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Guy I'm dating told me we are moving too fast before sex but we've already had sex?!

RoseHeart

By RoseHeart
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RoseHeart Established Member

RoseHeart

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I think most of this negative thinking the OP is experiencing comes from within her OWN head, as opposed to anything he is necessarily doing, or not doing.

 

That is why I advised her to relax and STOP over-thinking which she has begun to do, and feels much better!

 

You're right. I am my own worst critic. Lots of rejection has hurt me and I struggle to sometimes let go of past failed relationships. I keep thinking it will happen again and that I'll get let down/hurt again. I'm desperately trying to relax and not judge every guy by past experiences. I definitely I am getting a handle on my anxiety. I have learnt coping methods that have helped me a lot.

 

First off I did not read where she said they were in the "heat of passion" when he made that comment. It would appear that was your own spin.

 

And would you clarify the quote in asterisk? So the guy is insane now for wanting to spend more time with her outside the bedroom ... and less focused on sex, sex, sex?

 

Wow, a guy is really damned if he does and damned if he doesn't....:)

 

That's what I am thinking too. People are now saying it's bad that he doesn't want sex from me but yet if he I went on to say how he wants sex from me people would have been saying he is using me for sex!

 

I feel like people will always have something negative to say about this poor guy :/

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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You're right. I am my own worst critic. Lots of rejection has hurt me and I struggle to sometimes let go of past failed relationships. I keep thinking it will happen again and that I'll get let down/hurt again. I'm desperately trying to relax and not judge every guy by past experiences. I definitely I am getting a handle on my anxiety. I have learnt coping methods that have helped me a lot.

 

 

 

That's what I am thinking too. People are now saying it's bad that he doesn't want sex from me but yet if he I went on to say how he wants sex from me people would have been saying he is using me for sex!

 

I feel like people will always have something negative to say about this poor guy :/

 

 

I just now posted that same scenario hon.... see my post directly before yours. :)

 

 

Good luck and again have fun tomorrow!

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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You're right... it did feel like a huge rejection. He got very upset when I told him I felt really rejected and told me it was not how he meant it. He comforted me and told me he doesn't want me to feel rejected and he talked kindly to me about the situation which has built my confidence up.

 

He has flaws absolutely. But he also has many good points. He's a good guy overall and I've never thought of him as a player or cheater or someone who is bad. I guess it's easy to forget the good parts of him when I'm only on here saying the "bad" things. I myself have many flaws too and am trying to work on them. I would hate for someone to abandon me just because of these flaws that I'm working on. I can't just leave him right now.

No one is saying he is a bad person. He's just confused at best. You don't have to "leave" him. There's nothing to leave. You aren't in a relationship with him. Just focus on yourself. Date him if you want to and date others too.

 

I've never thought of him as a player or cheater or someone who is bad -- You don't know him well enough to think of him as anything other than a guy you went out with for a couple of months, pushed away for two months, got back together with, proceeded to reject you sexually and then comforted you by putting you on the back burner more or less.

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RoseHeart Established Member

RoseHeart

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I just now posted that same scenario hon.... see my post directly before yours. :)

 

 

Good luck and again have fun tomorrow!

 

Yeah I just read it after replying.

 

That definitely sums up my feelings. I obviously felt terrible for a while too at him thinking I only care about sex. My God it's the last thing I'd want him to think. I explained to him I wasn't just after sex and that he can trust me. When he told me he doesn't want to get hurt he sounded vulnerable and I told him I wouldn't ever dare to hurt him.

 

Thank you so much. I am looking forward to our date as well ^_^:love:

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RoseHeart Established Member

RoseHeart

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No one is saying he is a bad person. He's just confused at best. You don't have to "leave" him. There's nothing to leave. You aren't in a relationship with him. Just focus on yourself. Date him if you want to and date others too.

 

I've never thought of him as a player or cheater or someone who is bad -- You don't know him well enough to think of him as anything other than a guy you went out with for a couple of months, pushed away for two months, got back together with, proceeded to reject you sexually and then comforted you by putting you on the back burner more or less.

 

Yeah I am trying to focus on myself and am not cancelling out on other prospects in terms of dating,

 

Once again... he did not push away from me for several months. I do not know where people are pulling this information from. I'm sure I explained this to you before that I pushed him away and left him! Not the other way around.

 

He didn't put me on the back burner either. We are still happily dating and will be seeing him tomorrow. Nothing has changed whatsoever. He just feels like i'm only interested in sex with him and I'm going to work on that and make him feel better about it.

RebelWithoutACause Established Member

RebelWithoutACause

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I guess I just thought when he said less sex he meant it in a positive way.

 

You can spin it anyway you want but there is no way a guy makes such a comment and means anything "nice". If his goal was to spend more time with you outside the bedroom, because he enjoys your company, he would have just said "hey, lets go out and do so and so". Why make this passive aggressive, confusing comment?

 

He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and you sounds way too invested and this is not a good combo.

 

In general when things don't start off well they rarely improve. You've already had a 2 month "break", there is no commitment but yet you claim you're exclusive although you go out on dates with other guys...I know you're both young but this is just too messy. Find a guy who wants you, lets you know that he wants you, and most importantly, doesn't make you feel rejected or make you second guess yourself.

 

This one sounds like a big mindf@!#k. Guys like that are never worth the trouble. Never.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Yeah I am trying to focus on myself and am not cancelling out on other prospects in terms of dating,

 

Once again... he did not push away from me for several months. I do not know where people are pulling this information from. I'm sure I explained this to you before that I pushed him away and left him! Not the other way around.

 

He didn't put me on the back burner either. We are still happily dating and will be seeing him tomorrow. Nothing has changed whatsoever. He just feels like i'm only interested in sex with him and I'm going to work on that and make him feel better about it.

 

I mean't that you pushed him away. And, good keep your options open. And, he just feels that you're only interested in sex with him, so he's going to cut it out altogether? And, he thinks you're only interested in sex because you initiated this time? You were both having sex up to that point weren't you? He initiated and you both initiated at times, didn't you? Now, you're giving up sex with him so he feels better? What about you? In my book, he better do every other little thing perfectly in order for you to compromise your needs and wants after a rejection like that.

Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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Lol, quote in asterisk, well it's confirmed. katiegrl is permanently crazy, as she (*I*) said this same exact thing to her/my boyfriend when we first started dating! :bunny::bunny:

 

Unlike the OP though, boyfriend didn't get all bent up about it, analyzing it to the nth degree, etc, .... he simply backed off some....and all was cool!

 

Again, you think the guy is insane because he did not react or respond in the same way YOU would have reacted and responded in the same situation?

 

And no I actually do not enjoy arguing, with you or anyone, but when I disagree, I am gonna say so....

 

Still luv ya though my friend....nothing will ever change that.... :p:)

 

 

- I've heard your story Katie, yours was a different scenario, a onetime deal.... some guys really do move too fast.

 

Again, this is a different situation.... the guy has issues (anxiety, drug addiction) and rejected her. All I'm saying is, don't be surprised if it's an ongoing problem that eventually kills off her love for him.

 

For the record, I hope not.

 

And Katie, love ya more :love:

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RoseHeart Established Member

RoseHeart

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You can spin it anyway you want but there is no way a guy makes such a comment and means anything "nice". If his goal was to spend more time with you outside the bedroom, because he enjoys your company, he would have just said "hey, lets go out and do so and so". Why make this passive aggressive, confusing comment?

 

He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and you sounds way too invested and this is not a good combo.

 

In general when things don't start off well they rarely improve. You've already had a 2 month "break", there is no commitment but yet you claim you're exclusive although you go out on dates with other guys...I know you're both young but this is just too messy. Find a guy who wants you, lets you know that he wants you, and most importantly, doesn't make you feel rejected or make you second guess yourself.

 

This one sounds like a big mindf@!#k. Guys like that are never worth the trouble. Never.

 

Please read what I wrote to several other people. I'm getting tired of having to explain this over and over again. He said he feels that we spend too much time having sex and that he gets the idea that it's all I care about and want to do. He wants the emphasis to be less on us having sex and wants us to spend time together doing other things. He wasn't passive aggressive. He communicated this to me, we talked about it and we sorted it out. Initially yes he said it in a confusing way but he ended up having sex with me regardless. However yesterday we talked about it and he explained what he meant better. I get the idea people like trash talking him without actually comprehending the situation. If roles were reversed and I asked a guy to spend less time having sex with me and more time getting to know me nobody would bat a eye. But now because he's a guy and simply saying let's put off sex and get to know each other it suddenly makes him not interested. I think people are just jumping a bit too much to conclusions here.

 

I never not once said we are exclusive right now. We were prior to our break but we have not discussed this yet again. I don't find out situation messy at all. If anything it seems pretty common at my age for people to not just jump into things. Remember he's 22. He has never had a girlfriend before. I don't expect perfection from him and he doesn't seem to expect it either. We are enjoying each other's company and having a great time. Why should I leave someone great just because they tell me that they want to spend more time getting to know me outside the bedroom then inside? Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? :confused:

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RoseHeart Established Member

RoseHeart

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I mean't that you pushed him away. And, good keep your options open. And, he just feels that you're only interested in sex with him, so he's going to cut it out altogether? And, he thinks you're only interested in sex because you initiated this time? You were both having sex up to that point weren't you? He initiated and you both initiated at times, didn't you? Now, you're giving up sex with him so he feels better? What about you? In my book, he better do every other little thing perfectly in order for you to compromise your needs and wants after a rejection like that.

 

 

I'm not sure if sex will be off the cards altogether but I am going to move at his pace and not be suggestive. I'd say we've both initiated sex before but I get where he's coming from when he says I give off the feeling that I'm only interested in sex. I do think I might have come across that way when I think about it. I'm not giving up sex just to please him. I'm doing it for us because as I said I do get what he means. We can't possibly know if we are cut out for each other if we only have great sex. That is not enough. We need to spend time talking and building other memories. I'm positive that if I told him I need sex after a while he'll be happy to oblige. I think he just means it shouldn't be the main focus right now which I'll admit to me it has been. :o

Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

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You don't have to "leave" him. There's nothing to leave. You aren't in a relationship with him.
Yeah this is the key - this is not supposed to be a "relationship" only "dating." Instead of trying to figure him out OP I agree with others that all you need to be doing is being honest with yourself about whether you are getting what you want out of this casual dating situation. It seems like YOU are not casual about it at all and that will make you hurt alot soon. :(
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Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

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I'm not sure if sex will be off the cards altogether but I am going to move at his pace and not be suggestive. I'd say we've both initiated sex before but I get where he's coming from when he says I give off the feeling that I'm only interested in sex.

 

I DO NOT believe he thinks you are "only interested in sex." I am just gathering from this thread and your others about him, but I get the idea that he doesn't want you to initiate sex or expect sex because that is too much like a RELATIONSHIP for him. He doesn't want that with you, though I guess if he needs to have sex he will go for the opportunity. :(

 

I'm still thinking about your first post in this thread where you said "We even spend a whole day together which hardly ever happens." Things like spending alot of time together including whole days are what develop into a relationship that includes regular sex! :)

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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It is just odd to hear this from a young man who says he's never had a girlfriend, yet he is being so cautious about getting hurt. If he's never been hurt by a girlfriend, he is afraid for another reason. And, a young man who wants to hold off from sex because he feels she may be using him for sex? Has he been manipulated by other people in this way? Or, experienced some history that makes him distrustful of women.

 

I hope he's just being smart beyond his years and experience.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I'm not sure if sex will be off the cards altogether but I am going to move at his pace and not be suggestive. I'd say we've both initiated sex before but I get where he's coming from when he says I give off the feeling that I'm only interested in sex. I do think I might have come across that way when I think about it. I'm not giving up sex just to please him. I'm doing it for us because as I said I do get what he means. We can't possibly know if we are cut out for each other if we only have great sex. That is not enough. We need to spend time talking and building other memories. I'm positive that if I told him I need sex after a while he'll be happy to oblige. I think he just means it shouldn't be the main focus right now which I'll admit to me it has been. :o

 

Rose I think I said this in my earlier post (no. 22), but I am fairly certain if YOU back off...stop fawning all over him sexually, just keep the focus OFF sex....and allow him to miss you (sexually)... his desire for sex with YOU will quickly return and HE will be the one begging YOU for sex!

 

 

Since you were "on" him all the time for sex, he never got a chance to experience that "longing" feeling that inspires sexual desire and passion!

 

 

So just back off...let HIM initiate. I think everything will work out.

 

 

In time, you can both initiate, but for now let HIM.

Edited by katiegrl
introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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Did you actually read why he said that or did you only read that one sentence?

 

But let me summarize:

He said he doesn't want our entire relationship to just be based off sex. He said he isn't just interested in being physical with me all the time and that I only seem to care about having sex with him.

 

Yes, I've read the entire thread.

 

What I notice is that any time anyone suggests that things might be amiss, you become defensive and subtly change the narrative to cast things in a more positive light.

 

WRT to sex, I stand by what I said. Wanting to have a r/s that is not based purely on sex is totally reasonable. Needing to back off from sex in order to achieve that suggests something else is going on -- either you've been demanding insane amounts of sex such that there is no time to enjoy talking and doing things (which you've asserted is not the case), or possibly he is distancing.

 

Good luck with it, OP.

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