drade Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) Hello all. It's been a seven weeks since my breakup, and three weeks since I started NC. Long story short, I ruined a great relationship with an amazing person. I betrayed my ex by flirting with another girl via text, stating I was unhappy and I wanted her. My ex dumped me. My ex played the friend card for a month. As some of you may recall, she punished me with teasing sexually, telling her what her plans were for the summer, meeting up with me to "talk" which resulted in her kissing me and my neck, touching me...etc.. When I told her I didn't want to be friends, she got very upset. So I allowed myself to be punished for a month, until I completely cut off contact, due to my sanity being jeopardized / me acting like a pleading, pathetic little girl. My ex and I grew up in the same town, like most of our life. We share tons of friends. My ex is really an amazing person, she did so much for me, she was the first girl I ever trusted (I have been cheated on in every other relationship). My ex is out having a great time, being her old lively funny and loving self. Good for her, she is single and she should be able to live her life. But she's doing all these new things, without me, that she never use to do, and never liked to do : clubbing, going on boats,swimming all the time, etc. Yeah it bothers me, but I understand the importance of enjoying yourself, and these things allow your mind to escape the betrayal and heartache of what I caused her. So it's been a long, bad three weeks of no contact. I haven't been happy, I have cried, but a lot less compared to when she dumped me. I missed two weddings, that she invited me to, her sisters weddings.... I 111000% regret what I did, the weddings looked phenomenal, and these experiences would have really brought my ex and I to a new level... I guess I am just trying to say is that I really miss her, she was a phenomenal fit for me, I fantasize about her, and the life we were going to live. I miss hanging out with her and my friends, I miss her bringing me out of my comfort zone, and doing things I hsold have been doing all my life. I really hurt someones feelings, someone who didn't do one bad thing to me. Yeah, I know, I have to accept it is over and live with my mistake. But I did love her, things just weren't good for those few weeks that I seeked attention. I should have communicated with her, and been upfront. She wants me to be her friend, and wants me to be a part of her life. But I would end up having to hide from her sisters and family that we hang out vise versa. It's sad; I offered to apologize to her sisters, to be a grown man and take account for my actions, and to thank them for everything they have done for me. But she wouldn't let me. Everytime I hear her (which is rarely), or see her (which is even more rare), I crumble up inside and hurt. I've lost a good amount of weight, gone out and met new people, started picking up some dirty habits but intend to drop them at the end of the month. This relationship has been WAAY harder to get over vs any of my long term relationships. Why? Because I hurt someone, I ruined it, not the other person. And I am a person who is very loyal, cherishes integrity, and is always committed. But my actions prove otherwise, and I get that. I had a weak moment in life, made a huge mistake, and now I must live and learn from it, which I am. But all I want to do is just reach out to her, but I told her I would when I am ready to, and she respects that (after one month of realizing what she was doing was selfish, and not good for my mental state). I don't think I could ever see or speak to her again, there is just something about her that pulls me in. I've dated, and have experience, and know there are other people out there. I am successful, young, and not the worst looking apple on the tree. But for some reason, my heart, and my mind, have an extremely forceful attraction physically and mentally to this individual. What is wrong with me? Why am I still obsessing, speculating? Why do I still think of what she is doing? I have to force myself to work weekends now, because I am aware of what she is doing through mutual friends (I told them not to bring it up ever again). She's so strong, so happy, has great things going for her, and has so many people in her lives outside our friendship circle. I'm over here battling situational vs. acute depression, hanging out with my friends, going out in the night life, all that stuff doesn't bring me one sense of pleasure. She knows I am weak, the last time she got upset with me she said she was still here to help if I need it, and to block her if that is what I need to get over her. She never helped in the breakup, she made things way worse, but thats how it goes. The way I look at it; she always helped in the relationship, 110%, so I know that's the person she really is. What I did to her, I deserve many of her actions post relationship.... What is wrong with me? I have done NC before, three times to be exact, and last THREE years!!!! I had the ability to just overt my mind and make my feelings cold towards those exs. But this girl, there is just something different. I really, really want to break NC, but I know that will do nothing for me. The ball was left in my court, I have the power to reach out, she doesn't, because I told her not to, and she respects that. She knows how much I was hurting, but if she still knew to this day, seven weeks after our relationship ended I am feeling the same way, I think she would be shocked... Edited July 20, 2015 by drade
54JA Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I'm so sorry to hear that you are still hurting. I read your original thread before. You have been doing great through. Despite what you are feeling, I think you are being strong. You are facing and dealing with what most of us would do anything to avoid. Hang in there. 3
Gus Grimly Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 We've all experienced what you are going through, some worse than others. You're not alone. You need to focus on NC, no matter how unbearable it may be. I struggled with my recent breakup a lot this past week. I'm just now starting to see the dark fog lift and I'm so glad I didn't break NC. You messed up, you destroyed your Ex's trust and I'm sure you are truly sorry. You can't change her mind. The only thing you can change is yourself. Focus on other things as much as you can. In time your obsession with your Ex WILL begin to diminish. But you must remain vigilant and stay strong and avoid any contact with your Ex. You can do it! 2
Satu Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) NC in itself has no healing effect. None whatsoever. But it does help to create a space where healing can occur. It does this by: 1. Preventing further hurt. 2. Preventing you being distracted by your ex. But you have to do things to actively promote the healing, such as counselling/therapy, bodywork/breathing, journalling, meditation, art therapy, music therapy, hypnotherapy, or whatever you feel drawn to. Follow your instincts. If a person just does NC and nothing else, they will still heal because nature has a way of healing us, but it will take much longer. Take care. Edited July 20, 2015 by Satu 3
aloneinaz Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 NC in itself has no healing effect. None whatsoever. But it does help to create a space where healing can occur. It does this by: 1. Preventing further hurt. 2. Preventing you being distracted by your ex. But you have to do things to actively promote the healing, such as counselling/therapy, bodywork/breathing, journalling, meditation, art therapy, music therapy, hypnotherapy, or whatever you feel drawn to. Follow your instincts. If a person just does NC and nothing else, they will still heal because nature has a way of healing us, but it will take much longer. Take care. This ^^^ When I went thru this 2 plus years ago, what helped me get through it the fastest was- * NC, what so ever. I vanished from her life, blocked her on everything. Did no spying on social media (I couldn't, I blocked her) and avoided ANYWHERE I may run into her. * I kept myself busy and the only thing that made me feel better was TIME PASSING w/her out of sight, out of mind. * Time passing allowed me to heal and get my rational thoughts back. It allowed and reinforced I was much better off with her out of my life. After a while, I started dating again. A few months later, I met my now 2 year GF who's better in everyway. 4
Author drade Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Thank you all. It's definitely not easy, especially since we both live in a small town, so we know everyone, and are friends with most of the same people. I will continue no contact for obvious reasons, continue to engulf myself in work, and spend more time, as I have been, with my friends. I really do miss her, and would do anything in the world to regain her trust back as a potential partner, not friend (she claims she already trusts me as a friend, but not a bf). But she hasn't given me that opportunity, and has blatenly stated that I am not worth it, she doesn't have the energy / effort, and if she did, she's not sure she would necessarily want to start that process. It's really ****ty. I'm most upset about what I did, not so much loosing her and the relationship. I don't do things like that, I never had, my reputation has always been Mr. Nice Guy, and well I dented that due to my actions. But, I am young, and you live and you learn. I've never cheated, or even done a one night stand, nor could I ever. It just sucks that she had to be the person to experience this. It just sucks that, this really good relationship, had to be ruined by my actions this time around. At least i've gained some massive amounts of perspective and knowledge about what I need to work on, will work on, and continue to work on so my next relationship is solid, on my part. Like my ex always said "I am jealous for the next girl you meet." She's dam right on that one. 1
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 It just sucks that she had to be the person to experince this. It just sucks that, this really good relationship, had to be ruined by my actions this time around. At least i've gained some massive amounts of perspective and knowledge about what I need to work on, will work on, and continue to work on so my next relationship is solid, on my part. Like my ex always said "I am jealous for the next girl you meet." She's dam right on that one. The fact that you feel so much regret shows that you are a good person who acted out of character. You are still working your way through the pain, but you'll have to forgive your self eventually. That time hasn't come yet, but it must come in the fullness of time. Take care. 1
Author drade Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 The fact that you feel so much regret shows that you are a good person who acted out of character. You are still working your way through the pain, but you'll have to forgive your self eventually. That time hasn't come yet, but it must come in the fullness of time. Take care. Thank you Satu. I am a good person. I will forgive myself sooner than later. I've grown a lot since this breakup. I am more available to my friends, I put others first more often, i'm less self centered, and I am no longer self absorbed. There is a lot of life in other things than love. Surround yourself with good people, beautiful mother earth, take care of yourself, and succeed. Sometimes, our biggest regrets and mistakes turn into the greatest of successes. I do miss her and the love we once had. If it was true love, it will come back. If not, then that's life. I must continue to do what I am doing, a lot of my personal gains lately have been from the members on this forum, reading stories, learning about others has helped me reflect on myself. I am not close to indifference, but I am well on my way. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Drade, You're really beating yourself up FAR more than you need to.. It's not like you pulled what Tiger Woods did on his WIFE.. Put it in perspective. You feel bad, apologized and now bury it. There's NO benefit to wallowing in self pity over it. In the mean time, move on.. Stay no contact. Date when you can. She clearly believes she has ALL the power over you. Take that power away from her and vanish from her life. People make mistakes. You paid for yours and honestly, it was a sign that you were bored with her and the relationship was probably coming to an end anyway. You're young.. She doesn't want you anymore. Accept it. Go out and have fun. Lots of young girls out there that you'll do better with in the future. You need to sow your oats while your young and single. You won't be young long.. 1
Author drade Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 Hello all. I feel, so much better after cutting the contact cord thirty days ago. Of course I still have my moments of obsessively thinking about her, the what ifs, the I want her back, the what is she doing all that jazz. I've learned a lot about myself, my past relationship, and my ex girlfriend this past month. It really is true, space and silence allows you to look back at things in a more detailed manor. I miss my ex. Would I like to be back in a relationship with her ? Of course, but not as bad as I wanted to 30 days ago. I still have feelings for her. She's... a great person, who I do miss dearly in my life. However, the ball is in my court to re initiate contact (i told her I would call her when I AM ready to speak). She pulled the friend card post breakup, i was a fool and was toyed around for 30 days, and then I lost my sanity (begging, pleading, being... well weak) and I told my ex it's time I completely remove myself from her life. She once said she was excited to speak to the future me, to work on ourselves, and see where things end up in the future. For some reason, I want to contact her today. I am in this weird up and giddy mood. However, I always come to this site when I am thinking about messaging her. Yes I was dumped, yes I ruined the trust in what was our relationship. and yes she still wants me to be a part of her life, to relieve guilt, to keep tabs, who knows? I am so much stronger, wiser, think more clearly and analytically now. I can handle my emotions, spend more attention to reflecting on details, and THINK before I speak. My ACTIONS speak way louder than my words now.
aloneinaz Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Good job staying NC. It does indeed allow time and space to allow healing. There's no need to EVER break it either. Keep healing and move on to someone new when you're ready. Broken up relationships are also best to stay that way.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Hello all. I feel, so much better after cutting the contact cord thirty days ago. Of course I still have my moments of obsessively thinking about her, the what ifs, the I want her back, the what is she doing all that jazz. I've learned a lot about myself, my past relationship, and my ex girlfriend this past month. It really is true, space and silence allows you to look back at things in a more detailed manor. I miss my ex. Would I like to be back in a relationship with her ? Of course, but not as bad as I wanted to 30 days ago. I still have feelings for her. She's... a great person, who I do miss dearly in my life. However, the ball is in my court to re initiate contact (i told her I would call her when I AM ready to speak). She pulled the friend card post breakup, i was a fool and was toyed around for 30 days, and then I lost my sanity (begging, pleading, being... well weak) and I told my ex it's time I completely remove myself from her life. She once said she was excited to speak to the future me, to work on ourselves, and see where things end up in the future. For some reason, I want to contact her today. I am in this weird up and giddy mood. However, I always come to this site when I am thinking about messaging her. Yes I was dumped, yes I ruined the trust in what was our relationship. and yes she still wants me to be a part of her life, to relieve guilt, to keep tabs, who knows? I am so much stronger, wiser, think more clearly and analytically now. I can handle my emotions, spend more attention to reflecting on details, and THINK before I speak. My ACTIONS speak way louder than my words now. No, no, no. Trust me: if you have to ask, the answer is a definite No. Have you actually read, studied, understood and digested the No Contact Guide (See link in my signature)? The only time you should ever be OK contacting your ex is if, and when, you feel utterly, totally neutral about them. Imagine seeing her in the arms of another guy, kissing him passionately, while standing by the stroller with their baby in it. And you think "Meh, I'm happy for her....oh damn, need to buy some aubergines...." The comments (bolded) in the above post tell me you're fooling yourself. You are sooo kidding no-one when you say those things because you are one of many who after a single month, believe they can handle it. I've never met anyone who broke contact after just one month, who could. Even though they were adamant they could.... Read the Guide and do NOT - ever - Contact her. At. All. All this "I want to be friends" bullcrap is said to relieve them of their own guilt and make themselves feel better. Not you.
Chi townD Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Dude, you are not in true NC because you know WAY TOO MUCH about her life. You know that the wedding she went to was fantasic. You know that she's clubbing a lot more. You know she's boating. And you know that she's partying a lot more. That's is way too much information.
Author drade Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) Dude, you are not in true NC because you know WAY TOO MUCH about her life. You know that the wedding she went to was fantasic. You know that she's clubbing a lot more. You know she's boating. And you know that she's partying a lot more. That's is way too much information. Oh she told me all about the wedding back when it happened. That was fun to listen to, not! That was when we were in contact. Yes, the rest of what you said is true. I know way to much. Why? Because mutual friends didn't respect my wishes at first when I asked to not speak about her... A few snap chats I use to get on people's stories consisted of my ex having a jolly time. My good friend last week thought it would be a good idea to tell me about all the snapchats she has gotten from my ex. Nope, horrible idea and I told my friend to please never hurt me like that agin. Finally, about the past two weeks, I haven't heard or seen anything about her. Yet I still continue to THINK about reaching out. Just doesn't make sense, I feel ready but then I talk and get all your input on here and realize I'm not ready and that it wouldn't even be worth the stress in general. But in the grand scheme thing of things there has been no contact initiated from me in thirty long days. Edited July 27, 2015 by drade
Chi townD Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Oh she told me all about the wedding back when it happened. That was fun to listen to, not! That was when we were in contact. Yes, the rest of what you said is true. I know way to much. Why? Because mutual friends didn't respect my wishes at first when I asked to not speak about her... A few snap chats I use to get on people's stories consisted of my ex having a jolly time. My good friend last week thought it would be a good idea to tell me about all the snapchats she has gotten from my ex. Nope, horrible idea and I told my friend to please never hurt me like that agin. Finally, about the past two weeks, I haven't heard or seen anything about her. Yet I still continue to THINK about reaching out. Just doesn't make sense, I feel ready but then I talk and get all your input on here and realize I'm not ready and that it wouldn't even be worth the stress in general. But in the grand scheme thing of things there has been no contact initiated from me in thirty long days. Okay, So you haven't made contact. That's great and I'm not trying to take away from your accomplishments. And I hope your friends are grasping the concept that you just don't want to hear about her. But, if your thinking about her A LOT, then you're a man with too much time on your hands. One of the keys to help you heal is to KEEP BUSY! Do things that are going to keep you busy and do things you're going to enjoy! HAVE FUN! We are in charge of our own happiness. SO, make plans. Schedule fun things to do. Who knows! Maybe your Ex will get curious and ask a mutual friend how you're doing. Wouldn't it be cool if your mutual friend could say, "I don't know. Fine I guess. He's currently scuba diving in the Bahamas. So, I can ask him when he gets back if you want."
Author drade Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 Okay, So you haven't made contact. That's great and I'm not trying to take away from your accomplishments. And I hope your friends are grasping the concept that you just don't want to hear about her. But, if your thinking about her A LOT, then you're a man with too much time on your hands. One of the keys to help you heal is to KEEP BUSY! Do things that are going to keep you busy and do things you're going to enjoy! HAVE FUN! We are in charge of our own happiness. SO, make plans. Schedule fun things to do. Who knows! Maybe your Ex will get curious and ask a mutual friend how you're doing. Wouldn't it be cool if your mutual friend could say, "I don't know. Fine I guess. He's currently scuba diving in the Bahamas. So, I can ask him when he gets back if you want." You all are brutally honest, and that's what I need. Had a moment of weakness. I will continue to progress in the direction I am currently following. Trust me, I am forcing myself to do things, to get out of my old habitual life routine of the same crap different day. I'm not ready to reach out to her, and I shouldn't. I've done enough damage post breakup, and I really think it is going to take some serious time and space for the both of us to truly become civil again, and an even longer time for her to forgive me. I've failed to show myself, and others, my willpower. Now that I have created willpower, understand how it works within my mind, I must continue to be strong and put my best interests first, not hers.
honey85 Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 This ^^^ When I went thru this 2 plus years ago, what helped me get through it the fastest was- * NC, what so ever. I vanished from her life, blocked her on everything. Did no spying on social media (I couldn't, I blocked her) and avoided ANYWHERE I may run into her. * I kept myself busy and the only thing that made me feel better was TIME PASSING w/her out of sight, out of mind. * Time passing allowed me to heal and get my rational thoughts back. It allowed and reinforced I was much better off with her out of my life. After a while, I started dating again. A few months later, I met my now 2 year GF who's better in everyway. I have started NC today which means I have blocked all forms of contact. Phone, emails, texts, social media, anything I could think of that may result in me seeing him or vice versa. The unknown is scary but I'm going to make myself proud. I will stop myself searching him online, checking social media. Mind over him and most importantly, I need to stop feeling like the person I was when he was in my life. I want to be the person I was BEFORE I knew him. X 1
Author drade Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 So it's been over five weeks of NC. Doing, much better vs day one. Still riding the roller coaster, but its getting less and less intense. Really don't talk about her or what happened anymore, which is huge, because that was my life for a solid four weeks. I unblocked on her facebook. I take steps in getting over people. One step is to unblock them after a certain period of time. I felt great, not once did I check her profile after I unblocked her. I unblocked her over a week ago. I had this weird feeling while I was on facebook about her. I looked her up in the search bar, and she blocked me. Surprising? Yes. She was upset when I unfriended then blocked her. She was upset she couldn't follow my instagram. However, I think its a great thing she blocked me. I laughed about it when it happened. How the tables can turn sometimes. I am so far where I was, and I have been and continue to be getting over this relationship more and more every day. I still think about her. I kinda forgot how her voice sounds. I'm very happy with myself that I have made it this far. I thought I was going to live a depressed life. I don't see the need to break contact, what good what it bring? What has been said has been said, we have had our closure. It truly is over, and I have finally accepted it.
Chi townD Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Just keep working on yourself. Go out and do fun things. Make positive changes in your life. Worry and focus on you! Yeah, you'll be on that rollercoaster of emotions for a while, but sooner or later, the ride will end.
Ijustdon'tgetit Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 I unblocked her over a week ago. I had this weird feeling while I was on facebook about her. I looked her up in the search bar, and she blocked me. Surprising? Yes. She was upset when I unfriended then blocked her. She was upset she couldn't follow my instagram. However, I think its a great thing she blocked me. I laughed about it when it happened. How the tables can turn sometimes. I am so far where I was, and I have been and continue to be getting over this relationship more and more every day. This exact thing happened to me.. I'm curious about why they'd feel the need to do this, when they're the one who screwed up everything..
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