Life after betrayal

[netty12]

Hi Everyone!

 

I am new here and just thought this would be a caring community of folks that can relate to similar issues like my own.

 

Tomorrow (7/22) would have been my wedding anniversary of 13 years. Unfortunately through "culture clashing" we ended up fighting a lot until my ex decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was a very closed up person and did not want to talk to me about our issues in which I "created" my own ideas as to what issues I thought we had. I was an open book! I told him ALL my feelings and ways we can try to fix it and he just wasn't having it.

 

We "unofficially" separate after he declared to me he wasn't in love. This was December 2007. Granted, everything stayed the same; he still lived with me, slept in the same bed and acted like we were still a couple. I tried different ideas and ways to keep us together.

 

I worked nights and we have a daughter who was about 4-5 years old at this time. I would cry at work every night trying to figure out how to fix my marriage. In the meantime, my ex would tell me that he started going over to a friend's house for dinner (the wife would make food so both my ex and my daughter ate at their house). Long story short, I find out through my daughter months later that it's not a friend which I thought was the husband of this wife that made them dinner, it was only the wife who was at the house! To my surprise I confronted my ex and he admitted to this but claims she was ONLY a friend. She, too was separated from her husband and they were using each other's situation to talk through their problems. Talk about a slap in the face! Here I am pleading with you to talk to me so WE can fix our relationship and you're ok going off to talk to someone else about OUR problems. He would swear up and down that she was only a friend and there was no sexual interest with her whatsoever, in fact, she was still married and was contemplating working things out with her husband.

 

Due to this discovery, I kicked my ex out of the house. Shortly after that our house was in foreclosure and I ended up leaving the house as well. During this time I stop sleeping with my ex, no sex! We were really separated! I was praying and hoping he would come back to me. I ended up finding out that he stopped seeing her since she ended up moving about 2-3 hours away.

 

He started to seducing me and I thought maybe he was having a change of heart - I was stupidly in love with him and up to this point, he has been the only man I ever loved or have ever been with! I met him when I was 17 years old and married him right after I graduated highschool. I really wanted him to be my forever and thought I could do whatever to make it work.

 

We stayed separated but with benefits. He was confused and I waited for him, didn't pay attention to any other man or even made an attempt to find another man. But with time going on, he never made a decision on us and by 2010 I basically told him that this relationship has to move forward or we divorce. He really didn't want the divorce but since he claims he still wasn't "in love with me" he thought it would be best to go through the divorce.

 

We went to the courthouse together to file the paper work and walked out of there while I was crying and he holding my hand. We continued everything in life like we were still a couple, almost starting over. We continued seeing each other and sleeping together because now that we were divorce, I thought that if I stopped sleeping with him, he was going to look for someone else.

 

Years of this continued until 2014, where he decides to tell me that this so-called "friend" ended up moving back and on the last day we slept together and proceeds to claim that he wants to start something with her and that we are no longer "anything". I felt like my heart was broken ALL over again because I held on with this idea that we would stay together even in this unconventional way. I would always think he'd come around back to me because throughout the years he would claim that I have been the best woman in his life, he spoke to me in ways that gave me hope for us. He would say that he loves me to death and regrets letting me go. Only now to find out that behind my back he was contacting her and establishing now a "serious" relationship - the same person who was "just a friend with no sexual attraction" now gets to sleep in the same bed with my ex-husband!

 

In the end, I feel so betrayed and lied to. I don't know how to go about any kind of relationship with him, even for the sake of our daughter. He's been living with this woman now for one year, claims to me he's not even in love with her and that he now regrets everything he's done to me. Since I have told him that I would never take him back, he seems to just stay settled with her just because he knows there's no hope with us. In the meantime, seeing them together brings back ALL the memories of his lies and how those times he would talk to her, if he would talk to me, maybe our relationship could have been different. I feel so disrespected and while he's with her, it's like spitting in my face everyday - I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. He lives in her house now, with our future we got together and my daughter ended up moving with him for the past year. The year 2014 was my worst year ever!! I felt like I lost everything and she replaced me!

 

This Summer we went to Cuba together and he introduced me to everyone as his wife. He would sing love songs to me and whipser the lyrics in my hear. He declared his feelings to me in front of his family and crying. I am beyond confused - he says he's not in love with me but his actions show so differently.

 

Today, I just want to find a good place with him. How would you ever go about it? My daughter wants us back together and I almost feel like the ball is on my court. I hate to give him the satisfaction of ever having me again just from all the lies and hell he's put me through. Plus, because of our culture clash, we wouldn't work out for too long. I guess seeing him with her is what's breaking my heart because it just takes me back to our troubled marriage. He claims he didn't start anything with her until he broke things off with me, but the reality remains that he still looked for her and developed a relationship with her while he was still getting in bed with me and giving us hope.

 

I've learned to accept that HE needs counceling and won't take it. I went to couseling and even the therapist said he needs to see someone.

 

Do you ever find hope after this kind of betrayal? I don't have an issue with trusting people in general but how can I trust him again for the sake of our daughter? How should I go about treating him - he adores me and loves me more than he loves this woman but I need him to know that he needs to do something on his part to SHOW ME that he cares for me. I hope think everything would be resolved if he left her and he knows this but nothing will ever be the same between him and I - I lost not only my husband, my first love and the father of my child, but I lost my best friend.

 

Sorry about the long post but I do appreciate you reaching the end and any advice or comments are greatly appreciated!

 

Annette

[Iron Bubba]

Put a restraining order him to him away from you.

[Honey565]

Hi Everyone!

 

I am new here and just thought this would be a caring community of folks that can relate to similar issues like my own.

 

Tomorrow (7/22) would have been my wedding anniversary of 13 years. Unfortunately through "culture clashing" we ended up fighting a lot until my ex decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was a very closed up person and did not want to talk to me about our issues in which I "created" my own ideas as to what issues I thought we had. I was an open book! I told him ALL my feelings and ways we can try to fix it and he just wasn't having it.

 

We "unofficially" separate after he declared to me he wasn't in love. This was December 2007. Granted, everything stayed the same; he still lived with me, slept in the same bed and acted like we were still a couple. I tried different ideas and ways to keep us together.

 

I worked nights and we have a daughter who was about 4-5 years old at this time. I would cry at work every night trying to figure out how to fix my marriage. In the meantime, my ex would tell me that he started going over to a friend's house for dinner (the wife would make food so both my ex and my daughter ate at their house). Long story short, I find out through my daughter months later that it's not a friend which I thought was the husband of this wife that made them dinner, it was only the wife who was at the house! To my surprise I confronted my ex and he admitted to this but claims she was ONLY a friend. She, too was separated from her husband and they were using each other's situation to talk through their problems. Talk about a slap in the face! Here I am pleading with you to talk to me so WE can fix our relationship and you're ok going off to talk to someone else about OUR problems. He would swear up and down that she was only a friend and there was no sexual interest with her whatsoever, in fact, she was still married and was contemplating working things out with her husband.

 

Due to this discovery, I kicked my ex out of the house. Shortly after that our house was in foreclosure and I ended up leaving the house as well. During this time I stop sleeping with my ex, no sex! We were really separated! I was praying and hoping he would come back to me. I ended up finding out that he stopped seeing her since she ended up moving about 2-3 hours away.

 

He started to seducing me and I thought maybe he was having a change of heart - I was stupidly in love with him and up to this point, he has been the only man I ever loved or have ever been with! I met him when I was 17 years old and married him right after I graduated highschool. I really wanted him to be my forever and thought I could do whatever to make it work.

 

We stayed separated but with benefits. He was confused and I waited for him, didn't pay attention to any other man or even made an attempt to find another man. But with time going on, he never made a decision on us and by 2010 I basically told him that this relationship has to move forward or we divorce. He really didn't want the divorce but since he claims he still wasn't "in love with me" he thought it would be best to go through the divorce.

 

We went to the courthouse together to file the paper work and walked out of there while I was crying and he holding my hand. We continued everything in life like we were still a couple, almost starting over. We continued seeing each other and sleeping together because now that we were divorce, I thought that if I stopped sleeping with him, he was going to look for someone else.

 

Years of this continued until 2014, where he decides to tell me that this so-called "friend" ended up moving back and on the last day we slept together and proceeds to claim that he wants to start something with her and that we are no longer "anything". I felt like my heart was broken ALL over again because I held on with this idea that we would stay together even in this unconventional way. I would always think he'd come around back to me because throughout the years he would claim that I have been the best woman in his life, he spoke to me in ways that gave me hope for us. He would say that he loves me to death and regrets letting me go. Only now to find out that behind my back he was contacting her and establishing now a "serious" relationship - the same person who was "just a friend with no sexual attraction" now gets to sleep in the same bed with my ex-husband!

 

In the end, I feel so betrayed and lied to. I don't know how to go about any kind of relationship with him, even for the sake of our daughter. He's been living with this woman now for one year, claims to me he's not even in love with her and that he now regrets everything he's done to me. Since I have told him that I would never take him back, he seems to just stay settled with her just because he knows there's no hope with us. In the meantime, seeing them together brings back ALL the memories of his lies and how those times he would talk to her, if he would talk to me, maybe our relationship could have been different. I feel so disrespected and while he's with her, it's like spitting in my face everyday - I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. He lives in her house now, with our future we got together and my daughter ended up moving with him for the past year. The year 2014 was my worst year ever!! I felt like I lost everything and she replaced me!

 

This Summer we went to Cuba together and he introduced me to everyone as his wife. He would sing love songs to me and whipser the lyrics in my hear. He declared his feelings to me in front of his family and crying. I am beyond confused - he says he's not in love with me but his actions show so differently.

 

Today, I just want to find a good place with him. How would you ever go about it? My daughter wants us back together and I almost feel like the ball is on my court. I hate to give him the satisfaction of ever having me again just from all the lies and hell he's put me through. Plus, because of our culture clash, we wouldn't work out for too long. I guess seeing him with her is what's breaking my heart because it just takes me back to our troubled marriage. He claims he didn't start anything with her until he broke things off with me, but the reality remains that he still looked for her and developed a relationship with her while he was still getting in bed with me and giving us hope.

 

I've learned to accept that HE needs counceling and won't take it. I went to couseling and even the therapist said he needs to see someone.

 

Do you ever find hope after this kind of betrayal? I don't have an issue with trusting people in general but how can I trust him again for the sake of our daughter? How should I go about treating him - he adores me and loves me more than he loves this woman but I need him to know that he needs to do something on his part to SHOW ME that he cares for me. I hope think everything would be resolved if he left her and he knows this but nothing will ever be the same between him and I - I lost not only my husband, my first love and the father of my child, but I lost my best friend.

 

Sorry about the long post but I do appreciate you reaching the end and any advice or comments are greatly appreciated!

 

Annette

 

Annette, dear...you have lost 8 years of your life trying to fix something that was broken in 2007. He told you he was not in love with you and still 8 years after, he still isn't. You lost 8 years trying to avoid the truth, hoping of "maybe this", "maybe that". He had managed to manipulate you, because you cared more than him. And he had some feelings, of course he did, you were his wife, but those are not feelings of "i love you, i want to be with you, i want to make this work". No, it's just that whenever he feels insecure, he likes to know that you are still around. It gives him comfort and security to explore new and better options for him in life.

 

I understand that you fought for your marriage, for person that you loved and i don't judge you. No, you fought for the idea you believed in. In the end of the day you can't say that you gave up too easy. But honey, there is a line, where fight ends and starts destruction. It is not fight anymore, this is pure destruction. You can't force somebody to love you. And he clearly doesn't love you. He is just manipulating you. He said he didn't love you, he lived with another woman and you didn't even see any other man? His actions do not follow his words and trust me, people say anything, but what they do, shows their true intentions. Yes, he is throwing you breadcrumbs, because he likes to keep you around, but that is not love. Crying in front of family, admitting feelings and then what?

 

You have suffered enough, it is time to end with that idea in the head that is killing you. He is not the one. Maybe he was "the one" in some moment of your life, you have daughter, you had great days, but you must put an end to it. For your own sake. He had many chances with you and he did nothing. Because he clearly doesn't want to be with you. Start new life. You are still young and you have a life in front of you. Maybe you won't find another partner soon, but you will discover your new self. Save your selfesteem and don't fall lower than you already have. Enough is enough. If you don't draw the line, you will end up unhappy and miserable. Your life worths. You shouldn't sacrifice your well being and happiness for somebody who doesn't want you anymore. If you don't realize this now....you will be on a good way to destroy your life and health.

[netty12]

Thank you so much Honey! You are absolutely right and I'm making changes in my life and taking charge again. Your kind words are encouraging and I do appreciate immensely your advice!

[Gus Grimly]

You got married pretty young. Threw all your eggs into one basket so to speak, never had a chance to grow and develop an identity of your own. It was always been you and your Ex. I think you are highly dependent on your Ex because that's pretty much all you know. You've kept the relationship hanging by a thread for years. Why? Because you love him? It takes two to tango you know. You were fully open and honest with him but he finds comfort by confiding in another woman? Personally, that would have killed it for me. That's not a committed, loving relationship. That's some BS and my self respect wouldn't have allowed me to stay another second tangled in that web of lies and deceit.

 

My question is: Why do you want to keep walking into a buzz saw with this guy? GTFO, NOW! You sound like a loving and caring person. This guy is selfish and only thinks about himself, not one thought for your feelings or what this is doing to you. You need to move on, this relationship is doomed. It's never going to end up how you want, that's just a fantasy you've concocted in your mind. It's not real. You need to find the strength within and leave this guy in the dust. Staying with him will only lead you back down the same dark path of betrayal you've already traveled. The choice is up to you.

[Lokin4AReason]

let it go and leave in the past ( can not rewrite or change it anyway ) but you can learn from it and not relive it ...

 

 

you can better than him and that other one will respect you a lot more than he did =0)

[netty12]

You got married pretty young. Threw all your eggs into one basket so to speak, never had a chance to grow and develop an identity of your own. It was always been you and your Ex. I think you are highly dependent on your Ex because that's pretty much all you know. You've kept the relationship hanging by a thread for years. Why? Because you love him? It takes two to tango you know. You were fully open and honest with him but he finds comfort by confiding in another woman? Personally, that would have killed it for me. That's not a committed, loving relationship. That's some BS and my self respect wouldn't have allowed me to stay another second tangled in that web of lies and deceit.

 

My question is: Why do you want to keep walking into a buzz saw with this guy? GTFO, NOW! You sound like a loving and caring person. This guy is selfish and only thinks about himself, not one thought for your feelings or what this is doing to you. You need to move on, this relationship is doomed. It's never going to end up how you want, that's just a fantasy you've concocted in your mind. It's not real. You need to find the strength within and leave this guy in the dust. Staying with him will only lead you back down the same dark path of betrayal you've already traveled. The choice is up to you.

 

Hi Gus,

 

Thank you for your input. I have found the strength to just walk away. I don't look for him or talk much to him unless it involves our daughter. I've had to find the willpower and although it's not easy, I've come through. You're absolutely right about me being too reliable on him since I've been with him since I was a teenager. I am adapting to living life without him and the struggle has been beyond difficult but with the support system I have, it's been easier everyday. I am proud of myself with the break away I've done. I think it will always be a struggle but this is the reality of the outcome and that's life. I'm just taking it day by day and moving on. Actions do speak louder than words but at this point, it really wouldn't matter what he said or did because the damage is done and is still happening so I'm learning to keep him out of my life.

 

I guess in life, you don't think that people who love you or care for you can be that selfish and not considerate of the damage you can put them through. But all I can do is look at it like a lesson learned and grow from it. I guess I never wanted this to be the outcome, especially with our child involved but he hasn't given me much of an option to find another solution.

 

The one thing that keeps true to knowing he really does care for me is that I spoke with his girlfriend and she mentioned that if she and he were going to get involved, she needed to understand that he would be in my life and I was a priority to him. If I needed him, she could not have an issue with that. I personally thought he said that to me just to make me feel important but took it as he BSing me, but it wasn't until she said it to me. She also added by saying he really does care for me and is sad with how things turned out between us. She even said that if he wanted me back, she would just step away because she walked into a relationship with him knowing our history (granted she was the "shoulder" he cried on while we were separating) so I think she knows the true feelings he has because he expressed a lot to her years before they became a couple.

 

In the end, there's no going back but I just wanted to find a common ground with him without feeling like I lost him completely but again, he gave me no choice in the matter and made all the decisions himself. It's always hard when emotion is involved but like I said, I've cut that cord and I haven't looked back!

 

Thanks again for hearing me out

[Honey565]

Hi Gus,

 

Thank you for your input. I have found the strength to just walk away. I don't look for him or talk much to him unless it involves our daughter. I've had to find the willpower and although it's not easy, I've come through. You're absolutely right about me being too reliable on him since I've been with him since I was a teenager. I am adapting to living life without him and the struggle has been beyond difficult but with the support system I have, it's been easier everyday. I am proud of myself with the break away I've done. I think it will always be a struggle but this is the reality of the outcome and that's life. I'm just taking it day by day and moving on. Actions do speak louder than words but at this point, it really wouldn't matter what he said or did because the damage is done and is still happening so I'm learning to keep him out of my life.

 

I guess in life, you don't think that people who love you or care for you can be that selfish and not considerate of the damage you can put them through. But all I can do is look at it like a lesson learned and grow from it. I guess I never wanted this to be the outcome, especially with our child involved but he hasn't given me much of an option to find another solution.

 

The one thing that keeps true to knowing he really does care for me is that I spoke with his girlfriend and she mentioned that if she and he were going to get involved, she needed to understand that he would be in my life and I was a priority to him. If I needed him, she could not have an issue with that. I personally thought he said that to me just to make me feel important but took it as he BSing me, but it wasn't until she said it to me. She also added by saying he really does care for me and is sad with how things turned out between us. She even said that if he wanted me back, she would just step away because she walked into a relationship with him knowing our history (granted she was the "shoulder" he cried on while we were separating) so I think she knows the true feelings he has because he expressed a lot to her years before they became a couple.

 

In the end, there's no going back but I just wanted to find a common ground with him without feeling like I lost him completely but again, he gave me no choice in the matter and made all the decisions himself. It's always hard when emotion is involved but like I said, I've cut that cord and I haven't looked back!

 

Thanks again for hearing me out

 

If he cares so much, why is he choosing another woman and not you? Personally, i think that you are confusing between care and love. He will care about you always, but he doesn't care enough to be with you and to invest all his energy for things to work between you two. And then it's the same. What he feels is his personal thing, but what he does to the people he says that he loves is what counts. And he is spending his life with somebody else and not you. Accept that, and do not dig deeper.

 

He had a choice and he had chosen her. That doesn't mean that he didn't love you at some point, but he had chosen some other life. And it is nice and good for your ego to hear things like that, but ego can be your biggest enemy. Because it is all about winning and losing. He had moved on and it's time for you to do the same. You two will always have some feelings for each other, but that doesn't mean that there is desire to actually be together. And that is what only matters. He didn't chose you, now you stop chosing him.