Guest Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 My husband had an affair during our separation. We both decided to try to work on rebuilding the marriage but continued to stay seperated. He went to counseling and so did I but not together as I moved away. I figured if the marriage was meant to be he would come to where I was because I wasn't going to live in the same city as the OW. Well, we have had our arguements here and there and several times he has threatened me to have an affair or leave me for some other woman because I complain about him spending so much money (we are broke, we can't afford to do anything anymore and have to file bankruptcy and we don't even own our own home anymore! He racked the credit card bills up when we were separated). Anyhow, his threatening to leave me or have an affair is wrong! I refuse to drop to my knees and beg for his forgiveness and not to have an affair. I wont let him treat me like a doormat anymore (b4 the affair I put up w/ a lot of s*** from him and I wont do it anymore and he knew this b4 I took him back). Plz don't recommend MC b/c we can't afford it. Is there any self help books anyone recommends? I can't do this anymore. I love him but I'm so tired of the threats.
nugirl Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Read your own post. While doing so, pretend as though you paln to give advice and you are not the woman who wrote the post. Now as yourself a few questions. 1) Does this man seem mature? 2) Does this man seem committed? 3) Does this man see selfish? 4) Does this man seem worried about the feelings of his spouse? 5) Does anyone deserve to be with someone who threatens to have an affair? I think that you can find the answer by giving your own advice. Good Luck.
jmargel Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 You can read all the relationship books that you want but unless he wants this marriage to work then those books are of no use. His threatening to have an affair is just his immaturity, just like him racking up the credit card bills. He's not owning upto any responsibility. He can't have remorse for what he did especially since he's threatening you with the same thing again! These are very obvisious red flags. It's time for you to start doing things for yourself and get your financial orders straightened out without him. He seems very stubborn and is only happy when things go his way. That's not a marriage. A marriage is 100/100 on both sides. Not where he can spend money he doesn't have, push you into bankrupcy and then threaten to cheat on you if you voice your concern. Good chance that him and possibily you are both in a depression due to all the stress you've encountered. I don't want to put more bad news onto you but a law was just passed that credit cards can't just be 'forgiven' in a bankrupcy. You have to go through a payment plan. It's obvious from the things you've mentioned on here that his behavior is a repeating one. I have a saying which is true here: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again, expecting different results". You need to set some boundaries and ground rules and explain this to him. In which one is to never threaten to have an affair or leave when something doesn't go his way. If he doesn't want to follow this list of needs that you have then it's time to move on.
Guest Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 QUOTE]Originally posted by nugirl Read your own post. While doing so, pretend as though you paln to give advice and you are not the woman who wrote the post. Now as yourself a few questions. 1) Does this man seem mature? No, he doesn't. If he doesn't get his way, he pouts like a baby and ignores me. Sometimes he even ignores our children. 2) Does this man seem committed? I don't think he seems committed if he keeps saying things like "I was happy when I was back with her", or separated from me. 3) Does this man see selfish?Oh gosh, selfish is his middle name. He is an only child and what he wanted, he got and he still thinks he needs to get anything he wants whether it hurts us financially or not. His aunt died and I mentioned that our son has no nice dress pants for the funeral and we had no money to get him some. The first words out of my H's mouth was "Well, I don't have a suit!!!" and he was pi$$ed!! He has plenty of dress pants and shirts b/c he has to wear them to work. There is no reason why he can't wear those to the funeral. See? Only thought of himself here too. 4) Does this man seem worried about the feelings of his spouse? Oh he!! no. Not that often. If he says something mean or yells at me he hardly ever says he is sorry. Once in awhile he will but he will get in those moods where he doesn't care if he hurts me. He never thinks before he spouts off at the mouth. 5) Does anyone deserve to be with someone who threatens to have an affair? NO!!! And he denies that he said he would find someone else if I didn't change my attitude. Maybe I do nag about money all the time, but when he is spending $50 on golf balls and we can't afford to pay our credit cards ( I pay the ones in my name on time, but he wont pays his). The credit cards I have in my name were there before the separation and most of the charges where made by him. I may have charged a couple times to get clothes (maybe $100 worth, if that) and a dinette table because I didn't have one when I moved out so I needed one and that was $300. I am tired of his irresponsiblity when it comes to money. He just had to order stupid WWE (or whatever) and that was $50!! He says "But it's only once a year." UGH! That money could go towards food or clothes for me, or the kids. He has 3/4 of the closet full of his clothes. I have only a small part of it and I practically have to jam them in the closet because he has so many clothes. He also has two dresser full of t-shirts not to mention the ones he has boxed up and refuses to get rid of. I love H, I do, but he is a selfish, inconsiderate jerk! Oh, and I forgot to mention it cost him $300 a year to golf, and $300 for season baseball tickets! ERRRR! It just ticks me off thinking about it! Our insurance policy is due next month and we don't have the 20% to put down on it. The list goes on and on. He told me when he got this new job (not even making $8.00 an hour as a dept manager) he was going to get a second job. He has been at his job since Feb and hasn't even bothered applying for a second job. I am sick of it. I can't take it anymore. All of our marriage problem is about money. If he wouldn't spend so much and we had more, maybe I would bitch so much. Thank you both for your reply. I have a lot of thinking to do.
geeeli Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 You already agreed to be his doormat by taking him back after he cheating on you once before. Even though you were separated, you were still married and there was a chance at working things out. He knows you depend on him and are desperate to keep him. Only way you can show him you mean business, is by telling him to go. Throw him out. And if he doesn't come back (likely he will be crawling back), then you don't need him anyways. YOU DON'T NEED HIM!
wanting to heal Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Show him the door. Get on with your life. Threatening to have an affair is about as immature as it gets. ...Especially when he has done it before. I just hope that he hooks up with someone who is single so that he does not ruin another marriage. Good luck to you. Stand up for yourself.
933KJL Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 A man who loves you does not throw threats around! I think you know your answer
guest Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Hi again! I totally forgot I posted this until I came to LS to check out post. TY all for the replies. Things have gotten better. We had a long talk and I told him how it hurts and upsets me when he threatens to have an A again. I told him if he serious about having another A then I want to know. I told him if there was another woman he was interested in to let me know so I could hire a lawyer and get a divorce. I told him I will no longer live in a M where I am afraid he will go out and screw someone because we aren't getting along. I told him to leave if he has any thoughts about having another A so I can get on with my life and find a man who will treat me with love and respect. 933KJL , geeeli, wanting to heal: I have tired kicking him out of the house several times after I posted this. He refused to leave. If things start getting bad again how the he!! do I get him to leave if he wont? I don't think I can call the police to have him get out because there is no abuse. don't know what to do. When I wanted him to leave so badly he refused to go. Like I said, things have improved but for how long I have no idea. If things get bad again and I tell him to leave and he wont, WTH do I do?
933KJL Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 Maybe it is best for you to leave. A good friend of mine is moving out with her two little kids today. Her hubby is a drinker and barfs on himself and on the floor when he gets tanked up. He is not terribly involved in their kids' lives, and she had enough. In june, she told him that if it had not changed by the end of the summer, she was going to move out and not come back till it was better. She picked up the keys to an apartment yesterday and is moving tomorrow. It will be tough, but he knows exactly what he needs to do to get her back. She did not threaten divorce--yet, but simply that she was not going to live with a man like that.
Guest Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by 933KJL Maybe it is best for you to leave. A good friend of mine is moving out with her two little kids today. Her hubby is a drinker and barfs on himself and on the floor when he gets tanked up. He is not terribly involved in their kids' lives, and she had enough. In june, she told him that if it had not changed by the end of the summer, she was going to move out and not come back till it was better. She picked up the keys to an apartment yesterday and is moving tomorrow. It will be tough, but he knows exactly what he needs to do to get her back. She did not threaten divorce--yet, but simply that she was not going to live with a man like that. thanks for the reply but I refuse to move out and let him stay here. I moved out of our home when he filed for the D and had the A and he moved back in once I moved. My sister found me a cute home in the country. I LOVE it out here. I have always wanted to live in the country again, it's been my dream since I was a teenager so I refuse to move out from some place I love. And besides, I rent this place and the lease is under my name, my H's name is not on the lease b/c we were going through a D when I moved into this place. It makes since to move out but I refuse to b/c I love it here and I refuse to give it up. I guess if it gets too bad I will call my dad, brother's, and my BIL to come get him out of here. Legally, he has no ties to this house and I have the say in if he stays or goes since my name is on the lease, right? If the police/sheriff wont make him leave I will have no other choice but to get my family involved and I know H wont want that. I just hope it doesn't come down to that again. I want us to be happy, I do love him, but his threats need to stop. I am sorry about your friend. I know how what she is going through. My H was also a big drinker and would come home almost every night drunk. He never puked but I can remember several times where he came close and the noises he made in his sleep made ME want to puke. There was times he even got up in the middle of the night thinking he was in the bathroom and would pee in the corner of the bedroom!!! The last straw of his drinking was when he took the kids out to one of his sporting events (I couldn't go, had job training) and drove them home totally trashed. I told him he either quits drinking or me and the kids were going to leave and not come back. That was his last night of drinking. He has been sober for almost 3 years.
RecordProducer Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by Guest I wasn't going to live in the same city as the OW. The city is too small for the two of you? Hope you won't think that this planet is too small also cuz jails are even smaller! (Just a little bit of humor to cheer you up!) Now serious... you sound like you both want to work on your marriage. It's good, but be aware that sometimes marriages don't work out no matter how much you try. And the reason why I am telling you this is because you need to know that you might lose him and thus try harder to succeed. The best way to straight things out is to bend over. If your partner appreciates that and does the same, basically the whole thing is half solved. Don't pay attention to his threats so much. And do take them personally, not as his desire to be with OW. He is bitter and resentful and wants revenge or just to move on and be happy. The bankruptcy is a huge problem but it shouldn't interefere with your love (if any left). The biggest problem is that you said you had to put up with a lot of sh*t from him in the past and obviously he would return the compliment as he already stated his disappoinment in your marriage. There are probably lots of books and online literature about marriages. I am not a marriage counselor, but I will be so humble to refer you to my post (just so that I don't have to re-type my thoughts here).http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=563740#post563740
mopar crazy Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer The city is too small for the two of you? Hope you won't think that this planet is too small also cuz jails are even smaller! (Just a little bit of humor to cheer you up!) Now serious... you sound like you both want to work on your marriage. It's good, but be aware that sometimes marriages don't work out no matter how much you try. And the reason why I am telling you this is because you need to know that you might lose him and thus try harder to succeed. The best way to straight things out is to bend over. If your partner appreciates that and does the same, basically the whole thing is half solved. Don't pay attention to his threats so much. And do take them personally, not as his desire to be with OW. He is bitter and resentful and wants revenge or just to move on and be happy. The bankruptcy is a huge problem but it shouldn't interefere with your love (if any left). The biggest problem is that you said you had to put up with a lot of sh*t from him in the past and obviously he would return the compliment as he already stated his disappoinment in your marriage. There are probably lots of books and online literature about marriages. I am not a marriage counselor, but I will be so humble to refer you to my post (just so that I don't have to re-type my thoughts here).http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=563740#post563740 RP, thanks for posting that for guest. I even went and read up on it, made a lot of sense. Like guest, my H also mentioned at one time that he was happy w/ the exOW b/c she didn't nag, or bitch about being broke, like I do. Of course she didn't bitch and nag about being broke, they didn't share children, a home, bills, ect. Anyhow, I am w/ guest on this not wanting to live in the same town as the OW. I met H in the same town where I went to college. We lived there since we met until he had the A and I also moved away. The town we lived in was not very big, about 13,000 ppl. I didn't want to live in the same town as the OW. I knew if I continually seen her the more angrier I would get each time I seen her. I also moved away to get support from my family. Since we still have a lot of friends there we go down there to visit. I seen the exOW at the bar almost a year after he ended the A w/ her. All I could do was give her dirty looks. She wouldn't even look at me. If I seen her today, I would just avoid her. I certaintly wouldn't want to be friends w/ her again that is for sure. To guest, I hope your H continues to improve on his behavior. He sounds pretty similiar to what my H acted like b4 we were seperated and that is why I made him go to IC b4 I even thought about taking him back. I know finances are tight for you, they are here too, but if things get better for you I would suggest MC. H and I want to find a church to go to and go through MC w/ the minister but we have yet to find a church we like. If you are a member of a church maybe you can talk to the minister and get some MC. GL and read RP's post she put in her reply to you.
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