Guy I'm dating told me we are moving too fast before sex but we've already had sex?!

July 20, 2015

nevermind......

July 20, 2015

There's a difference between "in a relationship" and exclusively dating. I know we aren't in a committed relationship. Never said we were. However we do not date other people. We only date one another. I hope that clears it up for you.

Rose I don't know why other posters are arguing about what type of relationship you have.

YOU are the one having the relationship..... therefore YOU should know what type of relationship it is! Sheesh.

Please don't feel you have to defend your own relationship to others who think they know better than YOU what type of relationship you have!

Just talk to him....or take my suggestion and say NOTHING, but pull back sexually, and let HIM be the one to initiate it.

Let him miss you....sexually and otherwise.

Good luck hon.... and keep us posted.

Edited July 20, 2015 by katiegrl

July 20, 2015

Katie, the whole point of the thread is her trying to establish what their relationship means. So it's a valid part of the discussion IMO.

I mean when someone says they're exclusive (the very definition of commitment), have dates/are very romantic, met the parents, talk about the future, etc can you honestly say that sounds like something "casual"?

July 20, 2015

Katie, the whole point of the thread is her trying to establish what their relationship means. So it's a valid part of the discussion IMO.

I mean when someone says they're exclusive (the very definition of commitment), have dates/are very romantic, met the parents, talk about the future, etc can you honestly say that sounds like something "casual"?

No hon....but there is a whole lot in between casual and commitment. At best they are working "towards" commitment, but are not, as of yet, in a committed relationship. They are in an exclusively dating relationship....from what I gather from her posts.

Anyhoo...I am tired of debating with you today, which is why I did not address my post to you....but to Rose specifically.

And for the record, this thread is about her boyfriend wanting to slow down after having sex with her for several months..... NOT what their RL "means."

Read the title of her thread for more clarity if you need to...

Edited July 20, 2015 by katiegrl

July 20, 2015

OP, do you want something more from this arrangement? I mean, do you want him to be your boyfriend?

I ask because perhaps he senses you're getting more invested. Or, maybe he meant that you rushed into initiating sex on that particular occasion and he wanted to move more slowly through foreplay, etc.

Only way to know is to come right out and ask him, which I read you're intending to do.

July 20, 2015

And for the record, this thread is about her boyfriend wanting to slow down after having sex with her for several months..... NOT what their RL "means."

Read the title of her thread for more clarity if you need to...

Be careful not to use the term "boyfriend"

But based on her first post talking about how long they've been seeing each other, sex vs commitment and why he'd want to slow down, etc.. It seemed like she was questioning what things meant. Based on all her expectations (exclusive, wanting romance/dates, meeting the parents) it seems like she's hopeful for more than she's letting on. But I do agree that anything any of us say is speculation. So debate done.

July 21, 2015

OP, do you want something more from this arrangement? I mean, do you want him to be your boyfriend?

I ask because perhaps he senses you're getting more invested. Or, maybe he meant that you rushed into initiating sex on that particular occasion and he wanted to move more slowly through foreplay, etc.

Only way to know is to come right out and ask him, which I read you're intending to do.

Yeah I do want us to eventually lead to more. Him and I both take commitment and relationships seriously and know we can't give each other our 100% best right now and I think we both also realize we need more time together. It could be that if felt too rushed for him. Usually there is build up before we have sex but I thought he'd appreciate it if I surprised him and say let's do it right now:( Turns out it wasn't a good idea! With that said he seems happy with me despite what happened and sent me a good night text which is his sign I guess of saying we're OK after what happened.

July 21, 2015

Be careful not to use the term "boyfriend"

But based on her first post talking about how long they've been seeing each other, sex vs commitment and why he'd want to slow down, etc.. It seemed like she was questioning what things meant. Based on all her expectations (exclusive, wanting romance/dates, meeting the parents) it seems like she's hopeful for more than she's letting on. But I do agree that anything any of us say is speculation. So debate done.

We haven't been seeing in each other THAT long as mentioned. There has been a time before we had a fallout where I got desperate for a relationship (not even a full 2 months in see I have some issues too ) and then he said we need more time and that he just isn't ready. Despite that he didn't leave me and continued seeing me. I was the one who then walked away from us and took a break. We met up again one night and since then we've been talking and it has just been a lot different. I am hopeful that we'll progress to a relationship with time but right now I am content with how things are. I can't expect someone who has never been in a relationship to just jump into one. He takes things like that seriously and with his marijuana addiction and my proneness to getting needy we both need to sort out our **** before we can get into a relationship. I realize this and so does he. He knows I can't stand him being a pot head all the time and I'm pretty sure I need to sort my insecurities out first too.

July 21, 2015

We haven't been seeing in each other THAT long as mentioned. There has been a time before we had a fallout where I got desperate for a relationship (not even a full 2 months in see I have some issues too ) and then he said we need more time and that he just isn't ready. Despite that he didn't leave me and continued seeing me. I was the one who then walked away from us and took a break. We met up again one night and since then we've been talking and it has just been a lot different. I am hopeful that we'll progress to a relationship with time but right now I am content with how things are. I can't expect someone who has never been in a relationship to just jump into one. He takes things like that seriously and with his marijuana addiction and my proneness to getting needy we both need to sort out our **** before we can get into a relationship. I realize this and so does he. He knows I can't stand him being a pot head all the time and I'm pretty sure I need to sort my insecurities out first too.

This is the same guy from all your other threads, I assume?

If so, I wouldn't be holding my breath for a bigger commitment. Too many red flags there. Tread carefully here, OP.

July 21, 2015

This is the same guy from all your other threads, I assume?

If so, I wouldn't be holding my breath for a bigger commitment. Too many red flags there. Tread carefully here, OP.

We've had our up's and down's but the way he treats me now is a lot better than before. I think he realized what he lost which is why he came back to me and hasn't left my side again. He has improved a lot and the consistency now in comparison to how it was before it quite significant. Before I was afraid he might not see me as more but the way he speaks now is a lot different. In fact almost everything feels different. It's like he has changed a lot in terms of how he treats me. Before our time apart I was dragging us on and constantly making plans. Now he's the one initiating and saying things and doing things he didn't before. He is making a lot more effort which is why I have forgiven the past and placed it back there. The past is the past and we all mess up and mistakes. I messed up too with him a few times by being clingy. I am going carefully yes absolutely. I'm not putting my all into this and will even be going on a date tonight with another guy so I am keeping my options open as far as that is concerned.

July 21, 2015

5 months ... not exactly. See we had a very big misunderstanding/fight somewhere along the line. I messed up and he messed up. We only reconciled again about maybe a month ago.

that's a pretty important piece of information to be left out of your initial post.

July 21, 2015

that's a pretty important piece of information to be left out of your initial post.

Why?

We had sex prior our break. We had sex post break.

July 30, 2015

UPDATE

So yesterday I finally had a chance to talk to him.

He told me that when he says we are moving too fast he was referring to the fact that whenever we are together we always have sex and that it's all I ever seem to want from him He says he feels like it's all I care about and that we need to spend more time doing other things because the physical side of our relationship seems to overpower everything. He also threw something in there about feelings and how he doesn't want to get hurt. Lastly he said he doesn't want me to feel like he's using me or just after me for sex.

I guess he has a point but like I explained to him the only reason I have sex with him is because I enjoy connecting with him and I'm doing it out of a place of love. The other issue is that we hardly ever see each other so when I do get the chance to see him I want to spend a lot of time with him and make up for what we lost . I guess i just do it in the wrong way. I obviously will respect his wishes and am planning on taking sex off the cards for the foreseeable future.

I did feel a bit rejected, I'll admit.

In fact I still do.

I don't understand why someone would pass down sex. I thought guys like it. I'm having mixed emotions cause I get where he's coming from but at the same time I feel unwanted and like he doesn't enjoy connecting with me sexually. In fact I'm REALLY hurt. I have been crying all morning and feel rejected.

July 30, 2015

OP, from the other side of the coin:

My first serious boyfriend lost his virginity to me. And after that he became very focused on sex and wanted it all the time. It was too much for me, because I felt that was all he ever wanted to do. (Mind you, we were 18 at the time) I felt we couldn't just sit and have a quiet night without him pawing at me and it was quite irritating. Not everyone wants sex all the time. I don't know if that's how your current situation is, but thought I could offer some insight.

In any case, it sounds like you need to start doing other things together too. Do you go out on dates much? Him telling you he doesn't want to hurt you appears to suggest he knows you're getting invested and he's not quite there yet. How much time do you spend together, and what do you normally do when you hang out?

July 30, 2015

OP, from the other side of the coin:

My first serious boyfriend lost his virginity to me. And after that he became very focused on sex and wanted it all the time. It was too much for me, because I felt that was all he ever wanted to do. (Mind you, we were 18 at the time) I felt we couldn't just sit and have a quiet night without him pawing at me and it was quite irritating. Not everyone wants sex all the time. I don't know if that's how your current situation is, but thought I could offer some insight.

In any case, it sounds like you need to start doing other things together too. Do you go out on dates much? Him telling you he doesn't want to hurt you appears to suggest he knows you're getting invested and he's not quite there yet. How much time do you spend together, and what do you normally do when you hang out?

Yeah it could be that I'm too "jumpy" on him when it comes to sex. He is my first. I'm not his first so it explains why sex is something I want to do because it's still "new" to me. I guess I'm very much like your first boyfriend. He didn't say he doesn't want to hurt me. He said HE didn't want to get hurt.

We don't see each other a lot but when we do we go out we have dinner/lunch, other times I hang out with him and his friends (watch sport, go to hang out spots, party) and then we also have "quiet" night like last night where we cuddle while watching series/movies. But almost always it ends up with one of us sleeping over and then we have sex. Last night was the first night we didn't do a sleepover or had sex.

Our biggest issue here is we do not see each other enough. Even though we met in beginning February we likely have not been spending as much together as I think we have. This is why I have not been pushy for us to be in a relationship. I realize our time together is not all that much. I told him last night we need to see each other more so now we made plans to have lunch together tomorrow. I'm going to tell him tomorrow that I respect his decision and thought about it and that I understand where he is coming from. I also want to tell him I appreciate his honesty. I think I was very passive aggressive last night and was very upset. (I still am but I'm working on it). I guess I should be happy that he isn't just interested in sex and the sexual side of me.

July 30, 2015

He's a very insecure guy. That's pretty much the biggest hang up he has. He also has anxiety issues that has caused him to turn to unhealthy habits such as excessive pot smoking. He's not religious but he seems to take sex seriously. He has told me many times he can't just have sex with a girl on the side and isn't like other guys who can just hook up with different girls all the time. So there's definitely a emotional hang up there for him but I do not understand why it would be a issue for him now:confused:

It's been about 5 months, right? It isn't just now an issue. It's been there and he's been "pushing" it aside. And, if he has anxiety, there are triggers for him probably. They may be very subtle. Not only that, he may have some fear of intimacy as well. He may be sensing that you are getting closer to him and he may be feeling closer to you and that's overwhelming to him, so he pulls away. He fears getting too close and getting hurt. It's not really the intimacy he fears. He fears getting hurt more than he fears the intimacy which is often why a man wants to go "slow". He tries to ease into a relationship. When his "comfort" level gets pushed, he backs off.

July 30, 2015

Yeah it could be that I'm too "jumpy" on him when it comes to sex. He is my first. I'm not his first so it explains why sex is something I want to do because it's still "new" to me. I guess I'm very much like your first boyfriend. He didn't say he doesn't want to hurt me. He said HE didn't want to get hurt.

We don't see each other a lot but when we do we go out we have dinner/lunch, other times I hang out with him and his friends (watch sport, go to hang out spots, party) and then we also have "quiet" night like last night where we cuddle while watching series/movies. But almost always it ends up with one of us sleeping over and then we have sex. Last night was the first night we didn't do a sleepover or had sex.

Our biggest issue here is we do not see each other enough. Even though we met in beginning February we likely have not been spending as much together as I think we have. This is why I have not been pushy for us to be in a relationship. I realize our time together is not all that much. I told him last night we need to see each other more so now we made plans to have lunch together tomorrow. I'm going to tell him tomorrow that I respect his decision and thought about it and that I understand where he is coming from. I also want to tell him I appreciate his honesty. I think I was very passive aggressive last night and was very upset. (I still am but I'm working on it). I guess I should be happy that he isn't just interested in sex and the sexual side of me.

Girl, this is the thing: you shouldn't need to tell him that. That should be something he is happy to do. The fact you feel compelled to say this to him when you're not even in a relationship isn't a good sign. If a guy isn't initiating plans, it's because he simply doesn't want to. Let him come to you.

I think you two are still on quite different pages here. You want a relatioonship, if I understand correctly. He doesn't seem to be so keen to take that step with you. I have read your other threads. Proceed cautiously.

July 30, 2015

Girl, this is the thing: you shouldn't need to tell him that. That should be something he is happy to do. The fact you feel compelled to say this to him when you're not even in a relationship isn't a good sign. If a guy isn't initiating plans, it's because he simply doesn't want to. Let him come to you.

I think you two are still on quite different pages here. You want a relatioonship, if I understand correctly. He doesn't seem to be so keen to take that step with you. I have read your other threads. Proceed cautiously.

That is my point as well. She wants more than he is ready to give or maybe even capable of giving. And, they are not at a point in the relationship where she should be expressing her needs to him. You're right, he should be showing her more himself at this point. A woman shouldn't have to do this kind of thing so early in the relationship. If their relationship status was clear and they were farther down the road, say a year, then it would be appropriate for her to tell him what she needs if there is some "failure" on his part.

And, the frequency of them seeing each other wouldn't be one of those things she should need to address. That should be in place already.

She's pushing him, he senses it and is pulling away. Plain and simple. Most men would at this point in relationship, I'd say, even if they don't have anxiety issues, etc.

This guy really hasn't been showing her "enough" to make it worth going farther with him from the beginning anyway. She's ignoring signs from him. If she still thinks there's is enough for her, she needs to sit back. Let him initiate everything for quite a while. She will need a ton of patience though with this one for sure. It's very difficult to be involved with someone who may have emotional/intimacy problems. It can be done (if he isn't too damaged), but the woman needs to be very secure, mature, centered and focused on her needs to able to take care of herself when he is unable or unwilling to do that at various points if the relationship is going to develop at all. And, she needs to set a "time" limit for herself with this type of guy. She shouldn't string herself along forever. She can say, "I'll give it another 6 months (or whatever time she thinks she can give it) and then I'll bail if he's not stepping up to the plate the way I need him to".

When I say "too" damaged, she needs to focus on his relationships with other women in his past, his relationships with family/siblings, social circle, etc. The quality of these relationships is an indicator sometimes and important to understand. Some men like this actually do have great relationships with every other person in their lives, but cannot maintain a deep emotional connection with dating partners. That's too close for comfort. The other side of this can be the case as well. They don't have good relationships with anyone . . .

And, she's in his head trying to figure out why he does what he does. It doesn't really matter. She should simply focus on her needs for a relationship and observe whether he's meeting them or not.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Redhead14

July 30, 2015

Girl, this is the thing: you shouldn't need to tell him that. That should be something he is happy to do. The fact you feel compelled to say this to him when you're not even in a relationship isn't a good sign. If a guy isn't initiating plans, it's because he simply doesn't want to. Let him come to you.

I think you two are still on quite different pages here. You want a relatioonship, if I understand correctly. He doesn't seem to be so keen to take that step with you. I have read your other threads. Proceed cautiously.

He is happy to spend time with me and he initiates things a lot. I'm not sure why you'd think he doesn't initiate or isn't happy to spend time with me... After our discussion last night he immediately said we must see each other again tomorrow. Remember he is the one who said we need to spend time outside the bedroom, not me. He has been doing a great job with initiating after our 2 month "break" apart. In fact he has been doing pretty much most of the initiating. It has been a lot different but in a good way. I too thought I wanted a relationship but I am happy with how things are right now and have been dating on the side as well so I'm not investing my everything and I try to be cautious.

July 30, 2015

It's been about 5 months, right? It isn't just now an issue. It's been there and he's been "pushing" it aside. And, if he has anxiety, there are triggers for him probably. They may be very subtle. Not only that, he may have some fear of intimacy as well. He may be sensing that you are getting closer to him and he may be feeling closer to you and that's overwhelming to him, so he pulls away. He fears getting too close and getting hurt. It's not really the intimacy he fears. He fears getting hurt more than he fears the intimacy which is often why a man wants to go "slow". He tries to ease into a relationship. When his "comfort" level gets pushed, he backs off.

We met in Feb, immediately started dating and then somewhere in the middle we had a 2 month break from one another. He reached out to me again around mid June and since then we have been dating again so it has not been exactly 5 months. The amount of time we have spent actively dating is less than 5 months. What you say here is more or less what I took away from the conversation with him. He sounded like he was implying that he is feeling closer and he said quite clearly "I don't want to get hurt" to me. So it makes sense. I will respect his comfort levels if he wishes so.

I do not wish for more right now. I have said several times in this very thread that I am perfectly happy with how things are between us. I just sometimes get confused about things (like any normal person) and come on here to get some clarity and opinions. I did not "express my needs" to him. He expressed HIS needs to me! He is the one who came to me and say he wants to spend time with me in a non sexual way. So if there's anyone clarifying anything it's him... not me. I didn't express a issue. He expressed a issue. I don't see why people can't be open about things. I don't expect him to magically know my feelings and neither can I expect the same of him.

I don't feel he's pulling away at all. Him saying he doesn't just want sex from me but wants to spend time doing other things with me is not really pushing away in my books. Since when is someone wanting to spend time with a person pulling away? He has been far more in contact with me during the past month and a half than prior. He has been doing most initiating and doing really good job in my opinion. I do not see how he is pulling away.

EDIT

I could be wrong though. He could be pulling away and I don't even realize it and he could be lying.

I guess I just thought when he said less sex he meant it in a positive way. At least that is what he kept telling me because he could see I was upset. He kept telling me it's for the best and that he doesn't want to make me feel rejected and unloved. I really don't know what to do anymore.. :/

Edited July 30, 2015 by RoseHeart

July 30, 2015

Rose, re what he said about the sex, please read my post no. 22 again.

I am sorry you feel hurt and rejected, but you shouldn't really.

Yes all men love sex with the woman they love, and I am sure he does too .... but that doesn't mean they want their girlfriend fawning all over him sexually, every second they're together.

Let him initiate it sometimes, let him miss you...that is what he is telling you.....he needs that to keep the passion burning!

Post 22 explains.

July 30, 2015

We met in Feb, immediately started dating and then somewhere in the middle we had a 2 month break from one another. He reached out to me again around mid June and since then we have been dating again so it has not been exactly 5 months. The amount of time we have spent actively dating is less than 5 months. What you say here is more or less what I took away from the conversation with him. He sounded like he was implying that he is feeling closer and he said quite clearly "I don't want to get hurt" to me. So it makes sense. I will respect his comfort levels if he wishes so.

I do not wish for more right now. I have said several times in this very thread that I am perfectly happy with how things are between us. I just sometimes get confused about things (like any normal person) and come on here to get some clarity and opinions. I did not "express my needs" to him. He expressed HIS needs to me! He is the one who came to me and say he wants to spend time with me in a non sexual way. So if there's anyone clarifying anything it's him... not me. I didn't express a issue. He expressed a issue. I don't see why people can't be open about things. I don't expect him to magically know my feelings and neither can I expect the same of him.

I don't feel he's pulling away at all. Him saying he doesn't just want sex from me but wants to spend time doing other things with me is not really pushing away in my books. Since when is someone wanting to spend time with a person pulling away? He has been far more in contact with me during the past month and a half than prior. He has been doing most initiating and doing really good job in my opinion. I do not see how he is pulling away.

EDIT

I could be wrong though. He could be pulling away and I don't even realize it and he could be lying.

I guess I just thought when he said less sex he meant it in a positive way. At least that is what he kept telling me because he could see I was upset. He kept telling me it's for the best and that he doesn't want to make me feel rejected and unloved. I really don't know what to do anymore.. :/

This man will pull away and each time will come back strong and then fade away again. He's only doing this now, for a while. It will go away again and again. Eventually, he will fade out of your life completely without a word.

2 month break -- In a 5 month period? You don't know him yet really. And he's showing you who he is right away. Pulling away sexually is pulling away.

I just sometimes get confused about things (like any normal person) and come on here to get some clarity and opinions. -- You are confused for a reason -- he's inconsistent and confused himself. This is not going to be a fun "relationship" for you.

And, you are seeking clarity and opinions and getting them, yet you continue to basically ask the same questions.

You are waiting for the one post that will tell you to proceed and be all in with this guy -- that he's the one. I doubt anyone will tell you that.

He kept telling me it's for the best and that he doesn't want to make me feel rejected and unloved. But, he is making you feel that way.

I did not "express my needs" to him -- You did tell him you needed more time with him. So, now, he's doing that a little more until . . . he can't anymore. He knew you were upset about not seeing him enough. He doesn't want conflict, so he'll do it for a while until he thinks you're satisfied and then stop doing it again. He could be pulling away and I don't even realize it -- that is how it happens sometimes -- gradually, under the radar.

Pay attention.

I really don't know what to do anymore. -- Yes, you do know what to do.

You are doing too much "work" in this relationship already. He's doing what's easiest and best for him and will always to that.

Focus on you and what you need for a relationship. He isn't delivering this already. It should be easier than this at this point. If you were way down the road in a relationship with him and something like this was going on, sure, I'd put a little effort into it, but not now. Find someone who is fun to be with and clearly wants to be with you on all levels. In the time you've spent posting about this guy, you could have had a couple of other nice dates with more potential . . . Move on from this one. I'm telling you from a place of experience and age and education. I've seen it all and can spot em from a mile away.

July 30, 2015

And, when I say I can spot em a mile away even here, it's not because I know HIM. I only know what you've said about him and hear how it's affecting YOU. That is the key here . . . a woman who posts like you are about a guy she has really only known for less than 3 months (two month break and inconsistency in between), is being led down the garden path, not by him, but by herself.

July 30, 2015

Rose, jmo but I think your reading this thread and all the various spins on the situation is what is confusing you more.... and giving you doubts.

You are (were) happy, he's happy, expressed an interest in spending more quality time OUTSIDE the bedroom ....it's all good.

So pull back on all the sex, let HIM initiate, give him space to miss you ...maintain your independence ......and enjoy!

Let things unfold gradually and naturally ... NO pushing, sexually or otherwise.

Stop over-thinking everything!

Jus relax and enjoy.

Good luck hon, keep us posted.

Edited July 30, 2015 by katiegrl

July 30, 2015

And, when I say I can spot em a mile away even here, it's not because I know HIM. I only know what you've said about him and hear how it's affecting YOU. That is the key here . . . a woman who posts like you are about a guy she has really only known for less than 3 months (two month break and inconsistency in between), is being led down the garden path, not by him, but by herself.

RH, I think you are reading way too much into his behavior and assigning meaning to it that just isn't there....not from what I have seen anyway.

Relationships (in the early stages) are like a carefully choreographed dance, it is not uncommon for one or both to pull back, come forward, rinse, repeat...until things gel all the way.

All of my long term relationships were this way in the beginning, even my current!

Rose, jmo again but I think you should get off this thread, follow your boyfriend's lead for bit, stop over-thinking ....let things happen gradually and naturally, spend some time outside the bedroom (as he expressed a desire to do.....and frankly good for him for doing so!), and just relax and enjoy!

My two cents.

Edited July 30, 2015 by katiegrl

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