Just Breathe: Everyone thought he was the one (sigh)

[FaithInMe]

I've been saying that a lot to myself lately.....Just Breathe...

 

Hi everyone. I am new here but I've been lurking for around a month.

 

A little about me. I'm 50, divorced with two adult children. My ex BF is 48, also divorced with a 12 year old son (shares custody with his ex).

 

I had the bomb dropped on me a little over 5 weeks ago, and like a lot of people, it came as a total surprise. Looking back, I guess I should have seen the signs, but I have had a lot of personal stuff happening in my life this year.

 

- My parents were both moved to a nursing home around in the Dec/Jan timeframe.

- I lost my dad in March after a long battle with cancer.

- My mom requires a lot of attention, not to mention dealing with the sale of their home and finances (I am their POA).

- I am trying to graduate from college, so I am taking classes.

- I am going to lose my job later this year, after a 30 year career with the same company, so the degree is important.

 

That's a little bit about what I've had on my plate.

 

I have been in a few relationships since my divorce, but they were easy to get past. This one is different, because this time, I thought he was the one. Everyone did.

 

Hell, maybe he still is the one. But I can't wait around for him to figure that out or want to work at it. So I'm working on me, and staying the course.

 

Like I said, I am 5 weeks post BU (and it has been hell on me). I am almost at week 4 of NC.

 

After he left my house that day, I tried to call and text the next day. He didn't reply. He sent me a short email a couple days later (something for my mom), and indicated that I didn't say anything to offend him during the BU talk (that was a concern in my call and text).

 

Two days later I sent him an email, asking some questions about the BU, and explaining some things I thought could have been better with us.

 

About a week later he replied. It was a long and heart-felt email, respectful, and very loving.

 

I took about two days and replied again. That same day I sent him a message on FB, letting him know that I replied. In the FB message, I asked "How are you? You doing okay?"

 

That was the last message I sent. A week went by and I saw that he finally read the FB message. He never responded to the question. Funny, he said he had hoped we'd be friends (like they usually do). But my friends don't behave that way.

 

Plus I've been an emotional wreck (behind closed doors mostly), leaning on friends a lot, reading this board, and this week I am going to see a counselor. With all the other stress in my life, I'm not moving past this as quickly as I would have hoped. I feel like a Tigger who has lost his bounce! But I WILL get it back -- I just need more time.

 

It has been a crappy year, to say the least.

 

I would reconcile with him if I could, because I feel like all of our issues are fixable (will talk more about the BU reasons in my next post). But I know that it takes two to fix things. So while he is figuring out his life, I'm focusing on me.

 

I'll come here to post and vent, and share my journey. I know it will help me move forward. Thanks for reading so far.

[54JA]

I can't believe how so much can happen to a person all at once. I feel so ashamed for freaking out and stressing out over a lost internet connection. I am humbled by your strength. I am so sorry for your loss.

[FaithInMe]

Since my divorce, I have managed to maintain friendships with many of my ex BF's, and a lot of that has been through FB. But the breakups were different. We grew apart, mutual, a little space and then reconnected. This one definitely feels different -- like we aren't done with each other. But I don't want to hold on to false hope, so like I said, I'm going to keep moving forward.

 

I was stalking his FB page for a few weeks, like a lot of people do, but I've managed to stop that. I also have my phone and FB wall set up so that I can't see if he is online. I might catch it at times, but having that gone for the most part has been helpful. Eventually I won't care, and one of two things will happen...

I'll remove him as a friend, or I won't care.

I am good with that (for now).

 

I mentioned that we've been NC. I guess "I have been NC" with him. But I notice some of his activity on FB since the BU.

 

He has been "liking" posts from my friends. They mentioned it to me because they thought it was odd. He has been doing the same thing with one of my sons that lives on the West Coast (one that we didn't get to see a lot during our relationship).

 

On Father's Day, I posted a tribute to my dad. He "liked" that post. That was 4 weeks ago and the last "anything" from my ex.

Until this past weekend....

 

In the back of my mind, I know he is there on FB. I don't know if he is watching me, but one would assume he is. After all, he wanted to be "friends", right?

 

I've been posting here and there about my activities, including going out with friends. Some group pics, some just me, a party at my house...etc... Friday night, I captured a really great picture of me. It showed off my new haircut, a little weight loss (yep, I'm on the BU diet like a lot of people are), a great smile...just a great all around picture. I also took it in black & white. When I saw the picture, I thought "ex" would have liked this photo.

 

Later that night I posted it to FB along with some other pictures from the evening. That was followed by more friends pictures the next night. A few days later, I saw the B&W photo again, and really liked it. So I made it my profile picture.

 

And within a matter of hours, "ex" clicked "like." The first anything from him in 4 weeks -- total silence toward me until that moment. I know that he knows I would see that he saw the picture. It also means that he is watching.

 

Now I know that this is high school type of thinking and behavior. But it made me chuckle.

 

Does he really think we can be "friends"? Maybe someday....way in the future, but that day is not today.

 

I still have a lot of his stuff here at my place. He was slowly leaving things here, in anticipation of him moving in with me. After the BU I wasn't ready to deal with any of that -- too much stress and emotion. He apparently wasn't ready either, since he walked out after unplugging his phone from HIS charger, and left the charger. He also asked me to keep his key. (I don't think he was thinking straight.) More about that later...

 

So over time, I have slowly placed things in a box in the garage. He also has a dresser of clothes, so I've been sticking things in there and closing the drawer.

 

At some point in the future when I am ready, I will reach out to him and make arrangements for his stuff. But that will be on my timeline -- This is about me, not him.

 

I have had so much going on, like I said. It has been hard to focus on my life, and any additional focus on him or the BU is even more distracting. I have been struggling with a very difficult class, and the BU in the midst of that really set me back. I need to focus on ME, and take care of ME, and I am not ready to see him or speak to him. I can barely help with my mom's needs, when I can't take care of myself?

 

I have had some work travel too, and another trip coming up next week. That will be followed by a visit from one of my guy friends (out of town friend - strictly friends -- he is married). Then I have the final exam for the current summer class.

 

After that, maybe I will be able to make the time to deal with his stuff. But again, only when I am ready.

 

I am curious at times about why he hasn't contacted me about it. Perhaps he isn't worried about it (doesn't want it, or trusts me). Maybe he knows that I told him I was going to take some space and give him some space -- so he is abiding by that waiting for me. Or maybe he doesn't want to deal with it or me - scared?

 

Not sure -- regardless, I am not going to be the keeper of all these memories (including his house key) for the remainder of my days. This will be a good closure step for me - when I have the energy and time to deal with it.

[FaithInMe]

We were together for about 18 months. Happy, great together. Everyone loved him, loved us. This was the first man my parents liked, and he was very respectful to them. He treated me well too...the way I always wanted.

 

The day of the BU, I don't think he expected it to happen. We saw each other the two nights before and everything was fine. The morning of, he came over, and we were doing things at my house...a normal day. He offered to make me coffee and breakfast, but we decided to get brunch instead and then visit my mom.

 

We were on our way to eat, when it happened. He broke up with me at a stoplight?

 

A few minutes before, he had said he was feeling "disorganized." That usually means that he is feeling behind at home or with his side business, so I didn't think much of it. Then later he said that he meant "personally." That's when I knew he was talking about us.

 

It went something like...“I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, a forever love. I don’t think you and I would be happy if we lived together and if we got married.” I asked “What are you saying?” “Are you saying that you don’t know if you’d be happy living with me, or marrying me? Or are you breaking up with me?” He replied, with hesitation, “I guess both.”

 

I felt the world crumble around me. I did not see that coming! We hadn't even had a fight, where did this come from?

 

I don’t think he intended to break up with me right then because of how he acted after. I opened a door that he could walk through when I asked. I think it was a relief to him to be able to express his doubts and to end things.

 

We sat in the parking lot of the place and talked for about an hour, then we faked it during the visit with my mom. He came back to my place and we sat for a few (waiting for someone to come to my place re: my parents and a financial thing)...but I finally told him he could go.

 

He told me how much he loved me, would always be there for me, might regret this someday, blah blah blad, kissed me and said "goodbye baby." That was the last time I saw him.

 

During the BU conversation, he gave a lot of odd responses on why he was breaking up. It was confusing mostly - but I think he was confused too. So I didn't put much value in that conversation.

 

He kept saying that he had been happy all this time. So, if we were happy, why are we breaking up? WTH?

 

In the original conversation he said it was because of our different religious views (not an issue), then it was because his cats would make me miserable (I was already working on that with him), then he said it was something else....some if it I can't remember. It was just so very odd and like I said, confusing! But i learned more valuable information from his email.

 

Things were not perfect with us -- they never are. But little things weren't important to me. Having lost my dad, my perspective is a bit different.

 

Looking back now, it seems he held in a lot of things. Either out of fear in hurting me, or in his flight mentality….running away instead of addressing what might be bothering him. Obviously he wasn't communicating with me when things were bothering him.

 

I didn't want my post to be too long. Sorry, I still need to explain why he broke up with me. What he said in the email.

[FaithInMe]

I can't believe how so much can happen to a person all at once. I feel so ashamed for freaking out and stressing out over a lost internet connection. I am humbled by your strength. I am so sorry for your loss.

lol, you haven't heard me fussing about my internet yet

 

or the TV that doesn't have sound

 

or the stupid ant issue in my kitchen

 

or the funny sound my car is making

 

I kinda had to put things into perspective myself and let it go.

 

But right now my internet is working --- thank goodness! You don't want me to start screaming and cursing! :)

 

And thank you for the condolences and for the compliment. I'm not feeling so strong right now. I break down a lot behind closed doors. But I'll get there.

[FaithInMe]

Sorry for the long post....

I think this catches me up to what happened.

 

His reasons for the break-up, per his email.

 

Some of it still had me scratching my head, but the key theme was communication. You will also notice that we were not fighting with each other through any of this, but speaking from a good place of mutual respect and love. I have seen people that have it much worse, but I don't know that this is any easier. It still hurts, especially when there is a lot of love between us.

 

Some of his statements were in response to my email to him after the break-up, so it may seem like it is out of context. I am going to paraphrase what he wrote (even with that, it is still long):

 

 

** The decision was not about the cats. He gave up one of his cats earlier this year in preparation for moving in together, a decision he didn’t make lightly. He would have made any concessions necessary had we moved in together.

 

(This is in contrast to what he said in the car during the original break-up conversation. This makes more sense to me now. Like I said, I think he was caught off guard breaking up with me, and wasn't prepared.)

 

 

 

** He doesn’t want to work at doing the best he can in a relationship while not admitting that he isn’t really happy.

 

(He contradicts himself later in the email by saying that he WAS happy.)

 

 

 

** Before we met he was on medication for ADHD and he stopped taking about a year before we met. He is grateful for not being on the meds for a variety of reasons. However, he admits that many of the day to day symptoms have been much more difficult without the meds. Here are some examples of how this has affected him during our R:

 

--- I speak quickly with lots of details and it sometimes makes him feel overwhelmed. His ADHD can often be triggered by an overload of stimuli and information. He had to work hard while on the phone with me, and try to keep up.

 

(We talked about this a few times, and I had been working to find a way to slow down. I am a woman and we ramble and talk fast. That doesn't mean it's okay -- it's an area that we recognized. There are several recent examples where I was rambling – stress behavior with all I’ve had going on in my life ...i.e. losing my dad to cancer or dealing with social services, and I stopped and took a breath and acknowledged what I was doing, and possibly going too fast. I then asked if he was with me, and recounted anything that was too fast or unclear. This was my attempt at hearing his needs. But he didn’t acknowledge that anywhere in his email – as if I never came right out and said that or did that.)

 

 

 

--- Conversations with me required extra effort. But none of this is my fault. He learned to change the subject to keep things interesting for him and to maintain focus on our conversations. He said that this wasn’t the case most of the time we talked, but sometimes he felt he needed to be almost rude and cut me off.

 

--- With his friends (guys), they just say "ok goodbye" and hang up at any time. That doesn't make it right or at all polite, but it's what they are all comfortable with. With me he can't just blurt out "ok goodbye" because it would come across as rude. However, he said that he would not trade our conversations for anything. The above describes his brain sometimes, not most of the time. He almost always enjoy speaking with me and usually take a genuine interest in what I have to say.

 

(We talked about this several times months ago, and this has not happened in months. It seems he pulled up some things that happened early on in our R, where I was more insecure. I think he assumed that I was not capable of making changes to improve our communication? I don't understand why he even used this example after all this time. Months ago we came up with a code phrase that I could use if I had something to share, and if I wasn’t picking up the hint that he was ready to get off the phone. And we also agreed that he would come right out and tell me if we needed to end the call, not expecting that I would get a hint. Again, having him bring up something from months ago is frustrating, as if I get no credit for things I have done to accommodate his needs.)

 

 

 

** He mentioned how phone calls and texts were sometimes a stressor for him. At times he felt overwhelmed by incoming messages and even though it only takes a few moments to listen some did make him feel pressured. (((These are not just calls and messages from me – it’s a generalized issue.))) He doesn’t know why he is like that.

 

(We talked about this a few times, and I knew that he would be overwhelmed. So I often would ask “Did you get my voice mail from earlier?” That way I wouldn’t need to repeat if he did and further overwhelm him. I think that by me asking, perhaps it made him feel bad? When I was trying to be helpful. There were times when he didn’t even know I called or sent a text. We joked about it many times about how he gets overwhelmed and his voicemail fills up. In the beginning it bothered me a bit, but once I understood his style and all the messages that came at him during the workday, it was a non-issue for me. Hasn’t bothered me for months. But it must have bothered him.)

 

 

 

** He mentioned saying goodbye after a night together. He felt that sometimes it did feel as if no matter how great a time he had, when it was time to part ways I saw him as "rushing out" and maybe he was. It felt like it didn't matter how much fun we might have had because that final moment, with me hurt and him annoyed, would end up being the thing he recalled. He would leave a little too quickly and made me feel bad. He NEVER wants or wanted to make me feel bad. He would rather feel bad himself than make someone else, especially me, feel that way. (He referenced an exchange a week before the BU.)

 

 

(Again, this is something that happened months ago in our relationship when I was feeling insecure. It felt like he was running away and rushing off. It usually happened on the weekends. Lately it hadn’t been an issue because he never stayed on Sunday nights, and would usually leave on Sundays. On those weekends when he had his son, they would leave together. The only reason it happened the Saturday before the breakup is because was “in the mood” and tried to take him upstairs. He just about snapped my head off when I made the suggestion and I dropped it. I didn’t think about it again until the break-up conversation and email.)

 

 

 

** He talked about the “L” word, which went way back to early in our relationship. He said that maybe he used it too soon, before he was ready. But this is not my fault. He felt somewhat pressured that it was expected at that point. Yet looking back he cannot say that was the only reason because he doesn’t use those words lightly.

 

** He didn’t ever want to hurt me. I became his best friend and while it would seem that would him license to be honest about anything, it may have had the opposite effect because with I take criticism to heart and internalize negative feedback. So he was worried about being too honest.

 

(I do take criticism harshly, but it’s because I’m hard on myself. This has nothing to do with him. I am like this with everything in life. I never wanted to disappoint him. I gave him suggestions on how to approach the subject to make the approach softer...a way that I didn't feel as knocked down. My son found a way that works very well, and I shared it with my ex)

 

 

 

** He said he didn’t want to stay in a relationship out of convenience, because it felt good and was easy. He said walking away was more difficult than staying together. He said staying together would be much easier because we are best friends. We are comfortable together. We know each other pretty well. And he asked a rhetorical question: Which is more convenient, staying together as a couple, or starting again from scratch and maybe never finding another compatible person?

 

** He felt that moving in, sharing expenses and household duties while working to improve our communication made sense to him. But the more he thought about it the bigger those "blips" in our communication loomed, until he decided in his own mind that there is no way he could live with me. He feels that we can not get past some of our most basic communication difficulties.

 

(Aside from conversations months ago, he never brought this up again. He seems to be dredging up examples from the past, and I don’t understand why. Again, it’s as if he has seen no improvements anywhere, when I have seen many. We’ve even talked about some of the ways our communication patterns have changed over the months, and things that are better. It's like he checked out without telling me that he needed to, not until it was too late for me to discuss with him, or to talk about changes that we've made and what IS or IS NOT working.)

 

 

 

** He talked about how he can easily lose patience, but that he tries to maintain a level of tolerance for any situation. He doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of others, especially me, someone he cares deeply about. He feels that if he is at the end of his patience rope, I should be able to step up and help him out. But he admits that these incidents happen infrequently.

 

** He recommended seeing a counselor in January to help us with our communication blips. He said that it makes no sense to go to see a counselor now and that he is capable of having a successful relationship with the right person.

 

(Yes, he did mention the counselor. This was in January, around the time we had the last big fight. That was also the same time that my mother and father were in bad shape, and I was trying to find a better nursing home for them. My dad was also terminal and I was dealing with a lot. It is understandable if I didn't realize the importance of this to him. I was all over the place physically and emotionally. But we talked a lot after the fight and said that we learned a lot from it. He never mentioned the counselor again, and I didn’t realize we still needed one. I would have gone with him gladly. I also offered to go see a counselor during the break-up conversation. But in the past 6 months, if he doesn’t see any changes or improvements, would it have mattered? Nothing I did in the past 6 months is being recognized by him. That is hurtful and frustrating for me.

 

(I also want to mention how I attempted at doing a "check-in" with him. Considering how stressful my life was, and the ways I had to lean on him and others a lot, there were many times when I came out and asked him how things were. I'd ask something like this...."I feel like I am such a burden at times and I have so much stress, am I there for you when you need me? Are you happy? Am I meeting your needs? I don't know what better way I could have opened up a door for him to communicate if things were feeling "off" for him. He always said that he was happy and I was meeting his needs, and he always knows I'd be there for him if he ever needed me.)

 

 

 

** He said he has been happy for the past 18 months. He doesn’t know if he could have been happier. Then he mentioned a few minor things that could have helped (like enjoying the same TV shows or movies).

 

** He said a lot of great things about me, a lot of compliments and he listed some of my great qualities and gifts. He feels that he was lucky to have someone who cares about him as much as I do. He mentioned how well I write, that ironically, this is one of the things which attracted him to me initially. He felt that we were kindred spirits not just because we had so many similar views, but because of my ability to express myself so clearly through my writing.

 

** He said that what happened is not my fault, and that this did not happen because of a fault that I have. He ended by saying that I am more than special to him and he will always care about me and my family.

 

 

** He signed it Love, "Ex"

 

 

 

I will never understand why he didn't talk to me along the way. I also can't understand why he didn't give examples where things did work well (some that were clearly handled well). I guess I may never know why he let it go this far. And I can't spend hours and hours reliving the moments that didn't go well. For every moment that was imperfect, there were easily a thousand wonderful moments. It seems he held onto the imperfect ones. And I can't force him to change the eyeglasses and view the past through a different filter.

 

I also find it ironic that there were several times when I was talking about "us" and he replied that he would like to spend less time analyzing our relationship and more time enjoying our relationship. So when my dad died, my perspective changed a bit. I spent more time in the present, and less time talking with him. Seems like I couldn't win.

 

Here I was trying to live in the moment, and he was the one analyzing? Ugh!

 

Again, sorry for the long post...I'll keep them shorter from here on. Thanks for reading!

[54JA]

Girl, you can write!

 

I apologize ahead of time: I'm sorry if I didn't get everything or got confused and got some things mixed up. It sounds like his ADHD really impacts his communication (receiving and expressing). That impulsive way he broke up with you at a stoplight (of all places...) seems consistent with the symptoms. He probably was very afraid that the communication issues may be magnified, and his difficulty with organization (both thoughts and physical) will become apparent and cause problems once you two moved in together. You seem like a deep, complex thinker, and may be he was afraid he might not be able to navigate your thoughts? Not sure...

 

Anyway, the important thing is that you are moving forward. Are you finding that your writing is helpful for your healing? Sometimes our thinking can be obsessive and we need some sort of structure to put a limit to it. I really hope that your coming here and sharing helps you in someway.

[FaithInMe]

Girl, you can write!

 

I apologize ahead of time: I'm sorry if I didn't get everything or got confused and got some things mixed up.

No apologies needed. I shared a lot, but I didn't know which pieces to leave out. I just appreciate you responding.

 

You seem like a deep, complex thinker, and may be he was afraid he might not be able to navigate your thoughts? Not sure...

 

I knew about the ADHD and we talked about it at times, but I had no idea that it was affecting him this much. I wish he had sat down with me and talked to me, before he felt it was beyond repair. I would have gladly and lovingly worked through all of that with him. I am not too old to admit fault or to compromise. I know we can't change who we are, but I believe we can make "tweaks" when in a relationship.

 

I also don't mind sharing what I am thinking, in general. I didn't realize how overwhelmed he felt.

 

I think it's also unfortunate that we got together during the time in my life that was full of stress. My stress behaviors (i.e. needing to vent and talk) probably didn't help. But I thought that was what a best friend does. Kinda wishing I had spread it out more with some of my other friends, so that I didn't overwhelm him.

 

I realize now how much I leaned on him during these struggles, especially losing my dad. I really miss him. I miss my best friend. And even if we never get back together, I need to find a way (down the road when I am healed) to thank him for everything he did for me and my family. He was wonderful.

 

I don't know if the writing is helping, since I've just started. But the obsessive thinking is not good -- I am struggling with that a lot.

[FaithInMe]

Day 27 NC.

38 Days Post BU

 

I have finally admitted need to admit that I am in a state of depression; that is difficult for me to admit. I feel so alone and it seems that the weight of life's challenges are not letting up. I was a strong, independent, single woman. But life has worn me down. I want to get back to THAT woman. I liked her.

 

A few things I've discovered this week:

1.) I need to limit the alone time in this house.

 

But it's difficult when I live alone and have responsibilities. Plus I have college work.

 

So I've decided that at least 1x a weekend and 1x during the weeknights, I am going to get out and go do studying somewhere else. I am also going to go to my brother's more for dinner. I'm not eating well, and at least if food is put in front of me, I may eat more.

 

I also have a friend who offered to stay with me some nights, and another that offered to let me stay at her place for a few nights. Here and there, when I need it.

 

 

 

2.) I need to hire someone to help clean my house - if only a couple times a month. That will ease some pressure.

 

 

 

3.) My brother needs to help more with my mom.

 

She has been sick a lot over the past week, and is calling me several times a day. It has caused me to have two anxiety attacks in the past two days. Today was particularly bad because I am sick with a stomach bug.

 

It makes me feel so guilty. Here she lost her husband of 63 years, and she has so much to deal with...losing her home, her health, being in a nursing home. She needs me and she leans on me. I want to be there for her, but I cannot right now. And it hurts me to have to tell her and my brother that I cannot do this right now.

 

I will be no good to anybody if I am not physically and mentally healthy.

 

I talked to both of them today. I know I hurt my mom in doing that, and I feel bad. But I didn't really have a choice.

 

Today I ignored 3 phone calls from her because I was trying to sleep and feel better. I need to get over this stomach bug and back to work tomorrow!

 

 

 

4.) I need to see a counselor, and I have my first appointment tomorrow.

 

I remember being on depression medication years ago, and after several types, I felt awful (worse actually), and finally got off of the meds.

 

It does seem like I need to be on some kind of depression medication, but I also want to research some other natural remedies, and avoid medication if possible.

 

 

5.) Even if I wanted to get back with my "ex" (which I know is highly unlikely), I can't do it any time in the near future. I have some things of my own that I have got to work through. I'm in no mental state to be with anyone.

 

I also can't see him to give his stuff back. I need to be in a stronger place first!

 

I am glad I've been able to maintain NC. I really need this time. I am guessing he needs it too, because knowing him, he probably feels crappy about hurting me, and breaking up out of the blue. He also ignored me some during those first two weeks - undeserved on my part. I am not letting him off the hook, but I am giving him time too. We both need it.

[54JA]

It would be crazy if you weren't depressed. Any normal person would be if she had to deal with what you are dealing with. You have been very strong for a very long time, and now it's your turn to take it easy. You lost your dad, your mom is sick, you broke up with your boyfriend, and you are trying to finish school. You were running full speed. This is a lot!

 

It sounds like you are still strong and resilient. Despite your depressive state, look at the steps you have already taken to get better. Great job!!

 

I hope your counselor/therapist can introduce you to cognitive behavior therapy of some sort. It has helped me a lot. I recommended it here before, but Feeling Good by David Burns (book on how to deal with depression) has helped me a lot. This book was recommended to me by my counselors, too. I hope you give it a try.

 

It's really tough trying to study when you are dealing with a breakup. I remember how difficult it was for me during my last semester of school to stay focused to read a single paragraph and understand it because I was going through a breakup. My mind was literally all over the place. I don't know how I managed to get through it, but I did.

[FaithInMe]

I hate that I have to take a step back for me....but I've been on this roller-coaster for a couple of years now....always there for my parents.

 

Sometimes I forget the toll it has taken....like holding my dad's hand and talking to him when he took his last breath (alone). I have been at every ER visit, every hospital visit, etc... I don't want to hurt my mom, but I need to take care of me for a bit.

 

You're right, focusing on my class has been awful. It is the hardest class in the curriculum and has the highest failure rate. Going into this class, I had a 4.0 GPA. Now I'm just trying to pass the class. Bye bye 4.0, but I just need to finish. Two more classes in the fall and I graduate.

 

I wish I could take a break from school - that would help a lot. But with my job ending, I need this degree.

 

Thanks for the suggestions about the book and cognitive behavior. I will take a look at them both.

[FaithInMe]

Day 28 NC

39 Days Post BU

 

Wow, does that say thirty nine days since I've seen my best friend or heard his voice? It definitely left a hole inside of me. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that everyone could see this giant hole - like they can look right through me.

 

As I was typing this, suddenly a visual of something like The Terminator popped into my head. Isn't that the one where the bullet goes through and takes a chunk out of him, and he's walking around with a chunk missing? haha For some reason, that visual made me chuckle.

 

Anyway, today was my first counselor appointment. Most of it was me rambling on and on about life's trials. We spent some time talking about my ex's comments during the BU and in his emails and what I've learned from it.

 

We talked about the realizations I've made this week and steps I'm taking to get myself back to ME again.

 

She talked about closure - the email I received from my ex is much more then a lot of people receive. I am grateful I have that, because I know I can learn and grow from it.

 

But that is bittersweet...

Because it is clear in the BU and in the emails that there is so much love and respect between us. It's difficult for me to accept that things were not fixable. It makes me sad to think that love is not enough. Why can't it be? Love and friendship - the foundation of all relationships. If we have that, why couldn't this be fixed?

 

It's not like we have been mean or nasty to each other, and I don't think there is anyone else in the picture (I guess there could be now after 39 days).

 

I want to be angry with him for giving up, for not talking to me about his feelings, for not being honest in those moments when I asked him how we were doing (making sure my stress wasn't causing problems for us).

 

But aside from a few cursing outbursts here and there to myself since the BU (totally healthy), I haven't been able to get angry with him for long. I love the stupid guy! I said as much to the counselor - she chuckled a few times at things I said.

 

So much of the appointment was me rambling, her asking a few questions, and me rambling some more. Now that is out of the way, I guess the next appointment will have more progress. Doesn't she have some magic wand or words to give me that will make this go away? (If only)

 

At least it was nice to have someone to listen (without bombarding my friends and family who are probably sick of me talking about my woes).

 

What have I learned today? (Aside from things I already posted...)

 

This Wednesday night class is causing a lot of anxiety and I feel like I never get relief. We have either a quiz or a test in every class, so I am always building up anxiety on Monday to Wednesday, in anticipation of the class. Then I feel better on Thursday and through the weekend. By Tuesday, it starts building up again. All the other crap in life just makes it worse!

 

I have 4 more Wednesdays like this and I need to find a solution to get me through.

 

 

Any advice on how to ease tension - the kind that builds up and you hold in your body?

 

 

It gets so bad that I am now having problems in my neck and need PT. (I have a recurring issue with my neck that has flared up with this and I am planning to schedule the PT next week after my business trip.)