that we could at least be civil towards each other in passing, but agreed we couldn't be friends. One of the reasons was because his GF wasn't comfortable with it, as I wasn't when she tried to "re-friend" him. The majority of our convos are initiated by him, though I'll admit I purposefully would try to see him in hopes he would talk to me. Why do I do this, I have no idea! That's the problem! I just can't let go no matter how much I know I have to. I was good today though, brought him a piece of mail that had showed up, and didn't stick around to chat. We also ended up leaving work at the same time, and instead of walking out with him, I just picked up my pace a bit to avoid any kind of interaction. I've had good moments like this before, but am bad at sticking to it. My thoughts/feelings change so often it actual angers me. One minute I don't want him back, and the next I do. One minute I'm thinking about all of the hurt, and the next I'm thinking about all the happiness I felt while with him. But it could've all been a lie, him loving me could've been a lie. So why would I even want to put myself in the position to go through this all again? That's what baffles me, that I would give him another chance if he called me right now. Maybe I'm too trusting, too forgiving, or maybe just completely stupid and naive. I know what I have to do, avoid him, let him go, move on. So much easier said than done......
GoBlue Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Listen, don't be so hard on yourself. You are not "stupid" or "naive" you were just very much attached to him. You basically were living as husband and wife but without any of the legal commitment. So, you have basically gone through a divorce. It's extremely painful and not easily or quickly gotten over. One thing I would caution you on, however, is telling yourself that "you can't get over him." You can and you will. You just take it one day at a time. Do you have a close friend or a Pastor or a counselor that can help you with this? An accountability partner can help immensely when you face those weak moments. They can also be very helpful when you feel so self-condemning because you feel weak. Hey, feeling weak and giving in are two different things. I would caution you on ever moving in with someone again in the future though. Marriage commitment works best when there is actually a marriage. Be encouraged!
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