2ndgenrationOW Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 I am trying to figure out why he stays he says he does not love her and no longer even thinks that it is best for the child for him to stay. He also now is open to friends and as long as there is no one who knows her around he is open with being public with us we hold hands and even kiss when people we dont know are around. can anyone give me a reason why all this might be?
Debster Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 I am trying to figure out why he stays he says he does not love her and no longer even thinks that it is best for the child for him to stay. He also now is open to friends and as long as there is no one who knows her around he is open with being public with us we hold hands and even kiss when people we dont know are around. can anyone give me a reason why all this might be? Why try and figure it out? Instead, why don't you try to figure out why you would settle for someone who is living with someone else, chances are he is still sleeping with her and even if they aren't she gets to wake up to him each morning. Why would you want to be with someone who is willing to hold your hand and kiss you ONLY if people you don't know are around. Don't you think you deserve someone who will openly kiss and hold you. Someone who at the end of the day isn't going home to someone else? Judging by your username, I'm assuming your mother was an OW as well. Could it be that you have never experienced or seen what it is like to have a full, open, loving, trusting relationship? If so, I wish that it would happen for you.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 If so, I wish that it would happen for you. I agree...You deserve a man who will love just YOU. Adore YOU. Desire just YOU and nobody else. MM = BAD news.
Author 2ndgenrationOW Posted May 5, 2005 Author Posted May 5, 2005 My mother was the OW but my Farther left his wife and has been with my mother for last 22 years with her alone for 19 and married for 17 and would never hurt her. You cant pick who you love and if you love you will do anything for them. Who are you to judge this is a place to get how we feel out and no be judged so if you want to judge me then don't respond to.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 You cant pick who you love and if you love you will do anything for them. Hey, part of loving somebody is also knowing when to walk away and realize they are taken already. That person wasn't meant for you...Already belongs to somebody else. I'm not judging you. Be ready to hear all sorts of advice because people love to share their thoughts here on LS. Good, bad and the ugly. Take it or leave it but people will jump in whether you like it or not. At the end of the day, it's your life, and you're gonna decide what is best for you...All we do is try to help and give advice, thoughts etc...
curly Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 I already see it coming... the bashing, the OW responding back with "why are you bashing me?" Are we truly doomed to see this time and again? Are we truly that blind in love and on this forum that we only see what we want to see? 2nd Gen - come on - have you not read these posts? The OW gets bashed especially when we can't see the reality of the situation. But wait... everybody wait! We're here for a reason. Either because we're just curious or we're a BS or a (God forbid!!) an OW. (BTW - I'm an xOW - 3 weeks and counting, yes very slowly counting). None of us are perfect. Some of us (not me yet) have come out of the cloud of that storm and seen the errors / mistakes we made. Realized how much the A cost us. And obviously, everyone here is a feeling person, and we don't want anyone to walk in our footsteps. We know how painful and costly this path is. However, you can not stop someone from doing this. Could you stop yourself from becoming the OW? I saw it almost immediately and was still drawn like a moth to flame. It just takes on a life of it's own. I knew I couldn't do it but the MM convinced me that I was "the one." I believed simply because I wanted to. OK, that being said... (hopefully to keep the flames at bay) 2nd Gen - read a post from "Mysugaree", I believe formerly known as immoralist (sorry but the pic gives you away ) on a thread about what makes MM do what they do or something about does he still care. I'm not sure just search around, it's recent. (sorry not techno savvy enough to link it) It really gives some insight into why men go back. Also, I've never been one to read self-help books but my situ has driven me to things I never thought I would do. I just started reading "Breaking an addiction to a person." It's a real eye-opener. I've had the same situ with many other bf's that I had with MM. The real kicker is that MM was COMPLETELY emotionally open to me, while not being physically available. Hmmm... something to think about.... Try reading the book. The MM has soooo many reasons for being unfaithful, for having a relationship with OW while still holding on to the security of home and W, making every excuse why he can't leave just right now, etc. And maybe he can't. But he never will. A man or woman who knows what they want, will leave the relationship. And even if they are not strong enough to leave... as soon as something good comes along that makes them see that "Wow, there is something else out there, and that person wants me" will leave. When he doesn't, it just means that he will not ever leave. And trying to figure out why is fruitless. He doesn't know why. He couldn't possibly explain it to you. He just knows that the best / easiest / right thing to do is to stay married. Society, finance, family (not just the kids...) make him want to stay in that role. The cliche is true - "the devil you know versus the devil you don't." What you need to do is look inside. Determine what you want, and then have the courage and willpower to fight for it. Be it the MM (which, not bashing..., is usually a dead end road) or a new life in which you find yourself confident and capable. That will attract very good men. Hmmmm.... I think I might be writing to myself at this point. Interesting.....
RecordProducer Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 There are many possible reasons because of which he stays: 1. He is comfortable with having a family plus a mistress. 2. He doesn't want to lose most of what he has worked for so far (financially). 3. He doesn't want to live without his child and be judge by him/her some day. 4. He is conservative and doesn't want to divorce. 5. He loves his wife (and is lying to you that he doesn't; hey I wouldn't tell my BF that I love my hubby!) 6. He is not sure he loves you enough to leave his family.
phillygirl63 Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer There are many possible reasons because of which he stays: 1. He is comfortable with having a family plus a mistress. 2. He doesn't want to lose most of what he has worked for so far (financially). 3. He doesn't want to live without his child and be judge by him/her some day. 4. He is conservative and doesn't want to divorce. 5. He loves his wife (and is lying to you that he doesn't; hey I wouldn't tell my BF that I love my hubby!) 6. He is not sure he loves you enough to leave his family. RP, I must say I really enjoy reading your posts. You are dead on 99.9% of the time. But didn't I just read a post earlier by you in the infidelity forum that said that a man does not love his wife if he cheats? Are you softening?
BoatingBabe Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 My ex always went back to his wife because of GUILT. I think the love was gone, but leaving her behind with two young children was too much guilt for him. I dumped him because even I felt guilt taking him away from those kids, especially after I met one of them....it made it easier to walk away from the man that I loved. I know in time I would survive fine without him..but I know those kids not having a father was much worse.
Author 2ndgenrationOW Posted May 8, 2005 Author Posted May 8, 2005 Well me and my MM ended it on Thursday when his wife came back from LA after being gone for a week and a half and saying she was never comeing home. And now she is pregnet she clames to be almost 6 weeks along but he does not remember sleeping with her around that time he had thoughts that shewas maybe cheating on him but none conformed and the guy he thouhgt she was cheating with and her got in to a fight about a month ago and he is tyring to be her friend but she will not talk to him so maybe it is his we are waiting for the 12 week point cause then he can get a purtinty test to know for sure. The other problom is that i dont know if i want to be his friend it is hard for me but he still wants to be friends he says that i am his best friend and the only one he can count on i dont know what to do if i should stay friends or not the other problom is we work together so we see each other anyways so what do i do about it
kkat Posted May 8, 2005 Posted May 8, 2005 If the baby is his, he is about to be a father to a child, with his wife, who he is having sex with. If the baby is not his, someone else is about to be a father to a child, with his wife, who they are both having sex with. Like all of these men we've gotten involved with, we manage to focus on the minutia sometimes and forget.... he's MARRIED to someone else, someone he chooses to stay with, for whatever reasons, and someone he's having sex with. And now, he's worried about who she might or might not be having sex with. What do you get out of being his friend? I know for me, I have spent the last 8 months of my life being "friends" with a MM I was no longer even having sex with. I got some things out of it, some nice gifts, a few favors, and oh, additionally, did I fail to mention, lost another stinking EIGHT MONTHS of my life listening to him on the phone, being his "best friend", crying at night while I held on to the waning shreds of my fantasy that we would be together. My advice is run, run, run, away from this guy and his drama. He has had plenty of time to end his marriage and make you his priority. He never has and shows no intention of doing so. Don't end up being his shoulder to lean on while he cries about his wife possibly cheating on him.
Author 2ndgenrationOW Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 I know that he is married to her and i know they have one child together and now a possible second on the way but at the sametime she found out she was with child there was a chance that i also was when i told that there was a chance and that i was being tested he got sort of happy which to me was strange because the child he maybe having with her he does not want. when i found i was not and told him he seemed more upset that i was not then at that fact that i might have been when i asked him abou this he told me that me having his child could have been his way out he could have left with no remorse and we could have out family. the thing about us together that is so hard is he is 21 and so am i he did not want to marry his wife he thought he had to do to the fact that they meet when he was 18 one month out if high school she was 17 and in high school 4 months after they meet adn strated dating she became pregnet with his child he turned 19 the next month when she turned 18 3 months later they got married after only knowing one anether for 9 months and had there child one year after they meet. He did what he thought was right but now knows it was not all they do is fight and it is hurting there child she will be 2 in july and is under weight and not social and pulls her own hair out and she is 2 diffrent people depending on who is around i have spent time with her and she can be so sweet and caring but when around both her parents she will go to someone that she does not know in order to just get away. i know this is not normal for a child and he knows that he is doing daming to his child and does not want ot do that to anether baby but does not know what to tell his wife aside from he does not want and her response was that she does not beleve in abortion so they have to have it how is it only her choice. we also think she is having this child to fix her relaniship which a week before she found out she was pregnet she was ready to walk away from. how is this fair to a child and what can anyone do about this. I know that this is not the right foram for this but i need help someone help me.
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