In Turmoil

[dorkyloner]

I travelled to another city to take a ten month course to prep for an exam. After a couple of months I realised that a girl in my class had been looking askance quite frequently. I mustered courage and sat next to her one fine day. We hit it off and she became a good friend in no time. It was smooth sailing for a month after which she cut-off all contact with me for no reason. We were in the same class but she ignored me like a stranger:confused:. I did make an effort to inquire as to what could have gone amiss but she wouldn't speak at all. Six months passed and I was about to return home upon the completion of my classes. I received a message from her on facebook apologising for her unacceptable behaviour. I replied stating we could still be friends because I really liked her and believed we could still be a thing:rolleyes: I subsequently called her and we met and spoke at length. The last few days before I came home were all spent in her company. During this while, I became aware that it was her old friend (who no longer remained a friend btw) on whose 'instructions' she had started ignoring me. Also, she was in a relationship with another guy in this while who turned out to be cheater and merely 'used' her! I was empathetic and consoled her. Tried to make her understand that it wasn't the end of the world and that she should not give up on the idea of love because of her misadventure. She even asked me if I liked her (I really had made it quite obvious with my behaviour) and I didn't quite give a clear-cut answer to that, but in my mind, I was convinced that something was destined to happen.

 

Eventually I left that city and returned home. We were in constant touch via texting and even on the phone for entire nights on together. She was quite forthcoming with all that she had to seemingly endure. I heard her out each time patiently and always urged her to move forward and not dwell on what had happened previously. I kept her in good humour and did all that i could to make her happy. This included meeting her favourite author who was in my city and then requesting him to record a personalised message wishing her success. She was over the moon when I mailed her the video and even my joy knew no bounds.

 

As we talked and got to knew each other, things became serious and she said that she loved me. Initially it was fun and games, but I let her know that I was in it for the long haul and did genuinely love her. She agreed that we could pursue a relationship and it happened. I was quite happy initially but it did feel like i had prioritised her way more than she prioritised me. We spoke mostly when it was convenient for her and she was notorious for her delayed replies to my texts, citing excuses each time. I lost it briefly and conveyed to her that I just didn't feel that she loved me because merely stating it isn't enough, sometimes you need to feel the love as well. That didn't dent our bonding and we sustained for a month before another argument over a similar set of issues erupted and she said it'd be better if we didn't speak at all, ever. She then, unfriended me on facebook after a couple of days. This enraged me and I also deleted her contact from my phone and blocked her on fb. After a fortnight, I thought maybe, I should reach out to her because I just couldn't get her out of my mind. I mailed her seeking reconciliation and she didn't reply. Didn't pick up my calls either. The next day I mailed her and called her to find out that she had blocked my number. So I mailed her stating that I wouldn't try and contact her since she doesn't want anything to do with me. She replied, and her mail said that we can't be anything other than friends cause we are different and it wouldn't work out. So, I composed a thoroughly long email detailing how we could be together and that she should reconsider. She still hasn't replied to my mail and my number is still blocked. I am at a loss to understand what mistake did I make to have deserved such harsh treatment. I did all that I could to make her realise that I loved her. Wrote poems, letters with all my heart and always appreciated all that I liked about her. She, on the other hand was quite temperamental. She became passive-aggressive when it suited her and also meted out the silent treatment because she didn't feel like talking to me.

 

What would be the ideal course of action in such a scenario? Is it worth pursuing even a friendship with her(something I have my doubts upon)? If I could have done anything differently, what could it be? I feel lost...and somewhat heartbroken.

 

P.S - She even lied to me about her age initially. she said she was 22, same as me but I did find out that she was 24. Seemingly this bothered her more than it bothered me.

Edited July 20, 2015 by dorkyloner

[empresario]

I'm going to suggest a few things, here.

 

1. When someone is over it, they are over it.

 

I am assuming we are hearing your side of the bias. So, I'm going to assume her ignoring you was a result of you being a little too persistent about things. Can we agree on that?

 

Here's the thing. When someone goes NC (no contact) they rarely, if never, break radio silence. When someone has decided to take that step...they are sure things will never work out. And even if she wanted to try, would it really be worth it? Would it ever be the same? The power dynamic would be very messed up.

 

2. You are a nice guy

 

You are genuinely very intelligent. I can tell by the way you write. You also, overtly, seem to be participating in 'covert contracts'. This means you are trying to get what you want in a relationship by being a nice guy and doing good things. This never works.

 

Read the book 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and see if the first section/chapter rings true. If it does, keep reading. It changed my life when I was about your age.

 

3. Time WILL heal you

 

This is not the end. I think, for you, the most frustrating part is never feeling as though you got true closure. You will have to get over that. You will. Universally people recover from breakups no matter how severe. Time is the ultimate Band-Aid.

 

4. Even if she comes back to you, she's a liar and a manipulator

 

I've dated one before. It was the worst decision of my life. She manipulated me, lied to me, and took me for everything I was worth. And I have an IQ of 150! It can happen to anyone. Someone that lies about something as trivial as their age has a lot of skeletons in their closet.

 

I question that some guy 'used her'. That's probably a lie. She probably was dating a lot. I also, if I were a betting man, would assume you found out she was lying more than about a couple years of her age and who she was seeing. But you are probably still protecting her. That's part of the manipulation.

 

---

 

We are here for you as a community but the simple fact is you will have to get over it...as simple as it sounds when you write it (I know it's not). Check out the book I mentioned. Pick up an extra hobby or two. I promise it will get easier.

[dorkyloner]

I'm going to suggest a few things, here.

 

1. When someone is over it, they are over it.

 

I am assuming we are hearing your side of the bias. So, I'm going to assume her ignoring you was a result of you being a little too persistent about things. Can we agree on that?

 

Here's the thing. When someone goes NC (no contact) they rarely, if never, break radio silence. When someone has decided to take that step...they are sure things will never work out. And even if she wanted to try, would it really be worth it? Would it ever be the same? The power dynamic would be very messed up.

 

2. You are a nice guy

 

You are genuinely very intelligent. I can tell by the way you write. You also, overtly, seem to be participating in 'covert contracts'. This means you are trying to get what you want in a relationship by being a nice guy and doing good things. This never works.

 

Read the book 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and see if the first section/chapter rings true. If it does, keep reading. It changed my life when I was about your age.

 

3. Time WILL heal you

 

This is not the end. I think, for you, the most frustrating part is never feeling as though you got true closure. You will have to get over that. You will. Universally people recover from breakups no matter how severe. Time is the ultimate Band-Aid.

 

4. Even if she comes back to you, she's a liar and a manipulator

 

I've dated one before. It was the worst decision of my life. She manipulated me, lied to me, and took me for everything I was worth. And I have an IQ of 150! It can happen to anyone. Someone that lies about something as trivial as their age has a lot of skeletons in their closet.

 

I question that some guy 'used her'. That's probably a lie. She probably was dating a lot. I also, if I were a betting man, would assume you found out she was lying more than about a couple years of her age and who she was seeing. But you are probably still protecting her. That's part of the manipulation.

 

---

 

We are here for you as a community but the simple fact is you will have to get over it...as simple as it sounds when you write it (I know it's not). Check out the book I mentioned. Pick up an extra hobby or two. I promise it will get easier.

Thanks for such an insightful reply! Maybe I was a bit too persistent but she ignored for fun. It was always very iffy while dealing with her. Maybe she dated a lot, I would never know. I just cannot absorb all that she had to say without a pinch of salt and all at face value. She might reply to my mail but am now convinced that there really isn't anything worth getting back for. It just isn't viable emotionally or otherwise.

 

I have a lot to do in my life. Being stuck with her in my head is not really an option for me at this stage. I have an important exam coming up in less than a month and my prep has been scarce. I have ended up sabotaging myself over her. I won't jeopardise my goals and ambitions for her any longer. I will have to erase her and move forward somehow, anyhow.

 

I would surely read the book that you've suggested as and when I can find time. Thank You once again for such a thoughtful reply.

[xcupid]

Sounds like you dodged one here. Move on and chalk this one up to experience. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

My guess is that her ex is back in the picture and she doesn't want those two worlds colliding. Don't bother pursuing even a friendship with her; it's clear she doesn't want it.

[dorkyloner]

Sounds like you dodged one here. Move on and chalk this one up to experience. Good luck.

Yes, dodged it for good I guess. Am a bit wiser now. Thanks! :-)

[dorkyloner]

My guess is that her ex is back in the picture and she doesn't want those two worlds colliding. Don't bother pursuing even a friendship with her; it's clear she doesn't want it.

Could be the case. We will never know for sure though!