How long does it take to fall out of love?

[sunglasses]

How old are you?

 

We were 25/26.

[Her Bridges]

We were 25/26.

 

You and I are the same age.

 

What is it you want to do about the rut you're in?

[sunglasses]

I want to get out.

[d0nnivain]

You get through this the same way everybody else survives the heart break in their lives -- one day at a time. It's hard. It sucks. It's disruptive but it is survivable.

 

She may be the best thing that ever happened to you to date, but you are still young & you have your whole life ahead of you. Something better is out there. You simply have to heal from this, learn from it & move forward, which is easier said then done.

 

Have you taken the basic steps yet? If not,

 

1. Block her on all social media.

 

2. Box up all mementos & reminders. Save digital pictures to a thumb drive or a cloud but get them out of your immediate sight.

 

3. Rearrange your living space -- move a chair, get some new throw pillows. Paint. Do something, almost anything just so it's different & not permeated by memories of her.

 

4. Do something for yourself -- join a gym, take a class, work over time.

 

5. Surround yourself with positive people who know what happened & who will love & support you.

[CarrieT]

I want to get out.

 

Then understand that you have only begun to experience a fourth or fifth of your entire life and that to make it fulfilling, you can't rely on happiness coming from another human being.

 

You will love again; bigger, better, brighter, and more complete.

 

We have all been there - especially at that age - and can attest to the fact that love does happen again.

[sunglasses]

Then understand that you have only begun to experience a fourth or fifth of your entire life and that to make it fulfilling, you can't rely on happiness coming from another human being.

 

You will love again; bigger, better, brighter, and more complete.

 

We have all been there - especially at that age - and can attest to the fact that love does happen again.

 

I know all those things logically. But they all just seem like words to me right now. It doesn't make me feel better.

[sunglasses]

You get through this the same way everybody else survives the heart break in their lives -- one day at a time. It's hard. It sucks. It's disruptive but it is survivable.

 

She may be the best thing that ever happened to you to date, but you are still young & you have your whole life ahead of you. Something better is out there. You simply have to heal from this, learn from it & move forward, which is easier said then done.

 

Have you taken the basic steps yet? If not,

 

1. Block her on all social media.

 

2. Box up all mementos & reminders. Save digital pictures to a thumb drive or a cloud but get them out of your immediate sight.

 

3. Rearrange your living space -- move a chair, get some new throw pillows. Paint. Do something, almost anything just so it's different & not permeated by memories of her.

 

4. Do something for yourself -- join a gym, take a class, work over time.

 

5. Surround yourself with positive people who know what happened & who will love & support you.

 

A complicating factor is that we've been long distance for the past few years. It makes some things easier (like, my living space is not permeated by memories of her), but other things much harder (I don't really have people here that I can surround myself with, especially who know what happened).

[d0nnivain]

A complicating factor is that we've been long distance for the past few years. It makes some things easier (like, my living space is not permeated by memories of her), but other things much harder (I don't really have people here that I can surround myself with, especially who know what happened).

 

So make some new friends while you are out doing things for yourself. Reach out to your old buddies. Perhaps invite 1-2 to come visit you.

[aloneinaz]

You make it sound like I'm choosing to go through this. And belittling the fact that she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

 

There's absolutely NO intent to belittle you. I'm trying to point out that YOUR CHOOSING to play the same, depressing sound track in your mind, over and over.. You last statement reinforces that point. If she was the best thing that ever happened to you, YOU'D still be with her!

 

 

You have to make a choice my friend. You posting here asking for help in how to move on. You're getting excellent responses from many people. It's going to be hard. We all agree. You have to keep moving and pushing yourself to move forward. Take it day by day, hour by hour, if necessary.

 

 

Don't lose sight that what you're thinking in your noggin is what's making you feel rotten. Look up cognitive thinking. It's a medical fact. If you wake up saying "I'm so miserable without her", you're going to be miserable. If you wake up and say "I'm going to be fine. Today is a new day", you're feel immensely better.

[Chi townD]

You wrote that keeping busy wasn't working because they are temporary distractions. Well, then they ARE working. You need to keep busy. VERY busy. Temporary distractions keep you from thinking about her all day long.

 

 

I'd take about 6 hours of distractions over 8 hours of pining over her any day of the week. You said you hit rock bottom and it's only getting worse. Here's the rub, we are in charge of our own happiness. It's up to you to find things you enjoy doing and do them.

[mightycpa]

A complicating factor is that we've been long distance for the past few years. It makes some things easier (like, my living space is not permeated by memories of her), but other things much harder (I don't really have people here that I can surround myself with, especially who know what happened).

Maybe you can think about it this way:

 

The day before you broke up, you were perfectly happy without her being there with you. When you got out of bed, she wasn't there. When you ate your breakfast, she wasn't there. When you went to work, she didn't kiss you goodbye. etc., etc., etc.

 

Basically your real life hasn't changed a great deal except that you don't get your daily texts and you've been informed that this person won't be texting or talking to you daily.

 

The best thing that's ever happpened to you? C'mon. There's barely any impact on your actual, daily life. If you got a few texts today that said something like:

 

Hi sweetie, just wanted to say how much I love you! Have a good day!

your life would be exactly the same as it was before she dumped you. That's not much of a change.

 

You were comforted by the fact that she was out there somewhere for you. Now she's not, and your barely changed life is now somehow unbearable. It doesn't make any sense. Think about that, and you'll see what I mean.

 

Go find yourself a nice girl that you can touch in the morning when you wake up, and for whom you can pour milk into her cereal. That will be a whole lot better than what you had, if only you'd let it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Join the military or better yet, the French Foreign Legion. That will take your mind off her.

[CarrieT]

EDIT: If it's relevant we were both mid 20s.

VERY relevant, and I can explain why scientifically.

 

Based on studies from the Children's Hospital in Boston, scientists used to think human brain development was pretty complete by age 10.

 

But it's not. To begin with, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected.

 

The nerve cells that connect teenagers' frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. Teenagers don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area.

 

Think of it as insulation on an electrical wire. Nerves need myelin for nerve signals to flow freely. Spotty or thin myelin leads to inefficient communication between one part of the brain and another.

 

Until about the 28th year, neither of you are yet at that place where you thinking about — or capable, necessarily, of thinking about the effects of your behavior has on other people. That requires insight.

 

And insight requires — that's right — a fully connected frontal lobe.

 

We oldies call it half-baked brain syndrome but those of us that experienced it - and seen it in others - KNOW that late in the 20s, when the frontal lobe completes its connections, the person sort of "gels" into who they are and what they want.

 

Until then, all bets are off. It also explains why many, many relationships that begin in the early 20s don't survive into the 30s. People change too much during those years.

[sunglasses]

There's absolutely NO intent to belittle you. I'm trying to point out that YOUR CHOOSING to play the same, depressing sound track in your mind, over and over.. You last statement reinforces that point. If she was the best thing that ever happened to you, YOU'D still be with her!

 

 

You have to make a choice my friend. You posting here asking for help in how to move on. You're getting excellent responses from many people. It's going to be hard. We all agree. You have to keep moving and pushing yourself to move forward. Take it day by day, hour by hour, if necessary.

 

 

Don't lose sight that what you're thinking in your noggin is what's making you feel rotten. Look up cognitive thinking. It's a medical fact. If you wake up saying "I'm so miserable without her", you're going to be miserable. If you wake up and say "I'm going to be fine. Today is a new day", you're feel immensely better.

 

This sounds like you're saying "hmm you're sad, have you tried being happy instead?" which sounds useless to me. If my arm were broken, you wouldn't say "hmm your arm is broken, have you tried having it not be broken instead?"

[sunglasses]

Maybe you can think about it this way:

 

The day before you broke up, you were perfectly happy without her being there with you. When you got out of bed, she wasn't there. When you ate your breakfast, she wasn't there. When you went to work, she didn't kiss you goodbye. etc., etc., etc.

 

Basically your real life hasn't changed a great deal except that you don't get your daily texts and you've been informed that this person won't be texting or talking to you daily.

 

The best thing that's ever happpened to you? C'mon. There's barely any impact on your actual, daily life. If you got a few texts today that said something like:

 

your life would be exactly the same as it was before she dumped you. That's not much of a change.

 

You were comforted by the fact that she was out there somewhere for you. Now she's not, and your barely changed life is now somehow unbearable. It doesn't make any sense. Think about that, and you'll see what I mean.

 

Go find yourself a nice girl that you can touch in the morning when you wake up, and for whom you can pour milk into her cereal. That will be a whole lot better than what you had, if only you'd let it.

 

Just because she wasn't physically with me doesn't mean she wasn't a huge part of my life and the future we were both planning together. My life is not exactly the same. I have no one to talk to when I come home. When I think about my future, it's empty. When I want to talk about something, I have no idea to talk to. There's all all big differences in my life that aren't predicated on having someone physically with me.

[mightycpa]

Just because she wasn't physically with me doesn't mean she wasn't a huge part of my life and the future we were both planning together. My life is not exactly the same. I have no one to talk to when I come home. When I think about my future, it's empty. When I want to talk about something, I have no idea to talk to. There's all all big differences in my life that aren't predicated on having someone physically with me.

See, this is good. It is the beginning of the self-reflection you're going to need to do. Of course this is difficult. It won't be easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be done. If you're looking for a magic trick or a pill to make you happy all of a sudden, it doesn't exist. If you're just complaining, I suppose you're entitled to do that for a while, but don't spend too long there.

 

I'm going to help you get started with leaving your defeatest mindset behind. Let's examine what you wrote, and examine your specific complaints:

 

1. I have no one to talk to when I come home.
   
2. When I think about my future, it's empty.
   
3. When I want to talk about something, I have no idea [who] to talk to.
   

Everything else was explaining your circumstances, and how they were different. These were the things that YOU focused on, unprompted. Apparently, this is what is important to you. Your list tells me things about you, and you should examine why you picked these particular things. You will learn a lot about yourself if you take some time to reflect on what's really bothering you. I will point out that none of what you complained about first requires someone that loves you, or even a girlfriend. Observe:

 

 

1. Sounds like you need a pal, or a couple of them. Have any interests? Enjoy them, and meet the people associated with them. Don't have any interests? Sad. Try something new. Don't go home; go to a bar, or go to a club meeting. Join a sports team. Take a class. Play XBox online (no, bad idea, scratch that). Stretch outside your small comfort zone. Make friends. Then you'll have people you can talk to.
   
2. You have an empty future? Wow, blank slate! How many people get that? That's opportunity knocking. Maybe you could travel, or move. Maybe you can try to get a promotion or get a (second?) degree. Maybe start a business? Maybe keep your existing plans, but leave that second spot open for someone else to fill. Your future is not empty. It's just a little different, or if you want, it can be a lot different.
   
3. See #1.
   

The glass is only as empty as you make it. You can't do all this at once; but you need to do something, take a step that's different for you. Also, take some time to learn how to be honest with yourself. It is not as easy as you think it would be. Then, challenge your own thoughts. Drill down to see what's underneath. Also not easy. You'll probably find some stuff you don't like. Growth. Opportunity for real change. Take it.

 

I have one more suggestion to make. Right now, you have all of these breakup brain chemicals coursing through your system. You are experiencing a form of dependence withdrawal, which can be agonizing. Some people get therapy, which does not affect brain chemistry, but teaches you how to be honest with yourself, which is one of the first steps in dealing with an emotional problem. Other people take depression drugs, which does affect your brain chemistry. Try to avoid both of these things. I would suggest that you exercise yourself to exhaustion, 6 days a week. Running is particularly good, because your brain starts to secrete the most "feel good" chemicals when you run, and it lasts all day. These brain chemicals will counteract the effect of your breakup brain chemicals, and you'll feel better. Lots better. And soon, you'll look better, and attract new friends and better looking women. Win-win-win-win-win. Do this, for sure.

 

Now's the time to see what you're made of, my friend. Don't get all bogged down in sorrow. Climb your way out of the abyss, and one day, when you look back, you'll see it was just a tiny little crack in your life. Trust me on this, you're like the 110 Billionth person to ever experience this in the history of man. It is a rite of passage.

[sunglasses]

1) I recently moved, so I'm fairly new to the area. That being said, I have made friends around here. Except it's a far cry from "friend" to someone I feel comfortable talking to about anything, including my fears and insecurities. There's a reason that she was my girlfriend - I felt like I could talk to her about anything, and now that I've lost that there's no one that I can go to instead.

 

2) It's funny how you think by future I meant my career. When I think of my future, or at least when I used to, I saw a family. A house together. Kids. Being together and happy. Not necessarily my career.

 

3) See #1. I have people I can talk to about things, like what I'm up to, or sports teams that I root for, or things like that. But I don't have anyone whose shoulder I could cry on. That's what I meant.

 

Why avoid therapy/medication? I'm not saying I want those things right now, but it seems like avoiding them might do more harm than good in the long run.

 

I exercise fairly frequently. I just can't run around 24/7 - eventually I have to come home, and then I get surrounded by my thoughts again.

[sunglasses]

I thought I was getting better... but for a while now every day feels harder than the one before it. I don't know what else to do.