paigej91 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) I've been on 4-5 dates now with someone I met on Tinder - I don't date the way a lot of Tinder users do, though. I'm much more traditional. Several dates of "getting to know you" that eventually go from public to more private settings. Sex very likely won't come into the picture until much later. yadda yadda. I only feel the need to explain this because this forum exemplifies hook-up culture. Anyway, I've been seeing a man now who actually seems very genuine - he's got an excellent personality and fair looks; he's chivalrous, super hilarious, understanding, etc. I'll be honest though, I feel uncertain about if I want to continue this or cut it off. He's much more certain than I (which, I'm sure frustrates him too, so I want to decide so he doesn't have to be in a weird spot). In fact, I find him a little overwhelming sometimes with how often he texts me and wants to hang out. I'm very independent and low-maintenance. The way things are going now we would probably have reverse roles in the relationship My reasoning for wanting to give this a shot (despite feeling "overwhelmed") is simply because of how genuine and honest he is. Historically, my dating difficulties have all come down to the guy being a douche and leading me on when he didn't actually want anything serious. And I don't want to repeat my previous mistakes, but I also don't feel that same immediate intense attraction that I seem to have with the men who I've (eventually) had a bad experience with. I feel comfortable/safe around him, but I'm not feeling a lot of the physical vibes right now. I think they could grow, but they might not, so I also don't want to leave him hanging. How should I address this and talk about it with him? (He'll definitely ask me the next time I see him) Edited July 21, 2015 by paigej91
mystikmind2005 Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 It is the age old story, players know how to play and nice guys finish last. If your tired of being deceived by your own emotions and the players that play those emotions then i suggest you knuckle down and commit to this guy and that is your final decision, ,,, don't indulge doubts.
joseb Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Do you find his physically attractive? To me it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into something you are not feeling If you are pretty independent (like me) all that texting and calling will drive you nuts. Maybe talk to him about that? 2
Jejangles Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I don't have great advice on this, but I'll be very interested in the comments because I could have basically written this post. I am also early dating someone who is exactly the type of person I feel like I should be looking for. I am also drawn to people who turn out to be bad for me, and have done a lot of work over the last little while and vowed to look for a good person who treats me the right way. The guy I am currently dating is doing everything "right" and yet I'm not sure whether to continue or not, mostly because I don't feel that attraction the flakes / players / avoidants seem to spark in me The way I'm looking at it is just because someone is a good person and making all the right moves, it doesn't mean they are right for you. However because I recognize the guy I am dating is a genuinely good person, I want to give him a strong chance. I have been on a lot of first dates and guys this great don't come along every day. So I am taking it one date at a time and trying not to leap forward... We haven't even kissed yet, which may partially be why I'm unsure of the attraction, so my plan is to make something happen next time and see how I feel. I guess my suggestion to you is to also take it one date at a time - what's the rush to decide (unless he forces you to, which then might mean you have to walk away)? Give it time and see if something can grow. I think so often we expect to feel something right away, but that gut initial reaction is not based on much. So maybe you can just say to him that you are enjoying getting to know him, and you're comfortable with the current pace, and would like to continue dating and see where it goes. 1
Tribble Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Not necessarily. You say you're usually attracted to guys who don't treat you right, but where did you meet them? OLD like this guy or IRL? I've tried OLD a little and it really wasn't for me. It takes me ages to develop any kind of attraction to anyone and I found the concept of meeting up with someone that I didn't know, specifically with the intention of dating very odd. I never felt the spark, with anyone and just left it. I always thought you should feel it or there's no point. But even IRL it took me ages to realise I liked someone and they were good for me, I'd be friends with them first for a long time before this lightbulb moment. I need that time, that unforced interaction without the romantic intention first and OLD just doesn't allow that. Now you (and Jejangles) have got much further than me and are seeing these guys so kudos for that. I'd say give it some time to actually develop. If he asks, say just that. You like him but need more time to see if something more is there. You've hardly known each other 2 minutes. If he doesn't get that or allow you that time, he's not the one for you. On an aside, my best friend met her current bf on tinder. For the longest time, she wasn't sure, he was more into her than she was into him, she didn't feel the same as she did with other guys etc. But she gave it time, relaxed, gave him a chance and she's head over heels now! 2
Author paigej91 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Do you find his physically attractive? To me it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into something you are not feeling If you are pretty independent (like me) all that texting and calling will drive you nuts. Maybe talk to him about that? I do find him handsome and physically attractive, however, I'm not getting those intense physical/sexual vibes yet. This may grow, but it also might not so I don't know how much time it needs - especially since I met him online. And I have joked about the texting thing, but I'm going to talk to him about it because it really is too much sometimes.
Jejangles Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I do find him handsome and physically attractive, however, I'm not getting those intense physical/sexual vibes yet. This may grow, but it also might not so I don't know how much time it needs - especially since I met him online. And I have joked about the texting thing, but I'm going to talk to him about it because it really is too much sometimes. Have you had much physical contact with him? I know for me, I don't always know if I have a physical connection with someone until we go ahead and touch each other... Part of the problem with the current guy I'm dating is there has been pretty much no touching other than hugs hello and good-bye. This is why I'm planning to ramp it up and see. The texting thing is a tough one, because you guys may just have different styles. But I think you can speak up - it's possible he's contacting you so much because he senses you are on the fence. So maybe if you reassure him you are interested in exploring things with him, he'll cool it down a little.
Author paigej91 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Have you had much physical contact with him? I know for me, I don't always know if I have a physical connection with someone until we go ahead and touch each other... Part of the problem with the current guy I'm dating is there has been pretty much no touching other than hugs hello and good-bye. This is why I'm planning to ramp it up and see. The texting thing is a tough one, because you guys may just have different styles. But I think you can speak up - it's possible he's contacting you so much because he senses you are on the fence. So maybe if you reassure him you are interested in exploring things with him, he'll cool it down a little. We've made out and stuff, but aside from one time that I went to his place I haven't seen him in a private setting much. Even with that said, historically, I've still been able to tell much earlier on (even without a lot of experimenting) so this is weird. In terms of texting, I did tell him I could go with being texted somewhat less, and now it seems like the roles have shifted. He's gone much quieter than I asked him to, and I'm doing most of the initiating. Should I make a joke of it and say something like "you didn't have to go almost silent on me :p"?
xcupid Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I do find him handsome and physically attractive, however, I'm not getting those intense physical/sexual vibes yet. This may grow, but it also might not so I don't know how much time it needs - especially since I met him online. And I have joked about the texting thing, but I'm going to talk to him about it because it really is too much sometimes. From the sounds of it he's a quality guy even though he's overwhelming you a bit. These threads are filled with stories about women who are dating or in relationships with jerks. Be thankful you might have found a good man. What do you want? Fireworks? Butterflies? Sparks? Give it time. You're attracted to him and he has qualities you like. Get to know him better. He's taking a chance on you. You should take a chance on him. 1
RoseVille Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I think you're confusing drama/emotional unavailability (that is, tension) with passion. Here, there's no tension. You know how he feels. Give it time.
Leigh 87 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 From the sounds of it he's a quality guy even though he's overwhelming you a bit. These threads are filled with stories about women who are dating or in relationships with jerks. Be thankful you might have found a good man. What do you want? Fireworks? Butterflies? Sparks? Give it time. You're attracted to him and he has qualities you like. Get to know him better. He's taking a chance on you. You should take a chance on him. Some couples do feel butterflies fireworks and sparks.... If it ain't there at the first kiss or first two dates then fireworks and intense chemistry never manifest. ....
clam Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 He wouldn't be on Tinder if he wasn't looking for a hook-up. You're barking up the wrong tree.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) His needy behavior is turning you off. The constant texts and attempts to see you, aren't allowing you space to miss him. How do you have time to think about a guy if he's ALWAYS in your face? Instead of being patient and letting you warm up to him on your own time frame, he's trying to rush the process. I mean the guy seems like he's head over heels after only 4-5 dates. It takes a lot longer to develop true feelings IMO. If I were giving him advice, I'd tell him to back off a bit. Let you initiate texts more, and that's when he makes plans with you. Not texting and trying to make plans on a daily basis because you're feeling a bit smothered. Edited July 24, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Author paigej91 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Some couples do feel butterflies fireworks and sparks.... If it ain't there at the first kiss or first two dates then fireworks and intense chemistry never manifest. .... This may segway into a more theoretical discussion, but does this need to be present in order for a relationship to fully blossom and be successful? I've only ever dated men who I've had that intense chemistry with. I'm very used to this being present in a man I like. I'm open to exploring this specific case, but I also don't want to waste my time/emotional energy if it's just going to be a waste in the end. I typically try to calculate as much as I possibly can before making the jump (hence long periods of dating), and this [intense chemistry] seems like an important factor that could cause issues long-term.
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