hoplessinlove Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Hi Guys, I have used this forum a few years ago to help me with other relationship problems ive had and was very useful so hope you can all help again. Really long story short: - Ive started dating an amazing lady - we love each other - She has a lot of bad history with her past relationships and has been physically and verbally abused, plus cheated on numerous times - Past two relationships her bf's friends & family have made her feel like **** and that she isnt good enough - She feels she isnt good enough for me no matter how much I tell her she is - Shes suffered VERY bad depression a few years back and is still struggling somewhat - Currently living back at home due to being on long service leave and her and her parents dont get along at all After we started dating she uncovered (asked me directly and I told her the truth immediately) I lived in a share house with someone I had slept with in my past, and was uncomfortable with it. She never asked me to move but thought if I want this relationship to grow I would have to - easy choice to make, so I moved. So...... Now shes freaking out that all my mates hate her because I moved, effectively for her (which isnt true at all, they like her). Not only that but she isn't happy that my ex (of 8 yrs) is still in my life (some similar friends and we still get along). She said she has made some promises to herself that she would never get in a relationship where a) the guy would still be mates with the ex (due to past problems) & b) where she felt uncomfortable around a guys friends (she feels they judge her for me moving which again isnt true) She almost broke up with me today as she said that its the easy way out, but I had a long long talk and have talked her round to not breaking up, as I know we are super happy and in love apart from this. Plus, she said she "loves me", "wants to be with me" and "wants it to work". She also said she hates herself for going back on the promise she made to herself. What can I do to reassure her it will be ok and that my mates like her? Or, Is it a doomed relationship?
Radu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 She is making you pay for how these guys treated her in the past. Except that, she selected those guys. So in effect, you are being punished for being a 'naughty boy', for her making the wrong choices in life, again and again. The better you look to her, the bigger the gap between you and her will seem to her. The bigger the gap is, the more insecure she becomes. You cannot fight this, because her insecurity is internal to her. You cannot fix this, because : - it is in her mind and generally ppl only change such things when faced with life threatening consequences and even then it takes yrs to do it - even if you do fix it, she will dump [most likely] because her desirability increased and she can do better. She is keenly aware [more so than normal and blowing it out of proportion] of the perceived difference in desirability between you and her. Ppl who are willing to change the relationship based on perceived amount of power, are generally like that across the board.
Author hoplessinlove Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 I almost agree with you on the first part, that maybe im getting painted with the same brush as her ex's in that regards. But I don't think in this situation that the part where she doesn't feel good enough is the main problem here. I think its more about how my friends perceive her and that she is uncomfortable with the idea she will end up in the same situation she has done in the past.
yxalitis Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Just be good, kind, and patient. If you can do this, persist: Tolerate her insecurities and mistrust, e.g. let her see your phone (Not directly, by handing it to her, but leaving it around unattended, with no lock.) Reassure her you are happy with her as she is, insecurities and all. If she freaks out over something stupid, be cal, talk to her like you did, keep the same line with her, you understand her past will affect her future, but you won't be that guy to her. Love her, and let her feel that. Give her time to heal. Too many people run from good but broken people, someone has to stand up and try to fix the wrong. IS that you?...strap yourself in, and find out. Don't dump her if you both love each other, put the effort in to make her whole again. Someone has to...
amaysngrace Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 She's damaged goods and you can't fix her. Only she can fix her. 3
Radu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I almost agree with you on the first part, that maybe im getting painted with the same brush as her ex's in that regards. But I don't think in this situation that the part where she doesn't feel good enough is the main problem here. I think its more about how my friends perceive her and that she is uncomfortable with the idea she will end up in the same situation she has done in the past. Her insecurity is rooted in low self-esteem and fear. And all of that translates into 'i am not worthy', which is why she tries to control this much. It's commendable that she has not thrown an ultimatum though. However, if you keep giving in on these issues ... you will never be done with it.
Author hoplessinlove Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 yxalitis - Thanks for your message, I'm more than happy to try work through anything that gets thrown at me. I love her so I'm not going to be dumping her. Just hope that being kind and patient will work! amaysngrace - Not very productive that message. Are all people who have been hurt before a complete write off?
joseb Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 yxalitis - Thanks for your message, I'm more than happy to try work through anything that gets thrown at me. I love her so I'm not going to be dumping her. Just hope that being kind and patient will work! amaysngrace - Not very productive that message. Are all people who have been hurt before a complete write off? As someone who was a fixer before, this rarely works. People need to get over their own issues, not have someone else fix them. Normally the way to do this is some time alone. And/or therapy. Her behaviour sounds a lot like my ex in the early stages. If I had known then what I know now I would have run, not spent 5 years trying to prove I wasn't like all the other guys.
Author hoplessinlove Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 As someone who was a fixer before, this rarely works. People need to get over their own issues, not have someone else fix them. Normally the way to do this is some time alone. And/or therapy. Her behaviour sounds a lot like my ex in the early stages. If I had known then what I know now I would have run, not spent 5 years trying to prove I wasn't like all the other guys. Hi Joseb, Thanks for your reply. I agree I can't be a 'fixer', but I cant get my head around me not being able to do anything at all. Do you think you made any progress at all with your ex? Was yours a jealousy thing or just similar insecurities? I don't think she thinks I'm like the other guys, but think she is worried my friends/family may be similar (which they aren't) What caused your final break in the end?
GoBlue Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 If she has been involved in physical and verbally abusive relationships there is a huge red flag blowing in the wind. Most women who put up with that kind of behavior have some built in issues that needs to be addressed. She also needs some therapy to get through the pain and heartache of everything that has happened. She may never be able to fully trust you or anyone else until she processes this with the help of a professional. Have you ever brought that fact up to her? Have you ever made it clear that you love her and will support her, but you recognize there is no way there can be a healthy relationship unless she gets help? You cannot ignore the obvious warning signs and think that everything will just take care of itself. She is wounded and needs some help. Leslie Vernick has a website where she discusses these issues and she has written a book called The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. I recommend starting there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
contel3 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 yxalitis - Thanks for your message, I'm more than happy to try work through anything that gets thrown at me. I love her so I'm not going to be dumping her. Just hope that being kind and patient will work! amaysngrace - Not very productive that message. Are all people who have been hurt before a complete write off? I used to think like you when I met my ex. He had a lot of trust issues. And guess what? Now I'm the one with trust issues. The problem about people with trust issues is that they will turn on you very quickly. They don't trust you, so it's only natural they won't be fully committed. Didn't you mention she almost broke up with you? If you really want to try with her I have only one advice: be sure to know your boundaries and respect them. When you try "fixing" people you often forget your own wellbeing. Don't try to fix her at the cost of your sanity and self respect. Having issues is not a free pass to hurt the people around you. 1
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 She has mental issues which led her into these poor relationships and how she handled herself. Low self worth, low self esteem, insecurity, paranoia looks like she is possibly manic depressive. Things spiral out of control in her mind, which is part of the illness.... it's like walking on eggshells because you try so hard not to set something off with them. She needs therapy, not a BF.
joseb Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Hi Joseb, Thanks for your reply. I agree I can't be a 'fixer', but I cant get my head around me not being able to do anything at all. Do you think you made any progress at all with your ex? Was yours a jealousy thing or just similar insecurities? I don't think she thinks I'm like the other guys, but think she is worried my friends/family may be similar (which they aren't) What caused your final break in the end? Hi, the last posts are all very applicable. Yes she was jealous and insecure, and went from wanting to break up with me to telling me how lucky she was to have found me, often within hours. Did I make any progress? Maybe. But at what cost. I tried for ages to get her to try therapy. In the end, I was the one that needed therapy (sidenote - it did help resolve a lot of the issue that made me a 'fixer' so something good did come out of all this). I was walking on eggshells a lot. At times I did question my sanity. I started to exhibit symptoms of depression and anxiety, something I never had before. Through therapy I learned about boundaries. When I started trying to enforce these, things got worse. Eventually I guess I saw the light and knew that I could never be happy living like that.
Qboro90 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 yxalitis - Thanks for your message, I'm more than happy to try work through anything that gets thrown at me. I love her so I'm not going to be dumping her. Just hope that being kind and patient will work! amaysngrace - Not very productive that message. Are all people who have been hurt before a complete write off? She's being completely unreasonable and holding you responsible for the bad things she's been through in the past. None of that has anything to do with you. You need to flip it on her when she threatens to break up with you. Remember you literally moved out of an apartment and living situation that was completely fine in order to ease her mind and make her happy. Tell her that. You made drastic changes in order to be with her and show her that you're not like the guys in her past. However you should not and cannot continue to have to prove that to her the rest of your life. She should know what kind of guy you are by now since you've been dating a while. If she still doesn't trust you I personally would take that as an insult as from what you've told me you've been the model boyfriend this far. Also tell her that the promises she made herself are unrealistic to keep if she ever wants to have a lasting relationship. There are many people who are able to remain civil and friendly with their ex's. I'm one of them. Additionally, any girl who wants to separate you from your friends is a huge red flag. No one should have to give up or distance themselves from the friends they've had for years just because of her perception. Tell her that they've done nothing and said nothing negative to or about you but if I were them I would have based off what you've told me. If she wants to make it work then she will actively try to hang out with you and your friends and try to be social and get to know them. If she's the type of girl who doesn't leave your side when you're out with friends or public that's a bad sign. If she wants to leave, best of luck. She's been dumped and mistreated by every guy in her life up to now.... And the one guy who doesn't mistreat or abuse her, she's gonna break up with him?! Hahaha that's laughable.
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